‘Dear me, did I. Leave you with such grains of sand. O dear I am sorry. I fear I’ve got so many other troubles Schultz that that little transaction has totally slipped my mind. But I am always ready to watch carefully to see how acquaintances proceed in life and to be alert to those shoals they encounter, and by so seeing, avoid them oneself. But I do believe you already have the good news that Joe Jewels is trying to buy up the remnants.’
‘Fucking Joe Jewels is waiting like he always is. Like a cobra to strike. And do a deal when he thinks he’s got my back to the wall.’
‘I like your image Schultz but surely a little compensation, however modest, is to be always seriously considered.’
‘What the fuck why should you care anyway, you’re out of it at a profit.’
‘Indeed I shouldn’t. And perhaps even don’t. You see Schultz for me, it is all too late. Too late for me Schultz. Too late.’
‘Hey what the fuck’s going on in here anyway. And outside, my files in the hall. Why are you dismantling everything for.’
‘Ah what a good and highly pertinent question Schultz. I thought you’d never notice. Or take off your impenetrable eyewear. You see I am inviting the most chic of designers over from Paris to revamp the place. Rid of all this Georgian brothel motif.’
‘Hey wait a second. You’re burning papers and files.’
‘Ah and you spot there of course, that my coat and hat are neatly folded across the chair instead of being as they usually are housed in my little cloakroom which has of course the chairman’s crapper and the chairman’s basin and in which you unfortunately fractured your deputy chairman’s balls.’
‘Yeah I see your coat and hat.’
‘Well I suggest you hold on tight to yours Schultz. And by the way that video I made of your testicles which got confused in your fly zipper may have to be disposed of to the highest bidder.’
‘Come on stop. This conversation is wasting time. I want to know why my filing cabinets are shifted out of my office. And what the fuck you’re doing destroying everything in here. And your intellectuals packing up.’
‘I suggest you too Schultz go lay pronto claim to your files.’
‘What for. You just make damn sure if you’re redecorating this place that they go back in my office.’
‘Well we wouldn’t would we Schultz want the bailiff to cart them off. You know how they are grabbing everything in sight. And poor poor Mario. In the doorway not that long ago, weeping. No more are there to be any of his nourishing seven course slap up lunches. You see there, I have with me an apple and an orange bought off the stall just up the street, from a chap you would never believe, keeps racehorses. A stable of thoroughbreds and from whom I’ve occasionally got a winning tip or two.’ ‘Hey jesus, wait a second, what is this. Are you abandoning ship. Or are you really redecorating this place.’
‘Ah well put in your naval parlance Schultz. And these little stacks of cuttings you see here I shall take with me. Keep to read again on the train. But my word, your wife’s bosoms centre spread in this newspaper. Forgive me my dear chap for referring, but they do leave many of the wondrous girls who’ve sought fame and fortune in these offices looking rather timidly inadequate in contour.’
‘That fucking vicious Sunday rag. Only I was sick I would have sued.’
‘You see dear chap, I have kept faithful track of your little difficulties in the marriage stakes. You must now indeed be very knowledgeable on that subject.’
‘Yeah I fucking well am. Marriage is the first step in a man’s emasculation. And then in his ultimate insolvency.’
‘Dear me Schultz, dear fellow. I detect a distinct note of disillusionment if not outright pessimism in that remark. Join me. A little of my most excellent of excellent ports is left here in the decanter.’ ‘Jesus I will. And don’t worry about the pessimism it’s a fucking mountain of misery you detect. I don’t know what the fuck is happening here but whatever it is your Paris designer is in for a shock. And I got to fucking well talk to New York in a second.’
‘Of course you have Schultz. And please do so before the phones are cut off. Ah but I do believe there is even a rather important looking letter for you here.’
Castle Park
Stoat On The Wold
My dear Mr Schultz,
I do hope you’ll remember our pleasant little meeting over a bottle of excellent champagne together in hospital which I now thankfully have done with. I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed your wonderful stage presentation ‘Kiss It Don’t Hold It’. My convalescence was miraculous as a result. God’s speed to you in future endeavours.
Yours
Leathers
P.S. By the way how are your pigeons. My tumblers are a treat.
‘Look at this Binky. Look. Everyone they love the show.’
‘My good gracious me. But this particular gentleman is not everyone Schultz. Dear me you are blase, rubbing elbows over champagne no less, with one of our most famed and revered military commanders of all time. Marvellous opportunity Schultz for you to pop his endorsement on to a few placards in front of the theatre.’
‘Come on Binky, fuck it I’ve got to get my office back into action.’
‘Ah but might I first simply state that following a series of meetings with legal and banking gentlemen in various parts of the United Kingdom and in one or two places abroad over the last few weeks, days and indeed in the last desperate few hours, that my mother’s wherewithal including her best castles and estates along with the entirety of their furnishings all of which were deeply mortgaged have had to be disposed of. I fear that my dear beautiful mother, much as were heaped riches upon her throughout her life, by various of her admirers, was upon her death encumbered with debts so astronomical and numerous that in realizing her assets we succeeded in only dealing with the tip of the iceberg. And in my feeble attempts to make up the difference in paying such debts, I have Schultz, with my every investor backing out, been left holding the bag in which my extravagant new musical has just been shoved and now fully weighted down, such production has quietly sunk into the utter depths of insolvency, a word you’ve just so aptly used. And Equity that marvellous institution for the protection of mimes have declared me persona non grata.’
‘First I don’t believe this. And second, if I did believe it why the fuck didn’t you just let your mother go bankrupt.’
‘Dear me. Die in dishonour. And her name and her dear memory be stigmatized. Nae.’
‘Holy shit. But why not. What the fuck do you care. It would be sad but she’s dead.’
‘Schultz you are, aren’t you, insensitive to the ways in which some of us still insist to conduct ourselves in these isles.’
‘Fuck you’re not going to give me that shit that it’s the way an English gentleman must behave. Most of whom have been the biggest bunch of chiselling dirty rats I’ve ever met. Jesus I’m beginning to believe this. The unbelievable. Pour me some more port and let me fucking well sit fucking well down a second if I can find somewhere. Well I guess for my part anyway, it will be a relief you’re not riding on my fucking coat tails anymore.’
‘Dear me. Your coat tails Schultz. If I do recall correctly your presence here has in these offices, long been one of gentle sufferance. Or perhaps I should rather be less euphemistic considering you did owe this company in the neighbourhood of eleven thousand pounds, and say to your face right now that you, you pathetic little cunt, are nothing more than a fucking jumped up little pipsqueak. O dear, temper. In these last few minutes together, recalling our previous board meetings, I do hope one won’t have recourse to rudeness. I therefore as chairman vote to slap my own wrist. Slap, slap, you naughty chairman you.’
‘Wow. The black abyss. Holy fuck. Here I am trying to shore up the production. And talk about board meetings. This, if it ever could be called one is one for the books.’
‘Schultz just toss me over that photograph on that stack of Spotlights there from which casting volumes his Lordship and I were
wont to populate our beds from time to time. Especially with those ladies who listed their Russian as fluent, which one always found was merely a form of fluent rubbish once they were under the covers and we were hoping to hear the exciting tones of an Eastern European tongue. Yes you cunt Schultz on your own coat tails take a seat. One doesn’t want to dramatize one’s life. But should it give you any satisfaction to hear, your quarter of a million was swallowed up in a trice. And so my dear shrewd Schultz. I am to put it mildly but again bluntly, simply skint.’
‘Hey christ look a second someone is undressing in that window across the street. Hey but wait a second who the fuck is this here, with the mask on in this photograph. The utterly gorgeous body looks familiar.’
‘She did try her hand at the stage. At singing and dancing as a matter of fact. Gave them all up. Eva. Do believe you must have met. Suffice to say that the world is these days, such a quickly changing place. In the face of all these young pop stars popping. And the young lady’s voice trained for arias and other cultural niceties. Which these show biz phenomena on the horizon these days, so lack. But upon which one should have insisted when one chose to make her a star. I opened her up in Brighton. O dear, rather let me rephrase that. I produced her first solo engagement in that seaside town and had to close the next night.’
‘OK I get the message, you’re broke, your production’s abandoned, but this beautiful broad is who you are now fucking.’
‘Put somewhat crudely, yes Schultz. But alas I shall not be cohabiting with the dear lady for the foreseeable future. From now on, I shall distinctly lack that wondrous pleasure. Dear me such a barren road ahead. No Mario to cook lunch. No chauffeur to cart me to the station. But good port this, isn’t it. Especially taken in the blaze of the fire. Here let me chuck this nice thick file on. However solicitors’ letters appear not to burn that well.’
‘Jesus Binky enough. Enough. I’m reeling. Let me get all this straight.’
‘I have now Schultz no little cosy townhouse. Of course I’ve settled a spare trust fund producing some wherewithal upon my dear little wife, who has temporarily removed to her parents in the country. You didn’t hear that I had a dear new little baby did you. Never having been one for adoring children, I was quite surprised to find the pretty little creature plucking at my heart strings. I do believe I have been dispossessed of rather a lot.’
‘Yeah well if my troubles weren’t facing me and an albatross hadn’t landed on this show, I only wish I could ruin you even more. No jesus, sorry, that was a slip of the tongue. Boy this is becoming the most depressing afternoon of my entire fucking life. With you talking like this. And me having to sidestep the Broadway disaster like the most greatest matador of all time.’
‘Ah I like that metaphor Schultz. But as must be obvious my selling out was not due to cleverness, and I can take no such credit.’
‘Holy mackerel as if I need this happening to me across the other side of the fucking ocean. Hey come on Binky what would you do if you were in my shoes.’
‘Well speaking as if I were in your shoes Schultz, which were I believe paid for out of the production account, I would do little but wait. See how old cobra Joe Jewels behaves. He always seems to have something up his sleeve. Rushing on stage, goosing the mimes. Or even attempting to piss as Magillacurdy does on the footlights and having every newspaper in town herald it across the front page. Indeed one strongly suggests you behave as some long accustomed lawyers do, following an acute skirmish in a litigation, and let the dust settle a little. But I dare say you, you cunning old codger, will manage. You must by now have a nice little bit of the best quality bullion stashed away at your various offshore addresses. And by the way did any of those charming ladies bring parsley from their gardens in the green belt to Lord Nectarine.’
‘Holy shit, stop. Come on Binky. Nothing is making sense. I want to know what the fuck’s really going on. No fucking vast fortune like you’ve got evaporates overnight.’
‘Schultz you’d be surprised. And in finding out myself it required travelling to Liverpool, to Aberdeen, to Manchester, and even to such far away places as Norwich and Milton Keynes. Of course by the time I got to Milton Keynes, to say I was buggered, bewildered and baffled is a grave understatement. And to refer back to albatrosses, such birds did then seem indeed all over the town shitting from every perch. My how those big birds do shit. And as I quietly went to have soothing tea in a cosy little tea place, I could see such birds’ deposit heaped high upon my own planned little musical extravaganza. Dear old Magillacurdy and Margot would have made quite a draw. Given it a wonderful long and prosperous run. Ah Schultz you sit there frowning and yawning. Very bad sign. Suffice now to say the entire premises is yours to rent if you like. Indeed you might also even like to consider the theatre I bought and which a bank has repossessed. Currently available on the market Schultz. The old Mercury as a matter of fact. I had planned to put my little extravagant musical in it.’
‘Holy jesus christ. I still don’t believe this. Binky is this really for fucking real.’
‘I toast you on it with port Schultz. For real.’
‘Hey come on there’s got to be good news somewhere.’
‘One does search in such detritus exculpatory empathic, moot and moonish climes. Such words Schultz being known as fluent rubbish. With which one can fuck up some legal cunt’s jargon. Tends to steady the nerves when one is under pressure. Eases the panic. Can recommend it you know.’
‘Detritus exculpatory empathic moot and moonish.’
‘You’ve got it Schultz. By god you’ve got it. Especially beneficial when one is facing things which are considerably worse than bad. Creditors can be like howling hyenas. Whereas a single creditor can be quite pathetic and an object of sympathy. Dear me one such one was wailing so hard on the castle front steps, I dumped a bucket of ice water on him just to change his concern for a moment. But when they come in their many.’
‘Christ let me change my seat and sit over here in your soft chair. Hey you got a bag here behind the desk. And holy fuck what’s that now. Hey that sounds like someone’s crying out there in the hall.’ ‘Ah. My. You do notice things Schultz after all. One or two members of the staff have taken matters rather hard. Distressing to say the least. Train time is approaching. I am proceeding in a very few moments to Victoria Station. And thence further afield. One does not want to be too sentimental and cuddlesome, but thinking back to moments here, when embattled in the cigar smoke we sat. Sometimes with as many as a dozen lawyers and accountants and meddlers at a time. And we were, with his usually absent Lordship, comrades in arms. You and I against the whole bunch of them. Each minute ticking away and costing at least a hundred quid. For which tidy amount they mouthed their usual inanities punctuated with their whys and wherefores and notwithstandings. And imagine. Not that long ago there could have been that moment when the two of us might have been bowing to receive Her Majesty the Queen. Seen close up a lady of great charm and beauty. Her skin like a peach and her smile welcoming like a mild spring dawn. And I was so looking forward to your meeting her. To watch as Her Majesty extended her hand to be taken. And then you Schultz extending your own to shake her hand and then to hear you in your inimitable way, exclaim.’
Holy fucking
Christ
My whole fucking arm
Is paralysed
23
A knock on the chairman’s door of Sperm Productions. Rebecca’s head peeking in. A dusty draught flowing into the room. Schultz seated behind Binky’s desk as Binky snaps closed the top of a large leather worn valise.
‘Ah what is it Rebecca.’
‘May I interrupt a moment.’
‘But of course. Mr Schultz and I are only just tying up a few last minute little loose ends in here before I depart.’
‘I’ve just learned that the bailiff is soon to be on his way.’
‘O dear. It always amazes how quickly gloomy one can get. How much time do you think it leaves me Rebecca. Wou
ld you say.’
‘I wouldn’t depend on any longer than half an hour at the most.’ ‘Ten minutes will do nicely. You see Schultz we have some kindly person warning us in the bailiffs office. But ah there you have it now. The actual crunch. About to befall. Designer’s fees, estate agent’s fees, seamstresses, the usual lot. Indeed even a few restaurant and hotel bills. From the less better restaurants and hotels you understand. And the outlandish rumour that I’m in possession of a few valuable baubles. Thank you Rebecca. And do call me a taxi. You see Schultz the offices are about to be besieged.’
‘Jesus no.’
‘Jesus, yes Schultz. But of course you’ll stay to fight them off. Biff bam boom. And from these beleaguered confines maybe even get your call through to New York. But now then Schultz you clandestine dirty filthy fucker you have bedded my sister.’
‘Come on Binky go catch your fucking train. I’m already beginning to feel sick to my stomach.’
‘Dear me so many last minute emergencies aren’t there. My dear beautiful sister. Possibly left in your clutches. And with her considerable trust funds. You know she is the one who alerted me to the use of fluent rubbish. Dear brilliant girl that she often can be despite her affliction of eccentricity.’
‘Fuck Binky, I haven’t seen or heard of your sister since I left the castle. And no woman is in my clutches. I’m trying to fucking well kick them out of my clutches.’
‘Ah Schultz you shout. Do sit down, don’t be so perturbed.’ ‘Perturbed. I’m trying to cope with disaster in New York. And you’re accusing me about your sister. While someone’s on the way here to raid this place with all my files in it.’
‘O dear I suppose that I too am a little overwrought. In these past few days of desperately vulnerable and distressing moments which wax more than wane, I was trying to salvage as much as one can of one’s faith in human nature. I had even, would you believe it Schultz, planned a feeble little dinner party at which you were to be guest of honour and to which you might come looking forward to being so honoured. But I am afraid that as the pain of my recent mother’s death continues, and the attendant mostly financial circumstances obtain, that plan can only but be put into the future. It seems now I depart into the black abyss of bankruptcy, while you dear Schultz I daresay will go on to even bigger and better triumphs in the theatre.’