My inner self pulled at her hair, jerked in too many directions. A herd: madness, anger, fear, betrayal, loss, and a thousand others, demanded a portion of me. Each internal limb was strapped to a different emotion and torn in all directions.
"You?" I looked at Nicolai, stepping back in shock. "Why are you doing this to me?" Somehow, I knew that he had destroyed my cage. His blood, his consciousness, some piece of him had found my haven and obliterated it.
Before I realized what I was doing, my fists flew at him, pummeling him in the stomach and chest. My hand reached out to claw at his face, slashing across his cheek to create a fresh scratch along his scar.
He didn't move, letting me beat at him until finally he grabbed my wrists and I collapsed against him. "Are you done now?" I sobbed and he moved his arms away, as if disgusted by my touch.
Why had he awoken me? I had been safe, warm, hidden; in there I couldn't be touched. How had he done that?
I looked up at him, betrayal as stark across my face as the moonlight was against his scars. "Why?"
"I'll always know where you are. You think it's okay to secret yourself away? Feel nothing and you'll be safe? You're crippling yourself. I only wish I had seen the truth sooner. You're a very convincing actress, I'll give you that. Meanwhile, you have friends, family, and those who have vowed to protect you with their lives here." Nicolai's voice was incredulous, dripping with disappointment. "They have given you their loyalty and you abandon them for numbness?"
"I wasn't trying to...." I dropped off, realizing that I had been lying to myself. "It's not right to play with someone else's mind like this."
"Then it's good that I wasn't playing." As he spoke, Nicolai's hair fell forward, like a hood shadowing his face. His eyes burned like volcanic rocks, seemingly capable of dividing the darkness and withstanding it. He looked menacing.
Torn, I closed my eyes and spoke lightly. "You don't have the right to make that choice. Besides, there are other ways to get me to put my guard down, but losing my trust is definitely not one of them."
Inhaling the frigid night air, I gazed at Nicolai, waiting for any response. His stance was that of a soldier, with his arms crossed and feet evenly spread apart. His body language told me that he stood by his decision. He didn't regret making a rash decision that would affect me, rather than him.
"What is it about men that makes them think they have the right to dictate to the world around them? I'm not a puppet whose strings you can pull or cut whenever you wish. This is my mind, not yours, and you have no place in it."
Nicolai moved closer until his eyes were level with mine. "I wasn't trying to screw with your mind. I was preventing your cowardice."
My hand snapped out and before I knew what was happening, I had smacked him clean across the face. He remained still, then slowly turned his head to face me with thunder in every line and curve of his face.
He thought I was a coward, but after a life of constant war, death, pain, and heartache, it was actually a form of self-preservation. I had witnessed so many horrible things that they would have corrupted me over time if it hadn't been for my mind’s haven.
"You don't know anything about me."
I left him standing in the woods alone. Right then I preferred the solace of the cottage to the voice of an ignorant, self-involved, know-it-all!
CHAPTER 17
WILLOW
When I woke up, my skin felt too tight. As the day wore on, the feeling worsened until I couldn't stand it any longer. I hadn't seen the Hellhounds since the night before. Somehow, I knew my body chemistry drawing me to the pack.
Maloc had given me instructions on navigating the tunnels beneath the cottage. They were brief, however, since he’d seemed anxious to get back to Maye. He had spent the morning telling her and Josephine stories about his life as a warrior.
Izzy startled me when she walked out of a room in the tunnels, which had a camouflaged look to it. "Mind if I borrow you for a minute?" Her voice was oddly detached, making me itch with the strangeness of it.
"Sure, what's up?"
Orbs of light stretched on either side of the highway-like tunnel, illuminating her twitching wings and the curls of her hair. She began pacing nervously, displaying significant effort to rid herself of what was on her mind.
"Would you still have made the same choice if it hadn't been for me? Knowing what you do now, would you do it again?" Izzy's pupils dilated, obliterating all traces of her irises.
"Yes to both. Iz, I would have become a Hellhound either way, but this way you get a second chance at life. I would make the same choice a million times over." I smiled, but her serious expression made me rethink the question.
"Even though I'm not human, and your life is no longer your own?"
What did Izzy want me to say, that I wished she had stayed dead? I was wary of the direction her questions were leading. She circled me, watching and waiting. She was like a carrion bird, scavenging for scraps of information, waiting until I was led astray to feast on my foolishness.
"Iz, you're still you and I'm fine. I feel right with the Hellhounds, like I was always supposed to follow this path. I don't know what you want me to say, but I can't regret my choices."
Her neck stiffened before twitching in sync with her ruffled feathers. She reminded me of a bird in a pet shop that hadn't been hand-fed and therefore would bite, drawing blood from the flesh of the unwary.
"You should have left the choice to me, discussed it beforehand. Now I am going to be alone for all eternity. I'm unnatural, a creature that shouldn't exist. I'm dangerous." Izzy backed away, her horrorstruck face carving into my well intended gift.
I reached out, but she evaded my touch. "Where is this coming from? Everyone can be dangerous, if they choose to be. You still have your willpower, and I didn't know that you would turn out like this. I thought you would be human again."
"You really don't get it." Izzy sighed as her hands clenched a small book in her left hand. "A human is like an ant; they can be dangerous, but they're limited. I'm not. Why didn't you ask Death about the consequences before tossing me into an eternity which will shred away my humanity? I will constantly fight my basic nature. I'm lethal, poisonous … I have more power than anyone should have!"
Izzy lifted the book, revealing its true identity as a journal. "Maye gave me this. It showed me things ... about what I am...." She trailed off, hugging herself, as if by chasing the cold away, her fears would evaporate, too.
"What did it show you?"
Izzy's gaze was heavy and glazed. It was as though an image had been painted over the reality we stood in and it was something only she could see. Her eyes looked directly through me, then she dropped them to the ground, avoiding my gaze.
"I could go mad. Not the type of crazy where you put me into a mental institution with tons of sedatives and anti-psychotics. I would have the power to devastate the world. I'm a danger to the ones I love. I'll...." Visibly, she willed her emotions into place, avoiding a cry-fest. "I'm cursed to live and die alone until the world ends, always keeping my guard up to avoid rendering everyone unconscious within a fifty mile radius. I'm death, life, and transformation. I'll never be the real me again."
With each word, Izzy pulled away from me. Our friendship became less tangible until only a figment remained. "I'm sorry."
"I know you didn't mean to hurt me, but you made a deal with Death and I'm the one who has to live with the consequences."
Izzy walked past me and paused a few feet away without turning. "Did anyone else know about your deal?"
"No. I didn't tell anyone beforehand. It was just me."
Izzy's footsteps retreated, leaving behind only an echo of our friendship to comfort me.
How could such a well-intentioned decision become so mutilated that it resulted in a lethal aftermath? I thought I had been exchanging my life for hers and Ash's. I wanted her to be happy, but instead I had delivered her to hell on Earth; she would be flayed in the sun's inferno, torture
d by the mortal coil, doomed to reside in a living manifestation of a departed one’s loop, repeating over and over in a never-ending spiral.
I made my way through the tunnels, oblivious to my surroundings, lingering in self-deprecating thoughts. Shouts, clanging, and voices drew me from my stupor.
The source of the racket was a gigantic room littered with Hellhounds and Draconians. The room was well lit with fluorescent bulbs, and contained weapons and exercise equipment. In the center of the crowd, Cooper and Kali were being cheered on while they sparred.
"You're getting soft, Kali," Cooper teased. Kali responded by jumping in the air, twisting and snapping her foot across his cheek before landing smoothly.
"Who's getting soft again?"
Cooper touched his newly split lip, pulling away a speck of blood. "You're going to pay for that."
He charged at her, but at the last second he slid, feet-first, across the ground. Wrapping his legs around hers, he flipped onto his side, tripping her. Rolling towards him, Kali slammed her forearm into his abdomen, eliciting a grunt of pain as he held his stomach. Moving away, they both stood to face each other.
Bay waved and called out, "Willow, you're here!" My presence brought an end to the match, as everyone stared at me.
"You guys don't need to stop on my account."
Cooper laughed. "Eh, the fight was getting too predictable anyway. You want to get into the ring?"
Kali fumed at the insult.
Uncomfortable, I shook my head adamantly. "Not really, I don't know how to fight."
Aria stepped away from the group. "You have to learn sometime. Now is as good a time as any."
I did not want to put on a show for two groups of expert warriors. I still had nightmares about pretty much every sport imaginable. I had some horrible experiences and didn't relish creating new ones.
"Actually, I should go find Maye and Josephine. I'm supposed to be protecting them." It was a weak excuse, but panic had taken over, making it difficult to think.
Amused, Ivy shook her head. "You aren't getting out of it that easily. They're right. Besides, what help would you be if you don't even know how to protect them?"
I groaned in misery, facing the inevitable. "Give us a second." Ivy grasped my upper arm and pulled me to the side of the gymnasium. "You'll be fine. Just make sure that you don't just focus on his limbs, be aware of every part of him. The tiniest movement could reveal his next move. Do you know how to block attacks?"
She grabbed my arms and positioned them with my right arm crossing my chest and my left crossing my neck. Then Ivy angled my hips and widened my stance. I felt like a kid in a movie pretending to know Karate to get some bullies off of my back.
"Never let down your guard. Instinctually, you're going to want to fend off attacks, but don't forget that you need to get some in too. Remember: eyes open."
I nodded and we walked back to the group.
Aria gestured to the Draconians. "Any of you up to sparring with Willow?"
Stepping forward, Aidan pulled off his sweater and tossed it to the side. His olive skin gleamed against the lighting, enhancing the definition of his toned body. "I will."
His eyes were gentle, as if he feared he might harm me. However, they had a cast to them that was wise enough to know that it would be degrading if none of them thought I was worthy of a match.
I was relieved that of the Draconians, Aidan was the one would I would go up against. He wasn't as formidable as the others, which might have had something to do with his size being closer to an average male.
I wasn't ready for this. I needed more instruction. I felt like the runt of a litter, left in the elements to fend for myself. Abandoned, I could learn to survive on my own without guidance, or give in to the bitter cold of the world. I wasn't thrilled with either choice.
Aidan and I circled one another, searching for strengths and weaknesses, the eyes of our packs following every move in utter silence. They made me uncomfortable in my own skin, as if I were acting out a play for their entertainment. Still, I pulled on the few tips Ivy had passed on and blocked out my embarrassment.
Focusing on Aidan's core, I was aware of my direct line of sight, my peripheral vision, and I tried to utilize my other senses. The grin on Aidan's face didn't help. It set me off balance, knowing that this was child's play to him. He was a honed fighter, and I couldn't even call myself an amateur.
His hazel eyes bored into mine as he swung out his fist, pulling back at the last second. He was testing my reaction. A few more punches came my way and I quickly learned to duck, jump back, or use my forearms to block his attack.
Suddenly, he spun in place, jumping as he came back to face me, and swiped his foot across my cheek. Blood filled my mouth. I landed on my side and bit my inner cheek. Pushing through the wooziness, I stood and ran at him.
I kicked sideways, trying to catch him in the belly, but he bent his leg and used his knee to block my move. Simultaneously, he clutched my shirt at the collar and threw himself backwards, taking me with him. Using my velocity against me, he kicked with his legs, sending me hurling over his head. I landed face-first on the floor.
I didn't have time to catch my breath before I was being dragged along the floor on my stomach and flipped over onto my back. I rolled over a few times and pushed myself back up to face Aidan.
My body screamed at me to rest, but I refused to listen. Instead, I racked my brain for some way to win the fight. While I was distracted, Aidan took advantage, savagely attacking me until I began responding with instinct. With force that I hadn't known I possessed, my palm shot out, hitting him square in the ribcage. He slid across the ground until the top of his head connected with a cement wall.
I jumped on top of Aidan, straddling him. I quickly swung my hips around, catching his arm between my thighs and fell to the side, pulling his arm along with me. He grunted in pain, attempting to move, but my lower legs held him in stasis. His other arm pried at my shoulder, locating a pressure point, and I cried out as I released him.
Aidan had experience and strength, but strength can sometimes slow you down, and experience can be predictable. I was faster and more inventive. I needed to use those traits to my advantage.
While fending off his attack, I looked around at my surroundings. The room was filled with exercise machines and other contraptions. If I could keep him on his toes, he might tire enough for me to gain the upper hand.
Quickly, I turned and ran for the far wall. Shouts from behind told me that they thought I was forfeiting the match, but then I jumped onto the bench-press and vaulted onto the wall. Using a bar for leverage, I stood on it and kicked off high enough to grab onto a beam that stretched across the room from wall to wall.
Swinging onto the ledge, I glanced back and stalked Aidan with my eyes. I prowled, slinking along the beam like a feline goading another cat into a fight over territory.
The high ground gave me confidence. "What's the matter? Afraid of heights?" With perfect balance, I crouched low, using one hand to evenly distribute my weight.
A knowing glint reflected in Aidan's eyes and he followed suit. "You call this high?" Laughing, I gave him room to maneuver and find his balance.
The wood strained beneath our weight, but held us thirty feet off of the ground. The others milled around, anxious for the sparring to resume. Aidan stood still, watching, waiting for me to make a move.
Slowly, I placed one foot in front of the other, my hips swaying with deception, while my eyes pulled his inward. My tresses flowed around me, as if swept up in a draft, though there wasn't any. Just before I came within arm's reach, I paused, noticing the barest change in Aidan's posture.
I tightened my body into a ball and did a backwards summersault. Ending in a crouch, I spun to face Aidan, as he kicked me into the wall at the edge of the beam.
My vision became a relentless migraine, but I pushed through it, forcing oxygen into my lungs, as they protested the invasion.
Aidan delivered a
series of punches and kicks, but I didn't have any ground to give up. His fist blasted towards my nose. I ducked, slammed my own fist into his side, and sent him hurling into the wall at my back.
Aidan grinned at me. "Now you're learning."
His jovial behavior set me off balance. By the time awareness dawned, he had jumped into the air, used my shoulders to flip over me, and ended with a spinning back kick delivered at my tailbone. Moments later, I had fallen to the floor.
"Ah, hell. You okay?" Aidan shouted at me from the ledge. He seemed genuinely concerned, but since he was the one who had given me such an agonizing blow, I didn't feel the need to put him at ease.
Wolfe, the Draconian who seemed the most human, held out his hand to help me up. "Dang! Aidan, man, if you're that hungry to kick someone's ass until January, couldn't you have used that stamina on Ryder?"
Ryder squinted at Wolfe. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just that you can be a pain in the ass sometimes. It wouldn't hurt for you to be kicked in it once in a while." Wolfe laughed, catching Ryder in a headlock and giving him a noogie.
"You're asking for a beating, Wolfe." Nicolai walked into the room, causing the guys to quit their rough housing immediately. Aidan jumped down from the beam, while the Hellhounds remained cautiously silent, appraising everyone.
"We were just having some matches..." Cooper began.
Rafe cut him off. "We're teaching Willow how to fight."
Nicolai's gaze lingered on Rafe. "It looks to me like you're teaching her how to fall."
I chimed in. "They were showing me some moves. I wanted to learn. The falling was my own fault."
The Hellhounds nodded in agreement and Aria backed Rafe's comment with one of her own. "It's okay. We asked for their help."
"In the meantime, we have civilians upstairs, who could be attacked anytime now. From now on, if you want to mess around down here, some have to remain on duty."
Aria looked as if Hell were brandishing a sword through her chest, straining to decapitate Nicolai for his demeaning words. "Of course. Willow and Kali can stay down here. The rest of us will be upstairs, protecting the charges." She nodded and walked from the room with the rest of the pack following.