‘O dear, how quite extraordinary, you are aren’t you, absolutely naked.’
‘Hey don’t go away for Christ’s sake.’
Schultz, still with the tips of his middle index fingers pressed into the hole of the broken pipe. The ends of his fingers burning. Time to hold the good hand I’ve got left over my eyes in grief. O god. And O Rabbi. After the calmest most peaceful brief half hour period of my life I now face the most awful crisis situation in Christendom. And only one thing I can do. Is to wait till the avalanche of water cascades down the staircases and someone else who doesn’t run away, has the sense to go see where it’s coming from. And christ if someone soon doesn’t come quick this whole fucking castle is going to be washed right off this cliff side.
And now meanwhile maybe
I should just
Get in a canoe
And have fun
Going down the rapids
15
Schultz stopped in his wet tracks by a man in a grey overall arriving with a pack of tools to cap the bathroom hot spout. And Schultz assisted by maids and footmen moved to another bedroom. Where louder winds were howling at the castle windows as he bathed in a perfume scented bath. Laid out on his bed, a dinner jacket, silk shirt, evening slippers and a note.
Mr Sunningdale hopes Mr Schultz following his impromptu shower may find these suitable to make use of or come as you are, or indeed as Lord Nectarine describes your being recently rigged in ladies’ Islamic dress.
Schultz at a tall mirror on a staircase landing, making an examination of the almost perfect dinner jacket fit. Embroidered in gold on each foot, an earl’s coronet. Holy jeez. A wonderful feeling to feel like an aristocrat. Everybody beneath you. The only effort you ever have to make is to make people think you ain’t putting on airs. While you have airs flying all over the place. Primitive as it is, I could fall in love with this life. A few crossbows at the various slits, and voom, voom, arrows sent right up my wife’s lawyers’ asses. My only problem being how do I find my way to the armoury.
The leather heels of Schultz’s evening slippers a shade too large, clacking across the front great hall. Where a footman directs him along a flagstone corridor and down stone stairs into a large low ceilinged room. Suits of armour, arrows, bows, spears and swords around the circular walls. Lord Nectarine pensively standing centre of the gleamingly polished black and white tiled floor.
‘Hey your Lordship I’m not going to offer you ten quid for your thoughts again, but you do look like you’re having a fucking deep unfathomable cogitation.’
‘Ah. I was in fact reliving an embarrassing moment of cricket. When once at bat I had tripped backwards and got a wicket up the arse. But do Schultz have a freshly poured glass of champagne. You know, despite your fucking up the plumbing and throwing the entire castle household into a panic, Binky is quite touched that you should have come.’
‘Shit I’m here because I’m escaping. Hey there could be guys’ eyes inside these suits of armour staring out of the slits. The fucking things are surrounding us. This whole place. Every turn I get lost. The stone stairs, the turrets, five foot thick walls. It’s medieval.’
‘In fact a great deal of this castle is pre Christian Schultz.’
‘I don’t want to bring up the wet subject of plumbing but what did they do years ago to wash their faces before they ever got the fucking pipes through this place.’
‘Water men Schultz. Prior to dawn these especially strong men carried water on their backs up through the castle filling the cisterns.’ ‘You mean you could flush toilets. Perfect for your wife’s boyfriend’s invention.’
‘As a matter of fact in those days Schultz they had no need for my wife’s boyfriend’s bloody invention. They instead used those little parapets which are built out from the wall and one placed a rear end upon such breezy hole. And while one’s arse was being chilled the results such as one might have wanted rid of, simply plummeted down the side of the ramparts sixteen hundred feet into the ravine.’
‘Hey jeez from down in the valley you could look up at a whole lot of asses. Imagine jeez a castle outbreak of diarrhoea.’
‘Of course for you Schultz who are so frequently staring upwards with binoculars that is another viewpoint entirely. And no doubt as a spectator you’d be suitably attired in your heavy duty oilskins. But indeed I do believe that to this day even the most undomesticated animals give that area below a very wide berth. Where it just borders the waters of the loch. In which lurks a monster far bigger than the one supposedly seen in Loch Ness.’
‘Hey boy you know life then was simple. When you think of it nothing is more complicated these days than trying to take a decent crap.’
‘Ah Schultz you have for the first time in knowing you said something which at long last impresses me.’
‘Jesus. You guys. Hey what do I have to do. I put the two of you on the big time show biz map. I’m the natural born aristocrat for Christ’s sake. You guys are artificial aristocrats, just descended from previous aristocrats one of whom maybe way way back fought and conquered and was a natural like myself. Yet everything good and beautiful happens to you guys while everything bad and gruesome happens to me. Hey where are you going your Lordship.’
‘I’m going for a piss Schultz. And may even have a crap. But indeed shall be back shortly to listen to more of your delightful shit.’
‘Hey don’t leave me alone here, this place is spooky.’
His Lordship exiting under a banner draped doorway as Binky in his kilt pauses on the last step into this ancient room of swords, arrows, crossbows, and cannon.
‘Ah but in spite of that you do look so nice this evening Schultz.’ ‘O hey hi Binky. His Lordship and I were just talking. Yeah. Just maybe the jacket’s an eighth of an inch too short in the sleeves.’
‘And my, you do I believe smell of a perfume of a favourite rose I recall from childhood. Sorry your hot bath rather ended up as a very hot shower.’
‘Holy shit Binky, the fucking faucet came off in my hand. I swear.’ ‘Think nothing of it Schultz. Nothing whatever. Indeed when don’t we find you in some little mishap or other. Of course the eiderdown was in fact something by the personal hand of Marie Antoinette and her seamstresses. Believe they rather spent some time sewing and embroidering it together. But I dare say a good damn soaking may do it a jolly lot of good.’
‘Holy fuck I ruined it did I.’
‘Ah yes Schultz I’m sure you did in addition to fucking up our plumbing and flooding two baths and bedrooms. Ah but let us pass over these trifling little domestic inconsequentials. And we mustn’t dwell on anything which might trouble the digestion as we are having what hopes to be some tasty venison this evening. And Schultz I do hope that in spite of the sadder aspects of your visit, you are having what one would like to describe as a childishly uncomplicated good time in Scotland.’
‘Jesus Binky this visit is affecting my whole life.’
‘And dear me Schultz that is as it should be. And the public are I see, rather getting what one might describe as awfully good coverage of your activities these days. And that wife of yours. She is isn’t she quite physically splendid. And her courage. To dive, what is it, one hundred and fifty feet down into the grey waters of the Thames. I understand further and better particulars of intimacies are soon to be revealed featured on the inside page of one of our popular Sunday newspapers.’
‘Like hell they are. They’re hearing from my lawyers.’
‘But it does make one feel one would rather like to chat a bit with your wife Schultz one day. And aren’t you Schultz in this room a little reminded of your own battles fought, victories won.’
‘Yeah a suit of armour is exactly what I need. And although already this evening has started out on the wrong fucking foot at least on both feet I now got coronets. But jesus Binky the way you played that organ in the chapel.’
‘Ah Schultz you do occasionally exhibit sensibilities which pleasantly surprise me.’
‘Hey what do you mean I praised your playing the time when you played at his Lordship’s castle.’
‘Ah Schultz. Yes. But I do think Lord Nectarine’s stops, especially the diapason bass and vox celeste needed attention.’
‘Hey what about a piano. We could give you singing lessons and put you performing Sundays at the theatre. Send you on tour too. With your looks, and a band backing you, shit I would have an international pop star.’
‘Ah dear me Schultz, and hope your testicles are dry and still healing nicely, and you have no idea how apt your suggestion is. This evening at least, you do make it sound as if hope will spring eternal for me. And indeed I have more than half a mind to encourage you to make me such an offer. In your immortal words we could go, voom, voom, voom. But you know all these show biz deals we go through are just like two chaps standing in the desert trying to sell each other sand. Then finally when the deal is done, you walk away from each other, and already the elusive grains are falling away between your fingers. But then of course there are these rare deals that do make profit. And Schultz you will be intrigued to hear that my little share of Kiss It Don’t Hold It It’s Too Hot is on the market. Yes Schultz don’t turn red white and blue and keel over. You’ve heard correctly. Ah here just in time is my noble friend Lord Nectarine. Do I hear a bid. Did you hear that Lord Nectarine. My share of our perky little show is on the market. Now gentlemen. Surely something.’
‘Hey what is this Binky.’
‘It is Schultz precisely what you hear. My share of the show is for sale.’
‘You sound as if you fucking well mean it. There must be something fishy somewhere. There must be.’
‘Ah, a suspicious old meanie you remain, don’t you Schultz. But a price. Do I hear a bid. Lord Nectarine, what about you then. Surely you’re in the market if Schultz here remains suspicious and disbelieving.’
‘Wait a minute Binky, you bet I remain suspiciously disbelieving but Sigmund Franz Schultz is very much in the market.’
‘Well what do I hear you say.’
‘You say, Binky. Give me numerals.’
‘Well then let us start at two hundred thousand perhaps.’
‘Jesus christ. Wait a second. Till I get my composure here. Jesus you really mean this Binky.’
‘Of course I do you old silly. Have a spot more champagne in your glass.’
‘Come on. What are you nuts. Two hundred thousand. After you already take Gayboy in two or was it three deals. You got your piece of the action for practically nothing.’
‘That’s simply not the point Schultz. I think the issue is that we are treating here of an equity of some considerable value. Come come. Don’t let this crucial opportunity go by. Dear chaps my offer goes public in the morning. And my lawyers already have instructions to follow up an interested party located down Cheapside in the city of London. But of course out of regard for my long and trusted business relationship with you two gentlemen, I do give you first opportunity to snap up this tasty little financial morsel. Lord Nectarine surely you’re ready to pick up a tiny something cheap.’
‘Well Binky I could say one hundred and sixty five thousand.’ ‘Hold it, hold it you fucking guys. You’re fucking well going to put my balls suddenly in a vice the pair of you, in an auction. This is a scheming plot. I should have known. This whole funeral could have been a put up job. Hey your Lordship, are you in on this fucking plot.’ ‘I beg your pardon Schultz I do believe I’m being slandered. I am not in the habit of conspiring. But I must confess, business apart, I sometimes do wonder following such an unthinkingly callous remark, that if you are possessed of even a vestige of the milk of human kindness, one feels sure that it would be found either sour or skimmed or curdled.’
‘Hey what am I listening to. This is ridiculous. I simply want to know if I’m being set up. And conned.’
‘Schultz. While you are hysterically worrying that you are being bamboozled, hoodwinked, swindled and diddled, I’m selling. Are you buying. Or not.’
‘I’m buying for Christ’s sake. Holy shit I was just five seconds ago for the first time in weeks getting calm and contented again in my life. What do you want.’
‘Two hundred thousand.’
‘Fucking no. It’s robbery. Or else. It’s worse. That I’m going to wake up tomorrow and find out that the theatre has burned down and the cast got killed last night.’
‘Very well then, Basil it’s one sixty five to Lord Nectarine.’
‘OK, OK Binky you bastard one seventy.’
‘Lord Nectarine. It’s with you now.’
‘One eighty.’
‘And with you now Schultz.’
‘Holy shit, you fucking guys are doing it.’
‘I take it Schultz, Lord Nectarine has it at one eighty. One eighty now on my left. One eighty for the second time, it’s one eighty.’
‘No fuck you. It’s one ninety.’
‘Lord Nectarine. It’s against you now at one ninety.’
‘Two hundred.’
‘Two hundred I have now from his Royal Grace, Schultz. Do I hear two ten.’
‘You dirty god damn fuckers. Jesus. Two hundred and ten.’
‘No foul language, please gentlemen. It’s against you your Royal Grace.’
‘Two twenty five.’
‘Ah we’re going to shake off the timid I see. Against you Schultz. At two twenty five. Against you now. Courage.’
‘O my god. I feel sick.’
‘Ah my good chaps. Sip your champagne Schultz.’
‘OK. Jesus I’m sweating for Christ’s sake. Wow with you two you got to be ready at three seconds notice then you got to act in one second.’
‘Precisely. Plus in the price included to you Schultz will be all that you’ve accumulated in telephone and other miscellaneous items, charges and bills, of say a round ten thousand. And then do I hear anymore.’
‘You fucking blackmailer you hear two fucking fifty that’s what you hear.’
‘Ah Schultz. We adore and love you, Lord Nectarine and I. Ever ready to trust, ever ready to give your fellow man the benefit of the doubt. Your Royal Grace. Do we hear from you. Or are we all done. At two fifty. At two fifty now. It’s against you Lord Nectarine. Surely we’re not finished at this reasonable price. Going now. At two fifty. At two fifty. Done at two fifty. Congratulations. A nice little bargain you’ve got Schultz. And ah, just as business matters have been nicely resolved, I do believe I hear the dainty sound of ladies’ feet above approaching along the upstairs halls. And ah, how nice, his Royal Grace has rushed away to conduct them down to us. Good god Schultz. Whatever is the matter. I hope our little deal in which you will so wisely profit in due course, and the certified cheque which shall be required by the close of business on Friday to conclude it, hasn’t upset you.’
‘Don’t worry you’ll get your fucking cheque.’
‘Dear me Schultz you’ve turned a pale shade of green.’
‘I’m beginning to feel sick, where’s the fucking nearest toilet.’
‘Well if you are about to require a suitable receptacle, be it a bidet, trough, cuspidor, urn, sink or piss bowl, please do go through that door, and down that hall, remembering on the way to switch on the lights. Then turn to your left down the first stairs and through the door at the bottom, then across the passage, up three steps, turn left and then right and left again and there, in front of you will be two doors. Take the one to the extreme right and positively avoid the other as it exits out to the valley below, and you might wake up an impresario in heaven where departed starlets fluttering their wings gently fan your procreative appendages. However if you do take the correct door you will find substantial mauve marble sanitary fittings.’
‘O my god. I’m going to get fucking lost now or killed. And hey, this isn’t another trick like when a skeleton dropped down on top of me out of the ceiling when I went to take a piss at his Lordship’s castle.’
‘You silly old paranoid Schultz, of course not. Ah but before you dep
art my dear Schultz, you must not forget a principle to be utterly observed in life. Always prevent and avoid if you can permanent damage to the self in the seemingly down times, so that should the seemingly up times ever return, you remain full and able bodied and minded enough to enjoy them.’
‘Yeah, you bet. But right now at this fucking moment I don’t know if I’m up or down. But I do know if I don’t go shit I may have to puke.’ An ashen faced Schultz finding his way back to the dining room just in time for the savoury after the soup. Three elderly maiden aunts of Binky’s at table. And sitting directly across from Schultz, the candle light agleam on her black wavy hair, the devastating apparition with three ropes of pearls at her pale long neck. Jesus, Rabbi why does beauty have to hit me so hard. Why can’t I get excited over some homely girl who’ll love honour and obey. Plus maybe be just a gorgeous fuck once in a while. Because Sigmund the race looks awful these days and we got to breed to be more handsome. Boy I’ll buy that Rabbi.
And within the great castle upon that high mountain top, a gale moaned and whined around the windows and blew puffs of smoke back down the chimneys. A subdued Schultz spilling the salt and the devastating apparition requiring him to toss a pinch over each shoulder. Following dinner, the ladies withdrawing, and Binky suddenly retiring to bed. The ladies smoking cigars under the candle flames of the Meissen candelabrum. Schultz putting his vowels and feet forward to the devastating apparition, commenting on her black evening wear and pearls and receiving only silent smiles in return. As the ladies finally took their leave Schultz with his Lordship proceeding for a restorative coffee and brandy in a circular turret room. Their voices echoing in the tall ceilinged chamber with its walls adorned with stags’ heads.
‘Jesus your Lordship, what do you have to do to make women take notice of you. I mean what a devastating apparition she is, plus her name is my favourite of all girls’ names, Catherine.’
‘Schultz I have already attempted to suggest to you to steer clear of the course of action you seem intent upon pursuing.’