FRENCH POLITENESS
As a truly polite nation the French undoubtedly lead the world, thinks acontributor to a British weekly. The other day a Paris dentist's servantopened the door to a woebegone patient.
"And who, monsieur," he queried in a tender tone, "shall I have themisery of announcing?"
SIMPLE FAITH
The Methodist minister in a small country town was noted for his beggingpropensities and for his ability to extract generous offerings from theclose-fisted congregation, which was made up mostly of farmers. One daythe young son of one of the members accidentally swallowed a ten-centpiece, much to the excitement of the rest of the family. Every means ofdislodging the coin had failed and the frightened parents were about togive up in despair when a bright thought struck the little daughter, whoexclaimed: "Oh, mamma, I know how you can get it! Send for our minister;he'll get it out of him!"
LIMITED DISSIPATION
A small, hen-pecked, worried-looking man was about to take anexamination for life insurance.
"You don't dissipate, do you?" asked the physician, as he made ready fortests. "Not a fast liver, or anything of that sort?"
The little man hesitated a moment, looked a bit frightened, thenreplied, in a small, piping voice: "I sometimes chew a little gum."
THE LIMIT
The manager of a factory recently engaged a new man and gaveinstructions to the foreman to instruct him in his duties. A few daysafterward the manager inquired whether the new man was progressing withhis work.
The foreman, who had not agreed very well with the man in question,exclaimed angrily:
"Progressing! There's been a lot of progress. I have taught himeverything I know and he is still an ignorant fool."
A PERFECT PROGRAM
This story has the merit of being true, anyhow: The official pessimistof a small Western city, a gentleman who had wrestled with chronicdyspepsia for years, stood in front of the post office as the noonwhistles sounded.
"Twelve o'clock, eh?" he said, half to himself and half to anacquaintance. "Well, I'm going home to dinner. If dinner ain't ready I'mgoing to raise hell; and if it is ready I ain't going to eat a bite."
"TIPPERARY" IN CHINESE
The Chinese have put "Tipperary" into their own language, and nativenewspapers print the chorus as follows:
Shih ko yuan lu tao Ti-po-lieh-li, Pi yao ti jih hsing tsou. Shih ko yuan lu tao Ti-po-lieh-li, Yao chien we ngai tzu nu, Tsai hui Pi-ko-ti-li, Tsai chien Lei-ssu Kwei-rh, Shih ko yuan lu tao Ti-po-lieh-li, Tan wo hsin tsai na-rh.
This is the literal translation:
This road is far from Ti-po-lieh-li, We must walk for many days, This road is far from Ti-po-lieh-li, I want to see my lovely girl, To meet again Pi-ko-ti-li, To see again Lei-ssu Kwei-rh, This road is far from Ti-po-lieh-li, But my heart is already in that place.
NON FIT
She was a very stout, jolly-looking woman, and she was standing at thecorset counter, holding in her hand an article she was returning.Evidently her attention had been suddenly drawn to the legend printed onthe label, for she was overheard to murmur, "'Made expressly for JohnWanamaker.' Well, there! No wonder they didn't fit me!"
HIS BY RIGHT
An Irish chauffeur in San Francisco, who had been having trouble withnumerous small boys in the neighborhood of his stand, discovered one dayon examining his car that there was a dead cat on one of the seats. Inhis anger he was about to throw the carcass into the street, when heespied a policeman.
Holding up the carcass, he exclaimed: "This is how I am insulted. Whatam I to do with it?"
"Well, don't you know? Take it straight to headquarters, and if it isnot claimed within a month it becomes your property."
BEST OF REASONS
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying tomake the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head theblood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in theface."
"Yes, sir," said the boys.
"Now," continued the teacher, "what I want to know is this: How is itthat while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blooddoesn't rush into my feet?"
And a little fellow shouted: "Why, sir, because yer feet ain't empty."
A STORY FROM THE FRONT
One day an ammunition dump blew up. Cordite was blazing, shells andbombs bursting, and splinters and whole shells flying everywhere in thevicinity. The atmosphere was full of smoke and resounding with metallicwhines. Out of a shack hard by came a darky, loaded to the waterlinewith kit, blankets, rifle, etc., and up the road he dangled.
"Here! Where are _you_ going?" shouted an officer.
"I ain't goin', suh," panted the darky. "I's gone."
EQUATORIAL MICHIGAN
Representative Billy Wilson, who dwells in Chicago, found himself in theupper peninsula of Michigan doing some fishing and hunting. While therehe conversed with the guide that he had hired in order to have somebodyaround to talk to.
"Must get mighty all-fired cold up here in winter," remarked Wilson onemorning.
"Yes, it often gets away down to forty-five below zero," replied thenative.
"Don't see how you stand it," said the Congressman.
"Oh, I always spend my winters in the South," explained the guide.
"Go South, eh? Well, well! That's enterprising. And where do you go?"
"Grand Rapids," said the guide.
SCRIPTURAL
The college boys played a mean trick on "Prexy" by pasting some of theleaves of his Bible together. He rose to read the morning lesson, whichmight have been as follows:
"Now Johial took unto himself a wife of the daughters of Belial." (_Heturned a leaf._) "She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits inbreadth." (_A pause, and careful scrutiny of the former page_.)
He resumed: "Now Johial took unto himself a wife," etc. (_Leaf turned._)"She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in breadth, and waspitched within and without--" (_Painful pause and sounds of subduedmirth._) "Prexy" turns back again in perplexity.
"Young gentlemen, I can only add that 'Man is fearfully and wonderfullymade'--and woman also."
THE FACT WAS
Saying is one thing and doing is another. In Montana a railway bridgehad been destroyed by fire, and it was necessary to replace it. Thebridge engineer and his staff were ordered in haste to the place. Twodays later came the superintendent of the division. Alighting from hisprivate car, he encountered the old master bridge-builder.
"Bill," said the superintendent--and the words quivered with energy--"Iwant this job rushed. Every hour's delay costs the company money. Haveyou got the engineer's plans for the new bridge?"
"I don't know," said the bridge-builder, "whether the engineer has thepicture drawed yet or not, but the bridge is up and the trains ispassin' over it."
THE LAST WORD, AS USUAL
The ways of a woman are supposed to be past finding out, but after allthere are times when her logic is irresistible as in the case of acertain wife who had spent her husband's money, had compromised him morethan once, had neglected her children and her household duties, and haddone everything that woman can do to make his life a failure.
And then, as they were both confronted by the miserable end of it all,and realized that there was no way out of it, he said:
"Perhaps I ought not to appear to be too trivially curious, but Iconfess to a desire to know why you have done all this. You must haveknown, if you kept on, just what the end would be. Of course, nobodyexpects a woman to use her reason. But didn't you have, even in a dimway, some idea of what you were doing?"
She gazed at him with her usual defiance, a habit not to be broken evenby the inevitable.
"Certainly I did. It was your fault."
"My fault! How do you make that out?"
"Because I have never had the slightest respect for you."
"Why not?"
She actually laughed.
"How could you expect me to have
any respect for a man who could notsucceed in preventing me from doing the things I did?"
FRUGAL TO THE END
Not long ago a certain publication had an idea. Its editor made up alist of thirty men and women distinguished in art, religion, literature,commerce, politics, and other lines, and to each he sent a letter or atelegram containing this question: "If you had but forty-eight hoursmore to live, how would you spend them?" his purpose being to embody thereplies in a symposium in a subsequent issue of his periodical.
Among those who received copies of the inquiry was a New York writer. Hethought the proposition over for a spell, and then sent back thetruthful answer by wire, collect:
"One at a time."