Later he gave me a ride around the field on the back of his motorcycle and I slid my arms around his waist and held on. I loved the feel of the wind in my hair and the smell of his leather jacket. Afterward, I was so hoping he’d kiss me, but he didn’t. He wanted to. I could tell by the way he kept looking at my lips. When we left, he followed me most of the way home to make sure I got there safely, which made me feel really good. Cherished. He didn’t ask to see me again, and that disappointed me.
Now that I’m home and in my room, I can’t sleep. This excited, happy feeling is keeping me awake. I knew I had to write it all down. I want to remember every last detail. I told Lesley I’d report back everything that happened, but I don’t know if I will. This is the first time I’ve kept anything from her. I know something’s happening in her life that she hasn’t told me about, and I understand that now. I like Nick so much I can hardly think of anything without him popping into my mind. My New Year’s resolution hasn’t been fulfilled yet, but I’m positive it’s going to happen. The only thing that remains a mystery is when Nick will kiss me. It’s no longer an if—he wants to kiss me as much as I want him to. I just hope it’s soon.
March 10th
Latin Class
Verb conjugations are so boring. Isn’t it great that the Beatles are coming to Seattle? I’d love to go to the movies with you on Saturday, but I can’t. My mom needs me to help around the house with spring-cleaning. What’s Charade about, anyway? I think Cary Grant is so handsome! If Sister Angelica finds this note, we’re both going to end up with a detention.
Love,
Lesley
March 15, 1966
Dear Lesley,
I’ve missed you! School was a real drag while you were out. There’s no one to pass notes to when you’re not here—no one I like, anyway! I’ve been worried about you. Is everything all right? We hardly talk anymore. I know you’re upset about seeing Buck with that other girl, but isn’t that what you wanted? Sister Angelica said you look pale and you do. You’ve lost weight, too. (Lucky you!) I’ll see you at lunch.
Jillian
March 17th
Buck, we need to talk. Please phone me right away.
Lesley
Soroptimists International of Pine Ridge
200 Sixth Avenue
Pine Ridge, Washington 98005
March 20, 1966
Miss Lesley Adamski
220 Railroad Avenue
Pine Ridge, Washington 98005
Dear Miss Adamski,
It is a great pleasure to inform you that we have selected you as this year’s recipient of our $1,000 college scholarship. The committee was impressed with your essay about your desire to further your education. It’s bright, responsible young women like you who are the hope and future of our country.
Congratulations!
Sincerely,
Sarah Janus,
President
Jillian’s Diary
March 23, 1966
I met Nick again and, of all places, in the town cemetery. He showed me where his mother’s buried and we left flowers there. We walked through the cemetery, holding hands, and talked for a long time afterward. He told me his dad fought in World War II and has a medal for distinguished service. My dad was in the war, too, but he never talks about it.
This is the third time Nick and I have met on the sly like this. I love it when he takes me out on his Harley because I can put my arms around his waist and press my cheek against his back. Nick admitted that riding his motorbike gives him a surge of power and freedom and he says it’s a real high.
What’s strange is that so far, all we’ve done is hold hands. Every time we’re together I’m convinced he’s going to kiss me and it hasn’t happened. Not from lack of wanting on my part. Sometimes I wonder why he keeps asking me to meet him. The last person I expected to be the perfect gentleman is Nick Murphy! Tonight, I finally got the courage to ask him if he ever intended to kiss me. He didn’t answer right away. In fact, it took him so long I thought he might not have heard me. Then he said he wanted to kiss me more than anything, but he refused to do it while I’m wearing Scott’s class ring.
I wish now that I hadn’t asked. Not because I dread breaking it off with Scott. It’s always been understood that we’d eventually go our separate ways. He’ll be attending the University of Oregon in Eugene and I’ll be either at Barnard or the University of Washington. I dread returning Scott’s ring because I know what will happen between Nick and me once I do.
The electricity between us is so strong I swear it sometimes crackles. Up until now, we’ve both pretended it isn’t there, but it is. Some nights I lie awake and try to imagine what it would be like to have Nick Murphy make love to me. Then I feel guilty for thinking such impure thoughts and immediately say the rosary.
Before we parted, I told Nick we probably shouldn’t meet again. I hoped he’d argue and tell me how badly he wanted to be with me. Instead he agreed—but we will continue seeing each other and meeting whenever we can. He knows it and so do I. I can’t stay away from him any more than he can stay away from me. As different as we are, we both recognize that we were meant to be together.
I’ve dated Scott forever, but I’ve never felt like this about him. Every moment I’m with Nick I feel this intensity, this wonder. It’s strange that we could be so different and yet so alike.
March 24, 1966
Dearest Lesley,
Surprise! Remember when you were a little girl and I used to tuck notes inside your lunch box? I bet you’d forgotten. Lesley, I found the letter from the Soroptimists in your room and no, I wasn’t sneaking through your chest of drawers! I read it and almost burst with pride. Why didn’t you tell me? I’m so excited, it was all I could do to keep from shouting.
Oh, Lesley, if only you knew how thrilled I am that you have a chance to attend nursing school. I always wanted to, but as you know your father and I got married instead.
Were you afraid to tell us about the scholarship? Or did you want to surprise us later? We both know how your father feels about you girls getting a college education, but he can’t argue with a scholarship, can he?
You’ve been so quiet lately, not like yourself at all. If you were afraid to mention the scholarship, I want to assure you how delighted I am. Don’t worry about Dad, I’ll make sure he doesn’t stand in your way.
I’m so pleased for you, sweetheart, and so very proud.
Love,
Mom
March 31st
Latin Class
Lesley,
What’s wrong? I haven’t been your best friend all these years without knowing when something’s bothering you. Tell me. Did your dad lose his job again? Meet me after drill team practice.
Jillian
Lesley’s Diary
April 1, 1966
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I couldn’t put off telling Buck any longer. I’m pregnant. I thought he’d be angry and yell at me, but instead he seemed almost glad. No one knows, not even Jillian. I can’t talk about it to anyone. The minute I start thinking about what this means for my future, I start to cry. That’s all I seem to do lately.
As soon as the words were out, Buck held me and kissed me and told me how happy he was to have me back. He doesn’t care if the only reason I’m his is because of the baby. Now he wants us to get married. I don’t know if that’s the best answer for either of us. He wanted to elope, drive to Idaho right away, but I refused to do that. It seems like an easy out, but if we marry now I won’t be able to graduate. If I can’t have college, then at least I can get my high school diploma.
Buck has been really good about everything. He’s been over to the house almost every night since I told him. He and my dad seem to be getting along better now, and Mom’s already treating him like another son. I’m beginning to think he’s right and we should get married. Tonight he told me he’s got the whole thing worked out. He talked to an Army recruiter this afternoon and decided enlisting
would be the best solution for us. That way, all the medical expenses for the baby will be covered. I don’t want Buck to enlist. There’s so much talk about what’s happening in Vietnam, although Buck said the recruiter told him he could get an assignment in Germany—but only if he enlists within the next month. With the way things are developing in Vietnam, Buck thinks he should take the Germany assignment while he can. I agreed, but I feel guilty about him maybe risking his life for the baby and me.
Buck and I do it all the time now; there doesn’t seem to be any reason not to—that’s what Buck says. I don’t mind so much, I guess, but I find it hard to go to church or explain why I can’t take communion.
Jillian’s Diary
April 12, 1966
Something’s up with Lesley. Weeks after breaking up with Buck, all of a sudden she’s seeing him again. For a while, she was almost her old self—and then, without warning, he’s back. I’ve tried to talk to her, but she insists everything’s all right and that I’m imagining things. Maybe so. Whatever’s bugging her she’s keeping to herself. I’ve never seen her so secretive. The Sound of Music is coming to town, and we’ve both been waiting to see it for weeks. Now she has some hokey excuse about why she can’t go. I’m worried about her and I wish she’d talk to me.
Things aren’t right with Scott, either. Someone must have told him about Nick and me, because he’s been acting possessive and unreasonable lately. It all started when I told him I didn’t want to go to the Junior/Senior prom. He seems to think it’s a foregone conclusion that I’ll be his date. I probably should attend the dance with him, but I don’t think I can pretend to be his girl when my heart belongs to Nick.
Everything is so much worse since Scott’s been nominated for Prom King. I’m pleased for him, I really am. He deserves it and is a wonderful athlete, but now there’s all this pressure on me because I’m supposed to be his girlfriend. Scott can’t believe I’m turning down the opportunity to be Prom Queen.
I haven’t heard from Nick, either. It seems he took my suggestion that we not meet again seriously. I got tired of waiting for him to contact me and went to his dad’s gas station. As luck would have it, Nick was working the pumps. Other than asking if I wanted him to fill up my tank, he didn’t say one word.
Everyone’s treating me like I have the plague. First Lesley, then Scott. Even Nick’s mad at me. And I don’t know what I’ve done!
April 20, 1966
Dear Jillian,
I was your first fool and I sincerely doubt I’ll be your last. If you want to break up right before prom and graduation, then that’s just fine. There are plenty of other girls interested in going to the biggest dance of the year with me.
Since you weren’t inclined to explain this sudden change of heart, all I can say is goodbye. Thanks for the prompt return of my class ring.
Scott
May 1, 1966
My dearest Lesley,
It seems odd to be writing my own daughter a letter, but I know if I try to talk to you I’ll never get through this without crying. To say that your news was a surprise would be an understatement. How I wish you’d come to me months ago so we could’ve talked things out and decided what to do before dragging Buck and your father into it.
If you’d prepared me, I might’ve been able to break the news to your father more carefully. If you remember anything from tonight, please don’t let it be the terrible names he called you. He didn’t mean them. Not a one. He was upset and angry…you know how he gets after a few beers.
What I’m about to tell you now may come as a shock. Years ago your father and I found ourselves in exactly the same predicament. Yes, Lesley, I was pregnant with you when your dad and I married. You were born six months after the wedding. (One day, you would’ve checked the dates and figured it out on your own.) My father said those same hateful things to me. He threw me out of the house and said I was never to come back. I didn’t speak to either of my parents again until after you were born.
I didn’t want to get married—like you, I had my own dreams—but at the time it seemed best for all concerned. So often in the years since, I’ve wondered what my life would’ve been like had I taken a different path. I’ve worked hard to be a good wife and mother to you kids, but every now and then I look back on the girl I once was and remember the precious dreams I held so dear. I married so young, barely sixteen, and it seemed those dreams went up in smoke the minute your father slipped the wedding band on my finger. Little did I realize then that along with everything else you inherited from me—your blue eyes and blond hair—you’d be stuck with repeating my mistakes, too.
Look at my life, Lesley. Is this what you want for your future? Six kids and a husband who has a hard time holding down a job? A husband who has a harder time refusing a bottle. I look at Buck and I see your father all over again. It seems so clear to me now. You’re smart, just like I was back in high school. Don’t you know how proud I felt when you were invited to join the National Honor Society? Don’t throw away your dreams the same way I did!
Lesley, despite what your father insists, the thought of you marrying Buck leaves me shaking with fear. Look at me, sweetheart, because I’m terribly afraid that your future is my past. I’m pleading with you not to make the same mistakes I did. Think hard and long before you decide to marry Buck. I’ll deal with your father and do whatever I can to help you.
Love,
Mom
May 1st
Nick,
Meet me behind the snack booth on prom night.
Jillian
Lesley’s Diary
May 5, 1966
I felt my baby move for the first time and it surprised me so much that I stopped ironing and pressed my hand to my stomach. In the last few weeks, I thought that light fluttering might have been the baby, but there was no mistaking it this time.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. Mom wrote me a letter and said she was afraid I was making the same mistakes she did and urged me not to marry Buck. I wish I was stronger. Not physically but emotionally. Everyone’s pressuring me. Dad and Buck are adamant that marriage is the right thing. More and more, Buck acts like we’re already married. Just when I thought I could go away and have the baby in a home, I learned that Buck had enlisted in the Army—without any of the guarantees that will keep him out of Vietnam. He did it for the baby and me. He loves me, I know he does. I’m so afraid he’s going to end up fighting in that horrible war and all on my account.
So many people are against the war. There’s talk of a huge rally at the Washington Monument protesting our involvement. Now that Buck’s enlisted, I can’t turn my back on him. Even if I found the strength to go away to one of those homes, I’d never have the courage to give up my baby for adoption. But I can’t raise a child all by myself. Even though Mom would help me, there’s only so much she can do. I already know my dad’s thoughts on the subject. I feel like there’s no solution to this. Whatever I decide will bitterly disappoint one of my parents.
I finally told Jillian about the baby and she burst into tears. I wept, too, although I’ve long recovered from the shock. She’s sworn to secrecy. She knows if anyone at school ever found out, I wouldn’t be allowed to graduate. Like everyone else, Jillian wants to know what I plan to do, as though I had a limitless number of options. Dear God in heaven, how I wish I did! She broke up with Scott and although she didn’t say why, I knew it was over Nick Murphy. He’s all she thinks about.
Lately I’ve been listening to the radio, just lying on my bed and staring up at the ceiling. The Beatles have a song, “Eleanor Rigby.” I’m beginning to feel like the girl in that song. Susan comes in and talks to me and we cry together. If this was happening to her, she wouldn’t listen to either Buck or Dad. She’s always been stronger than me. I told her that, and she stunned me by crying. She said she’d drop out of school and get a job and support me and the baby if I asked her to. I couldn’t, but I love her all the more for offering. The other kids don’t know yet,
although I’m sure Mike suspects. We don’t talk about it. We can’t.
I saw Mom talking to Father Morris on Friday. I think she was talking about Buck and me. If we do marry, I want it to be in the Church. If I have anything to be grateful for, it’s that my parents didn’t kick me out of the house the way Mom’s parents did to her.
Jillian’s Diary
May 15, 1966
Prom Night
This had to be one of the most incredibly romantic nights of my life. Nick was waiting for me when I arrived at the football field and he was dressed in a suit, complete with tie and shiny new shoes. I was in my prom dress.
I lied to Mom and Dad about meeting Scott at the prom. They seemed a little suspicious that Scott wasn’t picking me up, but I explained that he couldn’t because he’s one of the King nominees. I hated lying, but they’d flip if they found out I was meeting Nick Murphy at the football stadium instead.
Nick set up his transistor radio and held out his arms to me and we danced beneath the stars. Just the two of us. He held me so close I could feel his heart beating. Even when a fast song came on, we danced slow, right through the commercials and everything. Neither one of us spoke for a long time.
After a while, he asked me what excuse I’d given Scott for not attending the prom. That was when I confessed I’d returned Scott’s class ring. I’ve never seen anyone’s eyes light up the way Nick’s did once I told him. It didn’t take him long to kiss me after that. Scott’s kissed me plenty of times. I’ve been kissed by other boys, too, but this is the first kiss I’ve felt from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I think Nick was just as surprised. We both trembled afterward, and he didn’t kiss me again until it was time to leave. All the while we were together, I kept thinking how silly it is that we’re meeting on the sly like this, but I didn’t say anything for fear of breaking the mood. I like Nick so much, but I’m worried about how my parents would react if they knew I was dating him, especially my dad. He’s got the wrong impression of Nick. I don’t know how to convince Dad what a wonderful man Nick Murphy is. I don’t dare say a word, but I hate deceiving my parents like this. It’s even worse to feel that I need to.