It wasn’t long—minutes, hours, I didn’t know—until I began to pray for death.
“Please . . .” I writhed around, clutching the bedsheets. Matthias had helped me upstairs to the bedroom where I was now. It was dark and cool in there but it didn’t make any difference.
He grabbed my face. “Open your eyes, Jillian.”
I whimpered and tried to do as he asked. Tears blurred my vision but I could see enough to realize he looked grim.
“Can you survive this?” he asked.
I shook my head. “No. It’s too much. Kill me . . . please kill me.”
His jaw tightened and he swore under his breath. “That’s not an option.”
Then he was gone, leaving me there alone. The pain came in waves, I was either screaming or I was in shallow recovery for a few seconds before it crashed over me again.
Then I felt his hand at the back of my head, lifting me up. “Look at me, Jillian.”
He wiped at my eyes with a tissue so I could see him clearer.
“Can you make the pain go away?” I asked.
“Yes. But I need to influence you.”
I just nodded and felt his gaze deepen as if he was reaching right inside of me. It was a strange drawing sensation deep in my gut and it made the pain intensify to a white-hot peak.
“No—what are you doing?” I clutched at him, unable to look away from his gray eyes, hearing pathetic sputtering noises coming from myself.
“It’s all right, Jillian. It’s going to be all right. I won’t let you die. Not like this.”
“But, why—”
“This will help you. Drink.” He pressed a glass to my lips and tilted it back. I coughed and choked but managed to swallow a few mouthfuls. “Now rest. I’ll check on you later.”
He finally broke the influence he’d had over me, which didn’t feel as if it had helped at all. I watched him walk out of the room, glass in hand. A moment after I heard the click of the door closing behind him, my vision closed in on either side of me and I finally slipped into blissful unconsciousness.
WHEN I WOKE THE PAIN WAS GONE. AT LEAST, THE searing agony caused by the fusing potion was. I still felt the emotional pain from watching Declan leave with a promise to never come back.
It was over. He’d had his say. I never realized how he felt about this situation. I’d fooled myself into believing there was more between us than a bodyguard and his current charge. He managed to set me straight about that.
Still, I fought it, trying to rationalize things that made no sense. According to his last words to me, Declan didn’t care what I did or who I did it with.
Fine. So be it.
He hadn’t been here when I’d been close to death. He hadn’t held my hand while I plunged face-first through the worst pain I’d felt to date. That had been Matthias. His influence, or whatever he’d done to me, had helped a great deal. For that I’d be grateful to him for pretty much forever.
Declan said he’d never leave me. Well, here I was alone. He’d lied to me after promising not to do that. I was on my own and I had to make this work. Since it looked as if I was still breathing, I’d have to find a way to make sure I continued to do that now and into the future.
I was going to see my sister again. I set an image of her in my head, clear as the last time I’d seen her. She looked a lot like me—the old me. Blond, blue-eyed, smiling. She was my goal. When I saw Cathy again, I could finally breathe a sigh of relief and know for certain I’d managed to survive this. Until that moment, I had to keep fighting.
A glance at the clock told me it was nearly noon, meaning I’d slept for more than twelve hours. I brushed my teeth and showered, relishing the feel of the hot water beating into my aching body. My brain worked much better when I wasn’t covered in blood. From my tote bag I retrieved my one change of clean clothes—thin black yoga pants and a canary yellow tank top. My stomach growled and I braced myself for more pain, but nothing came. It only indicated that I was hungry.
Downstairs I cringed as I saw Noah sitting on the ceramic tiles of the foyer. Matthias had tied his wrists firmly to the staircase railing. He stared at me as I passed by, giving him a wide berth. He didn’t pull at his bindings or struggle to free himself, but I knew he could smell me. The veins I recognized as a sign of a vampire’s hunger were a visible web over his entire face and grew darker when I got closer to him.
His breathing was rapid, panting, almost like a dog’s. His eyes were still black and vacant.
Was this normal for a fledgling? Matthias said something like that last night. I scanned the downstairs to see if Matthias was around to ask him more about it, but I didn’t see him anywhere.
Kristoff wanted to create many fledgling vampires in his quest to take over humanity. There would be thousands, millions, of fledglings that would have the same control as Noah did right now. Vampires who couldn’t be reasoned with, who only wanted to feed, not much better than monster dhamps.
The thought scared the shit out of me and only made everything more real.
It made my heart ache to know I’d made the decision that changed Noah into this thing that wore his face, but was nothing like the Noah I’d come to know.
“Noah,” I said quietly. “Are you in there? Please, tell me if you are.”
Those black eyes moved to my face. He sniffed the air and his veins grew darker. He finally strained against his bindings as he tried to reach for me. “Blood.”
I covered my mouth with my hand and choked back a sob. This was a mistake. I never should have done this to somebody I claimed to care about. If I’d known what it would do—
“Jill . . .” It was a softer spoken word this time. Noah’s brows had drawn together as if he was feeling some pain of his own.
I inhaled and it sounded very shaky. “Noah, is that really you?”
He gave me a small nod. “Wh-where’s Declan?”
“He’s gone.” It was all I said, and I forced myself to twist my pain into anger again. I’d have to do that every time I thought of him from now on or I was seriously going to lose it.
Noah moaned and it sounded broken. “He hates vampires. He hates me now.”
“No, don’t say that. He doesn’t.”
“He’s going to kill me.”
“I won’t let him.”
He let out a quiet shaky laugh. “I’d like to see you try to stop him.”
I took a couple steps closer to him.
“Stay back,” Matthias warned from behind me. I wasn’t sure where he’d come from, but it was inside the house since I knew he couldn’t go out during daylight hours. Vampires didn’t burn up from letting sunlight hit their skin, but the sun did fry their eyes and make them go blind. Dark sunglasses allegedly made no difference at all.
I crossed my arms. I felt uncomfortable and awkward and scared as well as feeling a strange welling of gratitude toward him for helping me last night. I did my best to hide all of the above since none of it was the least bit helpful.
“Why, Jill?” Noah asked. The veins faded a little. He didn’t have to elaborate on what he meant.
“Because—” I bit my bottom lip. “Because I didn’t want you to die. I was selfish and stupid and seeing you bleeding so badly after that vampire attacked you was killing me.”
Another barely audible snort. “You’re such a softy.”
“That’s me.”
He grimaced. “You have no idea what you smell like to me now, do you?”
I shook my head. “You need to control it, Noah. I know you can do it. If you bite me—”
“I’ll die. Got that.”
“So . . .” I sniffed and wiped my hand under my nose. “Just suck it up and deal with this. We need you to not flake out on us.”
“Bitch.”
“That’s right.”
He looked up at me balefully, and those black eyes were freaking me out. “Well, on the plus side I won’t age a day over twenty-four. It’s my birthday today.”
I press
ed my lips together for a moment as I tried not to break down right in front of him. “Happy birthday.”
He laughed a little louder at that. “Wish I could say I craved some birthday cake. I had no idea that the scent of blood was like fucking crack.”
I forced myself to turn away from him and started up the stairs. “I’m sorry, Noah.”
“Don’t be sorry. Just . . . be careful when you’re around me, okay? I don’t know how well I can handle this.” He sounded scared and worried.
I nodded. “Careful’s my middle name.”
He smiled, which looked more like a grimace, and squeezed his eyes shut. I took that as a good exit line and quickly made my way up the stairs, running by the time I got to the top.
He was going to be fine. He was. I refused to believe otherwise.
11
UPSTAIRS I STARED OUT OF THE BEDROOM WINDOW that faced the street. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting to see.
Declan didn’t come back.
I hated waiting. It was one of my least favorite things in the world. And yet everything was a wait. Standing in line to buy coffee in the morning, commuting to work in rush-hour traffic, waiting for a table in a busy restaurant. I wasn’t the most patient person ever born, that was for sure. But no matter how long I waited right now, I knew he wasn’t coming back. I’d crossed a line with him that I hadn’t even known was there. His anger over it had triggered his uncontrollable dhampyr rage. And he’d left because of it, both to protect me and to get the hell away from me.
When my parents had died, the pain I felt had twisted into something darker that eventually made me want to hurt myself in order to make that pain end. I hadn’t known how to deal with the depth of my grief after losing them in the plane crash. So fast, so unexpected.
This was the closest I’d come to feeling like that again. Lost and alone.
I stared in the bathroom mirror and pushed my black hair behind my ears. I’d always been a blonde until the Nightshade took over. My hair had been platinum when I was born, and darkened over time, but I kept it light thanks to regular trips to the salon. I lived in California; it was practically required of me to be beach blond if I could be. The black hair didn’t suit me that well. I thought it made me look too pale and gaunt.
It had the same silky texture as before, though, and fell long and straight to the middle of my back. It smelled the same—at least to me. But apparently it was now infused with the scent of Nightshade and helped lure vampires to me as it triggered their hungers.
It was dangerous to have hair like this, especially around Noah. He couldn’t control himself right now so I had to help him any way I could.
Frantically, I began to forage through the medicine cabinet until I found a pair of scissors. I held a lock of hair between the blades then squeezed them together. A long piece of black hair fell to the sink. It was satisfying to see it laying there.
Just before I started hacking the rest of my hair off a hand came over mine, stopping me.
“That’s not necessary,” Matthias said. He’d surprised me. I hadn’t seen him enter the bathroom. He did have a reflection in the mirror—vampires not having reflections was only a myth—but it was dark in here with the shades drawn over the tiny window and he was very stealthy.
Sneaky was more like it.
My knuckles whitened on the scissors. “I need to cut it off.”
“No you don’t.” He took them completely out of my hands. “I like your hair just as it is.”
I wiped my tears away and glared at him. “Why can’t you leave me alone?”
“If I’d left you alone last night you would have died.”
I faltered. I knew he was right about that. “Whatever you did helped me last long enough for the fuser to start working properly. Thank you.” I tried to slow my breathing after I’d been close to breaking down just now. It took me a minute. “A vampire’s influence, it’s like hypnosis.”
“A lot like that. Only different.”
I snorted a little. “Houdini would be jealous.”
“Oh, he was.”
Something else to focus on right now was a good thing. “You don’t do much magic other than the occasional death-defying act?”
He raised an eyebrow. “I could produce a quarter from your ear if I was so inclined, but I don’t think either of us is in much of a mood for tricks at the moment. You’re feeling better now, I hope?”
I went still and silent for a moment, trying to sense any aches and pains or warnings that this was just the lull before another storm. But there was nothing. “Much. It’s kind of strange. I feel better than I have in a long time. There’s usually a cloud over me, an achiness, even with the fuser working properly. But that’s lifted.”
“Good.”
I raked a hand through my freshly washed hair that he’d stopped me from chopping off. “Declan’s gone.”
“It was the right thing for him to do. Violent outbursts like what happened earlier will become the norm for him soon.”
I chewed my bottom lip. “You said that you knew how to help him.”
“He’s gone. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Were you lying just to find out where Sara is, or is there really a way? You said I wouldn’t like the answer, but I still want to know.”
The line of his jaw tightened. “He never would have agreed to it. Not after seeing Noah like this.”
I frowned, trying to understand. But then I did, and the thought chilled me. “The only way to save him is for him to become a vampire, isn’t it?”
Matthias nodded.
I squeezed my eyes shut. I’d hoped for a potion or a drug. Anything but that.
“He’d never agree to it,” Matthias said, voicing my thoughts.
I opened my eyes. “No, he wouldn’t.”
“He despises vampires.”
“More than anything.”
“Sorry I couldn’t win him over with my charming ways. He hated me even more than the others, I think. I figured it was jealousy since it’s so obvious that you desire me.”
I remembered what Declan said before he left. He’d believed the same thing. “I’m not even going to justify that with a response.”
“Why do you deny it, Jillian? It grows tiresome.”
This was the absolute last thing I wanted to think about or discuss right now. I’d denied it ever since what happened between us in his chambers. It hadn’t been real. It hadn’t been anything more than vampiric hypnosis. And yet, standing here with the man who’d taken away my pain after Declan had left me all alone, my arguments seemed to be futile.
He approached so he stood directly behind me, so close it made me more nervous than I already was. “I must admit, I’m a little surprised.”
I looked at him cautiously in the reflection. “About what?”
“I could have sworn the dhampyr cared about you.”
I blinked hard and looked down at the lock of my hair in the sink. My throat thickened. “I guess you were wrong.”
I jumped when I felt him brush the long hair back off my shoulder. “What are you doing?”
“Testing myself.”
That immediately got my guard up again. I turned around to face him, but he didn’t step back to give me space, making me press back against the counter so I wouldn’t be touching him. If he had noticeable body heat I’d be able to feel it sinking into me by now.
“Why do you want to test yourself?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“I’m not in the mood for games right now, Matthias.”
“Me neither.” He tangled his fingers into my hair. His eyes had darkened and the thin, dark veins appeared along his cheeks and jaw. I didn’t think he was going to bite me. He was the only vampire I knew who had self-control around me. It gave me a chance to study his hunger closer up. It was just as scary as it looked at a distance.
“Bite me and you know what’s going to happen,” I warned. “You’re not immortal anymore.”
“I know.”
My hands gripped the cool edge of the counter. “Then why are you doing this?”
“You mean, why do I let myself get so close to you?”
“Yes.”
“Like I said, I’m testing myself.”
I swallowed hard. “I remember the last time you tested yourself. It didn’t go so well.”
His lips curled. “I’d have to disagree with you there. The taste of your body is a memory I find difficult to forget.”
My cheeks heated at the reminder. “You forced me to desire you.”
“Desire can’t be forced. Acquiescence is another matter altogether. But since you specifically remember desiring me, I’ll take that as a compliment.”
His words only worked to worry me more than I already was. I wanted to deny this pull I felt toward Matthias. But it was there and it felt stronger than ever at the moment. It scared me that he brought out a part of me that did want him despite my better judgment.
“I heard what he said to you outside. My hearing’s very good. Hope you don’t mind that I was listening.”
“What Declan said?”
“He doesn’t care what happens between us. Knowing your ex-lover won’t be jealous if we’re together must give you some freedom of choice.”
I inhaled sharply. “I’m not in love with you, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
He bent over a little and brought his face close to mine. “Humans always obsess about love—but it’s a very unstable emotion. If you’d lived as long as I have, you’d see things much more practically. It helps in making decisions to know that nothing is permanent. Everything—partnerships, friendships, lovers, even family—is in a constant state of flux.”
There was the slight scent of roses to Matthias’s skin. I hadn’t noticed it before. I’d rarely gotten this close to him and still had my wits about me. “That’s not a very romantic outlook.”
“No, it isn’t. Two things are constant, though. It’s what governs all human behavior—and even the behavior of those who aren’t human.”