‘Fuck I’m pursuing nothing. Why don’t anyone say what’s wrong making friends with a knockout gorgeous beauty.’
‘Schultz as beautiful women seem to be chased by every ugly man and plain women seem to chase good looking men, why not try one of the maiden aunts one of whom quite distinctly seems looking for a gallop.’
‘Thanks a bunch but no thanks. OK let’s forget women a second. What I would like to know is did you set me up. Jesus this is two hundred and fifty thousand pounds I got now to nearly borrow the whole thing from the fucking bank.’
‘Schultz you do take an uncommonly poor view of your fellow man don’t you.’
‘Yeah I do. But I wish like you I could afford to think beautiful thoughts instead of thinking the real thoughts I am forced to think especially that everyone’s out to fucking well screw me in this business. And by the way who were all those guys today with the attache cases.’
‘Lawyers from Edinburgh, Glasgow and London. And Schultz, do you see those large wine cisterns there. Lady Ottoline when they were filled with mulled wine was very fond of steeping her feet in them.’ ‘Holy jeez, more aristocratic pleasures I’ve been recently missing. Which makes me even more wonder why did such a beautiful and rich woman go and jump. Hey wait a minute, the whole thing is suddenly fucking crystal clear to me. Maybe she jumped because like when she put her feet in there, it felt good.’
‘Ah and by this analogy Schultz you think, she went out the door because she could feel no worse.’
‘That’s right. The overheads in this joint. I mean it’s a whole production. Living here would be a maintenance worry. This place is as big as your bloody castle.’
‘This place, Schultz I believe is even bigger.’
‘You mean even bigger than your biggest castle.’
‘Considerably.’
‘How the fuck big then is your biggest castle.’
‘I have, fortunately, no idea.’
‘You know your Lordship sometimes I think why did I ever have to meet you guys when my life was going along so nicely. And on that note and a last swallow of this fucking delicious good brandy, I’m going to bed. Boy me, just now in my shattered shambles, maybe I wouldn’t mind stopping living if you can have a death like hers in all this pomp and spacious circumstance. Goodnight your Lordship.’ Schultz stretched on his back in bed, hands folded behind his head, listening to the wind howling. And the creaking boards of the castle floors rising and falling with the pressure of the wind. Eyes opening at the noise of a chair scraping on the floor. Holy shit what’s this, a shadow at the foot of the bed. Rabbi, is it a spook. No Sigmund, it’s a very beautiful lady. O jesus, no more jokes Rabbi.
‘Hey who. Who is this.’
‘Ha. Hey who you. This is who. And I am who I am.’
‘O hey hello. Christ I thought I was dreaming. Hey.’
‘Hey you too.’
‘Jesus christ almighty, Catherine. Hey take a seat will you.’
‘I will. But first I’ve something to tell you.’
‘Jesus honey you can tell me any fucking thing, excuse my French, you want.’
‘Will you give me your shoulder. To cry on.’
‘Sure, sure.’
‘You see I am what is euphemistically known as mentally aberrated. And I am known euphemistically. But I’m just ordinary not extraordinary. And just ordinary aberrated. But I have this beautiful body inherited from my mother. I must keep it safe from harm you know. You see the trouble with me is that I’m not all there upstairs. Anymore that is. I was once you know. All there. Upstairs.’
‘Honey sit down. For Christ’s sake. And keep talking.’
‘Who you. Are you him. No I’m not you. You are not. Not him. But I am. Euphemistically speaking. The teeniest weeniest little bit nuts. We are all now but for me bankrupt in this castle. You see for important occasions as when someone dies, I am let loose. But I’m not completely nuts you know. But nicely nuts. Under my dressing gown I am in my negligee. What are you in. Ha ha. Are you in the altogether. Men’s private parts are their parts and their parts disturb me. I have no interest in sex per se. But I do take an interest in men’s private parts. Part of your privates of course are bandaged. I am so sorry, sorry, sorry you were hurt. Were you hurt.’
‘Honey, I was hurt and don’t stop talking.’
‘Well I may, if I may go on just a little. A little you know. I’m not ordinary nor extraordinary. And as in fact I have only just said, I am only the teeniest weeniest bit nuts. I entrance you do I. Am I and the whites of my eyes, eyes white, are they, are they entrancing.’
‘You betcha honey. And what about the whites of my eyes.’
‘Yes the whites of your eyes even in the dark entrance me.’
‘Hey honey, I don’t know whether I’m really ready to lock mentally aberrated intellectual horns with you. But christ why don’t you just get in here under the covers.’
‘I would like that. I’m not nuts. Not completely nuts. Just nuts it would seem. But late at night perhaps, I’m more nuts than usual. They’ve forgotten to bolt my door. My windows have bars. May I get into bed. I’d just like to weep a little. Quietly weep. Weeping quietly. I’m in lots of muddles and messes but I won’t make a fuss. They give me pills, I’m nuts you see. But I’m ordinary, not extraordinary. And I’m not yet pregnant by you. Am I.’
‘No honey you’re not but get into bed.’
You’re
Just what the
Doctor ordered
For
This fucking nut
16
In the howling and whining winds a faint bell tolling twelve. Catherine lying next to Schultz in bed. Her profile in silhouette in the sudden shafts of moonlight coming in the window. Her limbs warm. Her hair soft. Her skin silky. Rabbi. Is that musk in my nostrils. Or is this a ghost that lies beside me. With the most beautiful profile I’ve ever seen in my life. Sigmund it is no ghost which lies beside you. But Rabbi this is a ruined creature, who by her own admission says she’s nuts. So Sigmund you’re not that nuts if you know it, it’s when you don’t know you’re nuts that you’re really nuts.
‘What a nice name you have, Sigmund. And isn’t companionship on a wild windy night, nice. I know you will understand when I say I’m not interested in sex per se. But that does not mean to say I’m not. If you gather, my meaning. Do you gather.’
‘I gather, I gather, honey.’
‘You say honey. Are you a bee. Be you a bee. Ha ha. You be.’
‘Ha ha, ha. You’re a comedienne.’
‘Yes I am. I am. And I’m eccentric. I collect moths. And didn’t you, didn’t you think, only a moment ago, think that I was a ghost, a ghost.’
‘Hey holy shit honey, pardon again my French.’
‘Ah it is what you thought. Only a moment ago. Move over. No nearer, nearer. Not far away. Now you just lie there now with your head on my shoulder. Let me help you in all that you endeavour. And let me be kind, kind and sweet, sweet to you.’
‘Honey I’m in your power. Jesus and what power.’
‘It’s nut power. And you my little boy. You. You. Are one of the most handsome men I have ever seen. Ever seen. Not never seen. Ever seen. But I saw you. You. I wanted to reach across at dinner and twirl my fingers in your big long black curls. That’s why I’m here. You see it was most extraordinary. But I have seen an ordinary video of your private parts.’
‘You what honey.’
‘Upon the box. The box. The video box. In colour. Your parts. Caught in the zipper.’
‘What. Holy cow.’
‘O dear, have I distressed you.’
‘O jesus I’ll kill that son of a bitch.’
‘I did not mean to distress you. But it was I do believe one of the funniest things I have ever seen. O but I know, I know, you were in pain, in pain. But I thought you were most appreciative that it could be used as evidence in court. Binky does so wonderfully accompany it with his commentary.’
‘O my god, the fuc
king guy has no scruples.’
‘But he does, he does, if you only knew. And you are, aren’t you, so repetitively rude with your language. You see that’s what’s good about being nuts, you mind less what anybody says. In fact you cease minding at all. Because you know perhaps everybody’s fucking nuts, n’est-ce pas. But be careful you know, I may not actually be nuts at all. Anyway put your head back resting on my kind and comforting and cradling shoulder, and why don’t you just continue to say what you like to me and I’ll have a little listen.’
‘Jesus honey no, don’t let’s listen to me. Please.’
‘Well listening to me and my little story of life will not be very extraordinary. Very ordinary in fact. You see, like my mother, I have been extravagant. I went to Monte Carlo. It was she who first took me there. Quite honestly, the most delicious delicious fun. We were both there. Chemin de fer. Baccarat. Hardly any roulette. But O the chemin de fer, it was so delightful. Rather barren you know under those tall tall barn like ceilings. But I had such a wonderfully wonderful expensive time. You see I really am extravagant. Not very very extravagant. Only ordinary extravagant not extraordinary extravagant. I suppose if I didn’t have enough jewels I would buy jewels. Not that I love them. But you see, mother promised hers to Binky. But they, the men, they bought jewels for me too. Not so many as they bought for my dear lovely, lovely mother. Over whom they got so murderously jealous of each other waiting around in the lobby that two duels were fought. More than anything or anything more, though, they invited me to bed. Two of them forced their unwelcome attentions upon me. It seems such a long time ago but it’s not that long ago you know. I listened to their silly silly conceited stories about themselves. Nothing but themselves. And how wonderful they were. I would say sotto voce, the food’s divine too. I opened my windows so a breeze would blow pleasantly from the harbour. And get rid of all their pretentions. They were all so ugly. Not in body but in mind. And I never felt I was being unbeautiful when I would scream and shout and kick at them to go. I put my high heeled toe right up one chap’s arse and he walked away with it sticking out of him. Silly way to lose a good shoe.’
‘Holy christ honey you were having quite a time down there.’
‘Yes. You see there is this wonderful hotel with this large wonderful lobby. Where I used to go and sit. And never for long. Not long. As invariably a man would stop by me to ask me to go to the casino. Before of course he would ask me to go to bed. I counted them one by one. Dear me, I dare say it does add up. Promiscuity may have been part of my problem. And I am, I am a problem you know.’
‘Hey honey never mind the promiscuity or the problem. No problem. If we unlocked the bolt on your prison here. Could we go there. Like to Monte Carlo. Together.’
‘O I mustn’t run away now, even if mommie is dead.’
‘That’s why you can run away honey.’
‘By the way. Your way, by the way. I know your balls may not permit you. But do you want to mount me. It’s all right if you don’t, but you may mount me. I would, if I may be frank, quite honestly prefer that you did. Mount me. Mount me. Do I make myself clear.’
‘Honey crystal and very very clear.’
‘But first, first. I like to say my prayers. Do you pray, pray.’
‘Well yeah, sort of, sort of honey.’
‘I do pray and more than occasionally pray. I became a Catholic. Conversion you know from Protestantism. I light my little votive candle before bedtime in front of the sacred heart of Jesus, to glow you know, through the night. Please let me be kind to you. I feel you need kindness. Someone to stroke, may I, your brow. There. Soothing. And nice isn’t it.’
‘Yeah honey. Jesus.’
‘You know, don’t you that it’s within, deep within the heart that nearly all life’s suffering happens. You see once I was betrothed to a laird up in these hills, whom I loved and loved ever since I had been a little girl. Then before the wedding something awful happened on the grouse moor.’
‘What honey.’
‘I can’t speak of it just now. But when I do, do think of it it is always in the most nightmarish of ways. And I wake up if I am sleeping, weeping weeping. But by the way. Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with thee, blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. O dear those words. And my own wilted wilted womb. Which may never, never bear fruit.’
‘O jesus honey, take it easy, don’t cry, for Christ’s sakes. Here let me get off yours for a second, rest on my shoulder.’
‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry. O dear. O dear me. You’ll think me a nuisance, a nuisance.’
‘No. No. No shit. No nuisance.’
‘I do love your French. But I am. Just nuts and a nuisance. A problem, a problem.’
‘Come on, kiddo. Hey jesus I like you.’
‘Do you, do you.’
‘Sure. What the hell. I don’t have my watch on to see the time it is after twelve, but we’ve known each other now for what must be a full twenty minutes, maybe twenty five. And what the fuck you’ve seen a video, a video, of all there is to know about me.’
‘I could you know. If I tried really really hard, be nearly sane again. You can’t see me smiling but I am. Not crying. Don’t you think that that’s the worst thing in the world that could ever happen, if no one ever smiled again. You know when you fell in the chapel, and when you stood up, your face appearing over the top of the pew, you were all flushed red with embarrassment. And O god, I did know how you felt and that was when I first saw you. Then I saw you when I didn’t think I had, and you were crossing the room towards me and my heart quickened. And then O dear, all those other chaps crowded around me after the bishop left. I don’t know why I so readily admit to you that I’m nuts but I do. I don’t tell everyone you know. And I pretend, O I pretend, how I pretend to all those others than I’m sane, sane. But you looked so crestfallen. There you were no one talking to you. Completely left you. And you stopped and turned around and walked away. And it was you out of that whole room, mister tall dark and handsome, that I wanted to have come and speak to me. That’s how little babies get born you know. Ha ha. Someone comes up to one and stands at ease with their feet apart and speaks to one at a cocktail party.’ ‘Honey you’re one for the books.’
‘What does that mean.’
‘Jesus come to think of it, I don’t know. I grew up saying it.’
‘I love your American accent.’
‘Holy shit I didn’t know it was showing.’
‘It is, it is, so beautifully in every vowel. I’ll bet you come from Brooklyn or the Bronx or somewhere utterly awful like that.’
‘Honey Woonsocket, is the place.’
‘O god that sounds even worse, like the socket of my wound. Doesn’t it. Shall I ring for someone to bring us a snack.’
‘Holy shit, you mean there’s room service going on this time of night.’
‘O yes. And I’m starving. I neglected to eat at dinner. My aunts do so put me off. And I do so feel like a thick juicy big steak with mushrooms and creamed spinach. My mother you know. I’m sure the cooks cheat and go sleep somewhere nice and comfy comfy and cosy cosy but the kitchens and the ovens are kept going full blast even at four a.m. In fact especially at four a.m. That’s what I mean when I say we’re extravagant. My mother was fond of saying, we are on these mountains like a ship at sea braving over the ancient waves, the engines throbbing, throbbing. But it’s what no one can understand you know. The night she died, she had dinner early. And I guess if I don’t call room service I could eat you couldn’t I.’
‘You could honey, you could.’
‘I guess I’m getting like my mother. She hated for the night ever to end. I suppose that was what was the most extraordinary instead of ordinary thing about her. She lived for darkness. That’s why she adored the casino so much. She literally went out of her mind, O dear there is a slip of the tongue, the tongue, when she discovered Las Vegas. I went there too, you know. I got tennis elbow from the slot machines. Of co
urse there’s nothing there other than gambling to be extravagant about. And just gambling with money per se is not extravagant n’est-ce pas. My mother in going there always thought it was a way for her to cut down on expenses. O my dear mother. My dear dear mother. She did wreck, she so wrecked so many men’s lives before she wrecked her own. Those she left alive in her wake are still seething. I nearly feel that the rest are all already down there beneath the mountain broken in bone spirit and body and upon the stack of them she fell, hoping to be cushioned by them all once more. God, she was awful awful to men. What by the way would you like from the kitchen.’
‘O jesus me, honey holy shit.’
‘Your mind’s a fucking thousand miles away, and please do pardon my French.’
‘Ha ha honey. It was a thousand miles away but boy honey, you were right with me, let me tell you. Hey but christ I mean someone’s going to walk in on us here. You know, maybe jesus we sort of just could kind of stay alone. I got a hamper. Right over there. No kidding. Caviare, pate, smoked oysters. The whole works. What do you say we give it a whirl.’
Catherine lighting a candle as Schultz glides out of bed. Halfway across the floor, crashing into a chair. Falling over with a squeal of anguish, clasping his balls. In her gleamingly black negligee, Catherine at Schultz’s side assisting as he hobbles back to bed.
‘O my poor poor dear. How sweet. You’re accident prone. Let me help you. And I’ll get the hamper. And you, you. You just get back cosy, cosy and quiet. Back in bed. I may, mayn’t I, call you sweetie, sweetie.’
Schultz attentive host, pointing out his foodstuffs in the hamper opened on the eiderdown. Catherine unfolding a napkin, laying it up under Schultz’s chin. The tower bell tolling.
‘You do come prepared don’t you.’
‘It’s not me honey. It was my butler for the train.’
‘Do you know, may I tell you something.’
‘Sure, honey, shoot.’
‘Would you tolerate me.’
‘What do you mean honey.’
‘Well aberrated as I am I need to be tolerated. And I don’t want this to be the last, the very last, we are ever to see of each other. But I’d try so hard to be good. I really would. I’m not half bad looking. And my figure you haven’t really seen yet is the best part of me. I know we have not even slept together yet. And you may not want me after we do. But suppose you did, you did. O dear. I have a fear. I’ve already said too much, too much. That what I am saying is no use, no use.’ ‘Honey I got a confession to make. There’s a girl in London I love.’ ‘That’s why I said no use. I knew there would be something like that. Wives. Children. And worse. Someone whom you worship and adore. Adore adore. First tell me what you’d like from the hamper.’ ‘I’m OK for food. Hey jesus honey, no offence to you. But maybe I could take a raincheck.’