The rest of the day crept by slowly. I had decided that unpacking Addy and I's belongings would be a good way to keep my mind off everything, or at least slow it down a little bit. I started in the kitchen, unpacking our eclectic dinnerware and tired old pots and pans. It was difficult, at first, keeping myself tethered to the house and not going across the yard to talk to Dammon. I missed him already. But I missed Sean, too.
And I also missed Bane.
It felt like forever had passed since Bane had come to me in my dreams. Maybe he believed me when I told him that I hated him and never wanted to see him again.
Oh, please, Bane! Please don't believe me!
He wouldn't. Bane had always known me even better than I'd known myself. Of course he knew I didn't hate him or want him to go away.
So then, where was he?
I realized how stupid this was. Bane was not real. As difficult as it was sometimes to convince myself of this, he did not exist. Maybe Bane was a temporary companion, something I had concocted to appease my loneliness. And now that I had Sean, I didn't need Bane. This made a lot of sense, but it just didn't feel right.
I finished unpacking the kitchen and then gathered the empty boxes and set them outside on the porch. The living room was next. Since Addy and I hardly owned anything, the living room would be easy.
I thought about what Addy and I owned, as I dove into box number one and pulled out a glass vase. Barron was filthy rich. His house was beautiful and big and filled with expensive things. And here we were, living in a run-down trailer house with thrift store dishes, curb-side furniture and an empty refrigerator. It just didn't seem fair!
But I would rather have nothing at all than be back there, in Barron's prison of horrors.
Addy's laughter filled the living room. At first I thought she was laughing inside my head, laughing at my thoughts, but then I turned to find her coming in the door with a tall, thin man who was laughing with her. I hadn't met Addy's boyfriend, so I was only assuming that this was him. Addy was supper-model beautiful, which made this odd looking man look so out of place beside her.
"Luna! I'm so glad you're here," Addy said, excitedly. I rolled my eyes at her, because --yeah right-- Addy was never excited to see me. I ignored her and went back to unpacking.
"Luna, this is Doug," she spoke to my back. Irritated by Addy's sudden invasion, I turned back around and let out an audible, exaggerated sigh. Doug held out his hand for me to shake, but I did not take it. The man was paper thin and supper tall. He had golden hair that sat in a sideways pile at the top of his elongated head. He had big, bright blue eyes that seemed to bug-out of his elongated face. But despite his dork-like appearance, Doug radiated something warm and friendly. He seemed to be glowing from the inside out. The big smile that stretching from ear-to-ear didn't even fade when I refused to shake his hand.
Instantly, I was curious about him. I couldn't help but wonder if maybe Doug was a gentle man, like Dammon was.
"Doug is a preacher man from out west," Addy said. She was smiling, too. I took a moment to pay a little closer attention to her now. She looked different. Maybe it was the smile. I couldn't remember having ever seen Addy so happy. Even her wispy, auburn hair seemed to be smiling. I took another look at Doug, even more curious now.
Maybe gentle men did exist! But if they did, what were the chances of meeting two of them in just a few days apart?
Luna, you haven't gotten out much in the past seventeen years! You have no idea what the real world is like. There could be gentle men in overabundance on this earth.
I almost laughed. I doubted this very highly.
"A preacher? And what exactly is that?" I asked.
"Someone who teaches the gospel. It's nice to finally meet you, Luna. Your mother has told me so much about you," he said. He had a strong, loud voice that was almost annoying. I was trying to find things not to like about him, but other than his appearance, and the loud voice, I had nothing. Yet.
"I'm sure she did." I cut my eyes at her. "Did she happen to mention that I was a whore? All the drugs and alcohol I get into? How about the fights? I like to fight. I'm pretty much a bitch. A heartless one," I said. Then I went back to minding my own business, setting the vase Addy had gotten from my grandmother in the window sill next to the ratty couch, where the light coming in through the window could play through the strands of black that slithered through the opaque cream like gooey darkness.
"Luna! Shame on you! How could you be so rude?"
I pulled out a few picture frames from the box, trying to ignore her. I had to literally bite my tongue to keep from asking her if she even knew the definition of rude. In my opinion, it was Addy who was rude. Staying with a man who abused her daughter was rude. Turning her cheek and pretending not to notice, was rude. Not to mention, blaming me for having to leave the love of her life. I thought that was kind of rude. But my teeth, grinding hard into my tongue, kept me from telling her these things.
"It's alright, Adeline. We will sit down and talk about this later. Right now, we better be going or we will be late," Doug said. He earned brownie points from me. I liked later. Because later hardly ever came, in situations such as these.
"Stay home, Luna," Addy warned, in her parental tone. "If you are not here when I get home I will pawn that horrible motorcycle of yours." Addy was whisked back out the door. As soon as the door closed behind her, I whirled around on a heel and chucked a picture frame across the room. It hit the door and shattered into pieces. I stood there, staring at the mess I'd made, knowing, with every fiber of my being, that Addy would never understand the damage she had done. By allowing my father to do those things to me, made it half her fault that I had become a monster, and that the demons lived within me.
I dropped my chin. Cold, clammy gloom settled inside me.
I had to get out of there.
I knew Sean was supposed to be coming for me, but I just couldn't wait for him any longer. I grabbed a new notebook from the kitchen drawer, stuffed a pen in my pocket and left the house in a hurry.
In my gloomy daze, I made my way to Oak Park. But instead of sitting at the river bank and writing as I had intended, I climbed down the part of the bank that took me to the bottom of the dam. The grass was tall. The weeds were thick and lush. I placed the notebook on a rock and took in the sights and smells around me. The scent of fish, moss and mud permeated the air. It was a familiar smell. One that had therapeutic qualities for me. The water fell straight down, crashing into the lower part of the river, causing a cool spray of white, frothy, bubbly Moss-rain. She calmed herself down quite drastically as she writhed her way down-stream toward the bend, where her roaring voice quieted to a more soothing burble.
She reminded me of myself, how she moved in various ways and forms. Ever-changing. Never quieted.
I scanned the river's edge for signs of a water-logged notebook, but saw nothing that resembled such a thing. I walked along the water's edge to search the areas invisible from afar, but stopped at the bend in the river, deciding that if it wasn't here it certainly wouldn't be any further down the river. There were so many rocks at the bend. My notebook would have gotten stuck. I knew this partially because the places within me that slowed to a crawl seemed to be where things got stuck. These things would wedge themselves in, like splinters, and fester there for a very long period of time.
I returned to my new notebook, trying to ignore the awful ache in my body, and sat in the grass and the mud.
I needed Sean. I needed him to take this ache away.
I needed Bane. Bane was home. Bane was who made me whole. Bane was my everything.
I needed Dammon. I needed to rob him of some of his peace. I needed to know that there was such a thing as a gentle man, that the world was not all darkness and misery.
I opened to the second page, pulled the pen from my pocket and words just spilled out of me, leaking from my pen and onto the paper with an un-damming vengeance.
She stood before the raging beast
/> And combed his wild hair
She faced his fury, eye-to-eye
To bleed, so she did dare
Dance, she did, with demons dark
She'd bathed them in her light
Tasted, yes, the devil's tongue
And danced for his delight
Upon his lips, a blackened soul
A many kiss she'd placed
Poisoning her everything
How bitter sour, his taste
She'd stood before the fires of hell
To sweetly lick his flame
Selflessly, she reached, she touched
She burned in bitter pain
And now she lies here, silently
She'd crawled away to hide
Tortured and so violated
Dead and dark inside
She dreams of him, The Wizard Wise
Who waves his magic wand
Who rides the night on dragon's tail
True love bestowed upon
She dreams of him, The Wizard Wise
Whose face she cannot see
To wake would mean to never find
A love, eternally
And so she'll sleep, forever long
For there, with him, she'll be
While demons drag her flesh and bones
Her heart and soul are free
Without pause, I wrote nine more words and drew a question mark behind them.
How can I love three men at one time?
Writing those last nine words was something like Automatic Writing. I had no idea they were going to leak from my pen.
I stared at the sentence as if it was a poisonous snake. I didn't realize that I was in love with any man, let alone three men at the same time. But technically, Bane didn't count, right? He wasn't a man. He wasn't even real. He was a---
What the freak was he?
A demon? An Angel? A demonic angel?
And what about Sean? Was this true? I loved Sean?
And Dammon too?
Oh, dang, it was true---
This was awful! I was awful. I was a three-timer!
I lifted my head, believing if I didn't have to look at the words anymore the truth would lift away and be gone. Then I wouldn't have to love anyone.
Something in the corner of my eye caught my attention. I looked up at the rope bridge and saw Sean, leaning on his forearms against the rope rail. He was staring down at me. I quickly closed the notebook to hide its contents, only to figure out that there was no way Sean could read my words from as far away as he was.
But then again, I saw him do some pretty amazing stuff. Maybe he did read what I had written.
My heart sped up a little with the possibility that Sean now knew how I felt about Dammon.
I waved at him, pretending I wasn't guilty of anything, and I smiled a smile that said I didn't love three men. But Sean didn't wave back at me. He only stared at me.
It was silly to believe that Sean could have read what I had written, so I was actually able to easily, almost effortlessly, convince myself of this.
Two of Sean's fingers curled, gesturing me to go to him. I hesitated, wondering what I would do with the notebook. I pushed off the ground and started back up the riverbank. Half way up, I stopped and glanced up at the rope bridge. It was now obscured by the tall grass and weeds. Sean couldn't see me from there. I quickly ripped the pages out and crumpled the paper into a ball. I knelt down and stuffed the wad into the loose, wet earth, burying it in the ground. I tossed the notebook into the grass then continued on my way, hoping I wasn't wrong about Sean reading what I had written.
What would he do if he knew that I thought I was in love with Dammon and Bane?
****
Chapter Fourteen
Luna