‘Sorry sir I didn’t mean to startle you. But there was another call, I meant to mention from a lady called Catherine who wants you to call her back, she’s at the Savoy. I trust Daniel drove safely sir.’
‘Yeah, as a matter of fact. He was excellent in every department.’
‘And sir what would you desire for pudding this evening. With the other cheeses I have some very nice farmhouse cheddar and blue Stilton.’
‘Gee. Pudding. Christ.’
‘There’s poached peaches in rum, French glace fruit, mint biscuits, strawberry tarts or fruit salad.’
‘Let’s go for the poached peaches, Jorricks. And maybe a few mint biscuits.’
‘Very good sir. I found the most delicious and wonderful apricot chutney at Harrods today. And got some Wiltshire cured bacon for breakfast tomorrow and some wood smoked pork pie for lunch. Is there anything wrong sir.’
‘No. I’m just blessing myselflike the Catholics do in church, Jorricks. I think I’m at a sudden crossroads in my life.’
‘Of course sir. I quite understand.’
Schultz pushing open the door entering the drawing room. A fire blazing. A champagne bucket and bottle of champagne. Erica seated back in a chair. A green skiing suit, running shoes on her feet. Her long legs stretched out resting up on a footstool. A magazine open across her lap. A stack of books at her elbow, a tulip champagne glass in her hand. ‘Hey, what the fuck is this.’
‘Dobry vecher. Mozhno. O I am sorry. Maybe you don’t speak Russian. They say you were gone to Moscow.’
‘I’m back from Moscow, spasibo.’
‘Ah you have Russian. Please. Do sit down.’
‘Hey thanks in English honey, a whole bunch.’
‘No problem. I pour you a drink. Hey I ring here. The button I push. Yes. For your Jorricks to bring another glass and another bottle of champagne.’
‘You just do that. Make yourself at home.’
‘O it is so nice. What a very beautiful house. It is not what I would expect you have. I like it more than that far too big house of Lord Nectarine. Cold and draughty. How come you so rich too. Big car. Servants.’
‘Honey please don’t let appearances fool you. But it’s nice to know his Lordship’s house is too big for you, considering all the space you seem to need.’
‘Hey big boy, are you a recluse.’
‘I’m probably as much of a recluse as you are a socialist honey. And you don’t mind during this discussion in my house if I just sit down a second, do you.’
‘O no. But I am a socialist. Sit down.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Hey you’re not all big talk, you’re a big deal. Your name everywhere. On the posters. In the newspapers.’
Erica draining her glass of champagne. Smiling and leaning back in her chair and recrossing her long legs. Her fingers flicking her long hair. A clipboard and pencils at her elbow on the side table. A knock at the door as it opens. Jorricks peeking in.
‘You rang sir.’
‘I didn’t ring but it makes no difference. Looks like another glass and bottle of champagne are required Jorricks.’
‘Very good sir.’
Schultz staring across the carpet at this apparition rotating a huge foot on the end of an ankle. The zipper of her jacket open. And the swellings of her tits. But christ not only has she got my god damn clipboard, but is using my telephone, pencils and erasers. Holy shit shoving midgets or normal sized people out of a house you can do on the end of your foot. This doll, Rabbi is going to take a bulldozer. Sigmund, don’t be optimistic too soon. Maybe to get her out of the house and back up the Nile, excuse me, I mean the Amazon, could take an earthquake act of God.
‘Hey big boy. I come for the forty five thousand dollars you promise. The ship I go on is ready to sail. I call your office they all the time tell me you are not there. I read this Korzybski you got in your library. What about cooperation. Ah but I apologize to come in here like this. But Lord Nectarine say he does not want visitors because his mother just die and he had to have a funeral. He said you are in this nice house lonely all by yourself. He said you were needing friends.’
‘Well honey. Some facts I can give you. I ain’t got no forty five thousand dollars at this exact minute to go up a river. And I may be lonely, needing friends, but let me tell you, this is where you can’t stay.’
‘I stay.’
‘You don’t, honey. Sorry.’
‘Hey you think you throw me out. But maybe we wait, huh. After we fuck. Come on. You whip me. I give you a good fuck.’
‘I don’t want to whip, fight or fuck honey. I’ve been practically in bed since the last time I whipped and fucked you.’
‘Hey you already rape me too. When you whip me. And now I have nowhere else to go with so much expedition equipment. You scared because I maybe am pregnant. Relax big boy. I am not pregnant. Ah now you feel better. Without any fear. See I make men happy.’
‘Honey truth be known you scare me shitless. And in two seconds I’m going to have no appetite for dinner. And jesus now what’s that. Fucking barking.’
A knock. A flushed faced Jorricks, in his rolled up shirt sleeves and an apron, peeking in the door.
‘Excuse me sir, but there is a van at the door. And a gentleman with a dog. Who it appears is requesting payment of fifteen pounds.’
‘Ah it is my dog. My snookie. My snookie nookie. Out of the quarantine. O my dog.’
‘Your dog.’
‘Yes. I visit him all this time and now he is at last free. He is called Azorr.’
‘Hey jesus honey you’re not going to bring a dog into my house.’ ‘You will love him. He is wonderful. He go up the Amazon with us.’ ‘Honey you go up the Amazon, right now will you. My chauffeur will take you, the fucking equipment, the dog, right now to the boat for fucking loading. And fucking well leave me here to have the dinner I’ve been all day dreaming of having.’
‘Azorr, he no mess. He obedient. He behave. He obey. You cannot turn my dog away. He would be offended. Crushed. He love me.’ ‘Honey, I don’t give a fuck who he loves, you just can’t do this to me.’
‘I am an artist. I need freedom.’
‘Well I’m a fucking dog hater. And I need peace and quiet at this fucking point of time in my life.’
Jorricks jumping away from the door. Azorr bounding into the room. Schultz jumping up from his chair. Grabbing on to the mantelpiece. Erica falling to her knees throwing her arms around the neck of the monster. Rubbing its head and running her hands through its dirty blond hairs and kissing the canine between its wide set eyes. Azorr wagging its tail. And sticking its nose nuzzling in under Erica’s hair.
‘Jesus christ. The fucking thing’s huge.’
‘O he is so very very gentle with those he loves.’
Erica standing and bending her head under the chandelier as she pets and cavorts with Azorr leaping around the room. Azorr suddenly stopping and looking at Schultz who steps back over the fireguard in front of the fire. Azorr advancing and sniffing at Schultz’s crotch, and baring its teeth and growling.
‘Get this big vicious fucking thing away from me. I can smell my pants, they’re burning getting scorched by the fire.’
‘Stop Azorr. Stop. Back. Back. Lie down. Good dog. You see why I call him Azorr. In Hungarian it means nose. He like to sniff and smell with the nose.’
‘Not my private fucking parts just back to health he ain’t honey.’
Schultz sidling away from the fire. Standing by his chair. O my god, Rabbi. This is it. Convene all rabbis. Tell me what to do. I got a whole fucking string of ethical and could be even suicidal questions. Which I am too emotionally weak to even figure out suddenly tonight after what I’ve been already through today. Here I am. I lose by a final betrayal the woman I love. And now I get left three possible pieces of ass. Not enough for every direction of a crossroads. But two of which came marching right up on my stoop. And the third. O my god. She could be with her nurses and is not that far to g
et to. Straight down Constitution Hill, and along the Mall and into the Strand. I could even stop off to check the box office. If I wasn’t here as I am under canine siege fucking cornered now and shit scared in my own house.
Sigmund
Don’t give complain
Get the whip
Give
Discipline
26
Dinner served by Daniel in his white coat. Jorricks pouring the wine. Daniel bringing in plates could be heard outside the dining room door attempting to control and stifle his laughter. Azorr as he sat in the corner of the dining room, catching duck bones on the fly in his mouth. Crushing and crunching them in his lightning snapping jaws. Erica choosing from her plate and throwing the best savoury bits while she polished off two bowls of consomme, three helpings of salmon mousse, two platefuls of wild rice and both legs of the duck a l’orange. And hard to know who had the bigger appetite, Erica or the dog.
‘Madam do try our local water biscuits and our Normandy butter.’
‘Ah Jorricks, it is all very good.’
The sound of the splintered duck’s bones going down Azorr’s throat in big gulps. Daniel reeling out of the room convulsed. Spilling the remainder of the salmon mousse off the plate and then stepping in it. But nothing stopping Erica. Boy Rabbi did she hit those poached peaches and then slam into the blue Stilton. Then wolfed down the glace fruit and mint biscuits. Plus the champagne on the table, she gurgled back three quarters of the two bottles of Bonnes Mares. If only my emotional nerves weren’t so shot by what was already the day’s events and by what was now going on, it would have been the best most enjoyable fucking meal and burgundy I have ever had in my entire life.
‘Shall I serve the Chateau d’Yquem with the poached peaches sir.’
‘You do that Jorricks.’
Erica smiling down the other end of the table. On her second bowlful of peaches. The candlelight flickering across the pink rose petals floating in the finger bowls. The back garden out beyond the darkness of the window panes. Erica pushing back her chair. Getting up. And coming to put her long arm around Schultz’s shoulder and to plant a kiss on his brow. Her chiffon evening gown falling forward from her two delicious pear shaped breasts. A musky perfume from her hair. And boy she has charm when she wants to. But jesus I am so starved for affection Rabbi I was grateful. Just fucking plain grateful to feel her lips nibbling on my ear and one of those great long arms wrapped round my back and her hand going through my hair. And here I am. Discarding my dictum I just made two seconds ago of keeping away from any woman. Because. No matter what. She’s going to make you pay, pay, pay. And in innumerable fucking ways. And in other ways not yet invented.
‘Ah now I must go kiss Azorr. He sit all alone so patient in the corner. And he be jealous. After he see me go kiss Mr Schultz. But Azorr I love you but I love too Mr Schultz’s black so black rich hair. The big curls. So soft.’
‘Hey honey I hope it’s a little bit more than just my hair you like better than the dog’s hair.’
‘But of course. A little better. Ah but Azorr and I are so happy together again. Like tonight it is a celebration. Come. We go. Upstairs. Yes.’
‘Hey honey who you asking. Me or the dog.’
‘But I ask you both of course.’
‘Thanks a bunch.’
Schultz puffing his cigar following Erica and a tail wagging Azorr out of the room. Daniel in his white coat just on the kitchen stairs beyond the swing door, having another attack of laughter. Holy jeez Rabbi I’ve never felt so safe and unsafe in my whole life. But what the fuck must my staff talk about down there with what’s now going on up here. And who gives a fuck. My head is swimming in semi bliss. After, no kidding, the most delicious meal in my life. God the size of her, when she’s a step ahead up the stairs. Somewhere I remember out of a previous scientific conversation we were having that she said she weighed one hundred and sixty eight pounds. And I weigh one hundred and sixty six. Jesus here I am. And the dog I’m sure is not far behind. Or shit did he run ahead. Desperate like me. On the verge of sexual suicide again. Wanting to grab her sashaying ass in its mouth watering delectability up the stairs. O god Rabbi. Self control. Here I am slavering at the chops like the dog. When I should hit the sack with my head deep in the pillow, to wake fresh for the raging battle of deals ahead. But I just don’t have the energy and fight left to deprive myself of what appears to be women on all sides offering ass and blow jobs. Jesus it’s pathetic. All any woman has to do, is to be kind and loving for two seconds. The way she just suddenly got up, came right down the table and put her arms around me. And after that big black cloud of a wife hanging over my life, I’m just putty in their hands. She’s pulling me now by the arm upstairs even before I can finish my cigar. And jesus she’s got the whole pink bedroom suite all set up for herself. And for this god damn huge mutt. Foaming just like I am at the mouth. Fuck it. After such a good dinner, who am I to object this late at night to what suspiciously looks like bestiality. Could be the distraction I need with juggling Joe Jewels’s last numbers around in my mind. Especially with that son of a bitch’s deeply entrenched habit of always offering to buy at ten percent of what should be the real purchase price. So that he keeps not only the remaining ninety percent but the original seventy seven thou he owes me. The way I figure it there could be exactly four and a half million at stake. Jesus. Could it be. Dare I feel in my bones a special situation is brewing. Requiring the masterstroke of all time. Behave like my cousin Saul, and never give in to pressure and hang on to every shekel. Keep my portable radio telephone right in my pocket. Hold tight to the gunwales, don’t rock the boat. Rabbi, from being storm tossed on the sea, I could sail back into the safe harbour of contented solvency. Well Sigmund at least your quarter of a million borrowed from the bank at two and a half percent interest above the prime rate, could be covered. And also Rabbi, I’d be feeling less vulnerable standing in front of this big mutt. And she’s not kidding. She’s planning to stay. Three of her trunks up here already in the bedroom. And wow. What do we have here. Not only the pith helmets. But a black leather cat o’ nine tails.
‘Hey you’re not letting the dog stay in here honey.’
‘He stay. He be good.’
‘He no stay honey.’
‘Why. What is wrong. He stay always with me.’
‘Honey, how the fuck do I know he’s going to be good. Look at the way he keeps looking at me. He could be bad. In addition he has me nervously embarrassed. Why don’t you just keep him somewhere in a kennel ready for the expedition when he can then go chew up the anacondas.’
‘Ha. Ha. He is trained to kill snakes. But the anaconda could kill us all.’
‘Yeah I guess it could honey. Well let’s thank god a bunch we’re right now in Belgravia.’
Schultz taking a puff of his cigar. Erica lighting a candle on the dressing table and switching off the lamp. The faint gong of Big Ben. And there she is. In the grey chiffon. Christ she looks good. For style her gown’s not half bad. Maybe her belly’s out a little after the good dinner. Nice orange sash round her waist. That she’s undoing. And undressing and smiling so nice at me. O boy, talk about bedroom eyes. She’s got them. Right up there in the sky. If only that fucking dog would close his. Jesus how many real brain cells are in a dog’s brain. Because this fucker looks like he’s got this whole deal figured out. He’s even licking his chops watching her like a hawk as she takes off her string of imitation pearls. That would give Uncle Werb a fit. Who hated anything imitation. But who gives a fuck so long as the pair of tits they are hanging down between are real. Uncle Werb had his own words of wisdom, never he said let enemies sit down with you, eating and drinking what you’re paying for. Holy jeez as we take our clothes off, this fucking mutt who has already gobbled down half a duck, and is now curled up on the bed putting his head resting on his paws, is like he’s in a ringside seat and staring out at me with a pair of fucking suspicious eyes. In my own private house. Where I’m privately trying to
live and he’s publicly like a lion making himself at home, lying on the private property of my bed. This monster mutt. Holy shit, a pair of skis against the cupboard. Snow shoes too. And there surrounded by a pile of pith helmets and mosquito netting, is a stack of thick big sweaters, and snow goggles. What is this. Where’s she going. To the Equator or the North Pole.
‘Honey come on. Tell the fucking dog to go outside in the hall at least.’
‘He watch. He like watching.’
‘I don’t want that fucking mutt staring at me like that as I stand here like this stark naked.’
‘He friendly wag his tail while he watch. You see.’
‘Look. My tail I want to wag. I don’t want to fucking well watch him friendly wag his tail honey.’
‘Look, he see your nice big prick. He smile.’
‘He was already growling at me and snarling at me downstairs for Christ’s sakes. Look right now. I step towards you. He’s growling.’ ‘Stop Azorr. Stop. Be quiet. Ah now big boy. Come look at me. You forget Azorr. See I give you a modern dance display. Look.’
‘Jesus honey. You are unbelievable. Everything’s in proportion. You have the most gorgeous pair of tits on that amazing body.’
‘Ah now. You watch. See. Azorr. He like my tits too. You see. Watch, he kiss and lick them. Ah, it is good. It is good. See he kiss the nipple.’
‘Christ almighty. Hey who is it honey. Me or him. Who is good. Take a fucking choice will you. That’s unsanitary.’
‘Azorr, he is not unsanitary. He like. I like. His big cold nose. So delicious. He have such nice moist cold nose. He is gentle. He obeys. He like my earlobes too.’
‘Hey what the fuck am I supposed to be doing honey standing here. With my earlobes.’
‘Ah you watch. You see. He like you. Watch now how big his big prick is. Lift leg Azorr. Lift leg.’
‘Honey, I got the emergency life saving of my life to attend to. I’m getting the fuck out of here. You go sleep with your dog. This is too much after a long day and a big dinner. Plus I’m only just regaining my fucking health.’