I couldnt hear the sound of my footsteps as I walked to the waters edge, but I guessed that he could. Edward did not turn. I let the gentle swells break over my toes, and found that hed been right about the temperatureit was very warm, like bath water. I stepped in, walking carefully across the invisible ocean floor, but my care was unnecessary; the sand continued perfectly smooth, sloping gently toward Edward. I waded through the weightless current till I was at his side, and then I placed my hand lightly over his cool hand lying on the water.
Beautiful, I said, looking up at the moon, too.
Its all right, he answered, unimpressed. He turned slowly to face me; little waves rolled away from his movement and broke against my skin. His eyes looked silver in his ice-colored face. He twisted his hand up so that he could twine our fingers beneath the surface of the water. It was warm enough that his cool skin did not raise goose bumps on mine.
But I wouldnt use the word beautiful, he continued. Not with you standing here in comparison.
I half-smiled, then raised my free handit didnt tremble nowand placed it over his heart. White on white; we matched, for once. He shuddered the tiniest bit at my warm touch. His breath came rougher now.
I promised we would try, he whispered, suddenly tense. If if I do something wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once.
I nodded solemnly, keeping my eyes on his. I took another step through the waves and leaned my head against his chest.
Dont be afraid, I murmured. We belong together.
I was abruptly overwhelmed by the truth of my own words. This moment was so perfect, so right, there was no way to doubt it.
His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him, summer and winter. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire.
Forever, he agreed, and then pulled us gently into deeper water.
The sun, hot on the bare skin of my back, woke me in the morning. Late morning, maybe afternoon, I wasnt sure. Everything besides the time was clear, though; I knew exactly where I wasthe bright room with the big white bed, brilliant sunlight streaming through the open doors. The clouds of netting would soften the shine.
I didnt open my eyes. I was too happy to change anything, no matter how small. The only sounds were the waves outside, our breathing, my heartbeat.
I was comfortable, even with the baking sun. His cool skin was the perfect antidote to the heat. Lying across his wintry chest, his arms wound around me, felt very easy and natural. I wondered idly what Id been so panicky about last night. My fears all seemed silly now.
His fingers softly trailed down the contours of my spine, and I knew that he knew I was awake. I kept my eyes shut and tightened my arms around his neck, holding myself closer to him.
He didnt speak; his fingers moved up and down my back, barely touching it as he lightly traced patterns on my skin.
I would have been happy to lie here forever, to never disturb this moment, but my body had other ideas. I laughed at my impatient stomach. It seemed sort of prosaic to be hungry after all that had passed last night. Like being brought back down to earth from some great height.
Whats funny? he murmured, still stroking my back. The sound of his voice, serious and husky, brought with it a deluge of memories from the night, and I felt a blush color my face and neck.
To answer his question, my stomach growled. I laughed again. You just cant escape being human for very long.
I waited, but he did not laugh with me. Slowly, sinking through the many layers of bliss that clouded my head, came the realization of a different atmosphere outside my own glowing sphere of happiness.
I opened my eyes; the first thing I saw was the pale, almost silvery skin of his throat, the arc of his chin above my face. His jaw was taut. I propped myself up on my elbow so I could see his face.
He was staring at the frothy canopy above us, and he didnt look at me as I studied his grave features. His expression was a shockit sent a physical jolt through my body.
Edward, I said, a strange little catch in my throat, what is it? Whats wrong?
You have to ask? His voice was hard, cynical.
My first instinct, the product of a lifetime of insecurities, was to wonder what I had done wrong. I thought through everything that had happened, but I couldnt find any sour note in the memory. It had all been simpler than Id expected; wed fit together like corresponding pieces, made to match up. This had given me a secret satisfactionwe were compatible physically, as well as all the other ways. Fire and ice, somehow existing together without destroying each other. More proof that I belonged with him.
I couldnt think of any part that would make him look like thisso severe and cold. What had I missed?
His finger smoothed the worried lines on my forehead.
What are you thinking? he whispered.
Youre upset. I dont understand. Did I ? I couldnt finish.
His eyes tightened. How badly are you hurt, Bella? The truthdont try to downplay it.
Hurt? I repeated; my voice came out higher than usual because the word took me so by surprise.
He raised one eyebrow, his lips a tight line.
I made a quick assessment, stretching my body automatically, tensing and flexing my muscles. There was stiffness, and a lot of soreness, too, it was true, but mostly there was the odd sensation that my bones all had become unhinged at the joints, and I had changed halfway into the consistency of a jellyfish. It was not an unpleasant feeling.
And then I was a little angry, because he was darkening this most perfect of all mornings with his pessimistic assumptions.
Why would you jump to that conclusion? Ive never been better than I am now.
His eyes closed. Stop that.
Stop what?
Stop acting like Im not a monster for having agreed to this.
Edward! I whispered, really upset now. He was pulling my bright memory through the darkness, staining it. Dont ever say that.
He didnt open his eyes; it was like he didnt want to see me.
Look at yourself, Bella. Then tell me Im not a monster.
Wounded, shocked, I followed his instruction unthinkingly and then gasped.
What had happened to me? I couldnt make sense of the fluffy white snow that clung to my skin. I shook my head, and a cascade of white drifted out of my hair.
I pinched one soft white bit between my fingers. It was a piece of down.
Why am I covered in feathers? I asked, confused.
He exhaled impatiently. I bit a pillow. Or two. Thats not what Im talking about.
You bit a pillow? Why?
Look, Bella! he almost growled. He took my handvery gingerlyand stretched my arm out. Look at that.
This time, I saw what he meant.
Under the dusting of feathers, large purplish bruises were beginning to blossom across the pale skin of my arm. My eyes followed the trail they made up to my shoulder, and then down across my ribs. I pulled my hand free to poke at a discoloration on my left forearm, watching it fade where I touched and then reappear. It throbbed a little.
So lightly that he was barely touching me, Edward placed his hand against the bruises on my arm, one at a time, matching his long fingers to the patterns.
Oh, I said.
I tried to remember thisto remember painbut I couldnt. I couldnt recall a moment when his hold had been too tight, his hands too hard against me. I only remembered wanting him to hold me tighter, and being pleased when he did.
Im so sorry, Bella, he whispered while I stared at the bruises. I knew better than this. I should not have He made a low, revolted sound in the back of his throat. I am more sorry than I can tell you.
He threw his arm over his face and became perfectly still.
I sat for one long moment in total astonishment, trying to come to termsnow that I understood itwith his misery. It was so contrary to the way that I felt that it was difficult to process.
The shock wore off slowly, leaving nothing in its absence. Emptiness. My mind was blank. I could
nt think of what to say. How could I explain it to him in the right way? How could I make him as happy as I wasor as I had been, a moment ago?
I touched his arm, and he didnt respond. I wrapped my fingers around his wrist and tried to pry his arm off his face, but I could have been yanking on a sculpture for all the good it did me.
Edward.
He didnt move.
Edward?
Nothing. So, this would be a monologue, then.
Im not sorry, Edward. Im I cant even tell you. Im so happy. That doesnt cover it. Dont be angry. Dont. Im really f
Do not say the word fine. His voice was ice cold. If you value my sanity, do not say that you are fine.
But I am, I whispered.
Bella, he almost moaned. Dont.
No. You dont, Edward.
He moved his arm; his gold eyes watched me warily.
Dont ruin this, I told him. I. Am. Happy.
Ive already ruined this, he whispered.
Cut it out, I snapped.
I heard his teeth grind together.
Ugh! I groaned. Why cant you just read my mind already? Its so inconvenient to be a mental mute!
His eyes widened a little bit, distracted in spite of himself.
Thats a new one. You love that I cant read your mind.
Not today.
He stared at me. Why?
I threw my hands up in frustration, feeling an ache in my shoulder that I ignored. My palms fell back against his chest with a sharp smack. Because all this angst would be completely unnecessary if you could see how I feel right now! Or five minutes ago, anyway. I was perfectly happy. Totally and completely blissed out. Nowwell, Im sort of pissed, actually.
You should be angry at me.
Well, I am. Does that make you feel better?
He sighed. No. I dont think anything could make me feel better now.
That, I snapped. That right there is why Im angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward.
He rolled his eyes and shook his head.
I took a deep breath. I was feeling more of the soreness now, but it wasnt that bad. Sort of like the day after lifting weights. Id done that with Rene during one of her fitness obsessions. Sixty-five lunges with ten pounds in each hand. I couldnt walk the next day. This was not as painful as that had been by half.
I swallowed my irritation and tried to make my voice soothing. We knew this was going to be tricky. I thought that was assumed. And thenwell, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. And this is really nothing. I brushed my fingers along my arm. I think for a first time, not knowing what to expect, we did amazing. With a little practice
His expression was suddenly so livid that I broke off mid-sentence.
Assumed? Did you expect this, Bella? Were you anticipating that I would hurt you? Were you thinking it would be worse? Do you consider the experiment a success because you can walk away from it? No broken bonesthat equals a victory?
I waited, letting him get it all out. Then I waited some more while his breathing went back to normal. When his eyes were calm, I answered, speaking with slow precision.
I didnt know what to expectbut I definitely did not expect how how just wonderful and perfect it was. My voice dropped to a whisper, my eyes slipped from his face down to my hands. I mean, I dont know how it was for you, but it was like that for me.
A cool finger pulled my chin back up.
Is that what youre worried about? he said through his teeth. That I didnt enjoy myself?
My eyes stayed down. I know its not the same. Youre not human. I just was trying to explain that, for a human, well, I cant imagine that life gets any better than that.
He was quiet for so long that, finally, I had to look up. His face was softer now, thoughtful.
It seems that I have more to apologize for. He frowned. I didnt dream that you would construe the way I feel about what I did to you to mean that last night wasnt well, the best night of my existence. But I dont want to think of it that way, not when you were . . .
My lips curved up a little at the edges. Really? The best ever? I asked in a small voice.
He took my face between his hands, still introspective. I spoke to Carlisle after you and I made our bargain, hoping he could help me. Of course he warned me that this would be very dangerous for you. A shadow crossed his expression. He had faith in me, thoughfaith I didnt deserve.
I started to protest, and he put two fingers over my lips before I could comment.
I also asked him what I should expect. I didnt know what it would be for me what with my being a vampire. He smiled halfheartedly. Carlisle told me it was a very powerful thing, like nothing else. He told me physical love was something I should not treat lightly. With our rarely changing temperaments, strong emotions can alter us in permanent ways. But he said I did not need to worry about that partyou had already altered me so completely. This time his smile was more genuine.
I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second only to drinking human blood. A line creased his brow. But Ive tasted your blood, and there could be no blood more potent than that. I dont think they were wrong, really. Just that it was different for us. Something more.
It was more. It was everything.
That doesnt change the fact that it was wrong. Even if it were possible that you really did feel that way.
What does that mean? Do you think Im making this up? Why?
To ease my guilt. I cant ignore the evidence, Bella. Or your history of trying to let me off the hook when I make mistakes.
I grabbed his chin and leaned forward so that our faces were inches apart. You listen to me, Edward Cullen. I am not pretending anything for your sake, okay? I didnt even know there was a reason to make you feel better until you started being all miserable. Ive never been so happy in all my lifeI wasnt this happy when you decided that you loved me more than you wanted to kill me, or the first morning I woke up and you were there waiting for me. Not when I heard your voice in the ballet studiohe flinched at the old memory of my close call with a hunting vampire, but I didnt pauseor when you said I do and I realized that, somehow, I get to keep you forever. Those are the happiest memories I have, and this is better than any of it. So just deal with it.
He touched the frown line between my eyebrows. Im making you unhappy now. I dont want to do that.
Then dont you be unhappy. Thats the only thing thats wrong here.
His eyes tightened, then he took a deep breath and nodded. Youre right. The past is past and I cant do anything to change it. Theres no sense in letting my mood sour this time for you. Ill do whatever I can to make you happy now.
I examined his face suspiciously, and he gave me a serene smile.
Whatever makes me happy?
My stomach growled at the same time that I asked.
Youre hungry, he said quickly. He was swiftly out of the bed, stirring up a cloud of feathers. Which reminded me.
So, why exactly did you decide to ruin Esmes pillows? I asked, sitting up and shaking more down from my hair.
He had already pulled on a pair of loose khaki pants, and he stood by the door, rumpling his hair, dislodging a few feathers of his own.
I dont know if I decided to do anything last night, he muttered. Were just lucky it was the pillows and not you. He inhaled deeply and then shook his head, as if shaking off the dark thought. A very authentic-looking smile spread across his face, but I guessed it took a lot of work to put it there.
I slid carefully off the high bed and stretched again, more aware, now, of the aches and sore spots. I heard him gasp. He turned away from me, and his hands balled up, knuckles white.
Do I look that hideous? I asked, working to keep my tone light. His breath caught, but he didnt turn, probably to hide his expression from me. I walked to the bathroom to check for myself.
I stared at my naked body in the full-length mirror behind the door.
Id definitely had worse. There was a faint shadow across one of my cheekbones, an
d my lips were a little swollen, but other than that, my face was fine. The rest of me was decorated with patches of blue and purple. I concentrated on the bruises that would be the hardest to hidemy arms and my shoulders. They werent so bad. My skin marked up easily. By the time a bruise showed Id usually forgotten how Id come by it. Of course, these were just developing. Id look even worse tomorrow. That would not make things any easier.
I looked at my hair, then, and groaned.
Bella? He was right there behind me as soon as Id made a sound.
Ill never get this all out of my hair! I pointed to my head, where it looked like a chicken was nesting. I started picking at the feathers.
You would be worried about your hair, he mumbled, but he came to stand behind me, pulling out the feathers much more quickly.