Chapter Sixteen
When I wake it is to Tomas moving around his cabin busying himself with bowls of water, cloths and other instruments I can’t get a good look at. I watch him move while I lay still. He is graceful and lithe in his body and he moves with self-assurance and confidence. He occasionally runs his hand through his dark hair and I find myself yearning to touch his hair in the same way. He turns to walk to the other side of his cabin and catches me staring. I smile up at him and notice the tired lines of his face. He probably hasn’t slept at all, given I am in his bed.
“How are you feeling?” he asks returning my smile.
I do an inventory of my injuries and find that I ache in almost every part of my body, which I guess should be expected from a person who was thrown into the air in an explosion. My hearing has almost completely returned in my right ear, but there is still a muted sound in my left ear, like it is filled with water or something. It’s annoying and I hope it doesn’t last. I look under the blankets at my body and am embarrassed to see that I have been undressed and have bandages on my hip and knees. I quickly pull the blankets back down to my body and look up at an apologetic Tomas. He seems just as embarrassed as I am and tries to look everywhere except at me.
“I’m sorry I had to take your pants off to dress your hip and knees, your hip has a nasty cut and your knees are covered in small grazes and cuts. I had to clean them or they could get infected. I didn’t mean to embarrass you but there was no one else to do it and I couldn’t just leave them…” he trails off in his explanation and my embarrassment ebbs away at his discomfort.
“Thank you, don’t worry about it. Have you had any sleep? I should get out of your bed, how long have I slept?” I ask.
Tomas is relieved at the change in subject and walks over to me feeling my head for a temperature as he answers.
“You slept the rest of the day and all last night, I got a few hours in my chair but I had to help out on deck after I set your fingers and…ah you know”, Tomas answers, embarrassing himself again.
I feel really privileged knowing Tomas as the efficient, levelheaded leader, the kind healer as well as this uncertain embarrassed person in front of me.
“Here, you should take your bed and have some sleep. I’d like to go on deck and see what I can do to help”, I reply as I sit up wincing at the pain in my hip.
“No, no, you can’t, you have to rest. Your hip is really bad and you can’t move your hand at all if you want it to heal properly. If I want a bed I’ll go to one of the other cabins. The others have sorted out everything on deck”, Tomas says as he pushes me back down onto his pillow.
I note the worry in his eyes and wonder if this isn’t an overreaction. I mean a cut on the hip and a couple of broken fingers aren’t life threatening. I’m well rested and feel like I can be of some help clearing up the mess on deck. Tomas stops and looks at me every few seconds, checking if I’m alright and it occurs to me that his reaction might have something to do with the immunity thing. I am determined not to get started off on the wrong foot with that. I thought about it the last couple of days when I considered telling everyone what was in the dome and I decided that no one was going to control what I could or couldn’t do. I’ll reassure everyone that I’m not going to put myself in harm’s way on purpose but I’m also not going to allow myself to be wrapped up in cottonwool.
“Where are my pants?” I ask Tomas.
He looks flustered at the mention of my pants and walks across the room to retrieve them from the chest that sits at the end of his bed. He hesitates when he gets there and looks back at me.
“You know I could just refuse to give these back to you and you’d be stuck in bed where you should stay to recover”, Tomas warns only half in jest.
“I assure you that having no pants on would not stop me from walking out of here and that would probably be more embarrassing for anyone I ran into, including you”, I call his bluff.
He stares at me a moment longer, judging whether I mean it, which I do. I don’t relish the thought of leaving Tomas’ cabin with no pants on but I’m stubborn enough to wear the gossip rather than be held to ransom. He picks up my pants and turns to hand them to me. They’re neatly folded, which seems incongruous with the condition they’re in, ripped, bloodstained, dirty and dusty. I looks up at Tomas who realises at the same time that they are probably unwearable. He smiles apologetically and goes back to the chest to pull out a pair of his pants. They are going to be really big for me around the waist but preferable to my ruined ones.
“Are you sure you can spare them, do you have enough left for yourself?” I ask concerned.
I’d be surprised if he has another pair besides what he has on. I only have two pairs myself and now that we don’t have the luxury of fresh water on tap I’m not going to be able to clean the one pair I have left. I don’t want to leave Tomas in the same situation.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Here, take this you’ll need it”, Tomas replies as he hands me a piece of twine to use as a belt.
I resolve to go straight to my cabin and get changed when I leave here so I can bring these back to Tomas. Despite what he claims I know that clothes are precious and not to be handed out carelessly. I clear my throat to indicate to Tomas that he should turn around so I can have some privacy. He quickly busies himself with something on the other side of the cabin. The act of putting the pants on is far more difficult than I anticipate. My broken fingers and cut hip make it painful and clumsy. I eventually pull them up stifling the groans of pain that threaten to escape my mouth not wanting Tomas to have any ammunition about why I shouldn’t go on deck and help out.
I eye the length of twine I’m supposed to use as a belt. There is no way my misshapen fingers are capable of threading it through the trouser loops and tying a knot. After attempting just that three times I grumble in frustration. My neck is stiff from looking down at the twine so intensely, as if I can will it through the loops with my glare. I throw my head back with closed eyes and stretch my muscles. My gaze falls on Tomas as I lower my head and open my eyes. He is walking towards me sporting an indulgent half smile. I bite my bottom lip to stop it returning the smile. How many times will Tomas have to help me? He gently removes the twine from my hands and lowers his gaze to my waist. I clumsily hold up the trousers for him, our fingers lightly touching as he threads the twine through each loop. Tomas reaches both hands behind my waist to reach the loop furthest from the front bringing my lowered head only millimetres from the side of his neck. I scrunch my eyes closed in an attempt to fight the urge to graze my lips across his neck. When I open my eyes Tomas is staring intently at me, close enough that our breath mingles. My face and neck flush red under his gaze and I lower my gaze in an attempt to break the intensity of the connection between us.
Looking down at my attire I can’t deny the humour in the overall effect of these huge pants. They are ridiculously big and with the twine they are bunched up at the front and sides so that they balloon out making me look huge down the bottom. I can’t stop the broad smile that spreads across my face. Tomas chuckles and I lift my head to see him appraising my new outfit from a safe distance away. His hand covers his mouth as he unsuccessfully tries to stop the laughter fighting to escape.
“Very attractive”, he quips unable to keep the smile from his face.
“Very funny”, I respond straightening out my jumper and hair.
I notice the absence of my mother’s hairpin immediately and run my hand through my hair a second time to make sure that I’m not mistaken.
“What’s wrong? I was just joking”, Tomas says anxiously as he steps forward to hold my shoulders.
“My mother’s hairpin, it’s gone. I have to find it”, I frantically turn to leave.
“Wait, I’ll come with you”, Tomas grabs a jumper and puts it over his head as he follows me out of the cabin.
We get up on deck after what seems an age, my hip sends jolts of pain up the side of my body and muscles I don’
t even know I have ache with every move I make. I head straight to the transports and cylinders where I was thrown into the air. I don’t take any notice of what is around me. I just want to find my hairpin. The crunch and crack of debris under my feet suggests that while there has clearly been some clean up of the bigger items that litter the deck, it is going to take longer to clear up the smaller stuff. I round the first transport and focus my attention on the ground, sweeping my eyes from left to right until I reach the side of the ship. Tomas is doing the same at my side but we have no success.
After twenty minutes of randomly scouring the area I decide to follow my trail from yesterday. Tomas follows without being asked and we continue the search over to what’s left of the dome. The whole thing seems hopeless. There are tiny bits of metal and plastic everywhere, all with the ability to conceal my hairpin. I eventually plonk down on the floor and let out a big breath. There is no question that I can go on looking, I am shattered, emotionally now as well as physically. Tomas continues looking for a few more minutes, picking up bits and pieces but eventually he too sits down among the rubble and gives up. He doesn’t try to console me with some stupid saying like, ‘it’ll turn up’, which would have annoyed and angered me. Instead we sit silently until I make to stand and he quickly jumps up to help me. Usually I’d refuse but I am stiff and sore and grateful.
I try to push away the hollow feeling in my stomach to take more notice of what is around me. There is a big pile of debris pushed up against the control room and smaller piles at different intervals up against the side of the ship. A full turn reveals the dome, literally cracked like an eggshell with a jagged break right across the middle. It actually looks very unstable as if it could tumble down at any moment. Mayther and Mickael are rolling a big drum of water from the back of the ship to the stairs leading below the deck, I wonders how they think they’ll get it down and want to suggest that they just leave it up here for us to collect when we need it but can’t find the energy to say something.
Renka is leaning against the side of the ship looking out to sea. It is so unusual to see him idle I have to look twice before I believe my eyes. The attack has affected him more than anyone else can know. They have most of the story now and I guess Max and Renka were called upon to give it in more detail while I was sleeping. But they probably don’t know that Renka’s dad was among the first group to search the safe house. That he was the one who passed on the knowledge that Renka needed to fulfill an oath he took. In a lot of ways Renka’s loss is similar to my hairpin, this task was a link for him to his father and that was broken when the dome exploded. I feel more affinity to Renka in this moment than ever before and wonder if I should go over to talk to him. I decide against it knowing that I wouldn’t want to be interrupted if I were in his position and head towards the stairs.
“Hey, Pia, how are you feeling? Tomas said you broke your fingers again”, Mickael calls out as I pass him.
He and Mayther have given up on getting the water drum below deck and are rolling it toward the bow of the ship.
“Yeah, I’m fine”, I answer not wanting to prolong the conversation.
They’ve stopped rolling the drum and stand staring at me. Should I say anything else, the silence is uncomfortable.
“Ah, see you later”, I mumble as I walk away with Tomas still beside me.
“Yeah, let us know if you need anything okay?” Mickael calls after me, a glance over my shoulder reveals Mayther nodding in agreement.
I groan inwardly, so this is what it’s going to be like. I secretly hoped that because the vaccination equipment is no longer around I’d get away with very little attention, like maybe they think me not so valuable after all. But it seems that isn’t the case.
I descend the stairs slowly hiding groans of pain at each step. Tomas restrains himself from reaching out to help me. I hadn’t really thought that much about the idea that the ship might be off-course because of Fiona’s vandalism, but right now I want nothing more than to see land and be off this stupid ship. I want space around me where I can get away from everyone, even though I know it’s kilometres of being trapped in the transports before I can get any freedom.
We make it to my cabin door and I turn to say bye to Tomas and thank him for setting my fingers again. When I look up at him he has a pained expression and I feel bad that I effectively ignored him since we left his cabin where he spent a restless night after fixing up my injuries.
“I’m really sorry about your hairpin, Pia. I wish I’d of noticed it missing earlier, I could have searched for it before everyone cleared the mess off the deck”, Tomas jumps in apologetically before I can voice my thanks.
“Don’t worry about it, Tomas, it’s not your fault, I shouldn’t have been wearing it. Um, I wanted to say thanks for setting my fingers again and everything else, maybe you should get some sleep now that you don’t have an invalid in your bed”, I try to make light of the situation.
Really I am so upset about the hairpin, the possibility that I am stuck on a ship with a bunch of people who think I’m a freak and the fact that I don’t even have the pleasure of a hot shower to look forward to anymore. I want to scream into my pillow and that’s with me forcing the thought of Linton, Isabella, Fiona and Karther to the very recesses of my mind.
Tomas runs his fingers through his hair and it sticks up at funny angles, he still looks pretty upset about the hairpin. It’s funny really, that I am consoling him about its loss. I smile brightly up at him and he’s taken by surprise at the turn of emotion.
“What’s so funny?” Tomas asks, my smile echoes on his face.
“Nothing, just you, go and get some sleep, you look awful”, I say turning to open my cabin door.
Tomas touches my arm before I get to the handle and I look over my shoulder at him expectantly.
“Um, Pia, I’m really glad you’re okay, that you weren’t badly hurt in the explosion”, Tomas whispers with a depth of feeling that shocks me.
I turn so that we’re facing each other and look into the tired shadows under his eyes and the messed-up hair standing at funny angles. He looks so good, even exhausted as he is, I want to pull him into a hug and keep him there so I know he’ll have rest before he goes back out to help someone or do some task that will benefit the group. He seems to have read my mind, or maybe my eyes tell the story of what I’m thinking, because he steps forward and pulls me into his chest, burying his head in my neck. I put my hands around his waist and breathe in his scent. I feel so safe and secure in his embrace. I want to stay here forever. Tomas lets out a big breath that tickles my neck and lets me go. I look up into his eyes, wrinkling with a little smile. He leans forward and kisses me. His lips brush mine, softly and slowly, as if I am breakable, my stomach does a mighty back flip and my body pushes itself into Tomas’. He deepens the kiss in response, his body responding to me just as mine does to him. I pulls my hands through his arms and away from his waist to reach up and put them in his hair. Tomas reacts immediately by pulling me by the waist in closer to his body, my hip gives way a little and I let out a small groan of pain. I regret it straight away because he pulls back before the groan is all the way out and puts me at arm’s length looking me up and down to see if I am all right.
“I’m sorry, did I hurt you?” he asks anxiously.
“No, quite the opposite”, my bold reply shocks me.
After the last twenty-four hours it seems wrong to be thoroughly enjoying myself with Tomas. Isabella and Linton are dead and our vaccination hopes are severely damaged, but I can’t help it.
Tomas’ mouth curves in a small smile, showing his dimpled scar and he leans in to place a soft kiss on my forehead.
“Well, I think you should get off your legs and lie down. I’ll see you later”, he say reaching past me and turning the handle to my cabin.
I take a backward step inside and watch Tomas walk away down the hall. Without really having tried, he has slipped past my defences and has become someone who is
very important to me. I’m both scared and excited about this revelation. I am a different person around Tomas, happier and lighter somehow. But I’m not entirely comfortable with the way I seem to lose control around him. My body responds to him in a way it never has to anyone else and my brain just forgets everything else that is going on. I am scared I’ll lose focus of the important things – getting to the refuge, setting Max up in a home there, working out this vaccination stuff, maybe even finding a way to stop Age-Sickness. All of these things are on my mind when I’m not around Tomas, but they just disappear as soon as I am near him.
I turn around and see Max sleeping peacefully on my bed with a lead pencil mark across his forehead where he has brushed away his fringe. His sketchbook is lying open on his chest and his pencil had rolled out of his hand that hangs over the side of the bed.
Tiptoeing in so as not to wake him I pick up the book and pull up his blankets. I can’t help but smile at how vulnerable he looks. Remembering his leg wound I’m tempted to pull the blankets down and see if Merva has done a good job but don’t want to risk waking him. I settle for touching his head looking for the telltale heat of a fever and find he is only slightly warm to the touch. Max stirs when I lift my hand away from his head and smiles when he sees my concerned expression.
“Not worrying about your poor defenceless little brother again I hope”, he croaks sarcastically.
“Me? Nooo”, I respond with a smile.
He sits up and stretches out as if he has been sleeping for some time and feels refreshed. He must have been tired to have slept completely still not allowing his book to fall off.
“How’s the leg?”
“It hurts”, Max answers matter-of-factly.
“Do you need me to get you anything?” I ask in an attempt to get him to stay in bed.
“You’re equally as impaired as me at the moment. I think I can manage without the help of a fellow invalid. How’re the fingers?” he asks raising one eyebrow to emphasise his point.
“Not giving me as much pain as my hip. I guess we can be sloths together for a while”, I answer as I lower myself onto the end of the bed.
Max scoots over in the bed inviting me to sit next to him. I stand up limping in exaggerated fashion and get the intended laugh out of him. I still have his sketchbook in my hand and open it to have a look when I’m settled under the blankets.
I flick through with Max watching over my shoulder and offering comments about what he has sketched and why. He is always more talkative when his drawing comes up and I love hearing the passion in his voice, it’s something else I can credit to Tomas. My breath stops short when I turn a page to see a sketch of the old lady that I’ve seen Tomas. It’s definitely the same lady; she has the same slant to the eyes and high cheekbones. Besides, it is so unusual to see modern images of old people like this for this one to be different to the one Tomas drew. I look over at Max with raised eyebrows, waiting for an explanation.
“You don’t recognise it?” he asks with amused confusion.
“Well, I’ve seen Tomas sketch it before”, I answer equally as confused.
“Look at the bone structure, the eyes, can you see the small scar between those two lines, don’t you recognise it?” he points out the features as he names them.
I have a similar scar to the one Max points out, but the rest of the face isn’t familiar at all, how am I supposed to recognise an old lady? Is there something I am missing? I look back over to Max shaking my head and shrugging my shoulders. He reaches over and traces my cheekbones, then gently brushes his index finger across my eyelashes, highlighting the slanted shape of them. The scar is mine. I have high cheekbones and a slant to my eyes. The once full lips could be mine in fifty odd years too, I guess. Is this me, is that what Max is saying?
“Yes, it’s you, can’t you see?” Max answers the question before I can ask it.
I can tell, now that I have been told and have the luxury of staring at it for any extended time. What is going on? Tomas created this image before he ever really knew me, then again after we started to interact more. Why would he do this? I start breathing heavily. I am very uncomfortable with this and can’t explain why.
“Why did you draw this? Why does Tomas?” I whisper.
“It’s the future”, Max states as if I’ve missed the point, as if there could be any other way.
“What are you talking about? What did Tomas say to you and when?” I ask suddenly frantic.
“Nothing, Pia, calm down. He said he used to draw you from the photo that’s been around the communes, before he knew you. It’s just a sign of hope, don’t you see? It’s almost prophetic now that we know you have immunity, like Tomas knew all along”, Max says in awe.
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. This changes everything between Tomas and me. Does he see me as some sort of symbol for the future and not even think of me as a normal girl? Am I like a trophy to him? I can’t stop the bile from coming up into my throat. My lips still tingle from our kiss outside the door and my fingers itch to touch his hair again. I dropped all of my defences with him and only to find out he is like everyone else, he sees me as a freak, an outsider, something other. I feel trapped in my skin and want to confront him straight away. I jump out of the bed, forgetting the aches and pains that ripple through my body, too hyped up to care. Max tries to catch Tomas’ baggy pants but misses and I am at the door before he crawls out of the bed with his book in hand as proof. I turn the handle and yank hard on the door releasing some of my energy in the movement. To my complete surprise Tomas falls into the cabin and sprawls on the floor at my feet. My first thought is that he has been eavesdropping on our conversation, how do I know what he is really like, but then it makes more sense that he was about to knock and come in.
He rolls over and smiles up at me on the verge of laughter but it catches in his throat when he sees my expression. I glimpse the dimpled scar before it disappears and a niggling doubt that Tomas is as calculated and cold as I have just concluded halts my temper. I turn Max’s sketch of me over and regain my momentum. What other conclusion is there to come to? I forcefully shove the sketch toward his face.
“I know your little secret, happy are you? Prophetic was the word Max used, how astute of you. I’m glad I was able to help give some close up material for your project, maybe now you can get those finer details down of the freak who probably won’t die, congratulations”, I spit at him sarcastically, I get angrier with each word and have to stomp out of the cabin before I get too upset.
My anger ebbs and feelings of betrayal and sadness take its place. When Renka warned me about how things would change for me if everyone knew about the immunity thing I didn’t imagine it could be worse than he described. The overwhelming feeling is of loneliness, I don’t even have Max anymore. I can’t stop thinking that Tomas has somehow planned this relationship with me all along, something that I thought grew out of time shared together and things we have in common. I want to be off this ship and away from everyone more than ever. If, and despite my thoughts in the ruins of the dome I still thought it was a big ‘if’, I have immunity I will do my part in the vaccination thing if it ever becomes possible but I won’t be the side-show freak who lives among the people to be stared at. I’ll find a quiet place and live out my life alone, grow old and wrinkly like the image Tomas and Max seem to capture so well.
I make it to the stairs before I hear Tomas calling my name. I don’t stop or look behind, just quicken my pace to get away from him. There is nothing he can say to fix the damage that stupid sketch has done and I don’t want to hear his attempt anyway. I get up on deck and head for the transports, figuring I’ll get some privacy there if anywhere. Unfortunately, my hip makes me sluggish and Tomas grabs my arm before I even get past the dome ruins. I yank my arm free violently and spin around to yell at him to leave me alone but see Diego and Merva staring at us and imagine the gossip if I create a scene right in front of them. I take a deep breath instead and continue mar
ching towards the back of the ship. Tomas keeps pace beside me not talking yet, he’s obviously thought the same thing when he saw Merva and Diego watching us. I’m very annoyed that he isn’t going to give me the time alone I need and plan to tell him so when we have a little privacy.
Once we round the first transport I stop abruptly and turn to face him ready to accuse him some more and demand he leave me alone, but once again he beats me to it.
“I’ve got your hairpin, it was stuck to my pillow”, he mumbles holding out his palm with my hairpin glistening in the middle.
I’m so shocked to be brought back down from the ferocious serving I was ready to dish out that I stare at the hairpin slack jawed and lost for words. Tomas moves his hand closer to me, indicating for me to take it. I reach out and finger the intertwined pieces of my family’s hair and feel like the anger I felt only seconds before is unimportant. That’s what this hairpin does to me, it puts me in my place, it pust all of my thoughts into perspective. I lift the hairpin and carefully push it into my still messy braid where it feels like home.
“Thanks”, I mumble and turn to go, thinking Tomas got off pretty lightly compared to what I had planned for him moments ago.
“Pia, wait, um, I’m sorry I upset you. I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. I just saw your photo so much over the last few months and thought you were beautiful. I wanted to draw you so much and the more I did the more I wanted you to be the one who lived, and then when I met you, you were intriguing and smart and kind and strong as well, I couldn’t imagine you just not ‘being’ anymore. That’s all there was to this, nothing more”, Tomas blurts out pleadingly.
I pause and reassess my previous thought that Tomas couldn’t say anything to make this better. I’d have to be cold-hearted not to respond to that speech. The words alone have my stomach doing cartwheels and his face when I turn around dissolves any leftover feelings of anger I have. He is genuinely distressed and upset. Can he really think those things about me? Could that stupid photo of me the committee flashed over the screens back home have inspired him? It seems so fantastical to me I find myself arching my eyebrows in disbelief.
Tomas’ reaction to my disbelieving face is devastating. His whole body slumps forward giving him the look of someone utterly desolated. I want to reach out to him in response to some innate feeling to nurture him, just like outside of my cabin before the kiss. But I can’t get passed the idea that he sees me as some sort of symbol and that is what the attraction is. The photo of me that flashed up on every commune’s screen was a far cry from the now scrawny girl covered in Age-sore scars. My body responds to what he said but my mind can’t let go of the conclusions I came to before. Now that the anger has subsided I feel completely superficial, with everything else going on, the ship possibly being off course, the lack of running water, the loss of the vaccination equipment, Renka’s breakdown, it seems ridiculous that I should be focussing on Tomas. It is an emotional response that I seem to have no control over. My body and an assortment of hormones simply take over whenever I am near him and it makes me feel powerless. Now more than ever I need to avoid getting close to anyone in ‘that way’. Not only is Age-Sickness a risk but obviously this journey is wrought with dangers and there is so much further to go. I was so stupid to let my guard down right when I need it the most. I can’t let this go on anymore, especially if I can’t be sure it’s actually me Tomas likes and not the oldest girl around who has the potential to be an immune donor and is the living symbol of hope. Even thinking that sequence of qualities that equates to me makes me cringe. It makes me sound vain, as if I’m suffering from a God complex or something. I don’t want to be reminded of those things and Tomas has changed everything with his sketch so that I won’t be able to forget.
After getting no further response from me, Tomas mumbles something incoherently and turns to leave. I don’t want him to go on that note. After watching him walk off dejectedly I take a few steps to follow him and call him back, but before I can get his name to my lips I glimpse something over the side of the ship that has my mouth hang open in complete shock.
In the distance is the clear outline of land, rocky cliff-like land.
“Tomas…” I breathe out in what sounds like exasperation.
He turns around slowly to the stunned look on my face and takes an uncertain step closer to me. I slowly raise my hand to point at the sight before me and Tomas follows it with his eyes, turning his head to get a better look at what has captured my attention.
After staring gob smacked for what seems like an age we turn towards each other. I reach for his hand staring at the ridiculously wide smile on his face that mirrors my own and we whisper in unison, “Land”.
THE END