28
Schultz waking to a knock on his bedroom door. Jorricks with breakfast and the morning papers and weather report. Plus a staff request.
‘Daniel would like a reduction in wages sir.’
‘A reduction, what for.’
‘He says he is enjoying the job too much and he could get into a rut.’
‘Holy shit. Excuse the language Jorricks but he could be soon paying me, and get into an even bigger rut because he’s going to enjoy it even more.’
Action stations. Fly out of the house. Daniel warming up the engine of the limousine. Crossing London. At the office, having taken the whole place over with polo mallets, cricket bats and shotguns, his Lordship, witnessed my next to last act at Sperm Productions. The Joe Jewels papers signed. And far far away in Switzerland, like the greatest angel of mercy of all time, the money fluttering gently down to land in the bank, and the vault clanking closed over my secret numbered account. Rabbi no three days ever happened faster in all my life. Saw the production three times. Each time better. The whole chorus cast were fantastic. I even gave a little drinks and buffet supper party after the show in a suite at Claridges. Where we all sang songs at the D’Oyly Carte piano. And Louella must have sold Binky’s jewels. Because behind Magillacurdy’s car hogging the stage door entrance was parked the carpenter’s car. A red Ferrari just like Madame Soignee’s.
You know Rabbi the only thing that’s better than being big is being smart. Plus being calm cool and collected. Just let me tell you, I only this minute ago got reminded. And everything’s going to be OK. I'm on my way to where I may in five minutes flat do the second biggest transaction of my life. Because you heard them on my front stoop this morning. Priscilla, her mother and two lawyers. The four of them with a process server with about five injunctions. Like I always do when I’m trying to be calm cool and collected, I got hysterical. Opened up the window. They shouted up. And I shouted down.
‘Our lawyers are with us. You’re not going to deprive us of our just rights.’
‘I see your fucking lawyers. I’ll fight you him and him and any other dozen fuckers you want to get together in any and every fucking court in every land anywhere in the world. Now it’s my turn to cause you pair of conniving black cows fucking anguish and horror.’
Rabbi all I know is I need just to live a little while longer. If not cheaper. Keep warm keep cosy and mobile. Go on holding out against the mob. And I knew I had to do what I was doing, hurrying through this glass door into a lobby and then pushing through another. Jeez, two such good looking girls seated behind their desks, making me wonder if they were for sale.
‘Hi.’
‘Hello.’
‘I’m Mr Schultz.’
‘O yes indeed, how nice to meet you Mr Schultz. Your butler rang us this morning. What a most helpful gentleman he is. Do come this way sir.’
Schultz bowing his own headful of black curls to the lady remaining behind the desk with her long blonde tresses curling along her cheek. Over this moss green deep pile carpet. And into an office with a carpet you could drown in.
‘How do you do Mr Schultz so good to meet you. I’m Mr Starboard Jones. Everyone of us here in the office has seen your show. And now what can we do for you.’
‘Can I speak strictly confidentially.’
‘But of course Mr Schultz, all our business is conducted on that understanding.’
‘Well I want one of these.’
‘Purchase or charter, business or pleasure sir.’
‘To buy. For escape. With buoyancy, privacy, secrecy and un-sinkability the first priorities.’
‘Ah no problem. And how many guests do you think you might want to accommodate.’
‘So far just myself, my butler, my bodyguard. But I still want plenty of room and space.’
‘I quite understand sir. Now here’s a nice little item. Accommodation for up to twenty four guests. With crew’s quarters and officers’ quarters.’
‘Holy cow how big is that thing.’
‘Length overall two hundred and sixty five feet. Eight hundred and ninety six gross tons. A yacht offering quite superb comfort and luxury. In fact everything you might expect to find in a transatlantic liner.’
‘Jesus christ pardon my language but that could take eighty to ninety gallons of fuel an hour to run.’
‘Ninety four, cruising at fourteen knots. I see Mr Schultz you’re familiar with nautical matters.’
‘Yeah I am. Maybe too much so. Have you got anything a little smaller.’
‘No problem. Now let me see. Ah here. I think we have rather something you might like.’
‘Hey that’s utterly gorgeous.’
‘And very much a gentleman’s yacht. Indeed Mr Schultz we’ve just recently sea trialled on this vessel. Fully furnished with a fully experienced crew aboard. Length overall two hundred and seven feet, and at the water line one hundred and eighty two feet. Beam thirty three feet. Displacement seven hundred and twelve tons.’
‘That’s still a floating hotel. But I like it. And excuse me if I just get up and pace the floor. Let’s get the fuel on that one.’
‘Sorry Mr Schultz that appears not to be specified. But the machinery is two one thousand four hundred horsepower diesels giving a cruising speed of fourteen to fifteen knots.’
‘O christ.’
‘Anything wrong.’
‘I’m going to need at least another three to four knots. I got people after me. Sorry, I mean you know how it is. I just don’t want to be bothered at sea with a bunch of nosey sightseers around. When a lot of the time I got international stars aboard. And with the paparazzi annoying us.’
‘I quite understand. A most regrettable but I fear unavoidable species that every serious sailor abhors. But in the case of this vessel when pushed there is a maximum speed capability of seventeen knots, and indeed the engineers presently aboard are regarded as the best in the Mediterranean. There are of course these days undesirables in their speed boats. But do remember Mr Schultz you can quite quickly take most speed boats out of their fuel range.’
‘Christ the god damn thing is a dream. It’s beautiful. A marine masterpiece. Fucking gorgeous. Sorry that’s a slip of the tongue. It’s got, like a woman, the most beautiful lines I’ve ever seen.’
‘Ah I thought you might like her sir. She is in fact one of the world’s most sumptuous motor yachts. And your slip of the tongue if I may say so perfectly confirms it. She is sir called the Catherine Ahoy.’
‘What, I don’t believe it.’
‘I take it the name is a welcome coincidence sir.’
‘Yeah well maybe. It sure is giving me premonitions.’
‘Ah well, I see we are at least opening doors or rather bulkheads in the right direction. Now here’s her little layout. On the bridge deck abaft of the wheelhouse are the exercise and recreation areas. Convenient in heavy weather. The owner’s stateroom suite and apartments are.’
‘Look hold it. I didn’t really come in here to do this you understand. It’s still like an option I’m examining in my life.’
‘I assure you Mr Schultz we always understand this in a commitment so large.’
‘Holy christ. What really I need is someone here to stop me doing this. Stop me.’
‘Ha ha sir. That is rather putting the pressure on us but Mr Schultz I still understand.’
‘OK let’s just on that understanding peek some more at the pictures.’
‘The entire large aft deck of the recreation area is teak sheathed. From the owner’s stateroom, the circular stair leads below to the owner’s panelled private saloon, and adjoining is the owner’s library and also adjoining is an office directly under the radio room above with full international phone, radio and television access.’
‘O my god.’
‘Is there something wrong sir.’
‘No. There’s just one more fantastic thing right. That’s what’s wrong.’
‘The dining room is ideal for today’s international type of gue
st. Stabilizers of course keeping everyone’s digestion calm. And sir an additional plus here, the crew, all the furnishings, and provisions aboard can be included. With its unusual seven thousand mile range this vessel sir will provide nine weeks survivability in the North Atlantic in mid winter. You need only to step aboard. Of course as a naval man you’ll be familiar with all these other matters. Radar and navigation with its every modern system in place. Crew of twenty.’
‘Gee, that’s less than I already got employed in my production.’
‘Well if I may put it in that way sir, this is in every way a production. Conveying to the world in one launch as it were, your status. And we do act as charterers, you know. You might even find yourself making a profit.’
‘Nobody but nobody goes aboard and gives orders on Schultz’s ship but Schultz. And if I was crazy enough to buy this thing that’s the first rule the captain would enter in the log book. Boy, I like the rake of the bow and the stern. Somehow they’re just perfect.’
‘Which of course Mr Schultz in no small way has, to her credit, allowed ten Atlantic crossings. Panamanian registered, lying in the South of France, we would be very happy to show you over the vessel sir.’
‘No. There’s no time. Christ I got to pace back and forth on this.’
‘I quite understand sir.’
‘OK I’m back. I’ve paced.’
‘As you can see here from our colour brochure there is Mr Schultz, adjoining the owner’s stateroom, and next to the sauna, this rather marvellous innovation, a water swirl bath. And very much liked by the ladies. Hot and cold air conditioning throughout. Walk in refrigerators, freezers, vegetable rooms. And a gyroscopically self stabilizing wine cellar. And never being a stationary target and having a mind to quick shore access, there are two speed boats aboard, each capable of sixty miles per hour and which, along with the automatic security system, your bodyguard I’m sure will find useful. Dear me Mr Schultz is there something wrong.’
‘Yeah. One thing.’
‘I’m sure sir, it can be put right whatever it is.’
‘It ain’t got no pigeon loft.’
‘Ah ha ha ha. Or are we being serious sir.’
‘Serious. Absolutely.’
‘Abaft the main mast, a loft sheltered from rough weather could be put right there Mr Schultz.’
‘OK. Got it.’
‘And as you see here, for your VIP guests, their stateroom has double doors opening directly onto the sundeck. And of course there is the unique Queen suite with its appropriate murals and to which there is a secret and private access from the owner’s cabin.’
‘Jeez stop. Stop. I got to sit down. Sorry about this. Little battle fatigue from being too long at action stations. Hey could somebody get me a glass of water please.’
‘No problem, Mr Schultz. None whatever. Which if I may mention as you bring up the subject, this vessel is capable of providing a total of twelve thousand litres of fresh water daily.’
‘O boy. Jesus. Should I do it, Rabbi.’
‘What’s that Mr Schultz.’
‘Nothing. I’m sort of having a little conversation with myself.’ ‘Steel hull, and main deck superstructure. Lloyds one hundred A one. And I’m sure you will believe me Mr Schultz when I say there is nothing left to be desired in the soundness of this vessel.’
‘Jesus Mr Jones you don’t have to convince. I believe. Just from this picture I can tell just looking at that white majestic palace gliding through the blue water there, that it is the most perfect god damn thing afloat since they first sailed a dug out canoe. Wow. I’m perspiring.’
‘Well Mr Schultz you have in a manner of speaking taken the words right out of my mouth and put it in terms that are colourful to say the least. The present owner I may add, due to sudden financial economy, is most keen to sell. And she is at this moment lying at her own mooring in Monaco ready to board.’
‘If fifteen percent comes off that price listed there. You got a deal.’ ‘If you’ll excuse me Mr Schultz and in just a moment I’ll be back to you.’
Smiling blonde girl putting down the glass of water in front of Schultz. Downing a mouthful. Rabbi it’s going to be water water everywhere, and beautiful wine to drink. But Rabbi. Stop me. If you think it is too extravagant. Sigmund living’s no bargain but there is nothing extravagant about staying alive and afloat. Shit then maybe don’t stop me. O my god. Hey Catherine Ahoy. I’m already in love with you. Anchors aweigh. And all it took was staying hysterically calm through a few middle of the night phone calls. I could be aboard in that steel inner sanctum, cutting bow waves. Ave Maria playing. The pigeons in their coop cooing up on top of the bridge. The radar scope sweeping the sea ahead. The helmsman avoiding the blips. Jorricks masterminding the kitchens. Daniel sergeant at arms, ready to break legs or clap any crew troublemaker below in irons.
‘May I suggest Mr Schultz twelve and a half percent off.’ ‘Thirteen.’
‘Done. And the owner, Mr Schultz does have one small request, he asks if in taking the crew, you keep on Joseppi, his barber.’
‘No problem. I haven’t had time for weeks to have a haircut.’
‘O splendid. And may I congratulate you Mr Schultz. And may you have many happy hours aboard the Catherine Ahoy.’
‘Hours.’
You mean
Lifetime
29
Daniel in his false beard and sunglasses opening the car door. Schultz alighting in front of Sperm Productions. Taking a puff of his cigar and stepping up over the grey stone step. Into this dingy hall. Up on the creaking elevator, out on the landing. This could be the last time I ever go through this familiar door. Jesus I have to admit as much as I have nothing to thank that fucker for, with Binky gone the place is like a morgue. Rebecca’s got to come aboard. Be the ship’s secretary. Holy christ. In the waiting room. Sitting. Waiting. The fucking pair of hunchbacks. Sending a shiver up and down my spine. O christ. Rebecca’s office empty. Go down the hall. Jesus is there nobody else here. Try the chairman’s door.
‘O hey hi your Lordship.’
‘Good god Schultz you gave me a fright. My word what a very attractive outfit you’re wearing. I thought you might be loaded up and ready to sail.’
‘Hey how did you know.’
‘Of course there really are anacondas and piranhas up the Amazon.’ ‘I’m not going up the fucking Amazon. I bought a dinghy with a pair of oars. And I’m going to row around the Serpentine.’
‘Schultz you’re sounding awfully cheerful.’
‘Am I. I hadn’t noticed I thought I was always like this.’
‘But pray tell Schultz, you do also seem rather all in a dither. And your face flushed far too pink for this early in the afternoon.’
‘It’s the decisions in my life.’
‘Ah perhaps you’ve been reading the theatrical trade journals.’ ‘I’m taking a long holiday from all that shit.’
‘Now that you are a multimillionaire.’
‘Yeah and I’ve probably notched you over into being a billionaire.’ ‘Well Schultz according to this Variety just off the presses here. I could have been considerably richer. Hollywood bought the movie rights from Joe Jewels for ten million.’
‘Where. Let me see that. I don’t believe it.’
‘Right here. In headlines.’
KISS IT, IT’S SOLD JEWELS SEALS CELLULOID DEAL FOR RECORD SUM
‘Why those charlatan cunts. Give me that phone. I’ll get that son of a bitch Al.’
‘Don’t Schultz trip over the carpet.’
The cradle in one hand receiver pressed between ear and shoulder, Schultz pacing back and forth, and chewing off the end of the cigar in his mouth and spitting it on the floor.
‘I want to speak to Al Duke.’
‘One moment, please, who’s calling.’
‘You just tell him honey it’s London and he ought to know and get him on this phone fast.’
‘Yes sir.’
‘Al. This you.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Why you fucking chiselling schlemiel Al. I’m going to get you for this if it’s the last thing I do.’
‘Hey Sigmund. We’re on our way to a funeral here. Joe Jewels’s mother died. But I want meanwhile to give you some good advice. Why don’t you just go and make a big and lasting impression on the world. And in the contortion of a pretzel, go fuck yourself. Goodbye.’
‘Hey your Lordship where’s Rebecca. I’m going to sue these fuckers Jewels and Duke for fraudulent misrepresentation.’
‘Dear me. Haven’t you heard.’
‘Heard what.’
‘About Binky.’
‘Don’t mention that fucker’s name ever again to me.’
‘Well Schultz I’m afraid I must as it explains what you want to know.’
‘Well tell me then. Reluctantly I’ll listen.’
‘Rumour has it that in Paris he’d met up with some nurse from a London hospital. And spent all his money in a nightclub. And was last heard of in the Rue Pigalle, where he was found believed to be starving in a heap halfway down the steps of the metro. Rebecca has gone to Paris to find him.’
‘Holy shit thank god for all the precautions I take in my life. So that I don’t become a situation I don’t want to happen. And even if it does mean I cannot get what I want.’
‘Dear me Schultz that leaves one open to imagining the awful prospect of your desiring to view the spectacle of naked virgins being executed.’
‘Hey what kind of a remark is that when I’m upset hearing this. Binky deserves what he’s getting. But I don’t deserve to have Rebecca gone. And by the way before she takes off for the Amazon I’m unloading off Erica, her dog, her whips, pith helmets, batteries, snow shoes, skis and cameras back at your house.’
‘You can’t do that Schultz.’
‘Why not. I got to.’
‘My mother has just died.’
‘Jesus twice I hear this in five minutes. Your mother did that over a week ago.’
‘Well she’s suddenly doing it again this week. Would you like to know what that lady did in my house.’
‘Jesus your Lordship I’d love to. But listen I don’t have time. But you could just tell me if I can depend now upon Binky’s life becoming a permanent tragedy.’