“That’s true, but I needed to tip you still. You don’t work for free.” I wouldn’t take the money back.
She took it reluctantly and thanked me. I waved it away. I wasn’t trying to buy her time. Well, I guess I was a little.
“So, you know a lot about animals, huh?” Hendrix took my glass and turned it upside down in the big bin she had for dirty glasses.
The lights were getting shut down from another employee as we spoke.
“Just in the last year or so. I mean, I’ve always collected strays and tried to reunite them with their owners—but everyone does that. I turned my focus to animals injured on the side of the local roads. A lot of times it’s just giving them a burial. You know, with dignity. It’s hard to see them helpless on the side of the road.” I twirled the wet napkin in my fingers.
“Wait. Is that what you were doing last night?” She narrowed her eyes at me and set her elbows on the bar.
“Last night? Yeah. I had a possum on the side of the road. So I gave her a burial. You never know, sometimes if the animal is pregnant- you can save the babies. Not a lot though. But sometimes.” I wet my lips with my tongue. It was a lonely mission I put on myself. It felt nice to tell Hendrix about it. But I felt exposed as well.
“You know that people in town think you’re a serial killer, right? Like the whole bleach and shovel and tarp situation in the back of your SUV?”
Her cleavage was so inviting with her leaning down. It took me a second to clue back into what we were talking about.
“Oh yeah? I guess. People are going to talk about you until the day you die. They can say whatever they want.” I stood. The conversation was getting a little too real.
She also stood. The pretty skin in the V of her shirt would probably feel like the softest thing against my cheek abs.
Hendrix tossed her rags into a bin and started snapping off the lights that showed off the liquor bottles. At least she had her heels on now.
“Are you all done?” I watched her walk out from behind the bar, a little disappointed she didn’t vault her way out again.
“Yup. Another Saturday in the can. I just have to log out. Good night, Dick.” She gave him a little wave.
I had to think of something quick. Of course. “Can I wait and walk you to your car? It’s so late at night.”
Hendrix thought for a few seconds before agreeing. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
I watched her leave and enjoyed every step she took.
Chapter 13
Henry
I typed my name on the Google doc that was open on the computer and grabbed my jacket. I’d agreed to let Dick Dongy walk me to my car. Which of course was parked in the back of the dark lot as per the boss’s instructions. Employees had to leave the good spots open for customers. Dominick was also closing with me, but he already had his headphones on. We were used to this. I would walk out first and he would set the alarm. So, there was really nothing stopping me.
I came out with my jacket buttoned up and he was still there. Looming by the exit. Lord, he was just downright huge. He was tall with wide shoulders and much smaller waist. Like a Dorito. The hood over his face seemed ominous. But he buried dead possums so they could have dignity. That was either incredibly messed up or very sweet. Or something in between.
“Ready?” He pushed the door open and waited.
I had to walk close to him to get outside. I swear he sniffed my hair. “All set.”
He reached past me and held the next set of doors open too. I could feel him hovering over me to make sure I didn’t have to open one on my own. And then he for sure sniffed my neck. I felt like prey.
I would probably get buried next to the possum. Why did I think this was a good idea? My trusting brain was setting me up to be a dead person.
“The Focus is yours, right?” He offered my own car in the distance to me with one of his huge sweeping arms.
“Right. Yes. You saw my car last night.” I nodded with a trickling fear dripping down my spine and swooping back up to slap me in between my legs. This man was pure confusion to my nervous system. I was busy being afraid of him. I shouldn’t be curious about how abs everywhere might help him during sex.
I was too busy thinking about strength when I tripped in the goddamn heels—again.
Before I knew I was on the way down, I was on the way back up. Dick had scooped me up and held me like he was about to carry me over a threshold. He had to jog a few steps to catch his balance—but he did it. He was breathing heavy before he looked me dead in the face. “You okay?”
“Oh.” I was supposed to say, yes. Not oh. But all I could say was, oh. Being held by this man was like being held by pure rock. I had felt his muscles rippling with the exertion of catching me and keeping us both upright. And it was goddamn erotic.
He stilled, looking at me. We could only breathe while we looked at each other. The moonlight hid his face in the shadows under his hood.
I dropped my keys and my purse as if they didn’t matter. I had to see him again How crazy was I? How insane was he?
I reached up and pushed his hood off of his head. His nostrils widened a bit and the tempo of his breath increased.
“Hendrix.” He spoke it as a warning. But I was too curious.
His face was ridged in abs, like I remembered. I ran a hand down one.
“Hendrix.” He spoke his warning but closed his intense eyes at my touch and leaned into it.
I used my other hand so I could cradle his cheek. How much cruelty had he faced because he looked different. Had anyone else heard the possum story and felt beauty too? A weird beauty. Maybe a deranged pretty.
I put my hand over his full lips. I felt them move against my palm as he gave me my last warning. “Don’t be nice. I’m a monster.”
My heart lurched in my chest. He opened his eyes again and I saw confusion, and hope and then finally, a decision. He carefully put me back down on my feet. “You best be going. It’s late.”
He still had one hand on my lower back, like he expected me to swoon.
“I best be,” I agreed. But I turned towards him instead and gave him a sincere hug. I went on my tiptoes—my heels not getting me quite to where I needed to be. And then I placed a kiss on the ridged cheek that he seemed to keep covered more than anything else.
Then I whispered near his ear, “Thank you.”
I felt a shiver run through him and watched as he clenched a fist.
He gave me a quick nod but said nothing more. I got in the Focus without another glance at him. I was confused by all the feelings I was having.
Had I just fallen for Dick like he’d predicted? That would be craziness.
Chapter 14
Henry
When I got home, I gave myself all kinds of pep talks for how everything that happened with Dick was a figment of my imagination.
And in the morning, after some solid sleep, I knew it was. In the clear, hard sunshine, I was obviously exhausted after work and the serial killer/pest rehabber had been able to get past the defenses I normally had up for customers on the weekend.
By the time I had taken my jog and showered, Becca had blown up my phone with thirty-two text messages about the blind date with Rex Texxerdad. I’d forgotten about my date with a millionaire because a guy riddled with abs had held me like we were shooting a cover for one of my romance author friend’s books. I texted her back that I would be ready. Rex and I were going to meet at the local Panera. A nice, safe place to meet someone new. I put on a cute white sweater and a pair of jeans with my favorite boots and curled my hair. I even did the cat eye make up so I could tell myself I was 100% all in on this blind date and wasn’t the least bit thinking about Dick.
I was ready to go and only a little scared. Becca insisted Rex had been a decent guy. She kept saying decent in her texts. Maybe a little too much. I asked her why she was talking in the past tense as I sat in the Panera waiting in the booth closest to the fireplace—as I’d been directed.
She kept avoiding the answer. Then she kept bringing up how eccentric Rex was reported to be.
Alarm bells started sounding, but it was too late. A man sat across from me in a huge cowboy hat and a big grin.
***
My first thought was Rex was hot. My second thought was that Rex certainly didn’t need to go on blind dates if he looked like he looked and was a well-known millionaire.
After he took off his hat he messed with his longish hair that had waves in all the right directions.
He was tall. Not as tall as Dick. But at least sitting in the booth he looked taller than I was. He introduced himself and held out a hand.
I did the same and was puzzled when he yanked his hand back at the last second and said, “Too slow!”
Now, I got the feeling I was going to start getting some answers to the question on why this hot rich guy was in Panera with me.
“So little lady, I got to say Brock and I haven’t talked in a right while, y’all.” He was shifty. Like he was waiting for cops to bust in the exits and arrest him.
“Well, here we are.” I couldn’t think of what to say.
“Do you mind if we get out of here? I’m kind of a germaphobe. I hate the thought of people touching my food.” He stood and put his hat back on.
I knew I was frowning. I could feel my lips tugging down. If he didn’t like people touching his food, how did he live life?
“Okay…” I gathered my purse and followed him out the door that he didn’t hold for me.
“Do you like adventure?” Rex winked at me.
I did like an adventure. Hell, people didn’t move to New York City if they weren’t up for some surprises. Maybe Rex was quirky and I was just being a bad sport about it.
“Sure. I love surprises.” I shrugged. I felt my phone buzz, knowing it was Becca trying to gauge how it was going.
Rex opened the truck of a Dodge Grand Caravan with the key fob. “Awesome, sweet cakes. Let’s suit up for it, shall we?”
I walked over to the back of the Caravan with him and saw an alarming amount of various safety equipment.
“Let’s start with the life jacket.”
Rex proceeded to snap me into a poofy orange life jacket, clipping the white belts around me quickly.
“Wow. You’re good at that. This isn’t your first rodeo.” He had done it all without me having to put down my purse. If I thought he was fast with mine, he could have broken world records with how quickly had his own on.
“All right, little pumpkin, let’s get the safety glasses on, too.”
I tried to imagine what the hell we were going to do that required glasses and a life jacket. When he popped a helmet on my head, I was pretty sure we were going white water rafting.
It was far too cold for rafting. Midville in September was too close to winter and the North Pole to get anything wet and still be comfortable.
He finally ushered me to the passenger side of the van and opened the door. I had to duck carefully to fit my helmet. I struggled to get the seat belt around my life jacket as well. I turned my head as much as I could to see that Rex was preparing to drive with his helmet on.
“You can see with that on? Doesn’t that make, like huge blind spots?” I tried to get a look to see how he was managing but I felt like a safety mummy.
“I use the mirrors exclusively.”
Rex cursed at every single driver he encountered on the way out of the shopping plaza. He was enraged.
“Are you okay? I think maybe we should go back. This is feeling weird.” I tried to lift the facemask off of my helmet.
“Driving is war. It’s the single most dangerous thing we all do everyday. Constant skeptical aggression is required.” Rex honked the horn at a passing car on the road. “And she was on my side of the damn road.”
“That was a dude,” I corrected him.
“Or a very ugly woman,” he offered.
I was able to get my phone out to try and text Becca with an update about my situation but I got the phone smacked out of my hand. It hit the floorboard just as Rex took a turn. My glittery case and the phone it protected slid under the seat.
In my stupid safety outfit, I couldn’t move. I was going from scared to pissed in a quick hurry.
“Listen, I think this date is over. Take me back.” I tried to give him a stern look but couldn’t see his face. I was going to kill Becca and her brother for this match up --if I lived to tell the tale.
“Henry, we just got started. And I know my expert driving can be a huge turn on. And I know you might feel compelled to maybe taste the knob, if you know what I mean.”
I heard him make clicking noises with his mouth.
“Oh really?” I wasn’t sure if I should keep him talking or what. How dangerous was this guy?
“Yeah. But if you do, know that I have a few condoms on so we can be safe.” I could see that he was wiggling around in his seat.
I was now pretty sure why this millionaire “catch” was single as hell.
“I stuffed my balls in there, too. So, you can go to town and you won’t get your saliva on me at all.” He started tapping the steering wheel.
I felt my saliva, alright. Backing up in my throat. I decided talking was only egging him on. I needed him to stop the van. I needed to get my phone. Then I needed to get the hell away from Rex.
He drove us –somehow-- at the speed limit recklessly. When he turned abruptly into a pick your own apple orchard I had to ask, “We need all this safety equipment and two condoms to go apple picking?”
He pulled to a stop in the dirt parking lot. “No. I told you. This is for driving.”
Rex unclipped my seatbelt and his at the same time.
I got out and divested myself of all his craziness as fast as I could. I let it hit the ground and earned myself a quick lecture from Rex about the maintenance of his property.
I couldn’t help it, I looked at his crotch. It looked like he was smuggling a misshapen apple from the orchard we were currently standing in in his pants.
When I looked up at Rex in his full driving get up he lifted an eyebrow. “Still thinking about it?”
“Yes. But not for the reasons you’re hoping I am. You do know you can kill your balls with that trick right? They’ll just fall off.” I pointed at his pants with my pinkie and wrinkled my nose like I knew it was happening at that very second.
Rex flipped out. I stepped back and watched a paranoid man try and save his nuts from destruction.
Rex shoved both his hands down his pants and made a face that was close to what I imagined women made when giving birth. He arched his shoulders and grunted and squeaked a little.
I heard an audible pop when he freed his genitals of the unnecessary latex. The scream he gave was like he was falling off a cliff.
Rex pulled a blob of condoms out of his pants in a ball. He tossed them on the ground.
It was covered in thick hair. It was like he’d scalped a guinea pig.
“Sweet Jesus.” I eyed the mess.
Rex wiped away tears. “I peed a little just now. You saved my testicles. I owe you.”
“I think that’s the scariest series of sentences I’ve ever heard strung together.” I took another step back.
Then I thought of my phone. Of course, Rex had locked the doors just before the impromptu male Brazilian wax he’d just given himself.
Rex did a tender genital waddle and seemed to be rotating his hips a lot.
“There’s so much room down here. Can you take a look? Are my balls in there?” He pointed at the hairy blob.
“No. I won’t be sending out a search party for your man berries. You’re on your own for that. Just unlock the van, I want my phone. That’s all I need. Then I can call your dick an ambulance, or whatever.” I pointed at the van in question.
“Can you just look?” He started unbuttoning his pants.
That was my cue to leave. To leave immediately. I took a deep breath when I realized I would be abandoning my pho
ne. The scent of an apple orchard would probably trigger some super weird memories for a while thanks to Rex.
I turned my back on him and started walking away without even saying another word.
He shouted at my retreating back as I left, “Where are you going? Just look! Damn it. You are a pretty one! Just come back. Why do they all leave?”
I refused to look over my shoulder to see what he was doing.
“Fine. Go! I’m going to get me some apples that have never been touched by human hands before my own.”
I hugged my middle and kept a steady pace for the road. I was going to have to walk home. Or at least to a place where someone had a phone I could borrow to call Becca. Or screw Becca. Maybe my parents. I’d never hear the end of this teasing now.
Chapter 15
Dick
Last night was still messing with my head. My burden, of course was to never fall in love. Lust was okay and I could manage lust. Hendrix had tossed me into a dangerous mix because of the way she’d kissed my cheek. Like the abs on it didn’t matter.
She was probably just a cheek kisser. That happened from time to time. Ladies that kissed everyone’s cheeks. Even mine.
But not often.
I was on my rounds. Lucky the bat was looking great, so he would have to be brought back to the nest. I was thinking of trying to build a quick bat house behind Meme’s so Lucky could be near his family.
But nighttime was the best for his release. To put him at an advantage. I was scouring the side of the road for more victims when I saw her.
The last I knew, Hendrix was going a date today. And she wasn’t dressed for any kind of exercise. I slowed to a roll, checking behind me for traffic—there wasn’t any.
“Everything okay?” I shouted to her as soon as her profile assured me it truly was Hendrix.
She looked once hesitantly before relief washed over her beautiful face. “Great! It’s you.”
Her smile was genuine. She wasn’t being sarcastic like a lot of the girls in the bars were to me after a while.
“I don’t have my phone.” She gestured to the road and rolled her eyes.