“What? No, I’m not!”
“Sara.”
Panic filled my chest as I tried to suck in air. Closing my eyes, I reminded myself that this was the world where husbands made the decisions, but we were still alone, and I had a chance. “No, Jacob,” I implored. By the way he turned, my response obviously surprised him. I kept going. “I can’t help you if I don’t have memories. Think about it. What if the medicine blocks everything I learned at The Light?” I sucked my lip between my teeth and put my hands between my legs to hide their trembling. “I can’t go back to that. Besides, how would we explain it if I suddenly forgot all Father Gabriel’s teachings or my job or how to cook, or what if I forgot you?”
“Fuck,” he said, pulling the truck into the small airport. “I guess I hadn’t thought about all of that.” Once Jacob had the truck inside a hangar, he turned toward me. “Give me those hands.”
Though I looked down, I obeyed.
As he took my hands, it wasn’t his words but his tone that pulled my gaze to his. “If we have any chance at all of getting through this alive, you and I both have to put on the best performances of our fucking lives. That’s why I wanted you to resume your medicine. I thought it would make it easier for you, but”—he kissed my knuckles—“you’ve always been so smart, and you’re right. I don’t want you forgetting what you’ve learned in The Light. You worked too hard. Just please remember, no one is trustworthy, no one. Everyone is programmed, not just the acquired wives. Most of the men aren’t on medication; their programming is more environmental, tribal mentality really. It keeps everyone content to work toward Father Gabriel’s goals. If they weren’t programmed, they wouldn’t accept everything Father Gabriel says as gospel and they even may try to question his authority. That can’t happen.
“It’s literally you and me against The Light. We have to convince everyone that nothing has changed. The next eighteen hours are crucial.”
I nodded, knowing I needed to put my full and unyielding trust in the man who held my hands, the one who’d kept me alive so far.
“Leaving The Light,” he went on, “is a transgression punishable by banishment. No one leaves The Light and lives to talk about it. No one. You, Sara Adams, are an Assemblyman’s wife. We love each other, and you’re usually well behaved. Thursday night after the prayer meeting, once we were home, you weren’t. I corrected you. You were embarrassed that it resulted in a blackened eye. Since I left early Friday morning, you went running on the campus, like we do. It’s summer and you chose to stay out in the north acres. Being upset with me, you forgot about the lab. That’s why you weren’t in our apartment when Raquel came to find you.”
I sighed. What he’d just done was the comfort that came with being Sara. The story, my choices, everything was up to my husband. Jacob told me who I was and what I thought. It was a realization that bothered the Stella side of me, but I knew that to survive what we were about to do, I needed to keep Stella quiet. I could use her keen thinking and survival skills, but in everything visible, I needed to be Sara.
Thankfully, last night I’d been granted something that I hadn’t previously had. Last night I had been given permission to question. “I’m scared. Why can’t we tell everyone that Thomas took me? I hate people thinking you did this to me.”
“Because this”—he looked out through the hangar’s open garage door and over the airstrip. I followed his gaze and suddenly realized we weren’t at the same airport where Thomas had brought me yesterday—“is where I fly in and out of for The Light. I’m not sure how I’d be able to explain to Xavier or Father Gabriel how I knew Thomas’s destination.”
I swallowed. “H-how did you know?”
“My handler searched flight plans. Flight plans are supposed to be filed in advance. VFR, visual flight rules, don’t require it, but for safety, especially with such large areas of unpopulated wilderness, most pilots do it. Thank Father Gabriel, Thomas had. He’d filed his plans before leaving for the Northern Light. They included his estimated time of return to Fairbanks and listed the airport. Technically, there’s no way I could’ve made it from the Western Light to Fairbanks in time to save you, which was the story I gave Benjamin and the reason the US Marshals were there instead of me. But Benjamin has no way of knowing that. He hasn’t left the Northern Light in years. Father Gabriel would know and so would Micah, if he were questioned.”
I shook my head. “This is such a mess.”
“Well,” he said coldly, “I’m sorry you’re still involved.”
My neck straightened. “Now, as in because we’re going back, or you’re sorry I was ever assigned to you?”
Jacob’s narrow gaze silenced me—Sara—the way only he could. “No more. We’ve been through this. Now we’re going back as Sara and Jacob. Later today I’ll take you to Brother Raphael and you’ll need to explain and apologize for your absence. He’s a Commissioner. Correction will be at his discretion.”
“No, Jacob. No more, ever.”
He lifted a brow. “You had that option. You chose otherwise.”
I felt suddenly nauseous.
“We need to hurry,” Jacob said, “so I can make it to Assembly.”
“What about Thomas?”
“I told you, he’s no longer a threat.”
“But won’t The Light question his disappearance?”
“Minimally, that’s not our concern. It’s his. Like I said, no one enters The Light and leaves. Theoretically he shouldn’t have been in the community. Once Xavier is informed of what Thomas did—entering the community on more than one occasion—even Xavier won’t question Thomas’s sudden disappearance. Benjamin knows what Thomas did to you, so he won’t question his disappearance. Once Father Gabriel learns Thomas entered the community, he won’t question it either. He’ll assume there was a problem, and it was handled.”
I shrugged. “Maybe there are advantages to not questioning.”
Jacob reached for my hand, and with a grin said, “It’s taken you long enough to figure that out.”
My cheeks flushed as I glanced toward our intertwined hands.
“This hangar doesn’t have cameras or surveillance inside,” Jacob explained. “That’s why I didn’t park outside. I’m going to help you onto the plane, and then I have some last-minute things that need to be done. Remember, do not talk.”
As he helped me from the truck, I replied, “Yes, Jacob.”
His lips curled upward as his gaze devoured me. “Life would be so much easier if you could remember that is always the correct response.”
I was exhausted, had a battered cheek, had been gone nearly a day from a place no one leaves, and had my hand in the hand of a man whom twenty-four hours ago I’d never wanted to see again. I was out of fight.
With a shy smile, I lowered my chin, looked up through my lashes, and repeated what my husband wanted to hear. “Yes, Jacob.”
Just before entering the plane, he stilled our steps. With his free hand he surrounded my waist and pulled me close. “I pray that one day I’m able to call you by another name, but in the meantime, you’re my wife, my Sara Adams, and while I do and will respect the boundary you placed on sex, right now I want to kiss my wife, and I plan on doing it. Do you want to stop me?”
Before I could answer, he pulled my hips tighter against his, causing our chests to collide. Needing to see his face, I lifted my chin and looked into his dark gaze. As leather and musk enveloped us, he rephrased, “More importantly, do you think you can stop me?”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t want to stop you. After all, you’re my husband.”
He smiled, an exhausted smile, just before our lips reunited. For a few moments, in the drafty hangar, our world was right. After all we’d said and done, the danger I’d put us in and how he’d tried to push me away . . . after all of it . . . our bodies knew their rightful place. Drawn like magnets with an irresistible pull, they carnally remembered what my mind believed it wanted to forget. As his kiss deepened, heat radiated f
rom my head to my toes, melting everything in its wake. Simultaneously his touch made me liquid, molding me against his solid warmth.
I didn’t fight as fingers twined in my hair and tugged my head backward. When Jacob’s tongue slid across the seam of my lips, I willingly granted him entrance, accepting the invasion that gave our tongues license to dance. He swallowed my moans as the friction from his broad chest pebbled my nipples, and my arms wrapped around his firm torso. When our lips finally parted, I settled my cheek against his chest and held tight, listening to the steady beat of his heart.
We both knew that there was a possibility we’d never make it out of The Light, and still, when he lifted my chin and stared deeply into my eyes, I couldn’t say the words my heart longed to say; instead I did the next best thing. With a soft kiss to his cheek, I whispered, “Sara loves Jacob.”
He kissed my forehead. “And Jacob loves Sara. Please never forget that.”
I shook my head. “Neither Sara nor Stella will.”
“I never thought of myself as a bigamist,” he said with a grin.
When Jacob opened the Northern Light’s smaller plane, I quietly climbed aboard.
Though the fuselage was filled with boxes, Jacob pointed to one of the jump seats, and I sat. Next he strapped me in. Its seat belt was much more elaborate than the one in Thomas’s plane. Briefly I wondered whether this was how the unconscious women were transported—how I’d been transported. Instead of allowing myself to dwell on that thought, I surveyed the boxes, assuming they were filled with supplies; however, as in my first few days in The Light, I couldn’t ask. My speech was once again restricted.
The difference was that this time I understood why. I knew that Jacob’s rules weren’t to dominate me, but to save me. As we flew away from the dark and back into The Light, the weight of our mission settled over me. It was up to us. If we failed there were others who would never be saved.
CHAPTER 16
Sara
My heart was ready to beat out of my chest as the full impact of Jacob’s words, “The next eighteen hours are the most crucial,” settled over me and he left our apartment for Assembly. All it took was one person who saw the truth or knew what had really happened.
I should have been tired, but I was mostly scared—scared to be separated from Jacob, and of what could happen at Assembly. More than once I’d prayed that Brother Benjamin had kept our secret. After all, Jacob said that Brother Benjamin and Raquel were believers, and that what they were doing by helping us was against Father Gabriel’s teachings. Just as all of my thoughts and behaviors belonged to Jacob, all of our husbands’ thoughts belonged to the Commission and Father Gabriel.
What if Brother Benjamin confessed to the Commission?
I bit my lip and continued to pace.
We’d gotten into the community without anyone’s seeing that I was in Jacob’s truck. Riding in his truck wasn’t forbidden. I did it from time to time. It was leaving the community that was forbidden. No one could know I’d been out to the pole barn, much less into the dark.
To corroborate our story, as soon as we entered the community, I stayed hidden inside the truck while Jacob drove as close as he could to our apartment, went in, and returned to the truck. As we drove to the parking area, I came out of my hiding place in the backseat. Then together we walked to the coffee shop.
Since the story was that I was upset with him about leaving the reminder on my cheek, taking me into public was his punishment for my missing work yesterday. The thing that I continued to mull over was that he hadn’t explained any of this to me—any of the reasoning. Nevertheless, I understood it.
No matter how I fought it, I was conditioned. Sitting at a table at the coffee shop with my eyes down, I obediently waited for him to return with our drinks. Of course he didn’t ask what I wanted, and I wouldn’t have refused whatever he’d ordered; however, when I peered into the cup and found tea instead of coffee, I smiled. Though he briefly returned the smile and whispered, “It’s decaffeinated,” his gaze immediately narrowed, reminding me that I was supposed to be upset with him.
Jacob was right about my blackened eye. No one seemed to notice it. If I allowed myself to think like Stella, the unspoken acceptance of my husband’s correction was more evidence of the perverse nature of The Light. I hoped that the unique position of having both perspectives would be an advantage as we continued the best performances of our fucking lives.
A knock on the apartment door startled me as it brought me back to the present. I took a deep breath and steadied myself to open the door. I’d known Raquel would be coming ever since Jacob told me he’d given Brother Benjamin permission for her visit. I reached for the doorknob as I prepared to see the best friend I’d had while in The Light.
In the coffee shop I’d needed only to look the part, now it was time for speaking. There was more riding on this performance than before I’d left the Northern Light. Now my success wasn’t just for me, but also for Jacob and his mission. It was for everyone.
I opened the door to Raquel’s questioning blue eyes.
“Come in,” I said, “Jacob told me you’d be coming.”
She shook her head and waited for me to close the door. Once I did she wrapped me in an embrace, her slender arms squeezing with all her might. “Oh, praise Father Gabriel. I was so worried about you.” Backing away, she playfully hit my shoulder. “I should be mad at you . . .” Her words trailed away as she noticed my eye.
I wasn’t sure how she hadn’t seen it first thing, but then again, she’d been too busy hugging me. I reached for the puffiness and a tear fell. “I know. I’m sorry I worried you.”
Raquel wrapped her arm around my shoulders and led me to the sofa. “Sara, it’s all right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have responded like that. It just surprises me.” As we sat she asked, “Have you thanked Father Gabriel and God for your husband?”
I nodded as more tears flowed. I didn’t know where they were coming from, exhaustion probably. I’d slept a little on the plane, but the flight was much faster in Jacob’s plane than it was in Thomas’s. We had been in the air for under an hour.
Raquel hugged me again. “Benjamin and I were so worried when you didn’t go to work.”
“I’m sorry. I was selfish.” I lowered my chin. “I honestly didn’t think about anyone but myself. I was embarrassed. I mean, it’s the first time I ever remember this”—I tilted my head to the left—“happening, and I didn’t want anyone to see it.”
“We’re sisters. We understand. It happens. No one will think less of either you or Brother Jacob.” Raquel smiled her biggest, shiniest smile.
Gratitude for all she’d done for me from the beginning of my journey in The Light came bubbling out. “Thank you, for always being so great. I’m so glad we’re friends, and sisters,” I added.
“I had so many thoughts running through my head. I was afraid you were . . . were taken, that you were lost in the dark.”
“Taken? Why would you think I’d been taken? By whom?”
“This is going to sound crazy, but by that pilot guy, Thomas. I don’t like that he comes here into the community. I told Benjamin that I was afraid that’s what had happened, and he said he’d bring up that Thomas comes into the community to the Assembly. I mean, it just isn’t right.”
If she only knew! “He does give me the creeps. I’m sorry I worried you. Jacob said you went looking for me.”
Raquel nodded. “When I couldn’t find you here, Benjamin drove me to the pole barn. Brother Micah was there. He’s the one who said Thomas had recently left. I guess Brother Micah arrived just after Thomas took off. I was the one who jumped to conclusions.” She squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry. I should have known you’d never willingly go back to the dark, not after the last time.”
“I don’t remember doing it then either.”
“Sometimes,” she said, seeming to weigh her words, “when people stop taking their birth control medicine, it does something to their chemical
balance and they remember things. Have you had any memories?”
I shook my head. “No, not really. It’s still as if the day I woke from my accident was the day my life began.”
She nodded and laid her head back against the sofa. “The other day you said something in the temple about the dark. I remember the dark. I didn’t at first either, but now I do. If you do, talk to Brother Jacob. Benjamin helped me more than I can say.” A tear slid down her cheek. “I’d never go back. I’d never leave The Light.”
“Raquel, what is it?”
She pressed her lips together and swallowed. “Nothing, I was just so scared that you were out there, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”
“I know we’re not allowed to talk about the dark, but if it would help you, I promise not to tell.”
Shaking her head, she whispered, “No, I can’t. I know you wouldn’t tell, but I don’t want to be the cause of any secrets between you and Brother Jacob.” Taking a deep breath, she forced a smile. “The most important thing is that we’re here now. We’re in The Light and you’re safe. Benjamin said that when I came looking for you, you were out running?”
“Yes, I was in the north acres, but that won’t happen again, not without Jacob.”
“So this”—Raquel tilted her head toward my eye—“happened before Brother Jacob left?”
“Yes, Thursday night after prayer meeting.” I looked down. “He’s really patient—usually. It’s my fault. I need to stop questioning. I think that’s why I’m so embarrassed. I don’t want anyone to think of him like Brother Abraham.”