Blake’s eyes stayed glued to mine while he recalled Pea’s favorite book. I added my thoughts with a quiet serious tone, “And the princess was judged by the way she looked.”
“And the Princess felt the pea,” Pea said, hopping on one foot while the frog bounced in her arm. Blake and I both looked at her in awe.
“And so did the prince,” Blake said. I pondered what that meant. His eyes were lost in mine when he said it and I didn’t know what he was saying. Was he saying I was the princess and he felt me, or was he saying he felt Pea?
“Can we please talk? There’s something I have to tell you.”
“There’s something I have to tell you too.”
“There is?”
“Yes, do you want to go to the dining room?”
“No. Pea needs a bath. She’s holding a frog.”
“Oh, yeah. What should we do?”
“Did you always live in the city? Didn’t you ever get out and see the country? Pea, put it down now so he can go home to his mommy.”
“No, him go to his Mikki,” she countered, “Him a girl.”
Blake smiled at her and then me. Something was going on here and I liked it. I felt like things were turning around. Like Blake wasn’t the ass I thought he was. I felt like Blake felt the pea. His pea.
Pea played in the tub full of bubbles while Blake and I talked. I leaned against the sink and he straddled the toilet.
“You first,” he offered.
“No, you first.”
“Why do you always have to be so difficult? Who do you want to go first, Pea?”
“I want to go first,” Pea assured him while she placed a cow on the floating ark and raised her hand.
“Just go. You want to come clean with all the lies than come clean.”
I took a deep breath and pulled my legs up to an Indian position. The deep breath did little to calm my nerves and I did it again, “The day I ran into you on the sidewalk wasn’t the first time I met you.”
“It’s not?”
“No. Do you remember when you were in Chicago with Holden? It was the ground breaking ceremony.”
“Yeah, I remember that day very well.”
“But you don’t remember me?”
“No. I was a little distraught that day. Why should I remember you?”
“I was there to talk to Holden. He shoved me into a wall and told you to get me the fuck out of there.”
“Fuck,” Pea just had to go and repeat that.
“Now why is that the only thing you could repeat out of all of that?” I complained, hopping down to turn on the Disney radio station. Pea immediately started singing, head and shoulders, knees and toes.
“I remember doing that. That was you? Why were you there?”
“Why were you upset? You said you were distraught. You were. I remember the look on your face. Why were you mad?”
“I wasn’t mad. Why were you there to see Holden?”
I breathed loudly again, and spit it out, “It was all over the television. Zazen Resorts was taking over an entire block in New York. It was right after the cancer came back and my mom got sick. She knew he would be there that day for the ribbon cutting.”
“Who?”
“Barry Holden. She never called him Zazen.”
“He didn’t do that until after that day. Go on. Why did you want to see him so bad? Did your mom know him?”
“Yes. My mom and Barry had a thing for a summer. She got a summer gig, playing at a new hotel in Atlanta, Georgia. She stayed at a Zazen resort for six weeks, playing for the dining room guest. Barry was there a lot during those weeks with the grand opening and all.”
“If you’re about to tell me that Barry Holden cheated on his wife with your mother, I’m going to call you a liar again. There is no way in hell that happened. I’ve never seen a man love his wife as hard as Holden does.”
“You care about him. Why?”
“Just tell me what any of this has to do with Holden.”
“My mom took a day job working for the Holden’s. She loved Janie. She spent hours and hours teaching her how to play.” I looked up to see the long look on Blake’s face and questioned it, “What’s wrong?”
“Your mother taught Janie to play the piano?”
“Yes.”
I jumped up when I realized that Blake knew Janie too well, “Janie? Oh God. Please tell me you’re not Holden’s long lost son. Oh lord. Oh, shit.”
“What? No. Calm down. What the hell?”
“Oh, thank God. Janie Holden is my sister. I’m sure if you’re the CEO of Zazen, you’ve met her. My mom wanted me to know her. She wanted me to know him too.”
“Janie didn’t have a sister. She was an only child.”
“She’s not an only child.”
“You’re telling me you’re Zazen’s child?”
“Yes, well, my mom says so anyway.”
“I don’t know whether to believe you or not. Did you tell Zazen you were his child that day? The ribbon cutting day? Is that why he ordered me to get you out of there?”
“Yes. He was walking quickly toward the entrance when I stopped him. I didn’t know how else to do it. I just blurted it out and he rejected me. I was a fourteen year old girl and I was all alone, scared to death and he told me not to ever contact him again.”
Blake got up and walked to the window, running his fingers through his messy hair. He looked worried, “I’m going to shower. Let’s talk about it later.”
“Do you want to cook something?” I asked.
“What? Cook something?”
“Yeah, my mom always did that. She tried to get me to do it when I was stressed. She said it would keep me off drugs. I don’t do drugs, but I’m not Suzie Homemaker either,” I said, trying to lighten the mood, “I can make noodles.”
“Janie used to tell me that. I used to get so mad at her because she would cook an entire meal at three o’clock in the morning. ‘Cooking or drugs?’ she would tell me when I complained.”
“My mom said that,” I smiled. I knew Janie took that from my mom. For whatever reason, it humbled me to know that my mom left that silly little legacy. That she did make an impact whether it was clear or not.
“Why were you with her at three in the morning?”
“She was my wife.”
Blake put his head down and walked out. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that. I guess I had Janie pegged as a seven year old little girl the way my mom described her to me. Not a grown woman in a kitchen married to Blake. My sister was married to Blake. Wow. But what about Pea? I turned my attention to her, climbing out of the tub and wondered how the hell Blake went from someone who remembered something my mother told her at seven, to having a child with Farrah Brighton. Was Blake’s wife like that? Was Janie a bitch like Farrah? I could only presume that from the way she was raised around money, and from the people I’d met in New York.
Twenty Six
“Farrah Brighton,” I audibly spoke to the quiet room. I looked at the art work on my arm and wondered what if. I didn’t know what I was doing, but every avenue was better than nothing. So far, that was all I had.
The plastic carton of rice bounced in the bottom of the tin when I looked to the time. I pulled back the covers and snarled my nose at the pillow. I hated hotels, especially ones like this, where the sheets may or may not be clean. I didn’t remove my new clothes. I wasn’t taking any chances.
Laying on my side, I watched the open sign blinking from the window. It started with the O and made its way down to the N, except the P was burned out. The unlit P made me think of Pea and I whispered that I loved her. I had to keep thinking about what got me there to keep from wondering if she was sleeping. I hated the thought of her crying for me. It broke my heart, and it wasn’t going to do either of us one bit of good for me to lay there and think the worst. I chose to think about the brownies we made instead.
***
Pea was young enough that Blake and I didn’t w
orry about talking in front of her. She was too busy mixing ingredients and making a mess.
“Crap. I forgot about Ryan,” I announced, looking to my phone, “He’s supposed to pick me up at eight.”
“Why are you going out with Ryan? Ryan doesn’t care about you. He’s up to something.”
“I was afraid not to go out with him.”
“Why? What do you mean?”
“I think he knows who Holden is, but he hasn’t said so yet. He’s just all of a sudden interested in me.”
“He’s not interested you. There’s something else.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, but there is. Ryan is not into you. I know him.”
“How do you know Ryan?” I asked, keeping Pea from licking egg yolk from a fork.
“Ryan knew Janie. They went to the same college.”
“How did you know Janie?”
“Janie spent summers at Conley. My father taught her to play the piano. She was a natural at it, I think she taught him as much as he taught her. I’ve known Janie since we were twelve. She insisted on coming there every summer. That girl had Barry Holden wrapped so tight around his finger it wasn’t even funny.”
“You were in love with her at twelve?”
Blake smiled with the happy memory, “Yes. We were Blake and Janie. Every summer until my father died was spent playing the piano with Janie. My dad always told her he couldn’t teach me a lick until she showed up out of nowhere.”
“Okay, they’re all done now,” Pea announced, wiping chocolate down her clean shirt.
“No, we have to bake them. Go get a clean shirt,” I said, pulling her soiled one over her head and quickly wiping away chocolate with a rag while she jerked her face away.
I started cleaning up the mess when Pea bounced away on a mission. “You’re just like I pictured Janie would be with her. She would call her Pea too.”
“Then why the hell would you have a child with Farrah Brighton?”
“That’s a whole other story,” Blake assured me, taking one long step to me. I wasn’t, expecting him to touch me. It took me off guard.
“I’m in love with Janie’s sister,” Blake quietly spoke like he’d just realized it. He moved his hands and pinned me between him and the island.
“You are?”
“Yes. I am.” And that was our first kiss. Blake’s lips brushed mine; lightly at first. My hands clammed up, my saliva dried, and the butterflies swarmed in my stomach. My lips parted when he tilted his head and our tongues, longingly entwined. My body fell into Blake’s and I moaned in his mouth. The sensations between my legs were instant and the unexplainable emotion flooded my body.
“Hey, that my Mikki,” Pea complained, coming between us. Our lips broke contact in bouts, three to be exact. Blake pulled his lips away from mine three times before we could finally comprehend that we had a three year old pulling on our legs.
“I have to talk to Zazen about you.”
“I feel like things are going to get messy. I don’t want to hurt his wife, but I want Barry Holden to die a slow painful death. Just like my mother did.”
“No you don’t. You watched that happen, you wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”
I sighed and lifted a jealous Pea to my hip, “No, but he’s still a horrible, horrible person. What happened to your wife? What happened to Janie?”
“Janie died of cancer on Saturday January 5th 2010. Do you know why that date is so significant?” Blake asked.
“Why, Blake?” I asked, walking to the sofa with Pea. I flipped the television on and she slid across the coffee table on her belly to watch Dora. I remembered that day. I would never forget that day. I had to go back and tell my mother that Barry Holden told me never to contact him again. “Why is that date so important to you?”
“Because that was the day you told Holden he was your dad. Janie was doing great. She was eating, her color was good, and she wanted us to go. Not just me. She wanted her mom, her dad, and me to go to Chicago for the groundbreaking ceremony. We’d watched her being so sick for so long. She wanted us to get away from it. We all protested, but she insisted and the doctor assured us she wasn’t getting any worse and her vitals were good. She had a—,” Blake cleared his throat, using his fist to beat the words lose in his chest. He was pretty choked up. This was hard for him. “Janie had a bleed in her brain and they couldn’t stop it.”
“She died the day I went to tell Holden?”
“Yes, we were standing in a crowd of people, laughing and joking one minute, and running from the room the next. Holden took the call. I’ll never forget it. I was standing around a few of the investors and their wives when I saw Holden’s face. He looked around the room for Sarah and walked right to me. I knew with everything in me, my wife had just died. She was waiting for us all to leave.
“That makes me very sad. I didn’t know. I didn’t know he lost his only child the same day I told him he had another one. No wonder he rejected me.”
“Sarah had just left the room to go the ladies room. We ran out of the room to find her. I went one way and Holden went the other. I met him back where I’d left him and he had a young girl against the wall.”
“Me.”
“Yeah. That’s when he shoved you toward me and told me to get you the fuck out of there. I didn’t ask questions at the time because I didn’t care. I was in a daze. Everything was a fog. I don’t even know if I said one word to you.”
“You didn’t. You just escorted me out and walked away from me.”
“I was in shock.”
“Obviously. I feel bad now. Damnit. But, he could have come back. He could have found me. My mother begged me to talk to him on a daily basis. She was so afraid of me being alone,” I explained, more for my benefit than his. I was just trying to make sense of all of it. “At least he had good reason to throw me away that day. That’s something, right?”
“Zazen would never do that.”
“Yes he would. He did. Pea, don’t do that. Remember what happened the last time?” I asked, watching her spin in circles on the coffee table. She stopped and I went to the DVR, found a movie and hit play, trying to keep the commercials away.
“Yeah that,” she called when I hit play on Wreck it Ralph for the thousandth time. She was such a tomboy.
“What?” I asked, looking back to Blake. He was staring over at me from the chair, looking as lost as I felt.
He leaned back with bewilderment and said, “I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. I just keep thinking about Sarah. This would kill her. I can’t believe Holden cheated on her. It’s so out of his character. He’s still very much in love with his wife.”
“Well I can assure you that he did. At least that’s what my mother says. And I assure you, she’s never lied to me.”
“When did she die?”
“May 28th 2014.”
“You came here in May,” Blake frowned.
“Yeah, I came here the day she died. The day I crashed into you was because I was running. I was running from the hospital before they ever had her in the morgue”
“Are you serious? Oh my God, Makayla. There never was an ex-boyfriend? None of those tears were from an ex-lover? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know.”
“What were you doing there?”
I shrugged both shoulders, “I was coming to find Holden. He was the only one I could think of to be mad at. He could have helped us. He has plenty of money and my mother never asked him for one penny of it. He could have helped. We lost our house when the medical bills took over our life.”
“Zazen would have helped you, Makayla. He’s not like that. Well, he wasn’t. Life’s cruel curve balls have hardened him a little, but even if he didn’t know you, he would have helped. This will kill Sarah. I don’t think we should say anything. I can’t believe he didn’t tell me.”
“Are you close to him?”
“Probably closer than anyone else. He sticks to himself
most of the time. Of course Ryan is always kissing his ass.”
“Ass.”
“Why do you do that?” I asked, smacking Pea’s butt in front of me on the coffee table. She ignored me. Why is the bad words the only one she hears?
“You’re so good with her.”
“That’s because she deserves it. I want to know why Farrah. I hate her.”
“I hate her too,” Pea decided, moving to my lap.
“Don’t say that.”
“You say it,” she accused.
“But I’m big and you’re little. You sit here and watch cartoons. I’m going to fix you lunch, before you fall asleep.”
“I not go to sleep,” she assured me. Pea looked around me to see her cartoon when I sat her on the couch.
“I have to feed her before she falls asleep. Speaking of Ryan, he’s expecting me to meet him downstairs. What should I tell him?”
“What if you went?”
“You want me to go out with Ryan now?” I asked, retrieving the leftovers from the night before. We were supposed to eat in our woods, but I didn’t want to go anymore and Pea wasn’t mentioning it.
“Ryan’s up to something. Something is going on and I can’t seem to figure out what.”
“Other than he wants your job.”
“And you.”
“He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t even pay attention to me.”
“Ryan wants anything I have. Always has.”
“Why? Where does he come in? How did he end up at Zazen too?”
“Janie got him the job. Ryan also wanted Janie.”
“Ryan wants your job. He doesn’t think you deserve it.”
“Oh, I know. He always has, but he’s trying to get in good with you for some reason. He’s trying to lure you to his side and he thinks you hate me. He’ll use that.”
“I did hate you. You’re not a very good parent.”
“I know. It’s because I didn’t feel her. I was afraid to. What if she leaves too? I can’t do that again.”