"Yes, tomorrow night. I'll be able to visit whenever I want to...." The last was said halfheartedly because we all knew that it wasn't the same. They wouldn't be able to run to me when something horrible happened. They wouldn't have any way to contact me. Instead, I would be like a favorite cousin who lived in another state, limited to a long distance friendship filled with short emails and occasional visits. Eventually, those would deteriorate, until I wasn't a part of the trio any longer. Izzy and Savannah would be the duo, and I would be lost to them.
I was barely aware of leaning into the wall or the flood drifting down my cheeks like a monsoon. My fingernails sunk into the wooden floor, clawing at something of substance that would hold me to this place. I drew blood, and didn't notice my physical reaction to the turmoil within, but they did.
Izzy's temper dissipated and Savannah sank to her knees beside me. I looked up at them, noting again how lucky I was to have them, but then I remembered I would only have temporary custody from now on.
"I'm sorry, Willow,” said Izzy. “I know you don't have a choice. I can be a jerk sometimes. We all know that." Izzy came forward solidly and took my hand. "Here, why don't you pinch or slap me? Letting out some steam might be a good idea." She shrugged. "I'm dead anyway. It won't hurt."
Laughing, I pushed her away, but her words seemed to echo against the walls of my skull. She was still dead. Death had promised he would give back her life. Why wasn't he keeping up his end of the bargain?
I spent most of the sleepover thinking about the clichés involving bargains with Death. I couldn't help but remember that he was known for trickery. Ancient myths spoke of people who had made deals they thought were good, only to discover that Death interpreted it differently. Did this mean that I had somehow made things worse? How could giving life to someone be construed differently? Life was life and death was death. They were solid terms and I couldn't imagine them meaning something else. But what if they could?
Savannah's Journal
The entire sleepover was awkward. Willow would be leaving soon, and Izzy and I grew further apart every day. To make matters worse, I desperately wanted to be there for Willow and make the night memorable, but throughout the evening I was easily startled. I couldn't even look in the mirror without remembering my reflection in the glass of my vision, and the gruesome mouth that had attempted to trap me in its jaws.
I replayed the vision in my mind over and over again. Each repetition allowed me to notice aspects that had slipped my notice before. However, I couldn't be sure if they were truly there or figments of my imagination. Could my mind be creating new aspects to my vision to fill in the gaps? Kit's presence in my mind was the one thing keeping me sane.
I was constantly surprised at the events in my life that I had overcome. I supposed my childhood had prepared me for a life of agony, loss, and confusion. I had never been the type of girl to lean on others. Instead, I carried my loved ones around me, lifting them up through life's difficulties. But that meant I still felt alone. Even now.
Kit was brushing against my thoughts the way a domestic cat would against their human’s heels. It was a sign of affection and a reminder that I would never be alone again. He would remain a part of me, always.
SAVANNAH
The phantom of guilt lingered throughout the sleepover. Its hand clenched at the back of my neck, causing tension that spread through my body, and pain that radiated against my skull. I knew this was Willow's last night as a free witch, but I couldn't throw myself into a typical teenage sleepover with so much stress weighing me down. I was worried about her, but I also couldn't help considering my precarious mental state.
Josephine had told me that my vision had been a form of divination coupled with astral projection. However, the events I’d experienced during the vision concerned me. Not only had I seen Asmodeus, but I was fairly certain that I hadn't slept through the entire time in the place of Divine Energy. I couldn't remember much after falling asleep beside the water, but memories teased at the peripheral vision of my mind. The tantalizing sense that something was missing wouldn't lessen. I felt like an old woman whose long term memory remained intact, but whose short term memory had been stripped away.
Our placating gaiety continued throughout the night, until we settled in to sleep. I wasn't the only one who was distracted. Willow seemed lost in her own thoughts; her eyes had fastened onto Izzy the moment our sleepover began and remained until Izzy's form dissipated into a hazy mist.
As a ghost, Izzy didn't have a need for sleep, but she chose to fade during the night. She found it lonely to drift by, watching her loved ones rest, while she would spend eternity as a restless ghost. Izzy had never been one to wallow in self-pity, but as days went by she had begun to long for a true death.
A few weeks ago, I’d found Izzy sobbing in my bedroom. Her tears were not similar to those of the living, but instead created a dry ice effect that turned my room into an eerie dungeon. She spoke aloud what everyone else had wondered, but had been afraid to ask: why did she remain a ghost while everyone else moved into the afterlife? Why did Death insist on taking Ash, but not have a care for her continued haunting? I hadn't been able to answer those questions in my own mind, much less for Izzy. Instead, I told her something Maye had told me as a child, shortly after I came to live with her.
Life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to seek those answers that continues to give meaning to life. You can spend your life wallowing in despair, wondering why you were the one who was led towards the road strewn with pain, or you can be grateful that you were strong enough to survive it.
Izzy had taken those words to heart, deciding that she must still have a purpose, and that her road wasn't meant to end here. Yes, she was dead, but she was still able to connect with the world. She could still touch flesh and change the course of fate, which meant that she had been given a gift. Unlike the others, she didn't have to leave behind her loved ones, knowing that they needed her. Izzy was certain that her purpose was to protect the people she loved, and since that epiphany, she had greeted each day a bit more like her old self.
Forgotten images drifted in and out of sight during my restless night. A faded memory of something soft and soothing carried a feeling of safety until waves of silence lulled me to sleep. I awoke a few times during the night, hearing Willow's delicate sobs, but forced myself to let her be when I really wanted to alleviate her pain. I knew that this was something she needed to face alone. She wanted to be strong and couldn't risk leaning on others when she was about to be torn from them.
At dawn, I gave up the fight to sleep. Willow's breathing was slow and even, her eyes puffy and red, but she had found a measure of peace in her sleep. I didn't want to wake her. I left the bedroom with a quick glance at the window seat. The hazy apparition that Izzy claimed during sleep still misted against the window. She would be there if Willow woke up.
Quietly, I closed the door and tiptoed until I reached the stairs. On a whim, I slipped my legs onto either side of the banister and slid to the base. A tiny speck of laughter leaked through, but stopped abruptly when hands grasped my hips and lowered me to the floor.
I remained still, not daring to breathe or turn. The hands stayed fastened to me, but clenched into claws which bit into my pajama bottoms. It didn't hurt, but it had the echo of anger. I lowered my hands to the ones at my waist, pulled them away, and turned.
I was facing Ash, a darker Ash. Shadows danced against his skin and seemed to sink through his flesh. Anguish lingered in his eyes and he held a look I hadn't seen in months, a look that whispered in my ear and caressed my cheek. He was truly looking at me. We stood in silence, evaluating one another, hesitant to break the tentative truce the darkness had brought with it.
Warmth radiated from him. I wanted him to pull me against his bare torso and hold me the way he used to before everything became weird. Aware of a small tingle in my right hand, I glanced down to see it locked with his. He became aware of it too
, but didn't pull away. I didn't want to break the spell that had ensnared us.
Closing my eyes, I hoped that I wasn’t dreaming. It was the first sign that Ash might be willing to repair our relationship; that we might be able to go back to the way things once were.
"I can't." Ash pushed away suddenly, nearly throwing me off balance. "S...." He ran his fingers through his tousled hair and locked his eyes with mine, "I don't know what's real anymore. What you said before about me hurting you, I don't want that, but being around you hurts me." He looked away. The darkness accentuated the fire in his eyes, announcing his lack of control.
"Why?"
"What?" Ash's eyes narrowed in confusion.
"Why does it hurt you? We're family, and no matter what has or hasn't happened in the past, this is real." I moved closer, lifted his hand, and placed it against my open palm. "I'm real. My entire life has been one big lie. Everything I thought I knew has been turned upside down and you...." My voice broke. "You are the only person who has ever managed to make me happy. Even in my darkest hour, you were there for me. I can't believe that you would just throw it all away because of what he did to us!"
I shed the deceitful cloak I had worn all summer, my defense against the chaos of my life. So long as I wore that cloak, I could hide how I truly felt. I could be brave in the face of my loss, smile through the last days before my best friend left, hug the ghostly apparition of my only human friend, and face the family I’d lost. That cloak had taken the place of my box. I no longer closeted myself in a dark abyss of numbness, but wore a mask against the truth. I couldn't do it any longer.
"How could you choose a life without me?" I sounded far away, lost, and a bit like the little girl who had shown up on Maye's lawn so long ago. I hadn't thought I could hurt more than I had then, but life had taught me that there were many types of pain. One kind of pain would be haunting, another like the cold sting of glass slicing through skin, peeling apart my only protection against the frigid winter.
Ash said nothing, he simply stared. In the face of my raw pain, he did nothing, which was almost worse than if he had done something cruel or walked away. His eyes never left my face. He chose to bear witness to my agony, as if he were watching a movie with fictional characters and false emotions. He showed no sign that he recognized the truth of my emotions behind my silver eyes.
"I...."
A single syllable was all he gave me. I couldn't take the betrayal. My pain multiplied, transforming into anger. I was possessed by a need for release that continued to build. Ash pushed backwards with a shocked expression that I barely took note of, gasping for breath. The anger was a fire pushing against every part that was me. Everything I had been through – what I was losing – those that I knew I would soon say goodbye to ... I screamed, gasped, and bore the pain in a single tide.
Ash moved into the corner near the door. Footsteps moved behind me on the staircase and I turned to see both Izzy and Willow hurrying down. When they saw my face, they moved away from me in horror.
The emotional tide came back in a single rush, bathing over me in a horrifying display of emotion that I didn't know I possessed. My attempts to quench what I was feeling were futile, until I looked across the hall at the mirror. It covered the burn damage from Ash's loss of control. My eyes had gone black, matching the ebony veins branching out from them to cover the entirety of my face. My skin looked the way Asmodeus's had when he had been enraged. I recognized it for what it was – a genetic trait passed down from the blood of demons and angels – the eternal proof that evil lurked beneath the surface, bathing in my veins, biding its time until it could consume me.
At once, the charred veins swept back towards my eyes and my face was once again ordinary. My screams turned to ones of fear and I crumpled on the stairs. What was I? A monster? Could a monster fight its nature or would it forever sacrifice its loved ones until death could claim it?
Typically, a witch came into their full power on their sixteenth birthday, and though it seemed I had, over the summer my power had altered, growing and transforming my body chemistry. Maye called it an additional transformation because of my unique conception, but I thought of it as a curse. It made me different and dangerous. It made me like Asmodeus.
"S, it's okay." My hands were pushed away from my face to reveal the silvery sheen of tears. Ash's expression held concern and determination. He swept me into his arms and carried me into the living room to place me on the couch. Kneeling before me, he grasped my wrists and repeated his earlier words, as if saying everything was okay, would make it so.
Willow was suddenly at my side. "It's okay to be different," she said. Hearing those words from anyone other than Willow would have been irritating. The two of us had changed drastically, and had to come to terms with that. Izzy, on the other hand, was in denial. She continued through her days as if she were entirely alive. We placated her, which made her words all the more surprising.
"Willow's right, we're all different. It's not like there are a bunch of ghosts around for me to hang with. Willow is a freaking dog, and you are a kickass Anakim." I could tell that Willow wanted to explain the difference between a Hellhound and a dog, but Izzy ignored her and kept talking. "There isn't anything wrong with any of that." She shrugged. "Besides, who wants to be normal anyway? We get to be unique. We can use our differences to do something amazing with our lives ... or in my case, death." She smiled and plopped down onto the opposite end of the couch with a proud expression.
Ash was still holding my wrists, and was currently tracing his thumbs over the sensitive inner area. The gesture was reminiscent of his behavior when Asmodeus had possessed him, which made me uncomfortable. I moved away to settle myself into the corner of the couch with my knees pressed close to my chest.
"I suppose, but I still think this sucks. All I want is to close my eyes and wake up to a normal life."
I couldn't help but think of the irony behind my words. When I’d came to live with Ash and Maye, I thought what I had was a normal life. Now, I wanted something entirely different. Would I always wish for an alternate life, or was there a small chance that I might learn to appreciate what I already had?
"If you had a normal life, you wouldn't be you and all our lives would be the worse for it." It didn't matter that Willow was the one to voice it, because the look in Izzy's eyes, and the gentle caress of Ash's fingers on my ankle, told me that they felt the same way.
I looked up, and for the first time since Asmodeus had wreaked havoc on my life, I thought that I might have a real future. I was surrounded by friendships that could outlast a demon, death, and hopefully the blood-strewn future I’d glimpsed in my vision.
CHAPTER 4
WILLOW
The sleepover hadn't gone as expected, but the situation with Savannah's loss of control had given me some closure. We were all eccentric in our own ways and could survive anything. I would survive, and I wouldn't be losing them entirely. I would part ways with them for a little while, but we would find our way back to one another. True friendships could never be broken. Izzy had proven that when she’d come back as a ghost. Savannah had demonstrated it with her eternal struggle to fight off the ropes that attempted to tie her down.
My resolve to complete my bargain with Death invigorated me. All I had left to do was say my goodbyes. It was easy to part with the coven. None of them knew it was a final parting. Leaving behind my friends would be harder; I would be faced with their pain in the wake of my own.
Ash and Liam took the initiative to bring my things to the threshold earlier in the day. I think it was their way of taking a little of the stress off my back. I didn't know what to expect during my last few hours with Izzy and Savannah, but I was relieved when they didn't propose anything outlandish. Instead, we spent the day as though it were any other, stubbornly refusing to allow my impending departure to ruin our last day together.
We visited our shed in the woods and the bookstore. Afterwards, we baked apple pies with Joseph
ine and Maye. They were the only adults in the coven who knew I would be departing. Josephine, though older, had an easy friendship with Maye. They moved in sync, the way lifetime best friends could. Each maneuvered around the kitchen in their usual routine, bickering and teasing like sisters.
I wondered if I would have a friend like that. I always thought that Savannah, Izzy, and I, would make it to old age with our friendships strengthening along the way. My departure left that future uncertain. I would be limited to visits, which I doubted would be enough to build a connection that rivaled that of Josephine’s and Maye’s. Time would inch by and I would fade from their minds; more and more time would pass between visits. It seemed inevitable. The hands of the clock would move on and our friendships would evaporate until all substance was gone. Memories would be all I’d have left. Would they be enough?
Half an hour before our meeting with Death, we found ourselves making our way through the forest. My suitcase was suspended by a rope near the threshold and I was thankful when Liam got it down. I wasn't exactly tall. Jumping to try to grab hold of my things would have been humiliating. This night would be tough enough.
The threshold opened at exactly midnight. Light from the other side pierced through to create a fissure, which then spread to show a pathway. We each walked through until all of us were in the glistening beauty that represented the other side.
During the time between entering and exiting the threshold, the breath of life didn't exist. Sound, substance, colors, all dissipated into nothing. Time seemed frozen, as though the Earth held still while we parted ways with one world and entered another.
The place of Divine Energy was exquisite. Each time I walked through its threshold, it revealed a new secret, hidden alcove, or strange creature. In the ordinary world, it had always been difficult to accept that such a place existed in concurrence with our own. The sheer beauty was astonishing in comparison to the deteriorating facade of the real world. For a moment, I wondered if this were heaven and the place we had just parted with was really Hell.