My fingers pressed into my hands. Blood seeped from them.
My grandmother continued, "He took one look at her and thought he had the granddaddy of all challenges. Truthfully, I don't know who won that battle. Leann had stopped talking to me by then. She wanted to grow up in the church. I wasn't having none of it. I wanted her to live. I wanted her to have babies. I wanted her to laugh, to cry, to get her heart broken. I wanted her not to have any regrets when she reached my age, but it didn't matter. She was so stubborn and the two of us didn't see eye to eye."
"Is he my father or not?"
Viola surrendered, "I don't know. Maybe. Hell, no. I don't know. I just know that he wanted your mother so badly and things got bad. Frank was pressuring Leann to have an affair with him. He said he loved her, he wanted to be with her, he'd leave his wife, etc., etc., etc. They all say the same things. It don't matter because in the end, if she gave in or not, Leann decided to go to Florida for some reason. She said something about maybe finding salvation down there. I don't know what that meant. I just know that Frank Stephens was heartbroken, if he could be heartbroken."
"What then?" I knew it didn't end there.
Viola seemed to crumble before my eyes. She'd been standing near the door and now she looked like the world conquered her. As she folded to the floor, she choked on a sob. "I have no idea."
"You must!" It couldn't end like that.
"I don't!" she cried in return and held her hands in front of her. She looked at them like she didn't know what to do with them. "I wish I knew. I wish I understood it all, but I don't. All I know is that she brought you up here about a year and half later. She asked us to raise you because it wasn't safe for you. Your momma and I don't have the kind of relationship where we tell each other things. We don't say nothing to each other. You don't think it eats at me? It does! I have a daughter who I don't know nothing about, but I got one thing from her. I got you! I got you, Rayna!"
I sat there and watched my grandmother. She'd been the fiercest woman I'd known all my life. She could've stared a bull down most days, but not today. As she sat on my floor, I knew my grandmother was crying for more than not knowing my father. My mother was in the room with us. Her presence was so strong, so powerful, that I looked towards my window and wondered if I'd see her.
"I don't know who your father is. I'm sorry, Rayna. I know it's so awful. Only your mother knows that and we haven't heard from her in six years."
I didn't know what to say. I'd been so terrified and then nothing. I got no answers. "What do I say to Brady?"
Viola shook her head.
I couldn't not tell him. I couldn't let him go on with his life not knowing why we couldn't be in each other's lives, much less knowing that I loved him.
"How do you know that Frank Stephens is his father?"
Viola looked me straight in the eye and spoke in a clear voice, "Because he brought him to me. He showed up here one night and said the mom didn't want him. He was his, but he wanted us to give Brady to Leann. He wanted her to raise his son. He didn't know where she was. He didn't know anything at that time except that she'd left. He kept asking us where she was, but we never told." Viola nodded with tears on her cheeks. She repeated, "Brady came from an affair that he'd had when he was chasing Leann. At that time, Frank was still with his wife. He hadn't divorced her yet, but it didn't matter. Everyone knew Frank Stephens was a skirt-chasing bastard, but on paper he was squeaky clean. It was always rumours. A kid would've been proof that he was the bastard everyone said. I went…" She took a deep breath and composed herself. "I went crazy when he offered Brady to us. I lost it. I'd been patient with him, but when he said that about a child—I didn't care if he'd been the devil, I would've taken a pitchfork to him."
I watched as she remembered that night. Her hands curled slowly into fists. Her voice raised, stronger and angrier.
She seethed, "I snatched that baby out of his arms and I ordered him to get the hell away from us. I told him to stay away from Leann and stay out of this child's life. He had no right to act like God. He had no right to pass along a child like the child had no soul. No right!" She waited until she had calmed a bit. "He didn't give one damn about Brady. Not one care for him. I told him that Leann never wanted to see him, and if he ever tried to claim Brady as his son, I would go to the police."
I could almost see that night enfold. A younger looking and trimmer Frank Stephens stood at the door with a baby in his arms. My grandmother was on the other side, hearing what he had to say with horror.
Viola finished, "Frank Stephens didn't like anything I said. Something snapped in him too. After that night, he went crazy. I think he might've realized it really was over with Leann. I don't know. I didn't care, but he went through a host of women after that. Eventually his wife found out and they got divorced. By that time, she'd already had Kidrick, but it didn't matter. The damage was done."
"What about all those things about Mom? If she only slept with him, why does everyone say she's a whore?"
"He wanted to hurt us…me really. He knew how your momma really was, so he said the opposite. He knew it'd hurt us if people thought Leann was a loose woman. It did at first, but then I got mad. I got all my friends to freeze Frank Stephens out of anything and everything. Those women knew your mother. She'd gone to church with them. She'd baked beside them. They knew what really happened and I'll tell you that damage can be planned at a monthly Ladies Aid meeting."
She laughed to herself. "We knew what to do. Each of them went to their husbands and Frank Stephens was frozen out of every business venture he hoped to have. Any banking loans he wanted were canceled. He was denied membership at the two country clubs he wanted into. Pretty soon he stopped saying those things about your momma, but it didn't matter. People talked. They gossip, they'll always gossip. But Frank Stephens was put in his place."
There was so much history in that room. It swirled around me and it hurt. It hurt Brady. It hurt my grandmother. For the first time, I wondered how it hurt my mother.
"I threatened Frank that I'd go to the police if he ever tried anything with Brady. I knew if he was willing to give the child away, he couldn't be trusted to raise him. I ended up going to the station anyway. Deputy Doug was working as the dispatcher that night. I told him what had happened. I had Brady with me and the two of us figured to keep it quiet. He had proof to bring against Frank if he ever did anything, but that's when Brady went into foster care. He stayed with us for a little while until Doug found a family to place him with. I'm afraid to say that Brady bounced around to a few homes, but Doug worked closely with the social worker. They finally found the Forresters right by us. I wanted him close. I wasn't stupid. By that time, I knew about you and I knew that Frank had been going down to Florida. I never asked, but I always wondered if you and Brady were siblings. I wanted the two of you to grow up together. I thought he could be the big brother to look out for his little sister. I just never…"
I whispered, "I love him."
She looked at me and nodded. "I know."
"I wouldn't have…"
"I know, Rayray. It's why you did what you did. I know."
I glanced at my hands and saw they were white. They were trembling. It was like no blood flowed through me. For a moment, I wondered if I should be concerned and then I looked at Viola and saw the same paleness in her.
When a door shut downstairs, Viola sighed, exhausted. "I should make some supper. I think your granddad must be getting hungry. I'm sorry about you and Brady. I'm sorry that I can't give you the answers you need. Your momma might've been the Godly woman, but I'm a believer too. Things always seem to work out."
When she stood, I felt my grandmother touch my shoulder. She pulled me close for a hug and whispered into my neck, "Things always seem to work out. Good comes out. It always does. It always wins."
I was numb in my grandmother's arms. I didn't know if good would win this time. I didn't feel it.
CHAPTER TWENTY
When I woke up the next morning, I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at the wall. My world had been turned upside and given another shake to make sure nothing was hidden away. I was a waste of space.
Brady might've been my brother. I had sex with him twice. I might even have sex with him again. When I acknowledged that shameful secret, I closed my eyes tightly and felt the sobs store up inside. It was worse than a forbidden love. Those people were kept away by feuding families, maybe even physical space. Their barriers could be torn down. But this…sharing blood…nothing could tear that down. It was the surest way to drive my best friend away from me.
But I drew in a shuddering breath and opened my eyes. I needed to focus so I took inventory from the mirror. My eyes were swollen from tears. My cheeks were splotchy. My hair was a mess, half of it held up in a ponytail. My skin was pale, the same shade of my shirt I'd thrown on the night before.
I hadn't cared about sleeping. I hadn't really slept. I knew I wasn't alone. Viola paced the floorboards. I hadn't heard any snoring so I figured my grandpa had been awake too. I wondered if he'd just watched Viola throughout the night.
There was a soft knock on my door and Neil spoke through it, "If you're ready, I can give you a ride to school."
It was my last day. I croaked back, "Okay. Be down in a few."
When he walked away, I closed my eyes and bent forward. My forehead rested on my knees and I needed one more of those deep breaths. How was I going to get through the day? How was I going to get through anything anymore?
"Rayna." Viola knocked next. When I didn't respond, she poked her head in and sighed. "I have breakfast ready…"
"Not hungry."
"Coffee?"
"Sure."
"Okay." She attempted a smile, but it came out looking painful. "I'll get that ready for you."
When she closed the door, I stood. I needed to start somewhere. My body ached so I focused on one thing at a time. Everything else buzzed around in my head. I didn't know what I chose to wear that day. I didn't care, but I must've passed the "you don't look crazy" test when Viola didn't blink an eye as she handed my coffee over. My grandfather didn't comment either. In fact, he didn't comment about anything until we got to school. "Have a good day. If you want to…go out or something, that'd be alright with your grandmother and me."
I looked at him in surprise.
"I mean it's your last day, Rayna. You should have some fun today. Forget everything else and make some memories today. That's what your grandmother always said, still says. She likes to make memories. Says they're good to tell around a night of family."
"What family?" I couldn't help asking.
"Rayna."
"Sorry." With my coffee in hand, I bid farewell before heading inside with an empty bag to my chest and the determination to ignore all the peering eyes. What did they care? Did they know? It was like they knew my secret. Brady didn't even know.
As I shouldered around a group of giggling freshmen, I swallowed painfully. I didn't know if I wanted him to know or not. How would he react? Probably with violence, but I wasn't sure beyond that.
Then I looked up as I neared my locker and my throat closed off. Brady was lounging against my locker. I froze in the hallway. I didn't care that students grumbled as they bumped into me. When I didn't move, they flowed around me. I couldn't look away. Brady was at my locker, just a few feet away from me, but he was talking to Matt Krone and Clarissa. All three of them were laughing, looking like the gods and goddess that could've reigned over us all.
Dressed in faded blue jeans and a white shirt, Brady looked confident and dangerous. His blonde hair was gelled slightly and the tribal tattoo peaked out from underneath his sleeve. Clarissa was his twin with her own simple white tank top and a blue jean miniskirt. Her hair had been pulled back into a high French braid that as she laughed, she twisted around and the braid smacked Matt Krone in the face. The golden giant grimaced and caught the hair. Clarissa laughed harder and leaned into him. Her hand fell on his chest for balance.
Brady watched it looking somber. And I watched him. Instead of jealousy or even annoyance, I was surprised to see a slight flash of regret. But what did he regret? Choosing me over her? Was he rethinking all of it? Is that what he wanted to tell me when he came over?
Then I realized how crazy I was becoming. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered because at that moment, I didn't even know if I could handle being his friend. I caught my breath when Brady started to turn his head. His eyes started to sweep the hallway and it was a matter of seconds before he saw me. I couldn't talk to him so I took the coward's way out and ducked behind the group of giggling freshmen to sneak away.
The library was within reach. But when I reached for the door handle, Brady spoke behind me, "Hi, Rayna."
Everything stopped in that moment. My heart. My breath. My mind. It all stopped until he added, "Can you turn around? It's humiliating enough to have to come to my old school to talk to my best friend because I know she'll avoid me if I don't."
I looked down. "We shouldn't talk here."
"You threw me out last night. I…listen, I know you think that I was taking back things, but it wasn't the case. I was just—"
I couldn't hear how he felt about me, not when he didn't know. It wasn't fair to him or to me. "Stop! Please. Please stop."
"Look at me," Brady demanded.
I did, but I looked past his shoulder. Clarissa stood in the hallway beside her locker now. She stood still as she watched us. When she saw I was looking at her, she tried to smile at me, but I couldn't take it. Who was she to give me sympathy? She wanted Brady until yesterday. People don't change, not really. She wasn't really my friend.
I knew what I had to do. So I closed my eyes and braced myself. "You should be with Clarissa. You should be with someone who can be there for you."
"Come on. Don't be dramatic," Brady tried to soothe, but I stopped him again when I stepped backwards. That's when something snapped in him. I saw it in his eyes. He looked even more determined, almost fierce, as he grabbed my arm. "I was going to tell you last night that I was worried about how people might handle us. I was worried about how you'd handle it if we were together. Last night I was just rethinking things, worrying about you not me. Do I want to be with you? Haven't I already proven that? Then last night you go crazy. You start yelling. Your grandma is almost pushing me out the door. What are you doing to me? I know that I should be calmer, but I can't take this anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy, Rayna."
I couldn't hear what else he had to say. I'd already almost convinced myself that he didn't care and now he was saying he did. I felt tears on my face. "Stop. Please. Stop."
"What? What? Why do you want me to stop? Decide what you want! Do you want me or not?"
Clarissa dropped her book and I jumped. Brady cursed. "Rayna!"
He ran an irate hand through his hair and I saw the anger in him. The problem was that I couldn't figure out what he was angry about. There was a time not many days ago where I would've spent hours agonizing and thinking about why Brady was angry. But this time I could barely handle my own emotions, much less figure out his.
I looked away. "I don't want you."
I clasped my bag to my chest and my lip trembled. Every nerve was stretched thin.
"If you don't want me, then I'm gone. Screw this." His voice was quiet, but rage came off him in waves.
I gasped for breath and looked now.
As Brady marched away, he brushed past Clarissa and I wondered if he even knew she was there. He shoved open the doors a second later and they slammed shut a second later.
My heart was ripped out. He'd dragged it behind him in the hallway.
"Hey….Rayna…hey."
It took another prodding before I realized Clarissa was in front of me. "Huh?"
"What was that about?"
I couldn't focus. I couldn't…Brady just left me.
"Are you okay?"
"I…I don't know."
Bra
dy wasn't going to change his mind now.
Slowly, I turned and pushed open the library doors. They closed behind me with a soft swoosh, but I didn't hear them. I didn't hear anyone or notice anything. I slid numbly into a seat and sat there for the next hour, staring straight ahead.
When I heard the bell ring, I got up and went somewhere else. I sat there until the next bell rang. Sometime later I found myself in the hallway with books clutched against my chest. I stared blankly into an empty hallway. Some part of my brain knew the bell had rung again, but I wasn't sure how long ago it was. I didn't know what time it was.
"Rayna?"
Kid stood there in a black polo shirt over trendy sport shorts. He raked a hand through his brown locks. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Why?" I tried for normal. Maybe he'd buy it.
He frowned and scratched at his jaw. "Because you're standing in the middle of the hallway and school's done."
"Oh."