Chapter 20
Ashley’s heart raced as she swerved to the side of the road. The clouds of dust billowing around the car lights swirled like angry tornadoes in the rearview mirror.
It was nearing 4 a.m. Oregon time, and there was still no sign of the sun rising.
Ashley put the transmission into park and pulled on the brake.
She was struggling to breathe, and her hands felt wet and clammy on the steering wheel. Why was she trembling? She opened and closed her fists several times in an attempt to stop the shaking.
It didn't work.
Her chest felt tight, as though she were being squeezed by an invisible rubber band. She fumbled to unbuckle her seatbelt, hoping it would ease the tension. She felt dizzy, almost as though she were going to pass out.
What is happening to me?
Ashley raised her hand to her chest and could feel her heart pounding, sending thuds echoing through her. It was beating so hard she thought it might explode.
The necklace. It was constricting her. She clawed at the necklace, struggling to unclasp it. In a panic, she ripped it off, spilling hundreds of tiny pearls throughout the rental car. Aching chest, shortness of breath, and paralyzing fear. Was she having a heart attack?
She was only twenty-seven years old, but what else could it be?
She needed to call for help. Her phone was in her purse. Scrambling, she retrieved it and held it up before her eyes. No service. She let it fall from her shaking hands onto the passenger seat beside her.
There was no one nearby. The closest house could be miles away and it was unlikely any cars would pass her on this road at this time of night. Terror coursed through her veins.
This is it. I'm going to die. I’m going to die here, alone in this car.
“Breathe!” she said, willing her body to resist the growing darkness. “Just breathe.”
She gripped the steering wheel, leaned forward and closed her eyes, taking deep breaths in through her nose and slowly out through her mouth, sitting there for what seemed like an eternity.
It was almost incomprehensible to imagine that only a few hours ago she was sipping champagne, dressed in a unique, jaw-dropping designer gown with the man she had been in a relationship for five years with, at one of the most lavish events she had ever attended in New York—or anywhere else for that matter—and now here she was. On the road to nowhere.
Literally.
Please God, don’t let me die here. Not yet.
Praying was pretty ironic considering she didn’t believe there actually was a God who was capable of saving her, much less of listening to her desperate pleas for help.
She tried to focus on something, anything, to take away the realisation that these could be her final minutes on earth.
She sat unmoving in the rental car waiting for something to happen, to pass out, or for the aching pain in her chest to get worse.
But it didn't.
There was an immense feeling of terror, although she was well aware there was no immediate presence of danger. After an age, she felt her pulse begin to slow and the nausea lessened. She began to calm down a little. She took a few steadying breaths as it finally dawned on her that she was not in fact having a heart attack, but a panic attack. It must have been. She had suppressed all of her emotions over the past two weeks and her body had finally had enough.
As she looked down at the hundreds of tiny pearls scattered throughout the car she couldn’t help but feel as though they represented her life—broken and incomplete. Could she ever be whole again? Where would she start? How could she even begin to put the pieces back together?
Everything she had done, everything she had tried, had left her feeling empty and unfulfilled. Moving to the city, money, career, a fancy apartment and a boyfriend hadn't been able to fill that gaping hole in her soul like she had thought they would. Her chin quivered as the only solution became more and more apparent. She needed an anchor to hold her fragmented life together.
“God.” She almost laughed as she heard herself call out to Him. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what to do. I need you. Please help me. Forgive me.”
A single tear trickled down her cheek, the first in an unstoppable torrent. She sobbed. Ashley didn’t even try to fight the tears. They burnt her cheeks and dripped from her chin.
She had held it together for so long, through the myriad of emotions she had experienced over the last few weeks, but now her heart ached and she couldn’t stop crying. At least there was no one around to see her.
Gradually, but increasingly, she felt an unexplainable peace settle over her. The tears stopped flowing and she felt calm and steady, as though the burdens she had been carrying had been lifted from her shoulders. Ashley sniffed, checking her reflection in the mirror, and ran her fingers over her cheeks, wiping away the mascara that had left long black streaks down her face.
She turned the key and the engine ignited. She refastened her seatbelt, and gripped the steering wheel, determination compelling her on.
The sky was beginning to lighten by the time the log house came into view.
It was dark inside and Ashley fought the rising urge to turn the car around and leave, but she knew she had to do this.
As she stopped the car a tired-looking Benson poked his head out of his kennel. His eyes were squinting and his yawn revealed his canines. He wagged his tail and approached her.
She stepped out of the car and made her way towards the front door. Her breath was visible as the first light of dawn began to illuminate the sky. Dark silhouettes of trees bunched on the horizon.
She raised her hand to knock, steadying herself. She didn't know what was going to happen next. She knocked three times and waited.
Every second was agonising. Maybe he hadn’t heard. Maybe there was still time for her to turn and make a run for it, back to the car, back to safety.
She raised her hand, poised to knock again when she saw the glow of the interior light illuminate the hallway beyond the front door.
The door swung open and Jay stood there dressed in light gray track pants and a plain white tank top.
He froze, as though he had seen a ghost.
Ashley tried to smile but couldn't.
His eyes scanned her, up and down.
“You’re a little overdressed to be wandering about in the woods at this time of the morning, don’t you think?” Jay said.
She was still wearing the designer gown. The same gown she had worn to the ball less than twelve hours ago, the same gown she had worn as she rushed to the airport, flew across the country, and drove a hired rental car to Jay’s doorstep.
He raised one arm and leaned on the door frame, staring at her. He looked as though he wasn’t sure if he was dreaming or if she was really here.
“I have to tell you something,” she said, controlling the emotion in her voice.
“You know they’ve invented phones for that sort of thing.” His lip lifted at the corner. He was trying to lighten the mood as he always had, a characteristic she had always loved and admired. It was his way of acknowledging that he knew she was afraid and he was there to reassure her that it would all be all right.
It was then that she noticed the backpack on the floor behind him in the hallway.
“Are you going somewhere?” she asked.
“Yes, Manila. In the Philippines.”
“The typhoon?”
He nodded. “I fly out on Monday for two weeks,” he said. “I’m part of a team that’s helping to begin the rebuilding process over there.”
Of course he was. She should have known he would be one of the first people to volunteer for something like this.
“What are you doing here, Ash?”
“I need to say this, before I forget and it all comes out wrong.” She struggled for composure.
He placed his hands in his pockets and gazed at her, willing her to go on.
“I lied. When I said that kiss was a mistake. It wa
sn’t a mistake, but I didn’t want to admit the truth. I was too afraid to tell you I wanted you to kiss me, and that I want you, because that would mean allowing myself to be vulnerable and if I allowed myself to be vulnerable then I might get hurt. For so long I have been in control . . . I’ve done everything I could to be better, to do better.”
Jay frowned and folded his arms across his chest without uttering a single word.
Ashley raised her chin, determined to continue. “When my father died, I blamed God. All I could see was forgiveness on everyone’s faces and I thought what I had done—not being there to say goodbye to my father—was unforgivable. I couldn’t look at you without being reminded of my failures, and I hated myself for it. How could I stand to be near you when every time you touched me I felt unworthy—”
“What?” Jay straightened up and stepped towards her. “Ashley, I never meant to—”
She held up her hand to stop him. “I thought if I left, if I started a new life and earned lots and lots of money and had a good career and a good partner, if I was successful, that it would make me happy. I thought if I could make something of my life, I could make up for not being there for my dad. Like somehow he could be proud of me. I would be able to fill that hole that ached inside of me.” She pressed both hands to her chest and could see Jay’s jaw clenching, as though he wanted to say something, but she hadn't finished yet.
“I thought I’d be free if I left Sweet Home, but the truth is I had never felt so trapped in my life. I was wrong, so wrong. I have been a fool. I’m only beginning to scratch the surface of what that means—I’m ready to forgive myself and I’m ready to accept that God loves me, even though I didn't think I deserved His love.”
A tear fell from her eye and Jay reached out to wipe it away.
“I never meant to hurt you.” She closed her eyes as his thumb, so soft and warm, gently smoothed across her cheek. “I’m so sorry, Jay. I was searching for happiness and I didn't even recognize happiness when it was staring me in the face. This past week everything I thought I knew has been turned on its head. I feel like I’m home when I’m with you. I love the way you make me smile. You make me forget that the whole world is spinning around us. I love that when I look at you, you’re already staring right back at me. I love the way you protect me and care for me, the way you make me feel treasured. I love that in a crowded room full of faces, the only one I search for is yours.”
The sky had begun to turn a dusty purple and only a few stars remained in the sky.
“I know it sounds crazy, but all this time I thought God had deserted me, and now I know He was always there. It was me who left Him. He was just waiting for me to return to Him, and I have. And I’m returning to you, if you’ll have me. I don’t have anything to offer you except my heart.” Her voice broke and she bowed her head as she waited for his reaction.
She wouldn’t have blamed him if he slammed the door in her face.
“That’s all I ever wanted.” His voice was barely more than a whisper. “Your heart.” He reached out and raised her chin so he could meet her eyes. He was smiling and Ashley saw the hope in his eyes.
“Can you ever forgive me?” Her chin quivered.
“There is nothing to forgive, Ashley. I was just waiting for you to forgive yourself. I would have waited for you forever.”
She nodded, accepting the growing realisation that the unforgiveness she had endured so painfully for the last eight years had not come from others, but from herself.
“But I walked out on you. I left without any explanation.” She swallowed as she remembered the last time she had seen him all those years ago. The heartache she must have caused him. He was completely unaware that the next day he would receive a text message from her saying it was over and that she had moved to New York. It must have been horrible.
“I'm not going to lie, that hurt. More than you could ever imagine.” His jaw clenched. “I couldn’t understand how you could do that, how you could walk away that easily. But then I saw you in the city, and you were happy. That was the first time I had seen you smile in many, many months and I knew I would have to sacrifice my happiness in exchange for yours.”
Ashley took a sharp intake of breath and thought of his tattoo, ‘For those I love I will sacrifice.’ Jay had said he thought the tattoo was silly, that he never had to make any real sacrifices for anyone. He had sacrificed though; for Ashley’s happiness.
“You said you had loved me once. Do you think you could you find in in your heart to love me again?” She felt ashamed as she tried to look into his eyes.
He cupped her face in his hands. His voice was full of certainty. “I cannot promise you a life of fame or fortune. But if you’ll let me, I can promise that I will love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you, since we were kids. I loved you when you left the first time—and the second time. I loved you when I saw you sitting in the café in Brooklyn and I loved you every second of every day ever since. I loved you when I saw you standing in the bar two weeks ago and I will never stop loving you until the day I take my final breath. I love you with every fibre of my being. I love you, Ashley Harper. I. Love. You.”
His eyes searched hers.
Then she said the words she had been longing to say for far too long. “I love you, too.”
He pulled her close and kissed her tenderly. She felt all of the tension and fear drain out of her body and love took its place.
Never in all her life had she felt this kind of love, this kind of forgiveness. With all her flaws and all her mistakes, he chose to see her beauty. Not the external beauty, but the beauty that comes from within the heart. She forgot all about how tired she was or how she was ever going to explain this to her family—or Dianne. She would get to be a part of her nieces and nephews lives, and she would be able to spend time with her mother and Martin. It was an exciting thought. Maybe Bryan might be willing to employ her at the cafe—considering she had demonstrated such capability the last time she had worked there. It wasn’t her dream job, but it was a job, and it would suffice.
She felt as though her knees might give way at any moment but she knew that wrapped in Jay's strong, supporting arms she had nothing to fear. He would catch her if she fell.
She felt his lips form a smile and she pulled away to see him grinning from ear to ear.
“What?” she asked, perplexed.
“Do you still think I’m crazy?” He cocked one eyebrow, smirking.
She frowned, not understanding what he was referring to.
“You said I was delusional to expect the perfect woman to end up on my door, yet here you are.” He looked smug and content, and she couldn’t help but smile.
“I’m far from perfect.”
“Maybe. But you’re perfect for me.”
God did indeed work in mysterious ways.
“But what do we do now?” Ashley asked. “You’re leaving in two days.”
Jay gave a small laugh. “Only for two weeks. We've waited almost eight years to be together, I'm sure we can wait another few weeks. Unless . . .” He smiled and shook his head, dismissing the thought.
“What?” Ashley asked, intrigued.
“It's nothing. I just had a thought. Maybe you could come to Manila with me. If you wanted to.”
Ashley had never considered that option. It would mean stepping outside of her comfort zone. “I don’t have any skills,” Ashley said. “But I do have a passport.”
“Pastor Barry is putting a team together to go over and distribute food and clean water as well as clothing and blankets. If you’re interested, we could talk to him about it.”
She swallowed and nodded. “Yeah, I think I’d like that.”
“You don't have to decide right now. Come inside and we can talk about it later—after you’ve had some rest.”
He smiled and she knew everything was going to be all right. She was exhausted—physically, mentally and emotionally. She hadn’t slept in almost twenty-four hours.
“Welcome home.”
He held out his hand and she placed her hand in his as he held open the door, inviting her inside to rest for a while.
Before she entered, she looked towards the horizon. Dawn approached, the first rays of light spilling over into the valley, illuminating everything and expelling the darkness that had lingered for much too long. She smiled as she felt that same sensation. The unconditional love and light shining through Jay, breathing life into parts of her heart that she thought had died. There would be adventures and countless obstacles ahead, but she wouldn’t face them alone any more. She was overwhelmed by Jay’s forgiveness and willingness to accept her, regardless of her past.
Giving her a second chance at life—at love.
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