‘No, no, no. Don’t go. Please. You should not be jealous. I am only being friendly. He has all this long time in the quarantine been alone without me. Now. You see his prick.’
‘I don’t want to see his prick.’
‘See. You see.’
‘Holy shit honey, boy I see what you mean. But I still want to take mine small as it is the hell out of here.’
‘Wait. Here now. Your turn. Some nice red cords I have. You tie me to bed. You take the cat o’ nine tails.’
‘Tie you. Like hell I will. Not while that monster’s loose, let’s tie him up first.’
‘See, big boy. Special nice silk cords I have.’
‘Well you see big girl. I just reach to touch you on the tit and you look and listen. How the fucking mutt’s growling and showing those fucking killer teeth at me.’
Rabbi I thought holy shit, since this is already like a fucking jungle. Instead of my crown of thorns I took one of the pith helmets and put it on. We both laughed. And she put a pith helmet on Azorr. And I swear, as you are my judge Rabbi, the fucking dog laughed. Something I thought I’d never see. He went ha ha ha. I swear it. Which shit, throwing all my principles to the wind I thought was an open invitation to us all to have a good time. And she was ready for anything. Sigmund, Sigmund listen, if you have any intention of getting these individuals out of your house, you should not be doing what you’re doing. Touche Rabbi, touche. But I can’t stop. I tied her face down to the bed, her arms and legs hanging over the edges. Using my best naval knots tightening the cords to the bed legs. Was it a bowline, Sigmund. Yeah Rabbi, the mutt was intrigued and looked now like he was smiling. It was amazing. The fucking event was getting exciting. And there’s no doubt anymore. How I deeply enjoy laying welts across a nice smooth delicately female curved soft ass. But on the first swat, the mutt reared half up off the bed and growled and bared his teeth. So O K Azorr that was too hard. Next swat I make softer. And I swear Rabbi the next lash I made softer and the mutt shook his head up and down in approval. But Erica is saying harder. So I increase. Each time a little harder. With the mutt Azorr getting up higher and higher on his hind legs on the bed. Shit it was I swear, touch and go Rabbi. And never was delicacy of touch so crucial. Satisfying two individuals at once. But everything still proceeding fine. In fact it was going wonderful. Her ass glowing crimson with criss crossed welts in every direction like a dozen crossroads any one of which I could take a departure on towards a golden sunset. Boy like you said, don’t give complaint, give discipline. Then just as a little tennis elbow was setting in, she in that wonderful mewing plaintive way of hers asked to be untied.
‘Big boy, now we fuck. But first I suck.’
Rabbi god what a preliminary blow job she started giving. While all the time I was pleasantly nervous keeping my eyes glued on the fucking mutt. But he was just simmering there grunting and keeping his jealousy in check. Boy he may have been a dog. But this was purely a human situation for both of us.
‘Fuck me from behind big boy. I go on my hands and knees.’ Rabbi I know I am sometimes a foolhardy risk taker. Fucking hell. But everything was going swell. There it was. All bent over at a high altitude, waiting. The inevitable heading for the irresistible. She just about left room at the bottom of the bed for me to kneel. I paused looking. Hesitating. The mutt growling deeper and deeper. But what a glowingly pink ass. With the welts looking like crimson ski tracks. Like a sinking sun was shining on one of those pristine snow shiny peaks in the Himalayas that the mountain climbers climb because it was there and you see in full colour in magazines. Which talking about heights I had to instead of kneeling, stand.
‘Come on big boy. Let’s go. Give it to me dog style.’
Rabbi. It was halfway in into her silken gorgeous chamber when the fucking mutt jumped off the bed straight at my throat. I grabbed up a pillow in front of me and could hear the jaws crunch as the teeth met through the feathers of swans’ down. And locked together, Erica and I fell forward. My prick plunging all the way in. History nearly repeating itself. Right in the same room where I was once attacked by my behemoth bald mother in law. But instead of screaming for help at the top of my lungs I was screaming in the greatest of all great orgasms of my life.
Sigmund listen
I don’t know
About modern satisfaction
But they heard you
Even here
In
Prague
27
Rabbi even you must have seen those teeth flashing when Azorr ripped the whole centre out of the pillow which saved my life and gave him a choking mouthful of swans’ down and gave me a chance to throw the eiderdown over his head and tie one of the red silk cords around it. While Erica was lying somnolent on the bed, not moving a single one of her mile long muscles. Leaving me in the most embarrassing situation. As Jorricks and Daniel in raincoats and slippers got as far as outside the door. Me inside shouting come in. And then shouting don’t come in. And then my fucking portable radio telephone goes off near him on the floor which sends Azorr again lunging back and forth and twisting in a circle not knowing what to bite next. So I didn’t lose an arm or my testicles, I let it ring. Leaving Erica and I covered in more feathers. But even lying there exhausted in mind and spirit I had such a glow in the gonads I couldn’t care about anything.
‘Hey honey that was an event and a half.’
‘Yeah big boy.’
‘Did you take any precautions.’
‘What.’
‘You know, honey. Pregnancy.’
‘No.’
‘What. Holy jesus. You can’t just not take precautions you got to do something.’
‘It is too late. It is the middle of the month. I feel it go up me.’
‘Hey you deliberately did this. Didn’t you.’
‘Why should it be your business if I have a baby.’
‘Vacate honey, this is blackmail. Jesus go up the fucking Nile.’
‘The Amazon.’
‘I don’t care if it’s the fucking Mississippi. See my lawyer. He’ll draw up the production investment. Only don’t you or your mutt ever cross my doorstep again.’
‘Ah you would like me to name the baby Sigmund if it’s a boy. Or Sylvia if it’s a girl.’
‘Don’t you think you’re going to get some paternity suit going against me honey. You sign a fucking release paper before you get one penny of investment. Jesus honey. Don’t start crying. Why the fuck did you do this.’
‘Why did you do it. You did it.’
‘Because I’m fucking crazy honey out of my mind. That’s why. But I’m not crazy fucking well out of my mind to let an innocent child come into this world of death disease and disaster who could have for a father someone running hysterically away from the responsibilities of his paternity. Holy shit. Don’t let this happen. I’m getting the fuck out of here and you be out of here in the morning. Call the dog away from the door.’
‘No.’
‘O jesus there goes the fucking phone now again.’
‘Hello. Who’s this.’
‘Hi ya kid, me.’
‘Jesus Joe. It’s two in the morning. How many times do I have to tell you of the time gap.’
‘Yeah kid, I know about the time gap. So how you doing.’
‘I’m doing, shit I don’t know.’
‘Well our little philosophical discussion you remember.’
‘Yeah. Jesus Joe can’t you leave this situation just another ten hours or so.’
‘Kid believe me, it’s now or never. My wife who’s divorced me has got hungry lawyers howling for my blood, trying to have me arrested to put me into alimony jail. After which a deal like this is dead. You should be thankful you don’t have to deal with that kind of inhuman greed.’
‘Wait Joe I got feathers in my mouth.’
‘Feathers.’
‘Yeah feathers.’
‘Well I got something serious to put in your ear, so listen good. This conversation is now switche
d to a conference, Al’s on the other line and we got a final proposition.’
‘Look before you say another word Joe, I know that my answer is going to be no. And hello Al.’
‘Now wait a minute kid, Hollywood is mildly interested.’
‘So you wait till now to tell me, Joe, of the mild interest.’
‘I’ve been making a full disclosure of the situation all along the line. All I ever said was you and your megalomaniac vanity approvals were an unacceptable contractual obstacle. We want to come to you now for the final and last time to make progress.’
‘I know what’s got to be happening Joe.’
‘What’s got to be happening.’
‘Hollywood’s interested because there must be a line around the block buying tickets. Or else you wouldn’t be on this fucking phone running up a long distance bill.’
‘Hey come on kid. Maybe there are a few desperate people out waiting who want to see the show like my mother did before it closes. But there isn’t a scalper around for miles. Just a few inquisitive people who think because your show’s been running to packed houses they now wonder why the Broadway edition is shutting down.’
‘Joe there’s something in the sound of your voice.’
‘Hey look I’m putting on Al to talk to you. Al.’
‘Listen Sigmund, this is Al. I’ve been listening. For the sake of avoiding financial ruin we got to take you, the fly, out of the ointment, so that future ongoing deals don’t get stalled on your demands.’
‘I’m no fucking fly in any ointment Al.’
‘Well let’s say, if we were using a classical simile, this is like Hercules and Diomedes. One of us has got the other by the balls. Hey Sigmund what’s that noise, barking.’
‘It’s a dog Al.’
‘A dog.’
‘Yeah a dog.’
‘I thought you hated dogs.’
‘Al I hate dogs. That’s right.’
‘So now you have a dog. Just like you.’
‘Al I’m glad for your gaskets working again but you’re a fucking spy now in my life.’
‘And you’re paranoid sick in the head. Two million dollars.’
‘What. Say that again. I didn’t hear you.’
‘Two million dollars, you heard me the first time. Two followed by six zeros. Two zero, zero, zero. Zero. Zero. Zero.’
‘OK enough Al. Six zeros. Like eight hours ago, it was a five and five zeros.’
‘Look, in the room here with us are four legal representatives all amazed listening in to this conversation on the conference loud speaker. But they are ready to draw the contract terms. Which let me tell you loud and clear is an outright buy, a straight clean purchase of all your cinematographic and allied movie rights. That’s why I ask about the barking in the background. This is an important discussion. And just by the way, in case you ain’t heard or read the big story in Variety, Joe has set up the Freddie Joy Scholarship for deserving young actresses.’ ‘Al wait, jesus another feather is in my mouth.’
‘I’m waiting.’
‘OK it’s gone. Wait now the dog’s barking. Shut up you fucking mutt.’
‘Hey change phones Sigmund we’ll call you back.’
‘I can’t the dog is at the door blocking it. It already took a miracle to tie him up under an eiderdown from trying to tear my throat out.’
‘Sigmund what the fuck are you in a zoo there.’
‘That’s nearly right Ah’
‘OK now look. No one could have predicted this situation. We would love to dream about what could have happened here overnight in New York. With the lines around the block.’
‘So now you at last admit Al. Lines around the block.’
‘And OK we are richly pleased that a few discerning people are waiting.’
‘Yeah, well something’s fishy Al. Let me remind I was being offered seventy five thousand dollars for my movie rights, minus the seventy seven thousand Joe owed to pay on the theatrical performing rights. Leaving me, if I took the seventy five, minus exactly two thousand dollars.’
‘Sigmund. Please stop making muddy water that’s already gone under the bridge. This is an entirely new situation. Tell me do you want sincerely for the real first time in your life to zing mit der dick dick. You heard me already say two million dollars. What’s the matter, do you hate money that much. Do you.’
‘Al, holy shit hold it. I just barefoot I think stepped in some dog shit.’
‘Hey what’s going on. I got legal gentlemen here. Feathers. Now dog shit. I’m talking about money, Sigmund.’
‘And so am I Al.’
‘Well then what have you got against being rich. And standing in a shower of shekels for the rest of your life. To keep you clean. Tell me. I want to understand the philosophy. Why should you go on resisting.’ ‘I’m resisting Al because you and Joe in cahoots with your philosophy are offering me two million which means there’s an offer at least more than twice or three times that somewhere.’
‘Sigmund the deal’s dead and worthless unless we buy out completely your unrealistic and unreasonable artistic controls. Don’t you understand. People fear you. Two and a half.’
‘Absolutely not interested. But keep going Al. Keep going. The other factor is. That payment is by confidential cable transfer to a sudden confidential designation.’
‘No problem. Carrier pigeon. Anything you want. And look no one’s going to broadcast this deal. Two and three quarters.’
‘Not interested.’
‘OK Sigmund. The magic of show biz maybe has you hypnotized into thinking the sky’s the limit. But let me tell you there are limits. I am empowered to notch up to three, as a final definite last position.’
‘Goodbye.’
‘You fucking imbecile Sigmund. You fucking imbecile.’
‘Who you calling an imbecile.’
‘You, that’s what you are. OK wait. OK I am empowered to go to three and a half. Or I am instructed now to say goodbye and a definite final phooey on you.’
‘A definite final phooey on you too Al. And I’m glad Al you haven’t lost your ability to con people with your charm. Goodbye. And don’t call me again. I’ll sell these rights. And get you and Joe, the flies out of the ointment.’
‘Boy Sigmund you’re a comedy cliche. We have a motorcycle messenger ready to put papers straight on the plane. Instead of walking away from three million dollars, you should have stayed in lingerie. Maybe that’s where you learned to try to wholesale at retail prices. You’re going to regret this.’
‘Maybe Al. But I don’t think so. And as for lingerie maybe you should try it as a trade. Or even better, maybe as underwear.’
‘OK so you make with insults. But for the sake of all the investors that there is a fiduciary responsibility to and those here patiently listening I’ll ask a reasonable question. OK what is it you want. Tell us. In sincere words from your own lips. We just want to fascinated hear it here for the record.’
‘I want at least three quarters of what I think Hollywood is offering you right now. And I don’t know why they’re offering but I might just wait to find out. You see Al. I don’t hate money. I don’t despise it. I don’t even mildly dislike it. In fact I like it. No I’ll go even further, let me say I am deeply and seriously fond of it. In fact Al. I love money. I worship money. I adore it with my body and soul.’
‘Sigmund such sincerity could win you a Hollywood Oscar. Look I already explained to the gentlemen here what to expect in this conversation. But never mind three five followed by five zeros. There’s this number. Take it down. Nine nine nine four three eight seven.’
‘Now Al, at last for the first time at least we’re talking reality.’
‘That’s right, reality. I just gave you the telephone number of the best psychiatrist in London. You ring it. He’ll help you. We can all hear the barking and growling here over the loud speaker. It’s too bad. We’re all sorry that you are in need of custodial care. Are you listening.’
??
?Yeah Al I’m listening. And for your information there is Al a real live and breathing dog here.’
‘Well we’re glad to hear you’re not alone in life. But we’re not going to let you amputate our balls. Or put our financial necks on the chopping block. Joe went talking to the banks all afternoon. Sure we admit we did everything to produce a nibble out of Hollywood. But the line around the block and people fighting over who’s in front of who is hired from out of work actors and actresses who are giving the performances of their lives. The pictures of the fights over tickets in the newspapers were staged. We admit all that. But while you’re there in London. We were here on twenty telephones all over this city and right to the back and beyond to the boondocks of Connecticut. Full page adverts went in all the papers yesterday. Blazing your phoney London quotes with fictitious critics and other frauds which could send Joe sitting here to Sing Sing prison to serve a stretch for fraudulent misrepresentation.’
‘OK Al. Calm please. Congratulations first on getting a raincheck from the crematorium and second on your baby.’
‘I’ll forget I heard that first remark. But that’s right. The most wonderful, the most beautiful the most gorgeous little creature you ever saw.’
‘I am glad Al. I’m glad. That in such a fucked up world wonders never cease.’
‘Hey Sigmund. Wait a second. We’re sending signals here. Someone’s holding up a hand. With fingers. We want everybody to have a decent situation out of this. Are you listening.’
‘I’m listening Al. So’s my Rabbi.’
‘OK I’m counting again the fingers.’
‘I’m still listening Al. How many fingers are we counting.’
‘Five.’
‘With six zeros Al.’
‘With six zeros, Sigmund.’
‘Al it’s a deal.’
And
You have just lifted
This big fly
Out of the ointment
And maybe sent him
To the Riviera