Tierra stepped out the taxi with a real smile plastered on her face. It had been weeks since she had to pretend her way through a day. Not only did she feel her sessions with Dr. Mark, the therapist, were helping her greatly deal with her father’s death, but she was finally coming to grips with the rape as well. She had learned new things about herself within these sessions and had begun to take chances in her life that she never thought she would.
Malcolm had taken her on more than one date, and though she wasn’t 100% comfortable dating, she chalked it up to be 28 years old, and never really experiencing the dating scene. She did go on a few dates in college, but she never was really comfortable with it. So she gave up, feeling she was forever tainted, scared, and updatable… until Malcolm. Even with him though, something wasn’t quite right. She was frustrated, because she didn’t know what it was, or how to figure fix it.
She shook Mr. Marks hand and took her usual spot on the sofa, her knees bent up to her chest, meeting the embrace of her arms.
“So, Tierra, you are looking happier these days,” Dr. Mark observed. “What have you been up to?”
“Well, if you remember a while ago, I gave Malcolm the go ahead for one date. It’s turned into a bit more. I know I haven’t mentioned it however; things seem to be going well. In fact, we went out last night,” she smiled her eyes resembling more of a Chinese mixture, than the Cuban heritage she truly was.
“Well Tierra, if things are going so well, then tell me, why are you still squinting your eyes when you talk about dating?”
She tucked her feet under her butt, stretched her arms like a feline after a long nap, and then replied, “I, I don’t know. I mean, things are really going well. Malcolm is a good man. He’s respected my space. He didn’t even bug out when I took him to church with me on a Sunday.”
“So you finally went on a Sunday? You didn’t tell me that either,” Dr. Mark said again, writing in his notebook.
“Oh yeah, well when we went there for our first… date? I told him to pick me up, and I had him take me to Church. He was more than a bit surprised when I said ‘we’re here,. ’ but he played it cool. I think he actually enjoyed himself.”
“So I’ll ask you again, why are you still squinting, if things are going well?”
“I don’t know. Something’s missing, and I don’t know what it is. I’ve never dated before. How am I supposed to know what’s wrong, or if it’s right? Am I being too critical or something? Maybe this is a mistake.”
“Are you thinking dating Malcolm is a mistake?”
Tierra sat up straight on the sofa, leaned forward and locked eyes with her therapist. “It’s just, I thought that when I found the right man, I would feel… different than I do, I guess. I mean honestly, it was never in my play book to date at all. That one event was enough for me. I tried. I mean I’ve been asked. I just couldn’t let a man get that close to me ever again. But I had thoughts about how it would feel… ya know?” she turned her head and gazed out the window, and inhaled soft but deeply. “But whatever I thought I’d feel, this is not it.”
“Well then what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. It’s not like this is a business deal,” she raised her hand and rested it on her forehead, shook her head slowly, and closed her eyes.
“So if it was a business deal, you could handle it, is that it?”
“Yeah, I’m in control in the boardroom. I know what to do. Here, this dating thing, this is all new to me. I’m lost and I don’t like this feeling.”
“Well, for next week, I’d like you to think about what kinds of characteristics you dreamt of, when you allowed yourself to dream of being in love. What did you want him to look like, talk like, act and treat you like. What kind of job did you see him having? Now that you’ve renewed your spiritual faith, how important is his faith to you? Do you want children, how important are his family values? Write them down and we will compare Malcolm to your list.”
“Ok. That sounds like a plan, I guess. I’ll see you next week,” Tierra mouthed solemnly. She took the appointment card from Mr. Mark and exited his office.