‘Hey come on, hold it Binky. I’m going to be like I am, just never taking my mind off the round the clock battle. And that’s how you should be.’
‘Indeed that’s how one has been, Schultz. Of course occasionally deluding oneself with the ameliorating unreality that one was merely a thespian taking the stage. Announcing such gems as what the actress said to the archbishop. That’ll be a sovereign to shine your mace your Grace. But Schultz in our final moments left, I’d like upon this parting to convey one’s most recently received perceptions. I won’t deny I have been born to certain social and financial privileges. Which frankly haven’t prepared me for some of the rude awakenings one has recently undergone. Even departing here our little cosy suite of offices produces a gnawing sorrow of sorts. And one does so try to avoid such pain, which frankly I don’t think I can bear in the proper stalwart manner. Suffering as one does to say what might be a final goodbye to all of you.’
‘Fuck nothing has me fully convinced yet that maybe you ain’t just going off to the Riviera for a holiday.’
‘Ah, what a wonderful idea of course. And on an equally reflective note, Schultz. Do you know it is every bit as much like leaving the dear lady to whom one was wed for many happy years. My own dear little wife. She actually had recently given me a couple of presents. Three pairs of pure cotton footwear made in Turkey with tags that said free size socks. Schultz I laughed when I saw them, having long time purchased a longer variety of sock in Jermyn Street. And then there was another present. The really thoughtfully nice one. Of lavender bath salts. Which suddenly at the last moment she took away, presumably to use for herself. Do you know, I broke down and wept. Ah and just so do the harsh realities of life come upon one. Those two presents were one of her few acts of affection she’d ever displayed towards me. But when I plaintively enquired after the disappearance of the bath salts, she told me that now I was broke I was to fuck off. Not nice is it Schultz. In one’s own front hall. In what was once one’s own comfortable little townhouse.’
‘Whew Binky come on. Have mercy. Have mercy. Don’t try to convince me anymore. I’m convinced. Catch your train will you. I’ll stay and beat the shit out of the bailiff.’
‘But you see my dear chap, I’m afraid that it’s had the most utterly gruesome effect on me. I shrink away now like a dog kicked in the face. And am even ashamed at my own dismay. But you see, there is even more to it than that. When she told me to fuck off, I actually packed my little things together on the spot. Minus the bath salts of course. And as I opened the front door latch to go she suddenly wanted me to stay. And I found myself not that many moments later, opposite her in bed. And doing such things are very unsuitable for parting, don’t you think. Then suddenly I don’t know what overcame me. I found myself having fucked her saying fuck you my dear, I am leaving. Most of the night however, had already passed. Her sobs there in the dark under cover of the counterpane were heartrending. I could hear her terrible agonized cries even as I descended the stairs with a guilt so agonizing it racked every micromorph of my being. Then down in the library with dawn breaking and my little bags about me I had an acute attack of sorrow. I too wept. And as I wept. Tears plopping on the paper, I composed these words. In a poem to her. Shall I read.’
‘Binky I got to call New York I swear to christ. Before the fucking bailiff comes and rips the phones out.’
‘O dear I keep forgetting no one wants to listen.’
‘For fuck’s sake, OK I’ll listen. Holy jesus. And holy shit Binky I don’t know what’s hitting me here. Come on. Of course.’
‘Ah I knew you’d understand Schultz, how one so smitten might behave. Poetry is always a damn good way to climb up out of one’s emotions. And so ready, here goes.
‘Where shall I ever look
To find thee now
As you were
When we were both only young years old
Suffering in your sorrow
When last as I left
You were
Turned on your side
With your body that had become
Such a familiar friend to me
Your brown pretty brown hair
Your back shaking in the shadows
Hands pressed at your tears
As you wept and I listened
So wishing with all my heart
That all was not finished between us
Even though it was.’
‘Hey that’s not bad. Jesus sorrow Binky is good for you. But now I got to really phone New York.’
‘Schultz there’s just this little tiny bit more.’
‘O christ are you trying to kill me. OK go ahead. Read.’
‘At least you still said you loved Me as much as life itself And would love me Till the day you died You reached out to touch me As if just to touch me And I took you once more close And for the hours you slept Quietly hugged in my arms As I did so want you to be For all our lives always there And you will always be And that’s where I shall always look to find you.’
‘Holy shit you fucking bastard you’ve got me fucking crying. And you bloody hell never wrote that.’
‘And why do you say that Schultz.’
‘Because it’s fucking beautiful that’s why. And because how the fuck could anyone ever get to feel that about a wife.’
‘Ah you are indeed an old clever codger Schultz. Your show biz savvy not having deserted you. You’re quite right. I thought them so appropriate I stole such lines from a book. But I did, didn’t I, for just the merest of moments, fool you and make those words sound as if they were mine. And then there are just these few more lines. Which better perhaps sum up matters at hand so nicely. But of course I believe these words are your very own written by you. And I mouth them merely as a reminder. If you don’t mind listening just one more moment.’
‘Holy fuck you know, you really are something for the books Binky. I never wrote nothing. But I’m listening, and so is my Rabbi let me tell you.’
‘When
You find
A friend
Who is good and true
Fuck him
Before he fucks you.’
‘Hey shit that was my motto used in the Coast Guard. Jesus Binky let me use this phone a second. Hello, hello. This you Daniel.’
‘It is sir.’
‘Look get out of the car. Go to the entrance, fuck up the elevator so it can’t be used and stand by the staircase and block it to anyone looking like or admitting to being a bailiff.’
‘Aye aye captain. Sure no problem. All identities will be checked, going and coming. And the pertinent parties told there’s a recent murder upstairs and the body is on the way down. And the shooting isn’t over yet as me combat medals will attest.’
‘Jesus Daniel, you got it.’
Schultz hanging up the phone. Binky in his grey tweed herring bone suit and green tie. As he pulls on a black kid skin glove, brushing away a bit of fluff adhering to his pearl buttoned chamois leather waistcoat. A smile on his face.
‘Ah Schultz ah. Dear me. I am quite speechless. Having heard your little speech. And you know I was just about to say you couldn’t have appeared at a better time. Of course the bailiff will impound various of our little office equipment play things, and our brand new computer which jumps up and slaps you gently on the face to remind that you have just given it the wrong instructions. But imagine having to admit that I am actually glad that you are here. And dear me also having it appears, your own soldier at your side.’
‘Binky I got action stations round the clock. Arson in my house. Writs on my doorstep. A wife gone bananas with hatred for me. Danger and betrayal on every fucking side. But boy your worries in the last ten minutes have driven all my worries out of my mind. The clock says five to two. Joe Jewels’s office is open in a few minutes in New York. And I want to give that fucker a piece of my mind. But jesus you can’t do this just to save the memory of your mother.’
‘Schultz I’ve already done it. And come my dear c
hap, now that we’ve got your faithful guard on the building let me tempt you to just another spot more of port.’
‘Jesus fuck, pour it. Pour it. That’s it. To the top.’
‘Ah this is nice isn’t it. Little glow of the fire on the sides of the glass, always makes port taste better. And perhaps allows for a moment for me to be quite open and frank with you my dear old Schultz as I know I can be now that we’re both going our separate ways and are both quietly sitting down. O dear one does wish one were made of sterner stuff. And could keep the emotions in better check. Schultz I know you do know what it means to be in love. And the condition of emotional exclusivity it seems to impose. Of course one soon finds it translated into the logistics of bathrooms, sitting rooms, cutlery, dishes, grocery bills and the like.’
‘Jesus Binky, I didn’t say I was going to guard this building all day.’ ‘Of course not. But you see I do have a last remaining matter. The saddest thing of all is that the wonderful lady in the photograph you’ve seen, and my isn’t she nice.’
‘She’s nice Binky.’
‘Well I have had the temerity to keep her as company. Not as a little bit of exotic fluff upon the side, but for companionship and walks. Which we have often taken together in the not altogether unacceptable area of Westminster. Vincent Square as a matter of fact, overlooking a rather nice cricket playground. Indeed one might think one was upon a pretty village green deep in the Buckinghamshire countryside. And there in a tiny rose bowered house, the little lady has her little flat.’ ‘I’m the last guy in the world Binky that you have to waste time adding adjectives to tell this story, so you don’t have to elaborate. The picture is clear. You have or had a nice quiet piece of amenable ass going.’
‘Nae Schultz. Nae. I have in fact rather more. Much more and someone of whom one has become deeply enamoured. Spending as I have many a leisure moment with her as she quietly embroidered her cushions or fussed in her little kitchen cooking up a splendid pasta dinner.’
‘Jesus pasta. Don’t mention pasta to me.’
‘Well of course we did too occasionally take supper of casserole of lamb with parsley dumplings at one of your more staid and traditional hotel restaurants. Ah but more frequently we were seated at her cosy gas fire in her little quarters. Lights of other windows aglow across the square. It was admittedly without a dining room a bit of a squeeze with plates occasionally tipping over on our laps but we managed. One gets a little olive oil soaking into one’s crotch. But following such little mishaps we were wont to go hand in hand, albeit sideways, into her small bedroom. Where there was just enough room to pleasantly exercise, if not flagrantly flaunt, one’s perversions such as they are, without ridicule.’
‘The clock’s just ringing bells there and in New York Joe Jewels and Al Duke are just putting on their toupees to go to the office. And boy I’m sitting here wondering what the fuck you’re leading up to next.’ ‘Ah these, Schultz these.’
Binky standing and putting aside his port on top of the stack of casting volumes of Spotlights, taking from both his bulging jacket side pockets necklaces, bracelets and rings. Placing each handful on top of the other in a pile on the desk in front of Schultz.
‘Holy fucking christ Binky, jewels. What the fuck is this.’
‘A few baubles. Indeed aside from the train ticket and bits of fruit the only valuables that I believe I have left. You know how people are when just before they die they get a wee bit sentimental. My mother had stuffed these where she knew I would find them between my undervests with a cryptic note. You will need these my dear. Signed Mummy.’
‘Hey christ. Rock crystal, onyx and diamonds. This necklace and the earrings are Art Deco.’
‘You don’t say Schultz.’
‘I fucking do say. And this is a fucking mid nineteenth century ruby and diamond necklace that would give my Uncle Werb kittens. Even the fucking quality of the mountings are incredible and beautiful. And this is an antique diamond bumble bee brooch. And this for fuck’s sake is a nineteen thirties ruby and diamond dress clip. In an underwear drawer she left them, I don’t believe this.’
‘My my. Schultz I’m simply dumbfounded by your acute knowledge of jewellery you seem to be suddenly displaying. But they will look so nice on my little lady who is as it happens so fond of blue satin.’
‘And look at this. Fucking black cultured pearl necklace. And another mid nineteenth century turquoise and diamond necklace.’
‘Ah yes put those both aside. They are for Rebecca. And I think will suit her nicely.’
‘Suit her nicely. What are you kidding. Hey jesus these ain’t baubles Binky you can’t give these to anybody.’
‘Dear me why not.’
‘Because these are valuable. In the trade they would be referred to as important jewellery. There’s a fucking god damn fortune here, that’s why not.’
‘Do tell. Or rather how can you be so certain.’
‘You mean you don’t know that. What’s here.’
‘Well I do know some were my grandmother’s. Some are presents to my mother from admirers.’
‘Hey jesus I should be screwing you not helping you. Well let me tell you, I nearly fucking well was in the jewellery trade. With my Uncle Werb. And I regret plenty sometimes I didn’t stay. These aren’t paste. They’re real.’
‘But of course they are.’
‘And for Christ’s sake, fantastically valuable.’
‘But surely not extravagantly valuable.’
‘Why, you just think by the dingy condition and just in a pile here they’re not. I just hope you know what the fuck you’re doing.’
‘Well in any event Schultz I am pleased to hear your appraisal. But I would be grateful if you would please give those two baubles to Rebecca, and the remainder to deliver to my little lady. It may require your calling more than once. The dear girl is only really there when I’m there. But as the rent has not been paid and she will be chucked out, she I think will be there about the six thirty mark salvaging her few little bits and pieces. She will I’m sure be so glad to see you. She is on the first floor, of number three thousand three nine nine.’
‘Jesus I don’t understand. You fucking well tried to kill me in deal after deal. Now you’re entrusting jewels that I could fucking well walk off with instead of giving them to some doll who can watch cricket balls go flying past her window. Why don’t you give them to her yourself and be safe.’
‘Because looking at my watch now dear Schultz and before I may be possibly arrested I have only twenty five minutes left to catch a special boat train to Newhaven for which I have the last remaining booked seat I believe.’
‘Hold it. Hold it. Can I just say one thing before you do this disaster. This. This. I’m holding in my hand up to fucking light of the window. With it alone you could buy the fucking train. I’m sure. In fact I’m positive. This is D colour. With a D.I.F. clarity.’
‘I haven’t a clue Schultz as to what you’re talking about.’
‘I’m talking about a potentially flawless fucking diamond which could be worth approaching a quarter of a million quid. Look at it. A marquise cut diamond. It could nearly be fifteen carats. People kiss. Sorry another slip of the tongue. People kill for such things as this.’
‘Or fuck Schultz.’
‘Yeah but some expensive fucking fucking let me tell you.’
‘Ah what a nice little morally impartial discussion we are having aren’t we. Pity Schultz you can’t join me on my little trip. Crossing the Channel to Dieppe is the longer journey and gives one a leisurely chance to enjoy the bracing sea air up and down the deck while beating one’s fists upon one’s chest. You know people do make light of it. But sea air does the general physiology considerable good. And I shall be with my considerable appetite late this evening in Paris.’ ‘And you mean to say Binky you’d actually trust me with this stuff.’
‘Ah I must deliberate a second or two on that interesting postulation. O dear the lady in the window across the street has n
ow fully divested herself of clothing. O my goodness. She’s actually beckoning to us Schultz. To come over. Do you think she’s just seen the diamond you held up.’
‘Holy shit, she really is asking us over.’
‘Dear me and I have a train to catch. Ah but coming back to you Schultz. No. As a matter of established fact, I wouldn’t have trusted you. But then as I found myself joined as a defendant in an action for damages for your having busted Valentine one in the kisser, and amid all my other troubles, I enquired as to why this was so. Then I heard this little tale of the little boy at the theatre. And.’
‘Yeah. And.’
‘And I trust you Schultz. Sad I suppose. That so much time has gone by not trusting you. But there it is. I now must admit there is something sterling in you. Of course you may indeed rat on me yet you know. But only if ratting were your only way out of a life and death situation. O well. And that doesn’t seem to surprise you one little bit that I should feel that way does it Schultz. O dear me perhaps it does, you’ve gone ashen faced Schultz.’
‘You’re fucking right I have. If I’m trusted you fucker. I’m trusted. And I’m trusted even when death is there facing to step into.’
‘And O dear in a similar coup de grace situation I suppose I might not trust myself. Ah but if I have any little qualm left it is not the jewellery Schultz I refer to. It is the lady. It is she I would not trust you with. Of course we have dear old Al’s Louella as a perfect example. N’est-ce pas. Your unhesitating penchant for snatching another’s lady when her usual gentleman appears to have departed.’
‘Jesus Binky. Stop. I’m an hour out of my sick bed. What are you emotionally trying to do. Wrench the last fucking vestige of peace of mind out of me. Plus have you got something safe to put this jewellery in.’