“Yeah, I get that. I guess I didn’t feel that way. She was my only life saver. Had it not been for Pea those first few weeks, I don’t know if I would have made it.”
“I wish you would have told me.”
“Why? You only cared about paying me.”
“I don’t know what to say to that. I’m an idiot. You’re right. I only wanted to use you to de-stress and focus on what was going on at work. It never worked like that, Makayla,” Blake said, walking toward me, “Not from the first time that I touched you. I knew I was playing with fire, but I didn’t care. I wanted to get burnt. I hadn’t been burned like that since Janie Lynn Holden walked into my dads’ school.”
“She was twelve?”
“Yes, we both were.”
“You lost your soulmate,” I stated when the microwave dinged.
“Maybe I found her,” Blake countered.
“Come on Pea, come and eat your chicken fingers,” I called, needing to think about that last comment. Blake was my sister’s husband. I had sex with my sister’s husband. Wasn’t that weird? If so… Why did I want to do it again? Why did I want to do it for the rest of my life?
Rather than remarking on the soulmate comment, I asked about my date, “What do you want me to do with Ryan?”
“I don’t know, just go and see if you pick up on anything. He’s up to something. He has been for months now. I just can’t figure it out.”
“He wants your office and your title.”
“Besides that. Ryan is a snake, he will do anything he can do to get ahead of me and come out on top. I’m ready to just give it to him.”
“Why does your mom live in Tennessee? Didn’t you grow up here in New York?”
“Yes. We came here when I was three. My dad came here to work for Conley. All of my family is back in Tennessee.”
“I feel like I need to talk to him. I need to forgive him for running out on me that day.”
“You should. This is going to be hard for Sarah, but she should know too.”
I agreed with that. What I didn’t know was how complicated my life was about to become. Nothing or no one was what they seemed. Except Pea of course. Wait. She wasn’t either, I decided watching her swim to her food from the floor. She was a fish. She was an imposter too.
Twenty Seven
Old springs squealed from the mattress when I sat straight up in bed. Of course! Why didn’t I figure that out? Why didn’t I know this? Ugh. I was so stupid. I jumped up and moved the curtain to see the darkness. Damn. It was still dark. My eyes darted to the digital numbers, informing me that it wasn’t even three in the morning yet. That was perfect.
After gathering my few belongings, I slid my hoodie over my head and walked out. Now to figure out where I was and which way to go. I looked up to the smoggy sky and asked my mother for the needed guidance, “Oh and check in on Pea for me too, would you?” I asked out loud when a homeless man approached and then passed me. Crazy seemed to be a good act at the moment. Few cars passed up and down the quiet city morning streets. The blacktop was wet from a rain I hadn’t heard during the couple hours of sleep I’d managed to obtain. Pressing the walk button on eighteenth, I looked at the city map. I was at least forty five blocks from KSTV. How long would that take?
Walking the copious amount of blocks to the television station, I wondered what would have happened had Blake and I put our heads together sooner.
***
I was like a mother hen with Pea by this time, especially when she cried for me not to go out. I didn’t want to leave her and I was afraid Blake wouldn’t know what to do with her. He didn’t know her routine like I did.
“Okay, he’s almost here. I’m going to head out,” I told Blake.
“I go too,” Pea exclaimed, running for shoes.
“No, baby. You have to stay with daddy. It’s bed time. He’s going to read you a story.”
“No, Mikki read a story.”
“Mikki has to go out for a little bit. I’ll be back in a little while.”
“Pea go too,” she whined. Blake picked her up and she cried for me. It melted my heart in to a warm puddle of goo. I took her from Blake’s arms and soothed her, rubbing her back, and promising to be back before she woke. It was the sweetest thing ever.
“Don’t kiss him,” Blake warned, taking Pea from my arms. I smiled and then smiled again when he leaned in and kissed me. Not a kiss, kiss, just a sweet goodbye kiss. And then I may have bribed Pea with chocolate. I couldn’t leave with her crying like that. The tears were breaking my heart.
“I can’t do this. Now I’m nervous to be around him,” I turned back.
“Yes you can. Act nervous. Who cares? He’ll love it. He’ll take it as a stamp on his ego. He loves to intimidate people. Here, let me see your phone.”
“What are you doing?”
“Putting this camera on the front of your screen. All you have to do is hit it and lay it down or hold it in your lap. Nobody will suspect a thing.”
To say I was nervous is an understatement. Ryan was no doubt up to something. He insisted on holding my hand while the host guided us to our awaiting table. A mirror covering a square post in the middle of the room permeated an image I didn’t recognize. Mikki Carlie wasn’t the girl that wore Beverly Hills dresses. I didn’t even know who that person was, being led by a man I didn’t even like. That’s when I looked up and stopped dead in my tracks. How could he do this?
“Oh, I forgot to mention that we were dining with another couple. I didn’t think you would mind.”
“No, it’s fine,” I lied. It wasn’t fine. Oh shit.
I looked to Barry Holden with the same shocked expression he looked at me with, and then to his beautiful wife. She wasn’t what I pictured her to be at all. I guess I thought of her like him, only an ice princess. She didn’t look cocky at all. She was pretty and favored like my mother.
I swallowed and held my breath. Oh boy. Here we go.
Mrs. Holden stood and took both of my hands, “It’s so nice to meet you. I never meet anyone from the office anymore. I’m Sarah,” she offered with a warm smile.
“Oh, I’m not from the office. I’m Mikki, I work for Blake,” I replied. I watched the expression go from thinking I was the cute new receptionist to being very interested.
“Blake? Are you in his office?”
“No, his house,” I nervously teased and even added the stupid laugh after it, “I’m his nanny. I take care of Pea. I mean London.”
“I see. Oh, have a seat,” Sarah said when it dawned on her that the rest of our party was waiting for the ladies to be seated. My eyes shifted to Barry’s, and he offered his Zazen name and his hand. Ryan pulled my chair out and I ordered a glass of Royal Grady. Holden looked at me with a frown and I conspicuously told him I didn’t know.
You would think it would have been awkward as hell, but it wasn’t. Not at all. Sarah and I had an instant bond. I knew she went through the same horrific pain that I did. I could see it in her eyes, I could tell. Ryan tried his best to keep Holden’s attention detained, but he was more interested in what I had to say. He paid close attention to the answers I gave his wife.
“So you work for Blake Coast?”
“Yes, I take care of his daughter.”
“London,” Sarah smiled. I smiled and nodded, “I haven’t seen London since her first birthday party and that was on KSTV. I guess I haven’t really seen her since she was a couple months old. What is she, three or so now?”
“Yes, she just turned three. I have pictures,” I boasted with my smart phone. I swiped photo after photo with my finger. Sarah commented on every single one of them. I explained how smart she was and how she had the best little personality. “If plan A doesn’t work, there’s twenty five more letters. That’s Pea. She’s so determined, but yet silly. She doesn’t let anything get the best of her,” I smiled, looking down at the photo of Pea cleaning up her own juice spill with the mop. I wasn’t nervous around Holden and Sarah at all. I saw
with my own eyes what Blake meant. Holden did love his wife.
I watched the way he looked at her, the way he held his hand over hers’ on the table and the way he smiled at her in admiration. I liked Sarah, but I still hated her husband. I can understand he had just gotten horrific news when I decided to let him know that it was a girl. I got that. It was all the other things he could have done that I couldn’t let go of. I went through it too. I know exactly what he went through, all the emotions he’s had to live through, the day by day struggles, and the fight he fought to get out of bed, every single day after that. I couldn’t imagine doing it without Pea. I probably would have died. What I didn’t get was why he couldn’t come back. Regardless of what happened to Janie, I was still there and he knew it.
I drank two glasses of wine and enjoyed the conversation with mostly Sarah. The piano player was amazing and the atmosphere was a little melodramatic. I felt an emotion that I couldn’t explain, maybe it was the dangling lights in the dark room, maybe it was the music, or maybe it was what was going on around me. The mood felt sad, gloomy, but in a good way if that makes any sense at all. It just felt weird.
Ryan watched the interaction carefully, especially when it was Holden speaking to me. He talked to me like a guidance counselor would at school, asking about my future plans, my goals and dreams. I answered his questions without trying to be, visibly rude and returned my conversation back to Sarah. Talking about the piano player with Sarah was easier than fighting with the eye rolls that plagued every one of Holden’s fake ass questions.
I was fine up until Sarah’s Whisper. My attention was drawn to the small Latino boy behind the keys and I felt what he felt. Flashes from Blake and me mixed with memories of my mom. I didn’t hear anything but Sarah’s Whisper, her silent voice, begging for a life in someone else’s hands.
“Excuse me,” I said, standing before the pianist got to the dying part at the end of the deep melody. I needed air. I needed out of there, away from the music, and away from the man who rejected me while my mother clung to her slipping life.
I walked out to the cool night air and sat on a bench. The crisp air burned when it filled my lungs and I tried to comprehend what just happened.
“I know who you are,” the familiar voice said right behind me.
“You do?” I asked, looking up to Sarah. I stayed seated in the middle of the bench when she sat next to me.
“Can I have a dollar, please, ma’am?” An elderly homeless woman asked just in front of me.
“I don’t have a dollar, but I have a coupon for of free big-macs. You can have this,” I offered, taking the coupon from my clutch. I tore it out of a newspaper I was looking at while I waited for Ryan, “It expires Saturday.”
“You’re a good soul, Makayla,” Sarah said, taking my hand.
“Who do you think I am?” I asked, looking over to the lady not much older than my own mother.
“You’re Barry’s daughter. He told me about it the day he saw you in the hotel dining room.”
“He knew before that.”
“I know. He told me you came to him the day my Janie died. He was trying to protect me. But I did know he had a love affair with your mother. I did know that much.”
“You did? And you’re okay with that?”
“I am now. That was a difficult time in our marriage. We were at a different time in our lives back then. I forgave him for that a long time ago. I am a firm believer in destiny. I believe there’s a reason for everything that happens on this earth. I truly believe that we had to go through that cycle in our marriage to get to this one. Maybe to have you,” Sarah shrugged. Like all the pain and suffering had a purpose. My mom had to have that summer romance with Holden to get me. She had to teach Janie how to play the piano so that she could meet Blake. She had to die in order for me to find Pea. Did I believe that? If that was the case, then what’s the point in all of it? Why go through all of this? For what? Life is so unpredictable.
“For Pea. I needed to be here for Pea,” I believed that too. The true princess was the only one who could feel the pea. The true princess was the one who showed the royals how it was what’s on the inside. The tattered soul that showed up at the door was the only one there that remained true. She was the only real one.
“Are you okay? We can go,” Ryan said from behind us. I’m not sure why he asked. His fancy car pulled up to the front of the restaurant as soon as he asked.
“I’d like to talk to you again. I would love to hear more about Janie,” I said, turning to Sarah.
“I would like that. I know you’re not ready, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him.”
I smiled at Sarah but didn’t reply. I didn’t know how. I wasn’t ready to do that yet. The open sores were still too fresh. Not that day.
Ryan pulled out into traffic, showing the city the power behind his car. My head hit the back of my seat from the sudden force. “You and Mrs. Holden seem to have hit it off. She’s a nice lady,” Ryan alleged. It wasn’t genuine the way it was when Blake said it. Blake sincerely cared about the Holden’s. Ryan I’m sure, did not.
“Yes, she’s very nice.”
“She is. So you feel okay? You want to go to my house for the night?” Ryan asked, moving his hand to the inside of my bare leg. Oh, hell no.
My hand went to his to keep him from moving up, “No, I’m not feeling well. I think I just want to call it a night.”
“I could make you feel better,” he offered, sliding his hand up my leg. I felt his thumb or something tickle just above my clit and pushed his hand away.
“I barely know you. I don’t even know what the sudden interest is. You never paid attention to me before.”
“Yeah, sometimes you have to be swept completely off your feet by a distraction you didn’t know was coming. You know what I mean?”
“No.”
Ryan laughed and moved his thumb up and down my leg, “We’re going to make an awesome team.”
“We are?”
“Absolutely. I have to go out of town tomorrow with Blake and Holden for a couple days, but I will be back on Wednesday. I’d like for you to meet my parents this weekend.”
“Why?” Ryan pulled me to the front doors of the hotel while I looked at him with a frown. Meet his parents? I jolted a little from the sound and the quick movement of his hand. His hand jerked the emergency break between us and he leaned into me. Great.
Ryan’s mouth met mine and he kissed me. Really, really kissed me. I pretended to enjoy it with my lips while my mind tried to get me to puke in his mouth. Gross.
“I’ll see you later,” I said, dashing out of his car.
Blake was livid. Geesh. He was really worried about me, “You’re done. You’re not doing that again. I’ll tell him to screw off myself. Why didn’t you answer your phone? I’ve been texting and calling for two hours. I was ready to come and find you.”
“My phone died. You made me record the whole thing. You’re right, Ryan is up to something.”
I handed over my phone and Blake went right to the video, “There’s no video, only a photo of the lights.”
“Shoot. I forgot to hit the other button. He didn’t say anything anyway, not about anything important; mostly work stuff. You’ll never guess who we ate with,” I exclaimed. I still couldn’t believe it myself.
“Who?”
“The Holden’s. You didn’t tell me Sarah was so nice.”
“Why? Ryan took you out to eat with Sarah and Holden?”
“Yes, he didn’t tell me. I was at the table before I even realized it. I wasn’t sure what to say. Sarah didn’t make me feel awkward at all. She was sweet. She knows who I am.”
“How did she know?”
“Holden told her after I met him in the dining room. She knew about the affair years ago after it happened.”
“She told you all of this in front of Ryan?”
“No, I had to walk out for some air and she followed me. She asked me to meet her for
lunch. I’m going to take Pea, she is going to love her.”
“That’s not a good idea. I don’t want Pea around Sarah.”
“Why? You already said she was the nicest woman you know. Why wouldn’t you want her around Pea?” I asked. I didn’t understand it. Why wouldn’t he want Pea around Sarah?
***
I waved my arm to a passing cab just in time for the rain to fall again, “KSTV station.”
“Which one lady?”
“Um, how many are there?”
“There’s two. You have the television station over on forty second or you have the radio station on Franklin. Which one?” The crabby old cab driver asked.
“Forty second,” I replied. I couldn’t understand it. Why did Farrah want her so bad? She was never a mother to her. She should have never been allowed to have a child. Ever.
The station took up a whole block and I had the driver let me out by the parking garage. I waited until the garage attendant leaned in to take a cash payment and crossed behind his little guard hut. The parking garage was dark except for the early riser, arriving at the station. I made a mental note not to ever work for a TV station, coming to work at this time every day would have to suck. Standing behind a concrete beam, I stared at the white sign, saving’s Farrah’s parking spot. What if she wasn’t there? No. She was coming. She had too. I’d wait it out for days if I had to. She would be there.
I turned to the other side of the beam when I watched the black Porsche pull right to the elevator. I should have known. But why? I waited for the powerful engine to speed off and called to her just before the doors shut.
I jumped inside the elevator behind Farrah and held her at baby M&M point. The round end of the candy tube stuck out of my hoodie pocket perfectly.
“What do you want?” Farrah asked, feeling the gun in the side of her ribs. I could see her shaking, she was scared. “I don’t have anything.”
“You have answers.”
“You! Where is my daughter?” Farrah questioned when she heard my voice. I dug the barrow of my candy in to her rib cage a little more, “Don’t shoot me. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. I didn’t even want to be a part of this.”