Chapter 7
Axira
I stood before Admiral Singh, assuming the correct posture of erect professionalism.
The Admiral sat in a large chair behind her desk, sunlight streaming in from the windows behind and lighting up the five brass stripes on her collar.
“Hendra has been disciplined. This is her first assignment with the Academy. She clearly hasn’t learned correct decorum yet. You will not have to complete that component of this course.”
I blinked.
That was it?
Had Jason done it? Had he convinced his mother to ignore what I’d done last night?
While I had not become violent, I’d been aware of how threatening my expression had become. When I’d stared at Hendra, I’d done so with the cold hatred of 450 years of slavery.
I hadn’t been prepared for her to blurt his name out.
How she’d pried it from my mind, I still didn’t know. Somehow I’d left myself unguarded. A mistake I wouldn’t make again.
“Rest assured, Cadet, this situation has been resolved.” Admiral Singh nodded low and respectfully. “I apologize if this has interrupted your studies.”
I kept waiting for the Admiral to say but. To tell me to report to counseling, to ask me who master was.
“Since this incident, I am beginning to question the wisdom of using a mindair to prepare recruits for psychological attacks. Though, please understand that I believe Hendra’s heart was in the right place. Her behavior, however, was still unacceptable.”
I frowned.
I was still waiting for the Admiral to demand I tell her my story.
“If you wish to see a counselor,” the Admiral began.
I stiffened. My body hunched as if preparing for a subspace jump.
And maybe I was. If the Admiral’s questions became too invasive, I could always leap right through the wall and escape.
I didn’t have to. With a nod, the Admiral continued, “One can be arranged for you. You are under no obligation, however. As far as I and the Academy are concerned, this issue is resolved.”
Apparently, Jason had kept his promise.
“Lieutenant Ma’tovan,” I began.
“Follows orders,” the Admiral cut in, “Now, Cadet, get back to classes. Your teachers are happy with your performance. I’m sure the next time I see you in my office it will be to give you a commendation. Good luck.” She turned from me and considered something on her desk.
It was clear the conversation was now over.
I stood there for a little too long until the Admiral stared pointedly from me to the door.
I snapped a salute and walked out.
I continued walking until I reached my next class.
At any point, I could have done a subspace jump to leave the Academy and to leave this life far behind.
Last night, after the incident, I’d convinced myself that was the right thing to do. I clearly wasn’t ready for this.
Yet I was still here.
I would give this place another chance – give myself another chance.
Jason was right – if I stuck around, I could make a difference. I had 450 years to absolve.
I could not run away now.
…
Jason Singh
I caught sight of her heading to class, and I smiled to myself. At least that was one thing I’d managed to get right. My mother had listened to me – especially when I’d stressed Em shouldn’t be forced to get counseling. She wasn’t the kind of person you could force to endure someone poking around her head. She’d run, for sure.
If you wanted to make progress with her, it would have to be with baby steps.
My mother wasn’t stupid, though – Em would be watched and assessed. Any more episodes like last night and someone would step in.
Not of course that Em had done anything last night. It was just the look she’d shot Hendra.
I burned to know exactly who this master character was. I didn’t want to stop there, though – I wanted to learn everything about Em. I had never encountered a more intriguing recruit.
But I had to concentrate on my mission. With every day that passed and every day I failed to find out who the spy was amongst our ranks, the Coalition bled more secrets. And now was not a time in history where we could afford to lose intelligence. There were strange movements across the Kore border, not to mention the usual dangers posed by the Barbarians.
I had to find the spy.
I was walking through the corridors, about to attend to another VIP, when I came across Hendra. She was standing with her hands clasped in front of herself as she stared out of one of the massive windows that showed a 20th-floor view of the city below.
She turned as I approached, before my footfall could have roused her, and she smiled. “I felt you coming near. Such a welcome presence,” she said as she nodded her head low.
I pretended to scratch the stubble along my jaw. It was that or admit to the fact I’d just blushed at her words. “It’s nice to see you too, Hendra,” I said. “How are you going?”
She offered me a strained smile, which was an unusual move for someone as calm and poised as Hendra. “I’m afraid I received a reprimand today. I’ve been working for the Academy for four months now, and this is the first time something like this has happened.”
I swallowed. Of course she had received a reprimand – I knew that already. I’d just walked into this conversation when I should have turned away and walked out.
“You believe it was fair, don’t you?” She asked perceptively as she offered me another small smile.
I choked, hiding it with a cough. “I… can’t comment,” I managed.
She blinked prettily then turned back to the view. “I was just trying to help. I sensed a heavy wall in Cadet Em’s mind, a wall so vast and large I couldn’t see through it. And yet there were cracks,” she said as she brought a finger up and traced it down in front of her, as if she were playing with a vision in her mind.
I swallowed again. I knew I shouldn’t be discussing Cadet Em with Hendra. Yet, as bad as it was, I wanted to find out any insight Hendra could give me.
“She’s a strange woman. I’ve never met anyone like her. And her mind,” Hendra shook her head, her gaze becoming distant as if she was staring at something far off through the windows, “Is cold,” she finally finished.
A shot of nerves punched up my back, flashing over my skin and making my arms shake. “What do you mean?” I kept telling myself to shut up, turn around, and walk away. It wasn’t fair to learn about Em this way. In fact, I could guarantee that if she found out I was talking to Hendra about her, she’d throw me through a window.
“She has monsters,” Hendra said as she brought her hands up and rested them on her arms. “Of all the cadets I faced yesterday, she was the one who could benefit from my help the most. But I failed to make her see that. Even Admiral Singh couldn’t see that I was just trying to help,” Hendra said in a quiet tone.
I pressed my lips into my teeth and tried for a commiserating smile. “I’m pretty sure Admiral Singh knows that. And as for Em…” I trailed off. She had to be left alone – I wanted to say. Em couldn’t be pushed.
Yet that’s not what I said. Even though it went against every one of my morals, I asked in a quiet tone that couldn’t travel into the corridor beyond, “Who is master?”
I shouldn’t have asked it. I shouldn’t have asked.
I had sat with Em last night on the edge of the goddamn roof until she’d agreed to come back to safety. I knew that whoever master was, he or she or it had hurt Em. Plus, I had no right to pry. No right at all. Yet that didn’t stop me from standing there and waiting for Hendra’s answer.
For a few seconds, Hendra didn’t look at me. Her brow compressed with confusion and she brought a hand up and pressed it into her lips. “I can’t say, but I can tell you that whoever master is or was, they exerted a strong influence over Em. For a very long time,” she emphasized. “The memory of ma
ster is all through her mind. The only reason I picked up on it is because it’s so strong. Otherwise, I have to admit, Em would have kept me out.”
I felt sick as I listened. Not just because of what I’d learned, but because of the fact I’d asked to learn it. Granted, I was a spy, but you weren’t meant to spy on your friends.
“What are you doing?” Somebody asked from behind, tone terse.
I turned to see my sister standing there, her arms crossed.
My cheeks chilled. “Elle? How long have you been standing there?” I questioned.
“Don’t even bother – I heard everything. You shouldn’t be discussing my friend. Her past isn’t any of your business.” Elle’s angry gaze shot from me to Hendra, then back to me. “That wasn’t the point of the class yesterday, right?” She challenged.
Hendra dipped her head low. “I am sorry for this indiscretion,” she said, “I was simply discussing something—”
“That was none of your business,” Elle said.
I knew my little sister, and my little sister was never rude. Unless you pushed her. Or, more importantly, pushed one of her friends. She could endure any number of hardships, but if she saw someone she cared about being downtrodden or abused, she would always step up. It was one of her redeeming features. But right now she was using it against me.
“Look, Elle, I’m sorry, you just came in at a bad time in the conversation. We were discussing—”
“Yep, you were discussing Cadet Em. But you’re gonna stop now, because you have no right to learn something about someone they don’t want you to know. She hasn’t done anything wrong, and she doesn’t deserve to have us snooping behind her back.” She shot me a challenging look.
Before I could say anything else, she turned and walked away.
Hendra’s cheeks were flushed blue with embarrassment. “Oh dear, I fear I have created yet another problem.” She brought her palms up and laid them flush against her cheeks.
I knew that a peculiarity of her race meant that when they were embarrassed or stressed their cheeks became cold, not hot. She was clearly trying to warm them up again.
“Look, it’s okay; I’ll smooth things over with my sister. Plus, this was my fault; I shouldn’t have asked,” I admitted in a serious tone.
“Do not blame yourself, Lieutenant Singh. You are a good man. I know your question came from the heart,” she said in that amazing lilting tone that could have made a battle cry sound like a lullaby.
I tried not to blush again. I took several steps back, nodded at her, and said goodbye.
She waved, then turned back to pensively stare out at the view.
I was going to have to catch my sister and explain this before she said anything to Em. I’d managed to foster a scrap of trust with her last night, and I didn’t want to lose it already. I wanted Em to know that I was on her side. So I rushed faster until my feet pushed into a jog.
…
Axira
I was being forced to endure far more stares than usual today. It seemed that my classmates were now more convinced than ever that I was the greatest curiosity in the universe. I heard a few of them whisper that word – master – but none of them were brave enough to walk up to me and ask who or what he was. Which was a good thing, because I wasn’t entirely sure what I would do if someone did.
I was beginning to realize I wasn’t as controlled as I’d thought I was. I’d left it four years before joining the Academy, not just because I’d enjoyed the feeling of freedom, but because I’d known there was a lot to learn. From customs and behaviors to discipline. I’d accepted this would be a hard task. Yet I was rapidly learning I’d underestimated how hard it would be.
I walked through the grounds to my next class. I was somewhat disappointed to find out it was combat, and Elle would not be there. She was still attending the introductory class, and I’d moved up very swiftly to the elite course.
Lieutenant Ma’tovan was waiting at the track for us, his enormous form casting a long shadow over the grass. He growled at us, as he always did, and instructed us in today’s lesson.
Before I could pair off with a partner, he walked up to me. “I’ll be your partner today, Cadet Em,” he snarled. The man couldn’t say anything without growling or snarling it. He probably even roared in his thoughts.
I dutifully snapped a salute and took up position.
The lieutenant shot me a wary, angry gaze. “I’m not gonna lie, Em: you’re one of my best combat recruits. But I don’t need to tell you that, nor do I need to tell anybody else. You take one look at the way you hold yourself, and anybody knows not to mess with you.”
My brow crumpled in confusion. I wanted to ask what he was getting at, but I was smart enough to know he’d reach his point when he was ready.
“They told me what you did yesterday. They told me you were verging on insubordinate in your telepathic defense class, let alone what you did when that mindair confronted you at the party last night. Now I’ll be honest with you: I hate telepaths, myself. I can’t stand the thought of them prying around my mind. I once broke a Kore assassin’s nose because he had the hubris to get between me and my thoughts. But I had every right to attack him, because he’d been attacking my crew.”
I stared at a point just below the lieutenant’s left shoulder. I controlled my expression.
“Admiral Singh wanted me to drop this, and I am dropping it; you aren’t going to be reprimanded. And I agree that’s a good move. But we shouldn’t ignore this, because it demonstrates something I already know about you, Cadet.”
I looked up. I shouldn’t have; you weren’t meant to meet a Ravang’s gaze, but I couldn’t stop myself. Nor could I control the particularly hard edge of my expression.
“You can’t control yourself,” he supplied. “Don’t get me wrong – you’re the least troublesome cadet I’ve ever met. You don’t get into bar fights, you don’t get into trouble, and you haven’t wound up in the med bay once. But don’t think I don’t know what’s going on in your mind when you look at me like that. You want to stick your fist right through my face. I’m a Ravang, and I know just how to spot that particular desire.”
I remained silent, but I couldn’t drop my gaze no matter how hard I tried to force myself to.
“You might think you’re controlled, but what you are is bottled up. You try to manage your environment so you don’t come across anything that truly pisses you off. Because if you do come across something that truly pisses you off, you’re not sure how you’ll react. Right?”
I still didn’t say anything, but I couldn’t stop my left hand from clutching into a fist.
The lieutenant let his gaze dart down to it before it slowly returned to my eyes. “One day you will make one hell of a Coalition soldier. One day I would be happy to go into battle with you. But not today. I don’t doubt that you could run faster and hit harder than any of the other recruits.” He jammed a thumb over his shoulder to indicate the rest of the class who were thankfully well out of earshot. “But that’s not gonna make you a protector. That’s gonna make you a killer.”
I reacted. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to. But I jerked back as if I’d been slapped, my face contorting with emotion.
My entire life was predicated on the fact that I had not been in control when I’d been Axira. I was not responsible for what I’d done. And now I was free of my master, I would never have to do those horrible things again. Yet here the lieutenant was, casting doubt on that belief.
I took several jerked steps back from him, pressing a hand over my eyes.
He didn’t move. “I’m not gonna ask what you did in your past, because all that matters is that you’re an Academy recruit now. But I am gonna tell you this: if you want to be nothing more than a glorified killer who wears a Coalition uniform and pips, then continue doing what you’re doing. Your orders – no matter how brutal – will be an outlet for all that anger. You’ll twist every mission so you can wield your strength and power, do anything t
o make yourself feel in control. But if you want to be a guardian,” he brought one of his massive hands forward and stabbed a finger my way, “If you want to protect, if you want to only kill if it means the difference between saving someone’s life and condemning them, then you need to learn how to control yourself. You need to learn how to deal with all that anger before it continues to control you.”
I couldn’t cry; I wasn’t capable of it, but my face could still twist with emotion, my eyes still shake as terror and grief gushed from me.
“The Admiral didn’t want me to confront you, thought I should treat you with kid gloves. Well, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my hands are far too big for those. I know how to deal with people like you, because I happen to be someone like you. Now, why don’t you take the day off and think about what I’ve said? Go for a run. Not one of the measured runs you always give me when you hold yourself back. Sprint. Push yourself to the limits. Make your muscles and bones scream until they can’t take any more. Then, when you’re tired – if you can ever get tired – sit down and think. Consider your future, Cadet Em. Consider what I’ve said. Figure out whether you want to be a killer or a guardian. And when you’ve decided, report back to me.”
With that, the lieutenant turned sharply on his heel, the sun glittering over his black skin as he stalked off to shout at the rest of the cadets.
I stood there, mouth open, eyes wide with shock. In that moment I was feeling more emotion than I had in years, maybe my whole life. It spilled out of me like it was gushing from a wound in my chest. I brought a hand up and clutched it over the fabric of my uniform, digging the fingers in as if I were looking for the injury. Eventually, I managed to force myself to turn. Then, with my body still shaking, I did as I was told and pushed myself into a run.
There was just enough reason left in my mind to ensure I didn’t go all out, that I didn’t run so fast I tore the boots from my feet. Yet I didn’t control myself completely. I let my body move.
I kept running until I made it all the way out of the Academy grounds. In fact, I ran right out of the city, keeping a pace that would have killed most of my classmates. I ran until I reached the forest. And when I was there, I jumped, reaching a glen amongst the trees. I let my body disappear from one point and travel through subspace until I reappeared somewhere else.
With a scream that cut the air, I kept subspace jumping as if I were crazed. Darting around the glen from one tree to another, from the sky to the ground – just jumping and jumping and jumping until finally I could start to feel the fatigue emptying out of my body.
With another scream as if I’d been shot, I fell to the ground. I slammed my fists into the dirt, one after the other, obliterating any stone or twig that was underneath me until finally I stopped. Dirt covered me, and scraps of wood were scattered around my feet. I rested back on my haunches and stared up into the sky.
Though the ever-present paranoid part of my mind told me it was over, and that it was time to leave the Academy, I didn’t move. Instead, I did as I was told, and I started to think. Think about what the lieutenant had said.
Did I honestly know the difference between being a mindless killer and a guardian?