Jorricks bowing and withdrawing from the presence. Schultz slowly dressing. Donning brand new silk underwear. Slipping on loafers. Black knit tie knotted on a nice broadcloth blue buttondown shirt. Look at the way everything is laundered, folded and smelling fresh. Jorricks is about the most marvellous thing now I got left in my life. And any second soon I ain’t going to be able to pay his salary. Or anybody’s salary. Or even buy a one way bus fare to somewhere like Hornchurch. Where I could go kick the living shit out of that bloody dyke Deirdre. Who did at least half of what was done to me. And this insistent long ring of the door bell could be more bloody writs being served by my wife. You’d think she’d run out of claims by now. But worse, if West End business plummets, could be bailiffs and debt collectors. Because man, this is a tidal wave coming to wash me right out of these fucking loafers Jorricks has gleamingly shined and here he is again, already back nervous as shit at the door.
‘Sir. Excuse me. Daniel is ready and awaiting you at the car sir. But there’s a young lady calling. Refuses to give a name. But says she is a personal friend.’
‘Holy jeez, I should need sudden personal friends now unbidden on my personal doorstep.’
‘She has it appears accompanying luggage.’
‘Is she beautiful with black hair.’
‘No sir, she’s tall, very tall, with blonde hair.’
‘O my god no. I don’t need this. Are there pith helmets.’
‘Yes. As a matter of fact sir there are. Six I believe. Pith helmets. And much of what seems to be movie equipment. All stacked up out on the front porch sir. She did say something I didn’t quite catch in reference to a projected film up the Amazon. Is there something wrong sir.’ ‘I got to get to the office Jorricks. Bring her into the hall. Keep the front door closed. I’ll get out the basement. Then see if you can get rid of her. Like I’m gone on a plane to New York. No. Make that Moscow. Harmless but she’s a little bit if not totally nuts. Got some weird fixation of exploration up the Nile.’
‘She said the Amazon sir. But I quite understand sir. After you’ve safely left sir, I’ll suggest she leave.’
‘Do that. O boy. Today is going to be a day. Jesus I really do need Ave Maria on the car sound system. If a Joe Jewels rings later tell him only ring me at the office.’
‘Yes sir. O dear we still are a little bit poorly aren’t we.’
‘We sure are Jorricks. I’m rocky. But OK.’
‘Here let me help you with your coat. Brush you up a mite. O dear I am sorry about New York sir.’
‘Yeah Jorricks. I’m sorry too let me tell you.’
‘I do believe there is noise and shouting at the front door sir. And sir I hope you’re not going to stay in town and miss some nice consomme for supper sir, and salmon mousse. And duck a l’orange. For which I will decant a Bonnes Mares from the cellar.’
‘Jesus Jorricks. Fuck a duck. Sorry I don’t mean fuck a duck. I mean, holy shit I’m going to be back for the duck. Don’t worry. That’s wonderful, no kidding. But jesus it could be the last supper.’
‘O no sir, O no.’
‘O yes Jorricks, O yes. But what you do is, you don’t let them do it to you. Voom. Voom. That’s how you got to go. And I’m going. Right now. And I’m nearly gone.’
‘O dear your private phone sir. Shall I answer.’
‘No. I’ll catch it. It will be that son of a bitch Jewels. Up at seven a.m. in New York in a panic trying to put me in a panic trying to pull some new wool over my eyes. Hello. Yeah it’s the Schultz residence, Schultz speaking. Who’s this. Hey come on who’s this on my confidential number.’
‘Who the fuck do you think it is you schlemiel.’
‘Al.’
‘Yeah, Ah’
‘Al Duke.’
‘Yeah. Ah Al Duke.’
‘I don’t believe this. Is this really you Ah Christ I heard from Joe Jewels that you were alive but I thought he was kidding. Because news was around you had passed on after your gaskets blew for the second time in LA. Hey sorry. Ah I don’t mean that. It’s just I can’t help but put it in layman’s language like that.’
‘You would wouldn’t you think that and use such expression wouldn’t you, you schlemiel. And yeah I know, you were looking and waiting for my obit in Variety.’
‘O christ. I’m sorry Ah But I mean jesus all this time I’ve been hearing you were a singed hair’s breadth from the crematorium. And hey look I swear this is the best thing to hear from you. I really mean it. I’m up out of a sick bed this second. And let me repeat, it really is great to hear from you. Al. After all this time. No kidding. I mean look we were, weren’t we, close good friends. And we let something as silly as a woman come between us.’
‘Cut out all the shit. I don’t want to listen. This is no social call and this is what I got to tell you. I’ll make it short and sweet. The show here is a shambles. Jewels is making an offer you stuck your tongue out at. Which is seventy five thousand dollars to help pay investors back.’ ‘Holy shit hold it Al. If this is business, call me again on this number in my car. I’m leaving my house Al this second in an emergency. No shit, please. I got a misunderstanding going on right now down on my front doorstep which could be coming closer my way any moment.’ ‘Like always, isn’t it. And the fucking disgrace you’re putting an innocent person like your wife through in the courts with two innocent children she’s trying to protect from damaging publicity.’
‘Al. What is this, a renewed vendetta. Come on. Innocent. She’s suing me. She jumped off a fucking famed tourist bridge in front of the world. I got to go. If you want for old time’s sake to say anything civilized to me call me in my car.’
Schultz hanging up. Creeping down the stairs. Jorricks motioning from the hall. Proceed. Past the door of the library. Jesus a good place to put her. I got it so happens not only Kierkegaard and Rilke in there but Korzybski. She’ll think I’m a genius when I haven’t read not one single book of philosophy since I’ve been in show biz. Because boy you don’t need to. It’s betray or be betrayed. O christ this stair squeaks. The back garden out there. O god it’s weeks since I’ve been down in this kitchen. Hey hi ya there pigeons. Jesus they’re fucking overfeeding you, you all got so fat. God Jorricks even got the paving stones of the floor waxed and polished. Go past the wine cellar. Les Bonnes Mares is next to that nice little vineyard Clos de Tart which also has an entirely seductive wine if I do say so myself. Which shit soon I could be having to auction off instead of groaning with pleasure as all those wonderful bottles go deliciously down my gullet. Open this door. Close it. O boy the outside world and fresh air at last. Just get up these steps. Slow one by one. A beautiful beautiful gorgeous day. The sunlight shining fabulous on the Ambassador’s house. Holy shit there he is his Excellency, waving. His big black beaming face. Jesus look at the smile. Wonderful. He’s really glad to see me. Up there in his window, welcoming me back out in the world again. Jesus my heart’s pounding climbing up all the steps. His Excellency is shaking his hand up and down. He must have seen the Skyscraper. Boy I’ll bet that randy black son of a bitch would like to try her for size. Fuck it. Why didn’t I ever think of that. Correct that. I just thought of it. His Excellency with his diplomatic immunity, could arrange for her to go up the Nile and if they ain’t got no piranhas they may have crocodiles. And standing right now in front of my house are three ominous looking guys. O my god. Look at fucking Daniel, like he’s a war decorated general in the Zumzim-zamgazi army. What next, Rabbi. What next. Sigmund, hang medals on him, for valour he’s going to need protecting you.
‘Hey Gov. Excuse me. You live in there.’
‘Who wants to know.’
‘We do. We’re waiting out here. The girl who went in and hasn’t come out owes twenty seven quid to us.’
‘Sorry can’t help you.’
Daniel stepping between Schultz and the three taxi drivers. Putting out his chest full of medals and rearing up to his full six foot four.
‘You heard the good gentl
eman now, fuck off before you get a beautiful kedgeree made of your ugly combined faces.’
Daniel with a sweep of his hand ushering Schultz in the open door of the limousine. Schultz sinking back into the soft upholstered perfumed interior. Door clicking shut. The long black vehicle pulling away past the three taxi drivers’ faces glowering on the kerbstone.
‘Holy christ Daniel I appreciate the interference you ran on that play, but strong words like that could make them call the police.’
‘Sure the copper on our beat Mr Schultz is down having coffee and chocolate doughnuts with meself and Mr Jorricks every morning. No worry about that. And they’d be arrested for the disrespectful looks on their faces.’
‘Well you give that strong arm of the law an extra doughnut then. First to the theatre Daniel where I just want you to drive slowly past. And then to the office.’
‘Aye aye captain.’
Daniel frowning deeply, leaning intently over the steering wheel. Cruising past Hyde Park Corner and along Piccadilly. Swerving once, slowing twice, and stopping three times throwing me out of the seat but making a sincere effort to miss stationary and other moving objects. Population of London must have increased with all this traffic. Jesus I love this town. Fucking love it. And being on the top instead of on the bottom. And alas, to which latter I could be again returning soon. Look down there that beautiful vista between rows of these Binky and Basil attended exclusive clubs, with the clock tower of St James’s Palace at the end, telling you what a wonderful time it is.
‘Ah it’s a great chariot this sir, purring its three hundred horse power plus.’
‘Daniel just keep the three hundred horse power off the footpaths.’
‘Aye aye captain and enough said sir. Now before I was a hospital porter I was a lamplighter up and down and around St James Palace itself. Ah god I loved that life. On me bike in the fresh air in the morning switching off and at evening tide switching on. But now in me latter occupation of hospital porter you’d soon get into the habit wheeling the deceased and that you never had to have a mind about running them into anything.’
‘Well I’m not deceased. Yet. Daniel.’
‘Understood sir. And you don’t mind me making a personal remark.’
‘No.’
‘By god that’s one big lump of an agricultural girl who was out there on the doorstep. You wouldn’t mind me enquiring as to her business.’
‘As a matter of fact I do mind, Daniel. But just to satisfy your curiosity this once, she’s auditioning. I’m going into the circus business.’
‘Is that a fact. Well sir I don’t know what tricks she has up her sleeve but let me tell you you don’t mind me saying she’d do to hold up the middle of any tent.’
‘Yeah. A tent. Meanwhile she could hold up and fuck up my fucking life.’
‘I didn’t catch that Mr Schultz.’
‘It was nothing Daniel.’
The limousine circling Leicester Square. Pigeons in great flocks in the park at the foot of the trees. But why Rabbi just when I was sitting pretty, before I even caught my breath, does the threat of financial unhappiness have to come so soon again. Ah Sigmund, always when you’re purring on top of the pile of happiness, most of life’s blows fall then. Rabbi I doubt I could ever go back to the face slaps. Like my poor father got selling his lingerie door to door. Or the struggle of those long agonized empty afternoons in a dusty office waiting for something to happen. No secretary to shoot the shit with. And always the desperate seconds before five o’clock came. Everyone in other offices gone home. Me still there waiting hoping the phone would ring. My fingers flexing to grab up the receiver off the cradle at the first tinkle. That it would be news to change all the downward trend upward again. The winds of loneliness howling around your ears. Binky and his Lordship long gone to invitations as long as your arm. And then me going out to a cheap Chinese restaurant up some alley. Ordering what was cheapest on the menu. And even then changing restaurants for the next course because it was cheaper up some other fucking dingy alley.
‘Mr Schultz how slow now do you want me to go past the theatre.’
‘Just slow, not too slow.’
‘Ah then slow it is and not too slow.’
The limousine going past the streamer decorated marquee. Lights surrounding ‘Kiss It Don’t Hold It It’s Too Hot’, blinking on and off. A dim glow inside the lobby. And just as I thought. Not one damn customer anywhere waiting to buy tickets. Boy do I need two pennies to rub together now. With so many lawyers slathering at the mouth over what they imagine is my staggering wealth. Fuck I should take Jewels’s money and run. Shit no. Schultz. Hold. Don’t budge. Nobody but nobody like Joe Jewels buys what he can’t sell for more. And a lot fucking more. Inveigling even Al to try to convince me he’s doing me a favour. Al who with his gaskets fixed hasn’t the nerve to call back. The cunt. Jesus his irritating voice is even sounding louder and more irritating than ever now that he’s reincarnated again. As a big buffoon dragging little impressionable girls around his big celebrity orbit. And his phone call has left my nerves so bad, I’ve even forgot to soothe them playing Ave Maria.
‘Now Mr Schultz, sure I hit nothing and here we are where you want to be. And shall I wait.’
‘Yeah Daniel. Wait.’
Schultz slowly alighting out the car door. Daniel at an elbow shepherding across the pavement between pedestrians. Into the entrance of this old stone building. Smell of stale urine down here in the hall. Christ imagine on this site was forged my whole fucking future what’s left of it. This is like nostalgia. Up in this elevator in which it’s hardly big enough to get a hard on. And in which I may have also come down in ignominy and terror so many times and ready to dump my guts out on the sidewalk. Turn this old black knob, go through this door from this shabby landing. Which even when it was painted only made it look like it needed another paint job. Into the office after all these weeks. Ferret around in the clauses of god damn contracts. See what there is to salvage out of the fucking precious world I built of peace and prosperity which could now be ending.
‘O Mr Schultz I’m so glad to see you.’
‘Yeah Rebecca. How are you. Hey jesus kid, what’s the matter what’s wrong.’
‘I’m afraid everything Mr Schultz.’
‘Yeah that’s what I thought. You heard the news from New York. Is Binky in.’
‘Yes he is sir. Please. Please do go right in.’
Schultz moving down the hall. Looking in the waiting room door. No contortionists, ventriloquists, conmen, actors, actresses or mothers with their daughters in tow in sweaters with their big falsie conspicuous tits. No Magillacurdy pounding his chest and pouring champagne over his head. Hey jesus the whole place has a feel of a funeral parlour. Rebecca was like ushering me in to view the remains. Someone’s moved my files out in the hall. What’s this. The autographed photographs of the Hollywood stars parked stacked one against the other on the floor against the wall. Past all these familiar rooms. Christ where the fuck are the secretaries. Christ the pair of intellectuals are packing up. All their bullshit pamphlets and papers piled high on the desk. Jesus there’s already like there’s some kind of mouldering decay around this place. My god. An almighty jolt of pain is just gone up my ass.
‘O Mr Schultz may I have a word with you later.’
‘Sure Rebecca, sure.’
Schultz turning the crystal knob on the door. Silently pulling it ajar. Binky bent over a waste paper basket his foot crushing papers down. And two handedly dumping more in. A fire in the fireplace blazing.
‘Good gracious me. I thought I heard a little click behind my back. Ah, my dear Schultz, this is a pleasant surprise. You are up and well again. And in your impenetrable mirrored spectacles no less. How nice. How superbly nice if I may join two such positive sounding words together. Now then, what’s this you’re at. I hear our good and dear Lord Nectarine Master of Foxhounds and your good and dear self had not that long ago a little greased wrestling with, ah was
it mountain skiing girls. One lady topping the six foot six mark I understand. And all accompanied by furniture breaking. Or was it merely a little tete a tete with a very select topless group of the daughters of pleasure.’
‘Holy shit Binky don’t remind me of that night and of the breakage of such gorgeous antique stuff.’
‘But one does remind. Nothing more energizing I think for the male spirit than ladies who smeared liberally in their exotic oils, squirm and squeal so deliciously about in his Lordship’s nice ballroom doing their damndest to score a try in one of his Lordship’s inimitable indoor rugby games. And especially exciting with his collection of effigies. I was most disappointed not to have been there. One it seems is never invited where one is wont to go. Among girls in their scanties tugging with hands upon the other various bosoms wagging in a downward manner in the scrum. I mean how wonderful you must have found all those naked rear ends bent over shoving and pushing which in turn provokes one to shove and push. Was Lord Nectarine belching all evening as he normally does on such occasions. And announcing loudly as he also does that it is down with small minded fuckers. And was my dear old pal Jill the goldfish swallower there. O and I nearly forgot. The immensely sportiff Madame Soignee.’
‘OK Binky you finished. Obviously you heard. The show’s a total flop in New York.’
‘Ah yes, it must be all about town now. News does travel fast in show biz, doesn’t it. Our dear old friend Al back from the dead, was only on the phone the moment before you walked in and he generously supplied one with the further and better particulars. A vulgar pathetic travesty is I believe how one critic put it. Indeed even those nincompoops at the box office here in London are alarmed and also have just tried to reach you. Forward booking is it appears slowing dramatically to a standstill.’ ‘Fucking hell Binky come on cut the aphorisms and prose, this is disaster I’m here about. I ain’t got time for fucking goldfish going down some whore’s throat. And you you son of a bitch knew we were going to bomb in New York didn’t you. Leaving me with the grains of fucking sand falling between my fingers and minus a quarter of a million quid borrowed from a fucking bank.’