How did you keep from laughing at this? I look ridiculous.
He didnt answer; he just kept plucking. And I knew the answer anywaythere was nothing that would be funny to him in this mood.
This isnt going to work, I sighed after a minute. Its all dried in. Im going to have to try to wash it out. I turned around, wrapping my arms around his cool waist. Do you want to help me?
Id better find some food for you, he said in a quiet voice, and he gently unwound my arms. I sighed as he disappeared, moving too fast.
It looked like my honeymoon was over. The thought put a big lump in my throat.
When I was mostly feather-free and dressed in an unfamiliar white cotton dress that concealed the worst of the violet blotches, I padded off barefoot to where the smell of eggs and bacon and cheddar cheese was coming from.
Edward stood in front of the stainless steel stove, sliding an omelet onto the light blue plate waiting on the counter. The scent of the food overwhelmed me. I felt like I could eat the plate and the frying pan, too; my stomach snarled.
Here, he said. He turned with a smile on his face and set the plate on a small tiled table.
I sat in one of the two metal chairs and started snarfing down the hot eggs. They burned my throat, but I didnt care.
He sat down across from me. Im not feeding you often enough.
I swallowed and then reminded him, I was asleep. This is really good, by the way. Impressive for someone who doesnt eat.
Food Network, he said, flashing my favorite crooked smile.
I was happy to see it, happy that he seemed more like his normal self.
Where did the eggs come from?
I asked the cleaning crew to stock the kitchen. A first, for this place. Ill have to ask them to deal with the feathers. He trailed off, his gaze fixed on a space above my head. I didnt respond, trying to avoid saying anything that would upset him again.
I ate everything, though hed made enough for two.
Thank you, I told him. I leaned across the table to kiss him. He kissed me back automatically, and then suddenly stiffened and leaned away.
I gritted my teeth, and the question I meant to ask came out sounding like an accusation. You arent going to touch me again while were here, are you?
He hesitated, then half-smiled and raised his hand to stroke my cheek. His fingers lingered softly on my skin, and I couldnt help leaning my face into his palm.
You know thats not what I meant.
He sighed and dropped his hand. I know. And youre right. He paused, lifting his chin slightly. And then he spoke again with firm conviction. I will not make love with you until youve been changed. I will never hurt you again.
6. DISTRACTIONS
My entertainment became the number-one priority on Isle Esme. We snorkeled (well, I snorkeled while he flaunted his ability to go without oxygen indefinitely). We explored the small jungle that ringed the rocky little peak. We visited the parrots that lived in the canopy on the south end of the island. We watched the sunset from the rocky western cove. We swam with the porpoises that played in the warm, shallow waters there. Or at least I did; when Edward was in the water, the porpoises disappeared as if a shark was near.
I knew what was going on. He was trying to keep me busy, distracted, so I that wouldnt continue badgering him about the sex thing. Whenever I tried to talk him into taking it easy with one of the million DVDs under the big-screen plasma TV, he would lure me out of the house with magic words like coral reefs and submerged caves and sea turtles. We were going, going, going all day, so that I found myself completely famished and exhausted when the sun eventually set.
I drooped over my plate after I finished dinner every night; once Id actually fallen asleep right at the table and hed had to carry me to bed. Part of it was that Edward always made too much food for one, but I was so hungry after swimming and climbing all day that I ate most of it. Then, full and worn out, I could barely keep my eyes open. All part of the plan, no doubt.
Exhaustion didnt help much with my attempts at persuasion. But I didnt give up. I tried reasoning, pleading, and grouching, all to no avail. I was usually unconscious before I could really press my case far. And then my dreams felt so realnightmares mostly, made more vivid, I guessed, by the too-bright colors of the islandthat I woke up tired no matter how long I slept.
About a week or so after wed gotten to the island, I decided to try compromise. It had worked for us in the past.
I was sleeping in the blue room now. The cleaning crew wasnt due until the next day, and so the white room still had a snowy blanket of down. The blue room was smaller, the bed more reasonably proportioned. The walls were dark, paneled in teak, and the fittings were all luxurious blue silk.
Id taken to wearing some of Alices lingerie collection to sleep in at nightwhich werent so revealing compared to the scanty bikinis shed packed for me when it came right down to it. I wondered if shed seen a vision of why I would want such things, and then shuddered, embarrassed by that thought.
Id started out slow with innocent ivory satins, worried that revealing more of my skin would be the opposite of helpful, but ready to try anything. Edward seemed to notice nothing, as if I were wearing the same ratty old sweats I wore at home.
The bruises were much better nowyellowing in some places and disappearing altogether in othersso tonight I pulled out one of the scarier pieces as I got ready in the paneled bathroom. It was black, lacy, and embarrassing to look at even when it wasnt on. I was careful not to look in the mirror before I went back to the bedroom. I didnt want to lose my nerve.
I had the satisfaction of watching his eyes pop open wide for just a second before he controlled his expression.
What do you think? I asked, pirouetting so that he could see every angle.
He cleared his throat. You look beautiful. You always do.
Thanks, I said a bit sourly.
I was too tired to resist climbing quickly into the soft bed. He put his arms around me and pulled me against his chest, but this was routineit was too hot to sleep without his cool body close.
Ill make you a deal, I said sleepily.
I will not make any deals with you, he answered.
You havent even heard what Im offering.
It doesnt matter.
I sighed. Dang it. And I really wanted Oh well.
He rolled his eyes.
I closed mine and let the bait sit there. I yawned.
It took only a minutenot long enough for me to zonk out.
All right. What is it you want?
I gritted my teeth for a second, fighting a smile. If there was one thing he couldnt resist, it was an opportunity to give me something.
Well, I was thinking I know that the whole Dartmouth thing was just supposed to be a cover story, but honestly, one semester of college probably wouldnt kill me, I said, echoing his words from long ago, when hed tried to persuade me to put off becoming a vampire. Charlie would get a thrill out of Dartmouth stories, I bet. Sure, it might be embarrassing if I cant keep up with all the brainiacs. Still eighteen, nineteen. Its really not such a big difference. Its not like Im going to get crows feet in the next year.
He was silent for a long moment. Then, in a low voice, he said, You would wait. You would stay human.
I held my tongue, letting the offer sink in.
Why are you doing this to me? he said through his teeth, his tone suddenly angry. Isnt it hard enough without all of this? He grabbed a handful of lace that was ruffled on my thigh. For a moment, I thought he was going to rip it from the seam. Then his hand relaxed. It doesnt matter. I wont make any deals with you.
I want to go to college.
No, you dont. And there is nothing that is worth risking your life again. Thats worth hurting you.
But I do want to go. Well, its not college as much as its that I wantI want to be human a little while longer.
He closed his eyes and exhaled through his nose. You are making me insane, Bella. Havent we had this argument
a million times, you always begging to be a vampire without delay?
Yes, but well, I have a reason to be human that I didnt have before.
Whats that?
Guess, I said, and I dragged myself off the pillows to kiss him.
He kissed me back, but not in a way that made me think I was winning. It was more like he was being careful not to hurt my feelings; he was completely, maddeningly in control of himself. Gently, he pulled me away after a moment and cradled me against his chest.
You are so human, Bella. Ruled by your hormones. He chuckled.
Thats the whole point, Edward. I like this part of being human. I dont want to give it up yet. I dont want to wait through years of being a blood-crazed newborn for some part of this to come back to me.
I yawned, and he smiled.
Youre tired. Sleep, love. He started humming the lullaby hed composed for me when we first met.
I wonder why Im so tired, I muttered sarcastically. That couldnt be part of your scheme or anything.
He just chuckled once and went back to humming.
For as tired as Ive been, youd think Id sleep better.
The song broke off. Youve been sleeping like the dead, Bella. You havent said a word in your sleep since we got here. If it werent for the snoring, Id worry you were slipping into a coma.
I ignored the snoring jibe; I didnt snore. I havent been tossing? Thats weird. Usually Im all over the bed when Im having nightmares. And shouting.
Youve been having nightmares?
Vivid ones. They make me so tired. I yawned. I cant believe I havent been babbling about them all night.
What are they about?
Different thingsbut the same, you know, because of the colors.
Colors?
Its all so bright and real. Usually, when Im dreaming, I know that I am. With these, I dont know Im asleep. It makes them scarier.
He sounded disturbed when he spoke again. What is frightening you?
I shuddered slightly. Mostly . . . I hesitated.
Mostly? he prompted.
I wasnt sure why, but I didnt want to tell him about the child in my recurring nightmare; there was something private about that particular horror. So, instead of giving him the full description, I gave him just one element. Certainly enough to frighten me or anyone else.
The Volturi, I whispered.
He hugged me tighter. They arent going to bother us anymore. Youll be immortal soon, and theyll have no reason.
I let him comfort me, feeling a little guilty that hed misunderstood. The nightmares werent like that, exactly. It wasnt that I was afraid for myselfI was afraid for the boy.
He wasnt the same boy as that first dreamthe vampire child with the bloodred eyes who sat on a pile of dead people I loved. This boy Id dreamed of four times in the last week was definitely human; his cheeks were flushed and his wide eyes were a soft green. But just like the other child, he shook with fear and desperation as the Volturi closed in on us.
In this dream that was both new and old, I simply had to protect the unknown child. There was no other option. At the same time, I knew that I would fail.
He saw the desolation on my face. What can I do to help?
I shook it off. Theyre just dreams, Edward.
Do you want me to sing to you? Ill sing all night if it will keep the bad dreams away.
Theyre not all bad. Some are nice. So colorful. Underwater, with the fish and the coral. It all seems like its really happeningI dont know that Im dreaming. Maybe this island is the problem. Its really bright here.
Do you want to go home?
No. No, not yet. Cant we stay awhile longer?
We can stay as long as you want, Bella, he promised me.
When does the semester start? I wasnt paying attention before.
He sighed. He may have started humming again, too, but I was under before I could be sure.
Later, when I awoke in the dark, it was with shock. The dream had been so very real so vivid, so sensory. I gasped aloud, now, disoriented by the dark room. Only a second ago, it seemed, I had been under the brilliant sun.
Bella? Edward whispered, his arms tight around me, shaking me gently. Are you all right, sweetheart?
Oh, I gasped again. Just a dream. Not real. To my utter astonishment, tears overflowed from my eyes without warning, gushing down my face.
Bella! he saidlouder, alarmed now. Whats wrong? He wiped the tears from my hot cheeks with cold, frantic fingers, but others followed.
It was only a dream. I couldnt contain the low sob that broke in my voice. The senseless tears were disturbing, but I couldnt get control of the staggering grief that gripped me. I wanted so badly for the dream to be real.
Its okay, love, youre fine. Im here. He rocked me back and forth, a little too fast to soothe. Did you have another nightmare? It wasnt real, it wasnt real.
Not a nightmare. I shook my head, scrubbing the back of my hand against my eyes. It was a good dream. My voice broke again.
Then why are you crying? he asked, bewildered.
Because I woke up, I wailed, wrapping my arms around his neck in a chokehold and sobbing into his throat.
He laughed once at my logic, but the sound was tense with concern.
Everythings all right, Bella. Take deep breaths.
It was so real, I cried. I wanted it to be real.
Tell me about it, he urged. Maybe that will help.
We were on the beach. . . . I trailed off, pulling back to look with tear-filled eyes at his anxious angels face, dim in the darkness. I stared at him broodingly as the unreasonable grief began to ebb.
And? he finally prompted.
I blinked the tears out of my eyes, torn. Oh, Edward . . .
Tell me, Bella, he pleaded, eyes wild with worry at the pain in my voice.
But I couldnt. Instead I clutched my arms around his neck again and locked my mouth with his feverishly. It wasnt desire at allit was need, acute to the point of pain. His response was instant but quickly followed by his rebuff.
He struggled with me as gently as he could in his surprise, holding me away, grasping my shoulders.
No, Bella, he insisted, looking at me as if he was worried that Id lost my mind.
My arms dropped, defeated, the bizarre tears spilling in a fresh torrent down my face, a new sob rising in my throat. He was rightI must be crazy.
He stared at me with confused, anguished eyes.
Im s-s-s-orry, I mumbled.
But he pulled me to him then, hugging me tightly to his marble chest.
I cant, Bella, I cant! His moan was agonized.
Please, I said, my plea muffled against his skin. Please, Edward?
I couldnt tell if he was moved by the tears trembling in my voice, or if he was unprepared to deal with the suddenness of my attack, or if his need was simply as unbearable in that moment as my own. But whatever the reason, he pulled my lips back to his, surrendering with a groan.
And we began where my dream had left off.
I stayed very still when I woke up in the morning and tried to keep my breathing even. I was afraid to open my eyes.
I was lying across Edwards chest, but he was very still and his arms were not wrapped around me. That was a bad sign. I was afraid to admit I was awake and face his angerno matter whom it was directed at today.
Carefully, I peeked through my eyelashes. He was staring up at the dark ceiling, his arms behind his head. I pulled myself up on my elbow so that I could see his face better. It was smooth, expressionless.
How much trouble am I in? I asked in a small voice.
Heaps, he said, but turned his head and smirked at me.
I breathed a sigh of relief. I am sorry, I said. I didnt mean Well, I dont know exactly what that was last night. I shook my head at the memory of the irrational tears, the crushing grief.
You never did tell me what your dream was about.
I guess I didntbut I sort of showed you what it was about. I laughed nervously.
&n
bsp; Oh, he said. His eyes widened, and then he blinked. Interesting.
It was a very good dream, I murmured. He didnt comment, so a few seconds later I asked, Am I forgiven?
Im thinking about it.
I sat up, planning to examine myselfthere didnt seem to be any feathers, at least. But as I moved, an odd wave of vertigo hit. I swayed and fell back against the pillows.
Whoa head rush.
His arms were around me then. You slept for a long time. Twelve hours.
Twelve? How strange.
I gave myself a quick once-over while I spoke, trying to be inconspicuous about it. I looked fine. The bruises on my arms were still a week old, yellowing. I stretched experimentally. I felt fine, too. Well, better than fine, actually.