Chapter Eight
Walking along in the graveyard Gabriel was about to reach the top of a small hill. Below the hill was where his wife was buried. Each time he walked over the crest of the hill he was hit with a array of emotions. This time was no different, but the walk back was always the hardest. Leaving the grave reopened the void that was permanently ripped through his soul.
Walking away meant he would still walk the earth without her and that would mean alone. Though she did not haunt Gabriel in the realm of physics she still haunted him in memory. Like the old men in Marlov's talking about the good days, Gabriel still lived in the past. If Apollyon took him back and let Gabriel live in the memory of her sin, he would no matter how painful it might be.
He made it to the top of the hill and her grave was now in site. There in front of her grave was a man kneeling. From the distance Gabriel could not see who it was, but the mans image blocking his view of her gravestone sent chills down Gabriel's spine. Who could it be Gabriel repeatedly asked himself as he inched closer.
Now just feet from the man a uneasy feeling came over Gabriel. The man had a black wife beater and dark skin. Tattoo’s line the mans arms and in his hands was 12 roses. Blood covered his arms as the man was still knelt down weeping and unaware of Gabriel's presence. It was now clear to Gabriel who it was, Antonio. Gabriel walked the row of graves directly in front of his wives and where Antonio was.
Gabriel stood directly behind the man as his blood boiled making his hands tremble. The man who now defiled the image of his wife was knelt down before him. Gabriel had never felt such disgust and rage. Right in front of his wives grave he could end mankind's misery and struggle along with his. Looking down at his feet was a grave with a metal vase and wilted flowers.
Quietly Gabriel picked up the heavy vase and lifted it with one hand above his head. There Gabriel paused for a moment while looking at the back of Antonio's head. His mind played the image of the metal vase crashing into his skull. Antonio's blood draining into the earth above her grave. Gabriel was now blind with rage.
“KILL HIM!” Cain shouted from somewhere in the graveyard behind Gabriel. “DO IT!” Cain shouted again. “LET HIM FEEL THE SUFFERING HE DEALT ON YOU AND YOU WILL BE FREE!” Cain shouted again aging on the rage in Gabriel's vein's. Gabriel turned around and threw the vase. It was enough motion to signal the unsuspecting Antonio to Gabriel's presence.
Gabriel now was looking into the eye's of Antonio. Both of their eye's were bloodshot and filled with suffering. “KILL, KILL, KILL!” Cain shouted. Gabriel reached his hand out for Antonio's shoulder. “NOOO!”Cain shouted just as Gabriel touched Antonio. Gabriel was jolted with electric rage and everything went dark for a moment.
Gabriel came to and was sitting on a playground of children. The kids ran around him were all playing and having fun. Most of the children were a bloody mess but the blood was no longer affecting Gabriel like it had before. In the corner of the playground was a little Hispanic kid playing by himself in the sand. A group of kids ran up to him and kicked sand at him laughing. “Hey Antonio you can take the mask off Halloween is over!” A girl mocked at him.
Antonio was covering up to prevent sand from getting in his eye's. “Leave me alone!” Antonio pleaded in broken English. “Shut up stupid spic.” One of the boys said kicking more sand in his face. Then a little girl ran into view and stood in front of Antonio. “HEY, leave him alone or I will go get Mrs. Mathews!” The little girl said. She was the only child on the playground not covered in the blood of their ancestors sins.
Gabriel now knew who the little girl standing up for Antonio was. It was his wife Christy as a little girl. Gabriel never knew her as a kid but she had lots of picture, some of which Gabriel was still holding onto. She stood there standing up for Antonio like a super hero for bullied kids. It was a rare site, just a child and standing up for the victimized.
It would have been much safer to just look away or join in with the mob. Just a little girl and she knew what was right and was standing up for it. Years down the road she would be able to lay her head down and feel proud of what she had done. While the bullies would face a lifetime of bitterness or regret.
Unknowingly she was halting permanent damage to a foreign youth struggling to blend in, in a strange country where only the strong survive. This single moment could have given birth to Cain's rage in the young boy. Instead it was the start of hope and love. The kids ran off laughing and Christy turned around to help Antonio up. Gabriel could see in the split second that their eye's met that their lives would be intertwined.
“Are you okay?” Christy asked. “Ye..Yes I’m okay, thank you.” Antonio said. “My name is Christy, whats you name?” she said. “I am Antonio.” Once again everything went black as electricity jolted through Gabriel. Now he was sitting in a dark and crowed gymnasium. Slow 90's music filled the gymnasium as kids fumbled around trying to dance.
On the bench next to Gabriel was a Hispanic teenager in a rented suit. Next to him were other kids that would be the backup plan if your date ditched you. Antonio's eye's were impatiently fixated on Christy dancing with some other boy. He looked drunk on lust and the site of her with another kid was stinging the mind of a outcast teen.
Gabriel could tell that he wanted to go over to her but was to afraid. The last song stopped and the lights came on blinding Gabriel and the gymnasium of teens. “Well guys that's the end of prom. I hope everyone enjoyed themselves tonight and please get home safely!” A voice said over the speakers. The kids lined up to head out the door.
Antonio stayed seating and nothing broke his gaze on Christy as she got in line to leave. Next to her was the kid she was dancing with. The kid was making Christy laugh as they walked out. “You are a fool, go after her!” Gabriel said looking at Antonio. It was ironic that those words busted from his lips but Gabriel could still see the look in Antonio's eye's were the same as from the playground.
Once everyone left the gym Antonio got up and walked out. Gabriel followed behind him watching as Antonio's demeanor was that of a teen who watched the love of his life walk away. He was defeated by himself and let his nerves and fear determine the outcome of his youth. As they walked out the doors of the school Antonio's hand clinched into a fist and smashed into the door.
Gabriel burst into laughter as Antonio shook his now bleeding hand and walked to his car. “Man what a pathetic and wasted youth!” Gabriel said. Truth was Gabriel's was not much different from Antonio's no matter how much he tried to deny it. He too was a outcast and let all the girls he was infatuated with slip away because of fear.
At least Antonio had the fact that he was trying to make it in a foreign land. Gabriel was the definition of a teenage loser. His family never had the money for new clothes so Gabriel had just a few shirts and pants. Most of them had holes, one pair of jeans left his entire knee exposed. To avoid everyone seeing that he only had a few shirts he would wear the same sweater everyday.
It could be freezing or 100 degree's and Gabriel would be wearing that sweater. School was dreadful because it meant he could not wear his dirty old baseball cap and his nerdy bowl hair cut would be exposed. Gabriel could only be described as the nerdy kid wearing the same sweater and looked like a member of the beetles 50 years after they were cool. The average school day was spent trembling in fear in the back of the classroom while trying to appear cool and look like a bad boy.
But Gabriel thought he was a rebel living on the outside of the fashion and social trends. His youth was spent in ignorance of what he really was. He walked around like he was better than everyone else with a chip on his shoulder. It was just a defense mechanism protecting him from the horrible truth. It would have been a much easier childhood if he just accepted the fact that he came from a poor family and was no better than anyone else.
Gabriel was picked on just like Antonio. But instead of just accepting it for what it was, Gabriel would fight back. Giving in to the menace of a few kid's and fighting fire with fire.
Gabriel could not count how many fights he had been in as a kid but he still had the scars to prove it. Rather than being a victim and accepting the fact that he was a outcast he fought it and felt that doing so made him a badass and a tough guy. Really it made him a bigger coward and just as bad as the kids picking on him.
Antonio's punching of the door was nothing in comparison to Gabriel's many suicide attempts and thoughts as a kid. So him laughing at Antonio was still him in defense mode, him and Antonio had everything in common but Gabriel was not allowing himself to accept it. If the tables were turned and they were looking at Gabriel's youth then he would be embarrassed at the emotional kid that he was. But since they were not in his past he was unknowingly making himself feel superior to Antonio. He felt as though he was still competing for Christy but the competition was over and no one wins when a loved one die's.
Antonio was now in his car, it was a 2 door Honda that had seen better days. Only one rim remained and the tires and car were in rough shape. Gabriel got in the passenger side, once sitting down a new feeling of disgust came over him. The smell in the car was bad and that of a foreigner. Really it wasn't that bad but Gabriel's nonacceptance of Antonio made it all the worse.
The two drove through the town of Axal for awhile as Antonio would flop from one emotion to the next. One moment he was mad, the next sad. Then they pulled into a shabby old motel that no longer exists in the town. It was very odd to Gabriel seeing the old motel again, since they tore it down years ago. It had only one floor and you parked your car right in front of the motel room you were staying in.
Next to them was a hot rod, Gabriel assumed it was some fortunate sons. Dad most likely worked his ass off for it and now his son was using it as his prom night chariot leading to some lucky girls deflowering. The lights were still on in the room and some shadows would dart by the window every so often. They sat in the car for a few moments then they got out.
Gabriel stood and watched as Antonio paced around back and fourth. Every so often he would go up to the door and get ready to knock, then his hand would drop and he would go back to pacing around outside. “Just knock already!” Gabriel shouted. He was becoming just as impatient, he knew who hot rod was with.
Christy had to be in there but Gabriel was not as worried as Antonio. Christy told Gabriel that she was a virgin and lost her virginity the first time her and Gabriel made love. But a part of Gabriel was uneasy since everything he thought he knew was falling apart around him. He was still in denial of everything though and did not know what to believe.
Finally Gabriel heard the timid and insecure knock he was waiting for. They could hear some laughter and then the door cracked open. “Hey what are you doing here?” The kid said. “Hi sorry to bother you but is Christy in there?” Antonio asked. “Dude, get lost.” The kid said and shut the door. Antonio's shoulders sunk to the ground.
They could hear talking inside and a voice that sounded like Christy but neither Gabriel or Antonio could make any of it out. Antonio started to walk back to his car and then stopped and turned around. He went back to the door and knocked again. “Oh this should be good” Gabriel said. The door cracked open again. “I said get lost!” The kid said. “Christy are you in there, its me Antonio.” He shouted into the room trying to look over the other kid's shoulder. Then the door slammed shut again but with more force.
Antonio turned and walked away again. Just before he made it to the car the door to the motel came open. “Antonio what are you doing here?” Christy said. She was in a silver dress that flowed down to her feet, lined with glitter. She had on a large amount of poorly placed makeup. Unlike her as a child now she had some blood on her hands that made her look like a deranged prom night killer.
Gabriel did not know what sin she had done to have blood on her hands and still in denial he did not care. Gabriel perked up when he saw her and moved towards her. Antonio was doing the same exact thing. “I am sorry Christy, I didn't mean to ruin your night but I had to tell you something.” Antonio said as he choked up and paused. “Well what is it?” Christy said with a frustrated look. “I...I love you Christy, I always have.” Antonio said again choking up. “This...This is really bad timing to tell me this Antonio.” Christy said.
“I know I am sorry, I just could not go another night without telling you. I will go, I just thought you should know.” Antonio said. His eye's were starting to fill with tears again as he turned away and went towards his car again. Christy let out a long drawn out sigh of frustration. “Wait let me get my stuff and we can go talk.” Christy said. “Oo okay” Antonio said with a cracking voice.
He got back in the car with a less defeated look on his face. Gabriel was shaking his head but happy to see she was getting away from hot rod. Gabriel could hear some arguing going on in the room and went over to hear what was going on. “Really come on, I got this room and everything, you can't leave!” The kid said. “I am so sorry I had fun tonight but my friend needs me right now.” Christy said. “Fine then just get out of here. I should have known better taking a prude bitch to prom!” The kid said with a angry look on his face.
Christy ran out of the room and to Antonio's car. She quickly pulled open the door. “Let's get out of here!” Christy said with relief. Then just as she shut the door Gabriel felt the jolt and darkness. Now Gabriel was sitting at the hangout spot where he almost killed himself on a few occasion's. It was also where he saw Ashley get raped by those two punks.
Now in front of him was Antonio and Christy sitting on a blanket on the hood of Antonio's car. It was no longer prom night because they were in their normal clothes again. They were holding hand's and looking up at the star's. “Do you remember the first time we met?” Antonio said looking at Christy. “No, not really, we were so young.” Christy said still looking up at the star's.
“Well Jack, Brain, and Jenna had been picking on me, and you ran over and stopped them.” Antonio said. “Really....Hmmm maybe I do remember.” She said shrugging. “I knew then that I loved you, and just wanted to be around you. I was always so scared to tell you how I felt but none of it mattered as long as I was a part of your life.” Antonio said.
“Awww thanks I love you too!” Christy said and leaned over and gave him a kiss. It lead to a teenage make out fest. Gabriel was frustrated at what he was seeing but after all this was her past. He did not know her then and was 4 years older than her. They had yet to fall in love but he never knew about Antonio. He could not understand why she never mentioned him. What if the whole time she still loved Antonio and did not tell Gabriel because she loved him too.
They finally stopped making out and Christy pulled away from Antonio. “Hey you want to try something?” Christy asked with blood running from her lips. “Uhmm yeah sure what is it?” Antonio said. “Okay just go with it alright?” Christy said. Antonio just nodded as they started making out again. Christy started do undo Antonio's pants and then he pulled her hands away. “Wait, I want it to be perfect...For you!” Antonio said.
“This is perfect!” Christy said as they locked back together. “What the fuck really?” Gabriel said as he walked away down suicide trail. He stopped and looked back and could so the two wrapped in a blanket having sex on the hood of Antonio's car. Gabriel felt betrayed again but was trying to deny what he was seeing. He felt so hurt by the fact that she had deceived him and everything he thought he knew.
But it wasn't really Antonio's fault, he did as almost any man would do. But then it was in such a harmless and respectful manner. But what about once him and Christy were married. He had to have known she was taken and he still slept with her. It was all hurting so much more, had it been a one time fling of her cheating then it would not hurt so bad. But Christy and Antonio were in love and she played the both of them.
Gabriel collapsed down next to a tree and covered his eye's with his hands. Then he looked up at the star's. “WHY!” He shouted into the sky. Why do I have to love her so much that it hurts. Not only did I lose her but now
I have to lose her all over again. Gabriel saw lightning flash from the sky and then the jolting darkness.
He was now standing in front of a still kneeling Antonio in the graveyard. Behind Antonio and Christy grave was Cain brimming with rage. “Oh just do it already.....Once you start I will help you kill him!” Cain shouted. Gabriel and Antonio were now locking tear filled eye's. Antonio knew who Gabriel was though he never formally met him.
“Are you just going to let him hurt and humiliate you like that?!” Cain said. Antonio could not hear Cain though and could only hear and see Gabriel. “I am so sorry for your loss, she was a very special person.” Antonio said struggling not to break down in tears. Gabriel was choking up and struggling to find words or actions to respond. “Well here we are, two men madly in love with the same dead woman.” Gabriel said. As the words left Gabriel's lips Antonio's head dropped to the ground and he started to weep. “I am so sorry!” Antonio said. “He is not sorry, he ravished your wife and betrayed you and GOD!” Cain shouted.
Gabriel paused for a few moments once again trying to decide what to do. “I......Forgive you, you cannot help the fact that you loved her. Just like I can't. But would it okay if I have a few moment's alone with her?” Gabriel said. A weighted of grief was lifted from both of their shoulders. Gabriel knew he was in no state of mind to be around Antonio and had to get out of his presence/ Antonio wept for a moment and then looked up at Gabriel. “Yes I will go.” Antonio said as he place the flowers next to her gravestone. Antonio looked back at Gabriel “Thank you!” Antonio said with tears running down his face.
Gabriel nodded his head at Antonio as Antonio got up and walked away. Gabriel looked back to insure that he was gone and then sat down next to her grave. Cain was still standing behind it. “You are a coward of a man!” Cain said. “Heh, not killing a man makes me a coward. Your rage might flow in my veins but I decide what to do with it.” Gabriel said.
“It's a waist of blood, you just let that man defile your heart and then let him go” Cain said. “You know what your problem is Cain? You see only one side of everything. Sure you worked hard in your life and it still was not good enough. But your brother worked just as hard and because god accepted him over you that gave you no reason to kill him. You only saw your pain and not that of your brothers. Antonio is just like me and just because he hurt me does not mean he does not hurt too. I learned a valuable lesson, I almost let you win Cain. But me, and everyone hurts the same, my pain is no worse than his. Killing him will not end my pain. All these years you have been cursed to this world, has your pain ended yet?” Gabriel said.
“You only fought back your true feeling's from coming through this one time. Now you think you have the answers to the thousands of years that I have walked this retched place. I will be waiting and one day you will succumb to my rage. When you do I will be there!” Cain said.
“Well as long as I don't your curse will prevail. So go back to being a vagabond of earth!” Gabriel said with a smile. Cain glared at Gabriel and then turned away and disappeared back into his curse. Gabriel finally was alone in the graveyard. He looked at his wife's grave and engraved at the bottom was the saying “God Alone Understands”
It was the uneasy answer to the last two years of Gabriel's life. It gave no real assurance or ease in grief. It only left Gabriel religiously confused. “I wish you were here, I don't understand why you could not tell me about Antonio. The only thing I can think of is you loved us both to much. I know there was not a vile bone in your body. You were so loving and kind, I want you to know I forgive you Christy.” Gabriel said.
Tears ran down his face, this time not tears of rage but that of unconditional love. “I might not be back here for awhile. I have this journey of madness and.....Enlightening. I guess its the journey we all take really, life without those we love. If you happen to be in heaven, let god know that I could use a little more help down here. I am afraid this is all too much for one broken man to take.” Gabriel said.
“I want you to know I love you, and I always will. I hope you and your child are free from all his hatred and pain.” Gabriel said. He bent down and kissed her gravestone. As he did the flowers Antonio had left fell over. Gabriel almost got up and walked away but instead he picked them back up. Placing the flowers right in front of the stone insuring that they would not fall over again, and then he walked away.