“I will! I promise! I love you!”
I should’ve felt relief when I hung up the phone, but all I felt was dread. As much as I wished to erase that night from my mind, I knew that some memories were harder to forget than others.
Especially the painful ones.
I’d told myself many lies over the years. The most frequent was “you’ll be fine.”
Yes, everything was going to be fine.
You’re going to grow up without a mother, but you’ll be fine.
You’ll wake up every morning and realize it wasn’t a nightmare, it was real. But you’ll be fine.
You’ll have to carry around a secret that could destroy your two closest friendships, but you’ll be fine.
And I thought I was a horrible liar.
One thing I had become very good at was avoidance. Avoiding Emily and Levi together. Avoiding talking about their relationship with either of them. Avoiding any topics involving parties, Troy, my bedroom, emotional scars, etc.
I managed to do it for over three months. Three months of not being able to be completely honest and open. Three months of having to watch every word I said, every move I made. Three months of pure, unadulterated torture.
As the snow melted and hints of sun started poking through the clouds, I thought maybe I would be able to put it completely behind me by the time summer arrived. I even saw a flower start to bloom while I was on my way to lunch in early April. I figured that had to be a positive omen.
Danielle waved to me from our regular lunch table. “Guess who I ran into last night.”
“Who?” I pulled out my carrots and homemade hummus.
“Ian.” She wiggled her eyebrows.
“Ian?”
She sighed. “Ian Branigan, from your New Year’s Eve party?”
Oh. I’d almost forgotten there were other things that had happened that night.
“Yeah. He seemed very interested in what you were up to these days.”
“So?”
“She says ‘so?’ ” Danielle said to nobody in particular.
“Oh, I’m sorry. He asked about me? Should I get the wedding registry ready?”
“She mocks.”
“Yes, she does.”
Danielle reached across and helped herself to some of my hummus. “I simply thought you’d be interested to know that a very cute boy was interested in you. And I may have mentioned that we were going to go to his track meet this Friday.”
“We’re going because Levi wants to check it out.”
“Yes, and while Levi checks out the team he wants to be on next year, you can check out Ian.”
“He’s a freshman.”
Danielle tapped her index finger against her lips for a moment. “Good point. What would someone at the bottom of the high school food chain want to do with a gorgeous girl like you?”
“That’s not what I meant.” I didn’t know what I’d meant exactly.
“All I’m saying is that he asked about you and that I said we’d be at the meet on Friday. No big deal.”
“Right.” I was making too big a deal out of it.
“Yes, no big deal at all.” Danielle gave that smirk that let me know another one of her patented zingers was coming my way. “Now do you care to explain why your cheeks are so red?”
I always went to Levi’s mom when I had a question of the female variety. But I didn’t feel comfortable asking her what to wear to the track meet. I knew she would’ve probably been excited to help me, but I wasn’t sure how excited she would be about my having feelings for somebody. Anytime Levi and I got into one of our little bantering conversations, I’d catch our parents giving one another those looks. Those aren’t-they-so-cute looks. I was sure she’d be happy, but another part of me thought she wanted Levi and me to be together.
As much as I didn’t think Ian was into me that way, I also realized that maybe I wouldn’t be so preoccupied with Emily and Levi’s relationship if I had one of my own. I did love distractions.
So I went to the only other person I trusted for girly advice: Emily.
I sent her a quick text that I was coming over, and left for her house. I was too excited to wait around for a response. It wasn’t unusual for either Emily or me to stop by the other’s house unannounced.
I was only a few steps away from the front door when it opened. For a split second I assumed Emily had seen me approaching the house. But someone else stepped out of it.
Troy.
“Hey, Macallan!” he greeted me. “How’s it going?”
The door swung open and Emily jumped outside. “Hey, what a surprise!”
“I sent you a text,” I stammered, trying to make sense of what I was witnessing.
Emily waved her hand dismissively. “Oh, no worries. Troy was getting the, ah, homework assignment we had in history.”
Troy looked at her weird. “Yeah, sure. Catch you later.” He walked down the street like he didn’t have a care in the world.
“It’s not what it looks like,” Emily assured me once we got to her room.
“Then what was it?” I asked. I refused to sit down next to her on her bed. I folded my arms and waited for her explanation.
“Troy and I were just hanging out. Honestly. I’m trying to get to know him better. Last time I checked, that wasn’t a crime.”
“What about Levi?”
“Levi knows.” She picked up a magazine on her nightstand and started flipping through it like we were done with this conversation.
We were not.
“Levi knows what?” I prodded.
“He knows that Troy was coming over today to study. They’re friends.”
“Yeah, some friend.”
“It’s complicated.”
I was so sick of that excuse. Because that’s all it was: an excuse. “Then explain to me. Because honestly, Emily, I have no idea what’s going on with you lately.”
Emily dropped the magazine as if I was being the unreasonable one. “I’m just confused, that’s all. And I’d appreciate it if you weren’t so hard on me. We can’t all be perfect like you.”
I glared at Emily. I didn’t appreciate that she was trying to turn this around on me. This had nothing to do with me. Although it felt as though it did.
She could tell that I was still waiting for a response. “Listen, I like Levi, I do. He’s so sweet and cute. But I also like Troy. So I’m spending time with Troy just to see if, you know …”
“No, I don’t know.” I could practically hear the icicles cover each syllable as they came out of my mouth.
Emily sulked. “I like them both. I want to make an informed decision before I choose.”
“Are you being serious right now? What you’re doing to Levi is completely unfair.”
“I know.” Emily looked sad. “I do. I promised myself that I had to make a decision by graduation.”
“That’s over a month away,” I reminded her.
“Please, you’re not going to tell Levi what’s going on, are you?”
I got up and headed for the door. “Really, Emily? I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
Where to start?
I got it. When somebody tells you you’re seeing things that would get them in trouble, you’re most likely not imagining it.
How about when someone tells you she’s hanging out with someone she used to have a crush on just to study, don’t believe her.
So true.
Or if your best friend says she’s going to a track meet solely to keep you company, you don’t assume she’s there to hit on another guy.
That was not why I went.
Who’s lying now?
I’m not lying. I can’t help it that my pale skin and sparkling charisma make me irresistible to men. What was I supposed to do, be rude?
Whatever.
I thought having a girl best friend and a girlfriend would’ve given me some understanding of how the female mind worked.
Yeah, not so much.
Things became really bizarre between me and Emily. She began being extra enthusiastic around me. And any time I mentioned Macallan’s name, she would laugh and then change the subject.
Macallan wasn’t much better. It used to be that whenever I mentioned Emily’s name, she’d smile. Now she winced.
A buddy of mine in Cali gave me his theory that they were both in love with me and fighting over me.
Yeah, right. Maybe if this was a dream.
I avoided talking about Macallan with Emily and vice versa. As long as Emily didn’t come up, things were normal between Macallan and me. So I was looking forward to going to the high school’s track and field meet with Macallan and Danielle.
We sat in the bleachers with Macallan in the middle. She held up her hand to shield the sun from her eyes. “Glad I brought sunblock,” she said before riffling through her bag and applying lotion to her face and arms. Macallan’s hair in the spring and summer was my favorite; in the sun it was almost bright red with an orange undertone. But if we went inside it looked like it did in the fall.
She continued to squint. “Here, take my sunglasses,” I said. I had a hat on so at least the sun wouldn’t bother me as much.
“Oh!” Danielle elbowed Macallan. “Look — Ian’s stretching.”
I couldn’t see Macallan’s reaction, but whatever it was made Danielle laugh.
Who’s Ian? I thought. I looked over and saw some guy stretching his hamstrings and doing a quick jog with his knees up. Did Macallan know him? I didn’t remember her ever talking about an Ian.
I studied Ian. He was tall and skinny with dark hair that curled up at the ends. I guess he’d be considered handsome, if you liked lanky guys. I mean, I could be considered lanky. So would I be Macallan’s type?
He took to the starting line and was in the middle lane with seven other guys.
“What times are we looking for?” Macallan asked me. She didn’t seem too interested in him. Maybe Danielle was the one with the crush?
“I usually do the four-hundred in fifty-five seconds. So, hopefully, they’re around that time.”
The shot fired off and the runners began sprinting. I noticed that they held their chests out more than I do. I have a tendency to slouch when I run. Not good for speed.
Ian was in a close second, and as they rounded the final corner of the track, he sped up.
“GO, IAN!” Danielle stood up and cheered. She grabbed Macallan to join her.
“Could you be more embarrassing?” Macallan asked her.
“Challenge accepted.”
Macallan waved her hands. “Never mind. I give in!”
They both cheered as Ian finished first by a hair. We waited for the official times to be announced. Ian finished in 50.82 — nearly four seconds faster than my best time. And while four seconds doesn’t seem like a lot of time, in track it might as well be four hours.
“How do you know Ian?” I asked as Macallan watched him cool down.
“Oh, he came to …” She winced.
“He was at the New Year’s Eve party,” Danielle finished for her. “And he’s been asking about Macallan.”
“Oh.” I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me that Macallan would have guys interested in her. And I had a girlfriend, so it would’ve been completely hypocritical of me to be jealous that she could potentially have a boyfriend.
I told myself I wasn’t jealous. Just protective.
Danielle jumped up. “I’m going to get something to drink. And it so happens that I’ll need to walk right by Ian. Imagine that.”
Macallan groaned. “Have fun — not like I could ever stop you from doing otherwise.”
“At least you understand your limitations.” Danielle hopped down the bleachers and leaned against the fence as she talked to Ian.
“Is it too late to transfer schools next year?” Macallan asked.
“So, do you like him?” The words came out before I had a chance to stop them.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t really know him that well. He’s cute.”
So he was Macallan’s type.
“Well …” I didn’t know what to say. I knew I should’ve been supportive about it, but it was making me uneasy. I decided to pretend she was one of my buddies back home. “Why don’t you invite him out and we could go on a double date?”
That wince again.
I decided to not dance around this anymore. “Are you in a fight with Emily?” I asked.
“Not exactly.” Macallan started digging through her bag. I knew that meant she was avoiding something.
“What’s going on, then? You’ve been acting weird. You’re both acting weird.” I grabbed her bag so she would stop doing whatever it was she was doing and be forced to pay attention to me.
“I don’t want to be stuck in the middle between you two. Just talk to Emily,” she stated bluntly.
“I talk to Emily all the time,” I reminded her.
“MACALLAN!” Danielle screamed from the track below. “COME SAY HI!”
She groaned. “Look, Levi, I’m in a very awkward position between the two of you and I don’t want to have to lie anymore. So talk to Emily. Really talk to her.”
“What do you mean you don’t want to lie to me anymore? Have you been lying?” I’d never thought Macallan was the lying type.
“Not exactly.” She grabbed my hand and leaned in. “I’m really sorry. Just talk to Emily.”
She hopped up and made her way down to Ian.
I didn’t know what bothered me more: the fact that my best friend had been keeping something from me or that she was currently flirting with some guy.
I climbed the steps to Emily’s house slowly, feeling the weight of whatever revelation was on the other side of the door.
“Hey!” Emily greeted me with her usual kiss.
“Hey.” I tried to smile back at her, but I could tell something was wrong. Something was different. Maybe it had been there for a while, but now I was paying attention.
And so was Emily.
“Is everything okay?” she asked with a tilt of her head, like she was trying to size me up.
“Not really,” I confessed. “I think we need to talk.”
“Oh.” Emily didn’t seem surprised. She led me to the couch in the living room. “What’s going on?”
“I think you need to tell me.”
She paused. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” But that pause told me she knew exactly what I was talking about.
“I talked to Macallan today.”
At the mention of Macallan’s name, Emily’s smile vanished. “And what did Macallan have to say?” There was a sudden hardness in her voice.
“She said you and I needed to talk. She wouldn’t say what it was, but it’s been pretty clear to me something’s been going on. I really wish someone would just tell me. All I know is that it seems Macallan’s trying to be a good friend.”
“Yeah, some friend,” Emily said coldly.
What I wanted to do was stick up for Macallan, who had been best friends with Emily since they were little. I hated that something was getting in the way of their friendship. And that something was me.
I started trying to piece everything together. “Why do I think this doesn’t have anything to do with something Macallan did, but something she knows?”
Emily didn’t have a response. Which was when I realized I was right.
“Just tell me the truth,” I said flatly. I knew in that instant that Emily and I were over. There was no way this was going to involve some kind of misunderstanding that would make everything okay. If it was enough to make Macallan uncomfortable and deceive me, it must’ve been bad.
Emily studied me briefly before her bottom lip started to tremble. My instincts told me to reach out to her. My head told me this was all an act. I remained still.
“I’m so sorry.” She covered her face with her hands. “I’m so sorry.” She then leaned into me. I didn’t move. I wasn’t going to wrap my arm
s around her and comfort her when she wasn’t doing the one thing I’d asked her to do: Tell the truth.
“What happened?”
She straightened up and began wiping away her tears. “I …” For a second I thought she wasn’t going to tell me. That I would have to get Macallan to fess up.
Emily must’ve realized she wasn’t going to get any sympathy from me. “You know I’ve been hanging out with Troy. Things just sorta happened on New Year’s, but you weren’t there, so I didn’t think it was a big deal. Then I realized I wanted to see if what he and I had was real, you know? But I didn’t want to give up on us and I guess I was confused and didn’t know what to do and it’s obvious you hate me now.”
She finally took a breath, which was enough time for me to understand what she had told me. Something had happened on New Year’s Eve. Even though Emily had already told me the opposite. And if I remembered correctly, that was the same time Macallan had started acting different anytime Emily was brought up.
So Macallan knew something had happened and had kept it from me.
I knew I should’ve been furious with my girlfriend of nearly eight months. But instead I was disappointed in Macallan. She had to choose between Emily and me. And she’d chosen Emily, the liar.
I stood up. “Thanks for telling me the truth at last.”
I didn’t even wait for a response. I walked out the door and knew there was only one person I wanted to see. I realized I should’ve been mad at Macallan for keeping this secret from me, but I was more worried that I was going to lose her.
What started as a steady walk quickly developed into a jog. I’d never had to worry about losing a friend over ending a relationship with a girl. But this was different. Macallan had known Emily for practically her entire life. I wasn’t going to ask her to take my side, but part of me thought that she was going to be put in that position. I’d be totally cool with her and Emily being friends. But I didn’t think Emily was going to be that generous.
While Macallan should’ve told me what was going on, I didn’t really blame her. She was being a good friend to Emily. Because Macallan was a good friend. She was loyal. But that loyalty also made me worried that she would pick Emily.