After our shower discussion two days ago, the two of us had spent several delightful hours together, making the sort of relaxed small talk I’d never imagined Alix and I could have. We laughed and chatted and had sex and ate the last of the chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream I’d bought on my way home from work. Then he’d gone home, and I’d been absurdly hopeful as I’d gone to bed. Yesterday had been all work, but it hadn’t been weird. We’d actually gotten a lot done, both in the morning when I was doing the usual paperwork, and in the afternoon, we’d worked on the photograph series. I wasn’t sure if it was because of what we’d done, or if I was just starting to grow into the role I played when I was in front of the cameras, but the session had gone amazingly well.
A part of me had been a bit disappointed when we’d gone our separate ways at the end of the day, with nothing more than an exchange of heated gazes. Which meant I was humming with sexual tension by the time we were ready to start photographing today.
Alix telling me what he had in store for me had only made matters worse.
Because I wasn’t wearing anything. Technically, anyway. The photographs wouldn’t be nudes, but what covered my body wasn’t clothes either.
They were scarves. The same silk scarves he used to bind me were now artistically draped over various body parts to keep things tasteful. What they hadn’t done was keep me from getting impossibly turned on when Alix needed to adjust things, which he’d done.
A lot.
“Have you changed your mind about posing nude for me?” he asked as he walked around to stand in front of me. “Because if you keep moving like that, the pictures I take will expose some...naughty bits.”
I’d been on my knees for the past few minutes while he tried to decide what the best options were for the deep green bits of fabric he was using. This was the basic submissive position, he explained, and those words had twisted the part of me that responded to the world he’d shown me.
“Is that what you want of me?” I asked, shifting again so that the scarves he had covering one of my breasts slipped. “Sir?”
His eyes narrowed, and he reached down to wrap his fingers in my hair. The grip was slightly painful, but it just made a fresh rush of arousal go through me.
“Are you teasing me?” His voice was low, dangerous.
I licked my lips. “Perhaps,” I admitted.
Without a word, he turned and walked a few steps away, set his camera down on the table, then turned back to me. I swallowed hard as he pulled his shirt over his head. He was sculpted perfection, every inch of his torso carved into the sort of definition that made me want to trace each muscle with my tongue.
When his hands went to the top of his jeans, my eyes followed. A flip of a button. The slow lowering of a zipper.
“I think we need to have a little demonstration,” he said as he stopped in front of me again. “A reminder of who’s in charge.”
I liked the sound of that.
He reached down and plucked one of the scarves off, baring my right breast. The nipple was already tight from a combination of arousal and chill, but it wasn’t the cold that made me shiver as he flicked the tip hard enough to sting.
“Keep your hands at your sides,” he said as he folded back his jeans, pushing them low enough to free his cock. He wrapped his hand around the shaft, stroking it with short, almost rough, strokes. “I’ve been half-hard all fucking day, thinking about what you’d look like with these scarves on. Taking these pictures and trying not to think about how fuckable you are, is driving me crazy.”
It was nice to know that I wasn’t the only one who’d been distracted.
“Open.”
I parted my lips, hands clenching as he slid his cock between them. He rocked his hips as I closed my mouth around him, savoring the feel of his soft skin against my tongue. When he ran his fingers through my hair, I closed my eyes, focused everything on my non-visual senses. The weight of him, the taste. The things that made him...mine.
“You need to understand something, Sine.” His voice was surprisingly even considering the tension I could feel in his fingers as they pressed against my scalp. “No one – no one – gets to see this part of you but me. When I reveal this series, I want every man and woman to covet you, want to be you or want to be with you, want to see those pieces of you that I’ve kept for myself.”
As he tightened his grip on my hair, I opened my eyes and looked up at him to find him watching me. He eased forward, filling my mouth with as much of him as I could take. I fought the instinct to gag, dug my nails into my thighs to prevent myself from reaching for him. I trusted him not to go too far. He’d never hurt me, not intentionally.
“I mean it, Sine.” He held me in place, his gaze burning into me. “This part of you is mine.”
Just as my eyes teared up, he backed off, releasing my hair and letting me have a moment to gasp and cough. I knew he was watching me to make sure I was okay, and I was.
I was more than okay, actually. I was wet and throbbing and desperate...and trying to not read too much into what he’d said.
“Hands and knees.” His voice was tight, telling me he wasn’t as calm as he was trying to appear.
I did as he said, letting the scarves fall to the floor. He moved around behind me, and for a moment, I thought I would feel him slide right into me. But he didn’t. I heard him moving around for a minute or so, and then he was kneeling behind me, fingers brushing against my hip.
“Last week, do you recall a certain wager between you and I regarding your ability to refrain from coming?”
I froze as the bet came rushing back to me. Particularly the part about what would happen if I lost. Because I had lost.
Which meant that I wasn’t exactly surprised to feel Alix’s finger dip inside my pussy, then move up to that other entrance.
I hissed as the tip of his finger penetrated my ass, but I didn’t ask him to stop. I never thought about doing this before the moment Alix had challenged me, but if it was with him, I was willing to try anything.
“Fuck,” I groaned as his finger pushed forward, its way slicked by what I assumed was lube, or something similar.
“Relax.” The command was impossibly gentle and firm at the same time. “Spread your legs a bit more.”
My knees slid farther apart as his finger moved in and out, getting me used to the burning sensation that came with this sort of penetration. As I felt the second finger join the first, I tensed up, then shuddered as his other hand reached underneath me, fingers finding my clit. He moved them in slow circles, slowly building my arousal again, mingling the two sensations until I pushed back against his twisting fingers.
“Are you close?”
I nodded.
“Are you going to come with my fingers in your ass?”
I nodded once, then stopped before I did it again. “Only if you say I can.”
He chuckled, and I shuddered. I loved that sound.
“Good answer.”
I whimpered as he pressed his lips against the base of my spine. “May I come?”
“Only if you’re ready.” After a beat, he added, “When you start coming, I’m going to replace my fingers with my cock.”
I was so close, I could feel my muscles quivering in anticipation, feel the pressure building until I knew I was right at the edge.
“I’m ready,” I breathed. “Please, Alix.”
“Come for me then.”
I let the pleasure flow over my skin, through my mind. As I reached the peak, he was there, pushing inside me, steadily filling me one inch at a time, until I couldn’t distinguish between the pleasure and the pain, between where I ended and he began. Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I curled my fingers against the floor, gasping for breath, my arms shaking.
He didn’t stop until he was completely inside me, and then his hands were moving over my ribs, cupping my breasts, pinching my nipples, moving down between my legs, manipulating all the different parts of me until another orgasm ri
pped through me. Only then did he begin to move again, driving into me at a steady pace, even as he pulled me up until my back was against his chest, one arm around my waist with his fingers between my legs, the other arm across my breasts, his hand resting on my throat.
“You haunt me, Sine McNiven.” His breath was hot on my cheek as he spoke. “I can’t get you out of my head. I see you everywhere.” He nipped at the side of my neck. “And I want you to see me. Feel me. Always.”
“I do,” I managed to say as I spiraled toward another climax. “I do.”
When I shattered this time, he was right there with me. And he was all I saw, all I felt.
And in that moment, I knew that he had the power to break me.
22
Alix
We’d gone our own separate ways after the earth-shattering orgasm and the things we’d said. The things I had said. She hadn’t seemed upset that we hadn’t talked about it, but I’d been worried enough that when Erik had called, wanting to meet me, I immediately agreed even though I rarely went out in the middle of the week.
Café Carlyle was a favorite for my friends and me when we weren’t in the mood for the BDSM scene. For a lot of people, it was the perfect setting for romance, but for us, the combination of music and art suited our temperaments. Tonight, however, I barely glanced at the Marcel Vertes murals or heard the band.
Erik was already there when I arrived.
“I ordered you a Jameson,” he said as I sat down across from him.
“Everything’s going well with Tanya, I presume.”
A smile instantly bloomed on his face, lighting up his bright blue eyes. “Better than good.”
“Still in the honeymoon phase then?” I nodded to the waiter who placed my drink in front of me.
“That’s just it,” Erik said. “It’s not like we’re pretending with each other, or trying to only show our best selves. We’re still learning about each other, of course, but even when there’s something that annoys us, we’re always coming at it from a perspective of how to adapt and compromise.”
I raised an eyebrow as I took a long drink. It burned going down, settling in my empty stomach. I needed to eat something before I had much more alcohol or I wouldn’t be in condition to have a decent conversation.
“I’m serious,” he continued. “Before, I’d never wanted to have to work at it, but she’s worth it. Worth putting in the time and the effort.” He drained his glass. “I’d rather bust my ass to make things work between us than take the easy way and lose her.”
I let the silence between us sit as I finished my drink. When the waiter came back, both Erik and I ordered another drink, as well as food, then waited until he walked away to continue our conversation.
“How did you know?” I blurted out the question I’d been obsessing over since the day Jean had called to tell me that Sine had quit.
“That she was worth it?” Erik asked.
I nodded. I’d been telling the truth to Sine when I said that I wasn’t always so good at communicating with words. Pictures were my medium. But Erik always had a gift for saying what I couldn’t and understanding things I wasn’t able to say.
“The physical attraction was there right away,” he said. “But even then, it wasn’t the same as it was with other women. When I saw her, it was like a punch to the gut, like she was the only other person in the world.”
I thought about how I’d wanted to photograph Sine from the first time I met her even though she wasn’t the sort of woman who turned heads wherever she went. How when I was with her, everyone else faded away.
“And the sex...well...” He grinned at me. “I won’t kiss and tell, but it wasn’t the same with her either. It was like a piece of me that I’d ignored for years was suddenly there, and it made everything more real, more important...just more. And her subbing for me...” He shook his head as if words were actually failing him.
My stomach clenched painfully at the memory of how it felt to be in Sine’s mouth, her pussy, her ass. What it was like to see her underneath me. Kneeling in front of me. On all fours. How responsive she’d been to my touch. How much she’d enjoyed the different BDSM aspects we’d explored.
“Those were the things that made me start to think that she was different, and I still didn’t get it completely,” he kept going. “It was when I realized I wanted to spend time with her outside of the bedroom that scared the shit out of me. I found myself thinking about her in ways that weren’t just sexual. I thought about waking up next to her. Eating meals with her. Just going places and doing things. Not only date-like things but the mundane shit. Grocery shopping. Washing dishes. All that domestic stuff that I could see stretching out in front of me.”
My chest constricted, and I suddenly found it hard to breathe.
Erik’s eyes grew serious as they locked on to mine. “I knew she was it for me when I couldn’t see a future without her. When the idea of moving forward without her killed me.”
I threw back what was left of my second drink like it was a shot rather than the expensive aged whiskey that deserved to be savored. A bright edge of panic was creeping up on me, and I fought the urge to run.
“It’s that Irish girl, isn’t it?” he asked. “Sine. The one you brought to the club a couple weeks back.”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Not that it mattered. Erik could read everything.
“Have you told her?”
I shrugged as I thought of my words this afternoon. “Sort of.”
“Take it from me,” he said. “Make it more than sort of. If she really is it for you, don’t be an ass like I was and try to talk yourself out of it. If she doesn’t feel the same way, at least you’ll know you did all you could.”
If she doesn’t feel the same way.
The words were like a bucket of ice water. I hadn’t even thought of that. I’d been so wrapped up into what I was feeling that I never stopped to consider that she might not feel the same thing. That for her, this might just be a hot fling. Something to enjoy while it lasted.
“The worst thing you can do,” Erik added, “is to hide things from her. It won’t end well.”
The grim tone of his words made me frown. “That sounds like you’re not only talking about me and Sine.”
“I’m not,” he said. “Reb and Mitzi broke up.”
He was giving me an out, I saw. If I didn’t want to dig any deeper into what I was feeling, I could take the change in conversation, and he wouldn’t say a word about it. I had too many things I needed to think about, analyze, weigh, and I wasn’t ready to do that here and now.
I followed the change of subject. “Since when?”
“Beginning of June.”
“No shit.” I let myself relax as I started in on my meal. “Why didn’t he say anything?”
Erik scowled. “He knows we never liked her, and with what went down...”
“What went down?”
He stabbed a carrot with his fork. “He caught her cheating, and it was bad enough he didn’t want to tell me any more than that.”
“Shit,” I breathed. “I can’t say it surprises me, but still.”
Erik nodded. “He finally told me the other day. Said he didn’t want to make a big deal about it, but I don’t think he’s doing well.”
As our conversation turned to our friend, I pushed back the little voice in the back of my head that wondered if something like that would happen to me, if Sine wasn’t the woman I thought her to be. The voice quieted, but those seeds of doubt were there, and I knew they’d take root if I gave them even the slightest bit of attention.
23
Sine
The Big Apple in late June was sunny and hot, nothing like Balbriggan was right now. I dabbed at my forehead with a tissue and wished for one of Ireland’s brisk winds off the sea. It was only eight thirty in the morning, and I was already sweating as I walked from the corner to the bodega. The traffic was awful, so it made more sense to walk the short distance to get
the coffee for Alix and myself, and then go on to the studio a couple blocks down.
Alix.
As it had for the last week, the thought of him made me smile.
We hadn’t talked about what any of this between us was, but we’d talked about other things. Many things, actually. I had been pleasantly surprised at the conversations we’d had. He wanted to know about Ireland, having never been there. About my family and our business. Whiskey was something of which he had some knowledge, but more of the drinking kind than the making. I told him that he and my family would get along famously, but both of us had shied away from any conversation that talked about them actually meeting.
He told me about his family too. How he was an only child whose closest relative was a cousin, Erik. How his parents were older and had retired to Philadelphia, and another cousin of his, Izett, ran the family business.
The two of us came from such different worlds, and every new thing we discovered seemed to only enforce that. How we’d been raised. How we interacted with our families. Even though I was an ocean away from my family, we were still closer than he was with his. He loved them, I could see that in the way he spoke about them, but he’d always been such a solitary person. He didn’t have to tell me that. I saw it in him, the way he tended to turn into himself when he worked.
Except I saw him turning more and more to me this week. A new side of him. And I’d discovered a new side of myself through him too.
Tough. Strong. Independent. Self-reliant. These were all words that I believed described me.
Submissive.
Absolutely no one who had ever met me would have called me submissive, but when I was with Alix, that word didn’t frighten me. He made me feel safe, even when he was taking away my control. Or what I perceived as control, anyway. I hadn’t needed him to explain that in a D/s relationship, the sub had most of the power.
I was in the middle of the line at the bodega, lost in my thoughts when my phone went off. I cursed under my breath as I scrambled through my bag. Sometimes Alix would call to ask me to pick something up on my way in.