“What are they?”
“Pleasure and pain. One will seek out pleasure and attempt to avoid pain. It’s the base reason for every decision we make from the moment we wake to the moment we go to sleep.”
It was true about pain—I knew that for a fact. When I’d been experiencing it, I would have done anything to escape from it. “Do you have a point?”
He smiled, and I saw the edge of his sharp fangs. “It’s why I keep trying to get close to you, Jillian. Because your body—your blood.” He brought his face close enough that his lips brushed against my ear. “It gave me so much pleasure when I got the chance to taste it. At least, for the blissful moment before the pain ripped it away. You have absolutely no idea what I went through for the week it took me to recover enough to find you again. Only the thought of my daughter’s safety and the need to destroy Kristoff helped me keep my hold on life. You’d think I’d try to avoid you to make sure I didn’t feel that way again. And yet, here I am.”
I was breathing faster now, my heart pounding hard in my chest. His words were describing something horrible, but his tone had turned extremely sensual. Being this close to him did strange and unwelcome things to me. It made me feel things I didn’t want to feel. The memory of being in his bed as he explored every inch of my body slid through my mind and a mirror of the desire I’d felt then twisted through me now.
“You’re fucking with my mind again, aren’t you?” I whispered and turned back toward the mirror, hoping that would be enough to break his spell over me.
“No, I’m not fucking with your mind.” His gaze moved down the front of me reflected in the mirror, pausing at my hard nipples jutting against the thin material of my tank top. I instinctively crossed my arms to cover myself.
“Why do you fight it, Jillian?” he asked, reaching around me to pull my hands away from my body.
“Go ahead and fuck his brains out. I don’t really give a shit.”
I grimaced at what Declan had said to me just before he’d left. He’d seen that I had feelings for Matthias, even when I was trying to ignore them. And I would have ignored them forever if only he’d stayed with me.
But he hadn’t. He’d practically pushed me at the former vampire king in his attempt to get away from me—a man who’d had more lovers than I could count. A man who didn’t believe in love and romance, only pleasure and pain.
“I’m not forcing you to do anything,” Matthias whispered. “The dhampyr didn’t want you. But I’m here and I want you. Let me show you how much.”
His hands slid around to my stomach.
I needed to stop this, collect my thoughts, which were fluttering all over the place like a swarm of butterflies. My pain was gone, I currently felt better than I had since I’d first been injected with the Nightshade. There were too many other things to think about. I didn’t need this distraction.
I didn’t love Matthias, I knew that for sure.
Declan left me. He didn’t want to stay with me. He wouldn’t let me help him and he hated what I’d done to Noah.
Matthias was here. He had taken away my pain. And now he wanted to give me pleasure.
He pressed against my back and the feel of his arousal made me shiver. The mirror’s reflection showed his eyes were still black with hunger as his cool hands slowly slid under the bottom edge of my tank top, up over my stomach, until he fully cupped my bare breasts. I let out a tiny moan as he squeezed my nipples.
I wanted him. He wasn’t influencing me to feel that way. This was real, no illusion, no tricks. And it was something I never would have considered only yesterday. Funny how things could change so quickly.
I’d lusted after Matthias since practically the moment we met, and the dreams I’d had about him during the last week had only confirmed it. He was handsome and powerful and dangerous—a heady mix. It didn’t change how I felt about Declan—or rather, how I’d felt about him until he’d left and practically pushed me into the arms of another man by saying he didn’t give a shit. Not a terribly healthy relationship there, even aside from the dhampyr rage.
However, this wasn’t all that healthy, either.
“Isn’t this torture for you?” I managed. He still showed the visible signs of his hunger for my blood.
He smiled against the side of my face. “It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Before, I thought being close to you was an interesting test for myself. But now I know if I lose control with you, I’ll die from it.”
I licked my lips. “And you’re just sick enough that that excites you, doesn’t it?”
“Being so close to the only thing truly capable of killing me? Yes, it excites me like nothing else.”
He roughly pulled my shirt up over my breasts so I could watch him boldly caress my body without me doing a damn thing to stop him. His hands then moved under the waist of my yoga pants. He slowly slid his hand down between my legs. I gasped out loud and my knuckles whitened on the edge of the bathroom counter as his fingers moved over me.
“Yes.” He smiled. “I knew you wanted me. I can feel it. You can’t deny it any longer or blame this on tricks of the mind. Say you want me, Jillian.”
I forced myself to turn around in his arms so I could look right into his eyes. This was wrong and I hated myself for feeling anything at all for this vampire. But I did. It took me a while to speak. “You win.”
Then I pulled his face to mine and kissed him. His lips were cool but not cold against mine. He groaned low in his throat when I slid my tongue into his mouth, feeling the sharp edge of his fangs for a second before he pulled back from me.
He wasn’t smiling. “You are pleasure and pain all at once, Jillian.”
I didn’t want to think about this. I just needed to forget everything. Live in the moment and give in to pleasure. I unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it over his shoulders, then slid my hands over his smooth chest, down his abdomen that I’d seen sliced open just the other night. No scars remained, just perfect smooth skin over hard muscle. My hands went to his waistband and I unzipped him, sliding his pants down over his hips before drawing his face close to mine again to kiss him.
“Just make me forget, Matthias,” I whispered. “Make me forget everything.”
He didn’t say anything for a moment. “Make you forget him.”
I nodded. “Please.”
His jaw tightened. “You think it’s that easy? If I take you right now, you think you can just forget about the dhampyr. Like magic?”
“You’re the magician, not me.”
“I’m not a magician. Knowing a few tricks is not true magic.”
I slid my hands down his chest and would have kept going lower if he didn’t catch my wrists.
“What are you waiting for?” I asked.
“You want me to make you forget him.”
“Yes.” My throat was thick and I felt on the verge of more tears. Damn it. I hated this. I hated that Declan had walked away and hadn’t let me try to help him. I hated that he said he didn’t care if I slept with Matthias.
“It would be so easy to take what’s already mine.” He hissed out a breath. “But I think you have me mistaken with someone who doesn’t mind being used to make a woman forget who she really wants to be with.”
He stepped back from me and did up his pants and shirt.
My face felt hot and I quickly pulled myself together and put my clothes back into place.
His face was expressionless. “The dhampyr pushed you toward me in order to make it easier on the both of you. However, I have no doubt he’ll come back for you eventually, when he comes to his senses.”
My chest tightened. “Matthias . . .”
“We’re going to visit the house where my daughter’s staying come nightfall. Please be ready.” Without another glance, he left me there alone.
If I didn’t know any differently, I’d say I bruised his ego.
12
WHEN I CAME DOWNSTAIRS AFTER SPENDING THE afternoon sequestered in the bedroom, the
ropes that tied Noah to the staircase were loose on the floor and he was gone.
I froze.
“He’s coming with us,” Matthias said. I turned slowly to see him standing between me and the front door. “It’ll be a good test for him. You know how much I like my tests.”
Yes, I did. All too well.
I finally spotted Noah, crouched in the corner, rocking back and forth like a mental patient.
“I don’t know,” Noah mumbled. “Jill’s blood . . . it—it’s too hard for me to resist. I’m not strong enough.”
“You can resist it. It’s mind over matter.”
“Right. If I don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” Noah groaned. “But that’s the problem. I mind. I mind a lot.”
“What the hell are you doing, Matthias?” My voice came out pitchy.
“What you saw last night is typical behavior for a brand-new fledgling. But it’s been nearly twenty-four hours now and his control is improving. His body is adjusting to being a vampire. There have been no accidents so far, which is a good sign.”
“Other than trying to attack me last night.”
“All fledglings within the first day are mindlessly hungry and violent like that. But he was stopped before anything could happen. Although it will take him months to settle in completely, he should be able to function nearly as well as he ever did. Better, even.”
That didn’t really set my mind at ease. “And if he doesn’t function as well?”
Matthias glanced at Noah. “If he bites you, he’ll die. And the problem he presents will be solved. I’m hoping his desire to live will trump his need to taste your blood.”
“Oh, my God,” Noah groaned. “This sucks so bad.”
My hands curled into fists at my sides. “More games.”
Matthias blinked. “No. I’m being practical.”
“You want to take a fledgling vampire to see your daughter. And that’s being practical?”
“If he makes one move to harm Sara, I’ll rip his heart out from his chest. Do you hear me, Noah?”
Noah cleared his throat nervously. “Loud and clear.”
I didn’t feel good about this, but I didn’t have a lot of choice here. I wanted to see Sara, too. I’d been worried about her ever since Declan took her away and refused to tell me where she was. I didn’t miss the diapers, constant feeding, and the throwing up, but I did care about the baby’s well-being. Knowing she was with someone like Emily, even though I’d never met her before, helped ease my mind a lot.
We left the house without another word spoken between the three of us. After what happened earlier between me and Matthias, I felt awkward and embarrassed. What had seemed like the means to help me forget about Declan, now seemed indulgent and irresponsible. To say the least. I didn’t hate the former vampire king—I wasn’t sure now if I ever had—but sleeping with him was not a wise choice, despite my attraction to him. When I was with someone, I wanted it to be because I loved him. My libido had gotten me in trouble a few times in my life, but I was older and wiser now. I learned from my mistakes. Matthias would have been a mistake.
He could have had sex with me anyway, but he didn’t. He’d stopped just in time. I guess I should thank him for that.
Maybe someday.
We headed for Toluca Woods, a middle-class neighborhood in Burbank. It was warm out tonight, but not hot, and there was a nice breeze in the air. Emily’s house was at the end of a cul-de-sac, a redbricked, back split bungalow with a cypress tree out front and a rock garden instead of a grass lawn. Matthias pulled the car alongside the curb and parked there.
Noah sat quietly in the backseat and I was keenly aware of his presence the entire half-hour drive over. He pressed up against the driver’s side door, his arms crossed so tightly over his chest it looked painful.
Entering this neighborhood made a sudden and surprisingly large amount of emotion well inside of me. It reminded me of where my sister and my nieces lived, which wasn’t very far away from here. My throat closed, making it difficult to swallow.
I had to call her. I’d waffled about this so many times that I’d lost count, but I always came back to what felt right to me. A quick phone call wouldn’t put her in jeopardy. It might stress her out, but it would take a weight off her mind that I was still alive. I had to do that. A couple minutes and that was it. Maybe just the sound of her voice would be enough to give me some well-needed strength.
Yes, it felt right to me. The knot of tension I had in my gut loosened a little just thinking about it. I was going to call Cathy. Right now.
“Go on in,” I told Matthias and Noah. “I’ll be there in a minute.”
Matthias eyed me. “All right.”
He didn’t grill me about why, which was nice. They got out of the car, Noah a bit reluctantly, and I sat there for a long moment as I tried to gain enough confidence to do what I should have done a week ago.
I had Noah’s cell phone in hand. I slowly keyed in the phone number and held it to my ear.
This might be the last time I ever spoke to Cathy. I’d wanted to see her again, to know at that moment everything was back to normal. But I might not have that chance. If my blood killed me—or, rather, when my blood killed me—at least I’d die knowing I’d said good-bye. Just because I felt good today compared to how I’d felt before didn’t really mean anything in the long run. I knew I was living on borrowed time.
For a moment I thought it would go through to voice mail like last time, but it didn’t.
“Hello?” It was my sister’s voice.
I found I couldn’t speak. The words caught in my throat and I swallowed hard.
“Who’s there?” Cathy asked after a moment of silence.
“It’s . . .” I licked my lips. “It’s me, Cathy.”
“Jill? Oh, my God! Is it really you?”
Tears stung my eyes and I felt a wash of relief at hearing her voice. “Yeah, it’s me.”
“Are you all right?” She sounded surprisingly calm. Eerily so, actually.
I frowned. “I’m fine. Are . . . are you okay?”
“Yes.”
“And the girls? Meg and Julie? How are they?” Cathy’s kids. My nieces—ages eight and six. I wasn’t sure why cold dread began to slide through me.
There was a pause. “Don’t you know already?”
My grip tightened on the small phone. “Know what?”
“He was very nice, Jill. Such beautiful eyes. I think I could have stared into them forever.”
Even though the car window was open, I felt the hot air closing in around me. “Who are you talking about?”
“He was here a little while ago with some of his friends. He said everything would be all right, and I believe him. He told me that you were alive, but you hadn’t been feeling very well, and that you were looking forward to seeing Meg and Julie again. I’ve been so worried about you for the last two weeks, but I’m so relieved everything’s going to turn out okay after all.”
I could barely breathe. Fear ate at the edges of my mind. “Who was he, Cathy? Please, please try to concentrate. Tell me.”
She was quiet for a moment. “He didn’t introduce himself formally, but one of his friends called him Chris—Chris something.”
“Kristoff?” The name caught in my throat.
“Yes, that was it.”
Kristoff had gone to my sister’s home and taken my nieces. I didn’t know how he’d even known they existed. I’d never met him.
“They’re going to be fine.” I forced the words out.
“Of course they will be.”
Cathy had been mentally influenced. There was no way she would normally be acting like this, so calm and undisturbed by the fact her children had been taken away from her. One look in Kristoff’s eyes and he’d made her believe that everything was okay. It was the only reason she wouldn’t have phoned the police already and had an Amber alert spreading across the state.
I felt physically ill. “I need to go. It’s going to be
okay, Cathy. I swear it will. I—I’ll be in touch as soon as I can.”
I ended the call. My hands were shaking so hard I had a difficult time finding the disconnect button.
Kristoff kidnapped my sister’s children and said that he knew about me. I didn’t know how that was possible.
There was a rumor about me that a lot of vampires seemed to know about—the woman with the poisoned blood. My reputation preceded me. But I didn’t think they knew my name. Most of them wouldn’t know my face. Kristoff had only been awakened yesterday. This didn’t make any damn sense.
Matthias.
I covered my mouth with my hand. Matthias was psychically connected to his brother—they had a bond, that was what Matthias had called it. I remembered Matthias reacting with intense pain when Kristoff was awakened. He said he could see into his mind, know everything he was thinking, feel everything that he was feeling. And that Kristoff could do the same with him.
He said it had shut off soon after and he hadn’t made any other mention of it. Matthias didn’t know where Kristoff was. He was waiting for his brother to make the first move once he’d regained his strength. To find Matthias so he could extract his revenge on him for locking Kristoff away for three decades.
In that moment both of their minds were open to each other, Kristoff must have seen everything about me. Who I was. What threat I posed to him. My name. And he’d used that to hunt down my only living relatives. And he’d taken my nieces to use them against me. Matthias knew about my sister from the newspaper article. He’d found out about my nieces easily. They were my family, the people I cared about. The thought made me feel even sicker and fear raced through me.
If he’d gone after my nieces, there was no way Sara would be safe.
My eyes widened. If Kristoff had found out about my family through peering into Matthias’s head, then he’d know all about her, too. And considering how much he would hate his brother right now, that was dangerous information.
A baby. A girl. A dhampyr. The daughter of the brother who’d stolen his throne.
I scrambled for the car door and got out so fast I nearly went over on my ankle. I ran to the house to find the front door ajar. The house was dark and quiet.