I wanted to be the girl who I was when I was with Zeb all the time. She was who I was choosing, and even with that decision made, I wasn’t exactly sure what steps I needed to take to keep her around forever.
I knew I was going to have to put on my best battle gear for the final court appearance. It was the first time I would be seeing Zeb in weeks, and he wouldn’t be alone. Both his mother and sister were tagging along to hear the final verdict, so I felt outnumbered even though we were all on the same side of this particular fight. I knew I needed to let the woman I was trying so hard to be take the lead if I was going to get through the hearing with my poise and professionalism intact. I bought a new outfit from the same jealous saleswoman who had been hovering over me and Zeb on the day we shopped for sheets, and took an inordinate amount of satisfaction in the fact that she begrudgingly told me the vibrant purple hue didn’t look good on many people but I could pull it off. I thought her eyes were going to pop out of her head when I bought a startlingly yellow shirt to go underneath it. Maybe it was too much, too eye-catching, but I didn’t care . . . and that felt freeing.
I also decided my long, simple hairstyle had to go. All I ever did with my hair was tie it up or pull it back. I wanted it unfussy. But I deserved some fuss. I wanted some fuss. I made an appointment to chop inches off, and while I was at the beauty salon decided to thread as many different shades of blond as I could find through the heavy mass. The end result was eye-catching and trendy. Far more showy and flashy than anything I had ever tried to wear before.
The mask was all the way off, and the woman who was facing the world without it might not have everything figured out just yet, but she was getting there. Even if it was through baby steps like colorful new clothes and a chic new hairdo.
When the day of Zeb’s final custody hearing rolled around, I offered to do the precourt meeting in my office with everyone, as we had previously done, but Zeb turned me down and told me that he and his family would all just see me at the courthouse. He sounded like a stranger. None of his easy humor or sexy innuendo could be found anywhere in his deep voice. He was talking to me like all my other clients did and it stung. There wasn’t a hint of our previous relationship or anything personal in his tone.
Having him turn my own tactics on me felt a little bit like being dropped into a deep lake with frigid water. The shock of the impact was jarring and my limbs quickly went numb. I deserved it but the chill still shook me. It was so much easier not to feel, to pretend not to care. The tide of emotions was free and there was no escaping them as they ebbed and flowed inside of me, drifting and rising around Zeb like he was the gravitational pull that controlled them.
When I got to the courthouse I saw Zeb’s Jeep already parked along the street and it made my heart kick. I couldn’t recall a time in my life when I wanted to see someone so badly. Not even when I moved to Denver and had started to search for Rowdy. I just wanted to look at Zeb. I wanted to see him and breathe him in. I wanted to be in the vortex he created around himself that felt so secure and safe. I wanted to hear his voice rumble and watch his hands stroke his beard while he thought about things. I missed all the big things about having him in my life, but the little ones, the special things that made Zeb, Zeb . . . I was dying for a dose of those.
I was walking around the front of the building when my cell phone rang. I paused to dig it out of my bag in case it was the office calling about something I might need before court, but I almost dropped it when I saw the familiar Seattle number flash across the screen. I juggled my bag back onto the crook of my arm and put the phone to my ear.
“Nathan?” I couldn’t keep the shock out of my voice.
“Uh . . . hey, Sayer. Been a while.”
That was the understatement of the year. I gave him his ring back, told him I was moving to Colorado to find my brother, and hadn’t spoken to him since. It had been a year since I last heard his voice.
“Is everything okay? I’m heading into court for an important case. I don’t have much time to talk.”
He chuckled with no humor in it and I was reminded of why we would have never worked out. “You are always headed into court for an important case. Some things never change, I guess.”
I didn’t like that he was trying to belittle me or what I did, still, but I had broken the guy’s heart, so I figured he was allowed to be a little bit of an ass.
“What do you want, Nathan?”
“Well, I know it’s a long shot, but I’m in Denver for a few days to meet with a potential new client. I thought you might like to get a drink and catch up.”
I nearly tripped over my own feet at his words. I tightened my fingers on my phone and looked toward the front of the building. It felt like I was standing at the crossroads of my past and my future, and if I took one wrong step I would end up losing one and falling dangerously into the other.
I paused for a second instead of blurting out an automatic acceptance to be polite. I hadn’t particularly enjoyed hanging out with Nathan when I had been involved with him. It wasn’t like there was anything wrong with the guy, he just hadn’t been as interesting as my work, and I hadn’t particularly missed him at all since we had been apart. It wasn’t like I was dying to reconnect and spend an awkward hour while he asked what I had been up to and I had to explain that I was exactly where I was when I left Seattle except for the fact that I now had a brother I loved, a roommate I would protect with my life, and a man who owned me but I was too scared to love back. I blew out a breath and replied honestly and truthfully.
“No. I don’t really want to catch up, Nathan.” There was no guilt, no worry or recrimination, because the woman I was now, the woman I was when I was with Zeb, didn’t need to feel bad for saying no. I didn’t want to see him and there was nothing outside of my own knee-jerk reaction to do what would be the easiest making me. It was liberating to say no with zero concern as to what his reaction would be.
He sighed on the other end of the phone and I looked at the screen of my cell to see what time it was. I still had a few minutes, but what was waiting for me in the courthouse was way more important to me than Nathan’s aggravation.
“God, Sayer, you’re still as cold as winter.”
I scoffed a little because I wasn’t anymore. The woman I was now ran both hot and cold, felt everything, including annoyance that he was egotistical enough to think his time was more valuable than mine. “No, Nathan, I’m not. What I am is busy.”
“You were always busy. That was what kept us from really connecting.”
I sighed heavily and paused as I reached the front doors of the courthouse. What kept us from connecting was the fact that I hadn’t loved him and he hadn’t loved me . . . not the real me anyway.
A flash of pink caught my eye, and I felt my mouth drop open in stunned shock when I saw the same young woman who had been giving Quaid hell the last time I was here come barreling out the doors. She was very pretty up close, in a surprisingly delicate way that didn’t go with her shocking hair color or the angry twist of her mouth. I couldn’t make out the color of her eyes as she flew past me, but I could see her eye makeup smeared across her face and the distinct tracks of tears on her face. Quaid was hot on her heels, looking as polished and professional as ever in a severe gray suit, minus the fact that his hair was standing up on the top of his head in a thousand directions like he had been pulling on it. He didn’t seem to notice me, and I was about to call out a greeting when I saw him reach out and pull the young woman to a stop by her arm. He spun her around, shouted something I couldn’t make out, which made me want to interrupt because he was obviously about to lose his cool. However, when I started to speak Quaid yanked the woman up on her tiptoes until they were lined up and his mouth was on hers.
I blinked in shock at the sight.
It was there as Quaid pulled the struggling girl closer and as she reluctantly gave in and curled her arms around his wide shoulders. The color. The risk. The more than love that people needed to be
together forever. The more that made people strive to be better for the people that honestly cared about them. Quaid and the pink-haired firecracker appeared to be so wrong together. His divorce had jaded him and made him hard. She was too young for him and seemed so disillusioned. Not to mention that she was his client . . . his criminal client, but I could see something special in the way he handled her even as she jerked away from him and then slapped him across his too handsome face before stalking off; there was more there between them. It was vibrant. It sparked with life and it made me envy what I had willingly walked away from.
I missed everything about being with Zeb.
“Sayer?” I had forgotten all about Nathan on the other end of the phone and ducked inside the building before Quaid could catch sight of me witnessing his heated moment with the girl. I was shaken a little and I wasn’t really sure why.
“I’m getting ready to go through security. I have to go. I honestly hope that one day you meet someone who makes you want to do more, Nathan.”
I didn’t bother to explain beyond that. He muttered a sour-sounding good-bye, and I hung up so I could send everything through the X-ray and walk through the metal detector. I was nervous when I entered the room where Zeb and his family had been told to wait for me before the final ruling.
I tried to force it down but some of my anxiety must have shown on my face when my gaze locked on his dark green one because before I could rattle out a shaky hello, a lovely, dark-haired woman who could only be his mother was in front of me, forcing me to tear my eyes off him with her hand held out.
“Hello. I’m Melissa Fuller. I can’t tell you how grateful we are for all the work you’ve done to help Zeb and Hyde. We can’t wait to have him home for good.”
Zeb growled from across the room and his deep voice rumbled out a gruff “This is my attorney, Sayer Cole.” I didn’t miss the emphasis that he put on the word “attorney.” It made me cringe, even though that was the role I’d chosen to play in his life. It still prickled when he gave me what I wanted . . . or what I thought I wanted.
I shook the woman’s hand and cleared my throat. Zeb was still staring at me from where he was propped up against the wall, but I ignored him and shook the hand of the other woman who came forward. She looked so much like Zeb that I knew she had to be his sister. When she introduced herself as Beryl and raked her eyes over me in a very speculative way, I couldn’t help but feel judged, not in a bad way, but the woman was obviously assessing my worth. I wanted to blurt out that I knew her little brother deserved better than what I had put him through as of late, but instead I told their mother, “Zeb has had to do most of the work. I just put the wheels in motion. Hyde should be at home with his family. I was happy to have a hand in making it happen.”
I looked at Zeb out of the corner of my eye, but he hadn’t moved a muscle. I could see a muscle in his cheek flexing under his beard and his eyebrows were furrowed over his eyes like he was contemplating something really troubling. I wanted to rub the furious lines away with my fingertips. I put my bag on the table and told the women to take a seat so I could briefly explain what was going to happen once we went before the judge. I looked at Zeb and asked him quietly if he wanted to join us.
He just shook his head and stayed where he was, looming like a grumpy statue and filling the tiny space with waves of discontent and annoyance. He wasn’t happy with me, which was fine. I wasn’t very happy with myself either. But I was getting there.
When the women sat down across from me, I ran through what would happen if the judge decided he wanted to speak with them about Zeb’s fitness as a parent. I warned Beryl that if she took the stand there was a very good chance that her history with Joss’s father would be brought up, and how it had led to Zeb’s arrest. I told her to keep calm, state the facts only, and to focus on how Zeb was with her daughter now. I told her to tell the court that she had no qualms about leaving Joss in Zeb’s care and to focus on how far he had come since his time in prison. I gave her a little grin and told her that all she had to do was tell the judge why Zeb was a great brother and uncle, to which she replied, “Piece of cake.”
I liked her immediately and it made me feel even worse for being the cause of the massive thundercloud that lurked in the corner of the room.
The woman nodded solemnly and continued to watch me like she was trying to figure out what made me tick. If she found an answer I was ready to beg her to share it with me because whatever mechanism had been used to wind me up and keep me going over the years felt broken and all the springs stretched out and sprung.
I turned to Zeb’s mom and found her looking between me and her son with speculation bright in her green eyes. I tapped my fingernails on the table like I always did when I was nervous and didn’t bother to stop when she finally landed her gaze back on me.
“If the judge calls you to the stand, it will mostly be to talk to you about taking care of Hyde after school until Zeb gets off of work. He’ll ask you how many hours you anticipate caring for him, how you plan on juggling a five-year-old with your existing schedule, and he may or may not ask your opinion about how you think Zeb will handle fatherhood full-time. All you need to do is present a united front with Beryl and show the court how much a part of your family Hyde already is. The judge already wants him to be with Zeb, so this is about all of us convincing him he made the right choice.”
She smiled at me and I caught a glimpse of where Zeb got his dimple. “Zeb’s done a fantastic job with Hyde so far. He might be a tad more lenient than I was with him when he was that age, but he’s learning.” She raised her dark eyebrows at me and reached out to pat my still twitching hands. “Being a single parent is never ideal, though. It’s nice to have someone else around to help handle the day-to-day trials and tribulations of raising a family.”
I forced my fingers to stop and looked over her shoulder toward her son. Zeb was still watching me and his face had turned even stonier at his mother’s words. He finally pushed off the wall and made like he was going to run his hands through his hair only to remember it was slicked back and somewhat presentable for court. He stopped short and huffed out a deep breath.
“Beryl and I turned out just fine, Ma. I promise not to ruin Hyde if it ends up being just me and him for the long haul.”
She laughed and we all got to our feet when I mentioned that it was time to head into the courtroom. “Of course you won’t ruin him, Zeb, and obviously there is no way on God’s green earth that you and that adorable little boy are going to be alone for long.”
She might have been speaking to her son, but she was looking right at me when she said it. She gave me a knowing look as she moved past me toward the door. It was Melissa Fuller’s truth, and it was as heavy as a ton of bricks when it hit me.
Her meaning was clear. Get my shit together right quick or else someone not scared, and not searching, was going to step up in my place and there would be no one else to blame for everything I stood to lose this time but me. Zeb got more than his dimple from his mother; his forthrightness and in-your-face honesty, no matter how harsh it might seem, obviously had come from her as well.
Zeb paused before me on his way out the door and I gazed up at him with everything I had inside of me shining out of my eyes.
“Good luck today.” My voice cracked and oozed longing at him.
His nostrils flared as he breathed out a heavy breath. He lifted a hand toward my face like he was going to cup my cheek but let it fall before he made contact. I wanted to cry as it fell away.
“I don’t need luck. I have you. I like your hair, and you look really pretty today.” His words wrapped around me and squeezed tight. I wanted to cuddle into that feeling and forget the ache of his absence that had been my constant companion the last few weeks. I let him walk out in front of me and took a second to bend over and rest my hands on my knees so I could catch my breath. Those goddamn feelings could pack one hell of a punch when they were free to do their thing.
When w
e got into the courtroom the mood was surprisingly optimistic. The heavy uncertainty that had reigned the first time we had done this was long gone. This all felt like no more than a formality. We followed all the protocols as the judge entered the room and I answered all the questions from the bench as we went over the home visit, Zeb’s progress on the classes he had been ordered to take, and the details of everything the judge had handed down at the last hearing. The judge seemed pleased with Zeb’s progress and asked him to get up and go to the bench. I nodded at him encouragingly and reminded him to simply be honest. It was what he was best at after all.
“How have the overnight weekends been going, Mr. Fuller?”
Zeb shrugged and then straightened up and spoke clearly and firmly. “There has been some transition. Hyde is really scared to be alone, and I think he’s sensitive about being shuffled between my place and the foster home. He always asks me if I’m going to come back for him. And the kid would live on pizza alone if I let him, so there have been a few meltdowns when I wanted him to eat like real people.”
That startled a laugh out of the judge, which made me smile.
“We work through it. My mom and sister have been great and Hyde’s mother had a really good friend that he was close to. She’s been by to visit him, so I think he knows we’re all just trying to make him as comfortable as possible. I may spoil him rotten, but I figure I have a lot of lost time to make up for.”
“What about the practicalities of transitioning the child into your care on a full-time basis: school, day care, health insurance? How are you doing on all of those things?”
“Hyde won’t go to kindergarten until fall since his birthday is late in the year. I’m going to enroll him in the same district as my niece so that my mother can pick him up and watch him for me until I get off work. Joss already loves him and I would rather have him with family than in day care.”
He looked over his shoulder at his mother and she gave him a nod. The judge watched the exchange over the rims of his glasses and made a note in the file he had open on the desk. “What about insurance?”