Chapter Fifteen
I roll over onto my back, I have been thrown hard down onto the deck on my hip and I can feel a throbbing in my side that hints at a nasty bruise if not something worse later on. I try to raise myself up on my elbows but I’m shaking uncontrollably and can’t get my arms to hold my weight. I start to breathe heavily with panic when I realise that I have lost my hearing. I can’t make sense of what my eyes are seeing because my ears aren’t sending information through. I reach up my shaking hand and notice my splints have broken and my fingers are standing out at odd angles. Surprisingly I can’t feel any pain and I vaguely wonder if that is a good thing. Slowly turning in a circle taking in my surrounds, Renka comes into view, on his stomach coughing violently trying to get his legs up under him in a crawling position. He is bleeding from a cut on his head and it looks like he crashed into a cylinder before hitting the deck, there is a slight dent in the usual curve of the supply container.
As if my body registers the need to cough after seeing Renka, huge wracking coughs rip through my chest. I suddenly make sense of what my eyes are seeing. Something is on fire, there is smoke everywhere. I remembered the explosion that sent me flying before I crashed to the ground and I immediately think of Max. My brain refuses to acknowledge any shortcomings in my body in that moment. My movements become quick and purposeful as opposed to the slow shaky ones from only moments before. I run over to Renka and start pulling on his arm, trying to get him to stand. I motion to the smoke and pull harder on his arm to indicate he has to move from here. The urgency in my movements and the frantic look on my face works to get him to wake up and move on his own accord. Something dawns on him, just as the thought of Max knocked me into action, Renka has a similar epiphany and he starts toward the bow of the ship.
I run after him trying to call Max’s name but it is muted because of my hearing and my burning throat. I give up thinking it’s a pointless task, if I can’t hear, chances are Max can’t hear either. I tug my sleeve down over my hand and put it to my mouth to create some sort of barrier between my air intake and the smoke. It isn’t hard to see where Renka is heading; he races toward the dome when we pass the transports and cylinders, limping badly on his left leg. There is a long rip down the side of his pants and I wonder if he can feel any pain.
When I look up, squinting to see through the smoke, confusion is my first response to what lay ahead of me. The dome that once dominated the whole centre of the ship is decimated. One whole side of it has been blown apart, leaving only half a shattered shell behind. After my initial shock I think about Max, Tomas and the others sitting around the dome sharing their stories only minutes before. An agonised wailing sound cuts through my numbed sense and I look around before I realise it has come from me. Renka stares at me with desolation written all over his features, who is he thinking about? I run towards what remained of the dome, the smoke is so thick I can barely see my broken hands reaching out in front of me to stop me banging into any obstacles. My foot steps on something soft and I try to walk around it but I keep on stepping on it. Bile rises to the back of my throat when I realise I am stepping on a person. Jumping to the side I crash into what I assume is Renka. Without acknowledging him at all I throw myself onto the ground and start feeling around for the person I walked on. Debris from the dome is scattered on the floor and I cut and scrape my hands and knees a few times in my search before I touch an item of clothing. I run my hands along the body until I recognise the features of a face. I take a smoke filled breath that my body immediately repels and turn my head to vomit. When I stop heaving I turn back and lean as close as I can to the face to see through the smoke. Relief washes over me when the bloodied features of a girl come into view. Sickened at my initial response, I can’t help the relief that floods my body at it not being Max or Tomas. I don’t recognise the girl on the ground before me and I don’t want to waste any more time with her. I turn to see if Renka is anywhere near me searching for people too but can’t see him through the smoke.
I continue to crawl along the deck, not wanting to step on anyone else, it occura to me that I didn’t even check to see if the girl was breathing and I feel disgusted with myself for being so callous but I can’t think like that when I have to find Max, the more time I spend with anyone else I find could mean death for him. I try calling out his name again but my throat constricts in protest. Disoriented and unsure if I’m crawling in circles or heading in the direction I last remembered everyone sitting I start to lose hope. My head suddenly butts into what is the remaining wall of the dome and I know that if I follow this around I will eventually get to where everyone was last sitting. I’ll find Max and Tomas.
I increase my crawling pace, ignoring the protest in my hands and knees. The distance I have travelled should have taken me to where everyone was sitting, I start to doubt my earlier reasoning and stand up to see if I can see better through the smoke. It seems to be clearing a little. A breeze has picked up and is blowing it to the back of the ship. I feel sick.
Just as I get to my feet an arm grabs me and I spin around to see who it is. A sob wrenches forth from my body as Tomas looks over my face and body, I throw myself into his arms and squeeze my relief. I pull away and mouth Max to him, he nods his head and points towards the bow of the ship. No where near satisfied just with the knowledge I have to see him for myself I pull away to run in the direction Tomas has pointed but he pulls me back, miming something with his hands that I can’t make out. I don’t want to waste anymore time so I run in the direction he pointed, Max is the only thing on my mind. I take about four steps when I crash hard into something at my feet and land on top of a soft mass. I jump back repelled by the thought of falling on a dead body. Tomas grips me by the waist and lifts me to a standing position. Turning to meet his eyes, seeking reassurance that Max is safe, that Tomas hasn’t pointed out a body for me to find, I let out a deeply held breath when Tomas shakes his head, understanding my need without words. It is not Max at my feet. Tomas drags me in another direction and this time I let him lead me. He is the best chance I have of finding Max.
We break through the fog of the smoke after only a few steps, I have obviously been circling in the area where the smoke was thickest. We are heading to the bow of the ship, where I caught Fiona hurrying to see over the side. How easily I dismissed any suspicions of her that day. If only I knew her actions would culminate in this decimation.
Movement ahead of me catches my attention before I hear muffled cries and shouts that resemble my name. Max pushes through the group who are rapidly descending on Tomas and I and crushes me in a bone-cracking hug. I return it with no inhibitions, I can’t care less that everyone is there witnessing the tears running down my face and the wailing sound that keeps escaping my body.
I’m not sure how long we stay there like that but eventually Max lest me go and holds my face in his hands looking for signs of injury. I run my hands over his body doing the same and find a wet patch near his hip. I pull away to investigate it further and find a rip running down the full length of his thigh from hip to knee. My stomach lurches at the thought of what his torn pants are hiding and I instinctively reach for Tomas to help. My hands find empty space and I turn to see Tomas has left. Max draws my attention back to him and points to my left ear, miming that something is dripping from it. I brush away his hand and point to his leg, moving to pull aside his ripped trouser leg. A deep graze that covers the whole side of Max’s leg causes me to gasp. His skin has been torn away leaving oozing flesh that has bits of cloth stuck to it in so many places. My stomach churns at the sight and the thought that it must be causing Max so much pain. Images of the bodies I fell over flash through my mind and I cringe at the thought that they could have been Max. I pull him into another hug and don’t let him go until I feel a tap on my shoulder. It’s Tomas motioning for me to follow. I lip sync for Max to stay with the others while I follow Tomas. He refuses at first, shaking his head emphatically, but I motion to his leg and he looks down
at it with a pained expression. Before he can argue further I turn to follow Tomas.
He takes me to what remains of the dome. The smoke has cleared a lot, the wind taking it away from the scene where it originated. Tomas stops suddenly and faces me in the middle of a sentence, I indicate my ear and shake my head raising up my palms to show I can’t hear him. He brings his face only centimetres from mine as if he’s about to kiss me. My stomach somersaults in eager anticipation at the thought, even though my brain says this is not the time, but he veers to the side of my head and looks closely at my ear. I feel him wipe away at my cheek and neck and assume that I’m bleeding. He pulls away investigating what he wiped away, I hope I’m not leaking brain fluid or something. After a few seconds of intense staring Tomas seems satisfied so I assume I’m not going to collapse any time soon.
With the absence of verbal communication Tomas takes hold of my hand, I am conscious of how his hand seems to dwarf mine, it’s an odd feeling. I have always been the older, bigger one in my handholding experiences, mostly Max and other little kids. I can’t remember a time when either of my parents, or any other adult for that matter, held my hand. He leads me right into the shell that remains of the dome and indicates a heaving mass in the corner. I take a few steps closer to have a look at what it is exactly and am absolutely stunned when Renka’s face pops up and stares back at me.
He is curled in the corner sobbing. When he hears us approach he looks up with no qualms, he doesn’t care that Tomas and I see him in such a state. I stare fascinated, what could possibly have brought Renka to breaking point? What has happened is traumatic but it’s not like he has family on board or anything, he hasn’t even checked to see how everyone is. In all the time I have known Renka I haven’t seen him show an ounce of preference for any of the volunteers, he always seems controlling and distanced in his superiority. The only thing I ever see him be passionate about is his role as guard. Then it hits me. The dome is destroyed. What was in the dome is destroyed. I look around the hollow shell and find only useless debris, there is nothing else. No books with knowledge about how to vaccinate someone, no equipment, box of medical supplies or anything that looks even remotely useful for the purposes of vaccination. I look back at Renka and see him nod, answering a question I don’t voice. My hand flies to my mouth and I sink to the floor. It was all for nothing, me getting sick and recovering, Renka convincing and persuading Max and I about the vaccination possibilities, Renka arguing to get the dome extra protection. There is nothing left. It is all over.
Tomas comes to my side. He doesn’t reach to help me up but stares down at my face with a mixture of confusion and accusation. I am envious of him, he has no idea what we had so can never feel the loss the way I do, or Renka does. Something snaps inside of me, I can’t accept that this is it, our hope is over. I throw myself into a crawling position and start moving bits and pieces around trying to find even a remnant of something that can help us, a clue as to how to go forward from here. I never thought that I wholeheartedly believed Renka about me being a donor, having immunity and being the key to stop the Sickness but as I crawl through the mess on the floor cutting and grazing my hands and knees I realise I did. Without having recognised it I had taken for granted that I would give my life-saving blood to everyone and we would find refuge, not at a designated place but anywhere we wanted to be. My hopeless search is cut short by a muted yell. I look up to see Renka standing over me screaming.
“It’s over, there’s nothing left, what use will you be so far away from home with nothing to help us vaccinate? It’s over, over!” he repeats as he waves his fists around.
I let my head drop and try to think. What have we lost here? Information and equipment, but if I am immune there is still hope, Renka knows a little about the process, he told me so, even if it isn’t a lot we can work it out surely. He said they took scrapings of sores from sick people and blood from an immune donor the first time it was done, we could do that. All hope isn’t lost, it will be trial and error, with the error meaning death but that’s what is waiting for us all anyway. Why hasn’t Renka thought any of this through? Is there something else he isn’t sharing?
I rise from my kneeling position on the floor and walk away from the crazed Renka and the confused Tomas to get some fresh air. I need to get out of the enclosed space, the smoke has mostly cleared but the smell of burnt materials has an awful chemical smell that I instinctively know is very bad to inhale. I walk over to the side of the ship, purposefully avoiding looking around me for fear of finding bodies scattered on the deck. I couldn’t deal with that right now. From my earlier reunion with Max I saw most of the familiar faces of the volunteers but I don’t want to face who lay on the deck, not when there is nothing I can do to change their situation anyway. There are so many questions that need to be asked and answered. Renka is the one who can provide most of them but I can fill the others in on the most important. I’m confused and all of the injuries I’ve obtained since the explosion choose now to ache in unison. My body feels like one pulsating bruise, I hurt everywhere. My broken fingers are now so stiff and swollen they don’t even resemble a human appendage. My hip aches so badly that every step I take reverberates up the length of my body and causes me to limp in a pitiful attempt to ease the pain.
I jump when I feel a hand on my arm. There is a slight buzzing sound in my right ear but nothing from my left. I hope my hearing isn’t permanently damaged. It is Tomas who has come to join me. He turns me around and mouths the words, ‘What’s going on?’ I search his face for anger or accusation but find only concern. I let out a great big breath that blows the tendrils of hair that have escaped my braid, off my face.
“Let’s go to the others and I will tell you all”, I say, resigned. By the wince on Tomas’ face I yelled my response and I have the completely inappropriate urge to laugh hysterically. Maybe I have lost it like Renka. I gulp back the laughter that threatens to explode out of my mouth and follow Tomas.
When we reach the others they are pretty distressed at how long we’ve been gone. They obviously agreed not to leave their position until we returned. Max is pacing up and down the length of the raised platform, a feat that causes him lots of pain by the look of his limp. I notice that there are two bodies covered by a couple of jackets off to the side and cringed at the idea that two of our number have been killed. I want to be ignorant of who they are but it is too easy to see that Isabella and Linton are unaccounted for. I am thankfully distracted from looking at the bodies when everyone descends on us in a gabble of noise, well not so much noise for me, more like muted mumbling, but I get the gist of what they’re talking about. They all want to know what has happened and what is damaged.
Tomas leads them all back to the platform and everyone sits in a circle. Mickael is hugging a crying Gerla and Diego is shaky and jumpy, moving from a sitting position to a kneeling and then to pacing across the platform. Everyone is understandably highly strung, it isn’t an environment conducive to rational listening but I have no other option.
Tomas gives a brief description of what we saw and what has been attacked. He motions for my benefit that the two attackers died in the explosion, but that Renka and I are not seriously injured. He then turns to me and motions for me to take it from there.
I take a deep breath and look around the group, they are fearful of what I have to say, I hope that it will be a mixture of relief and hope for them, not all loss.
I explain all of what Renka told me. I give enough information to make sense of the situation, for them to understand Renka’s reaction when they see him. I hope they won’t turn on me and accuse me of being as bad as the committee, of keeping secrets I had no right to keep. That is exactly what I would want to say to me if I was in their position. I look from one face to another. Diego has stopped pacing and shaking and is just staring at me, Gerla has shrugged Mickael’s arm off her shoulder and is sitting slack jawed. It’s Tomas’ reaction that is the most shocking to me. He stands next to me
with a knowing smile. He isn’t shocked or angry or even hurt that he was kept out of the secret, he looks happy and vindicated. I can’t understand why he’d feel that way.
After I’m finished the questions pour out. How long ago did this happen? Who were the spies? Are you an immune donor? Did the committee know you were immune and that’s why they sent you away? Does the vaccination only work if we move away like the BAS survivors did? Why did they attack and not welcome the Commune C members? Why didn’t you and Renka tell us? Is everything wrecked in the dome? Does this mean there won’t be any vaccination? Do you know who attacked us? Did they have something to do with the vaccination stuff? Did Fiona know? They keep on throwing question after question that I can’t hear and have to get them to repeat and mime at different times. My leg gives way at one point and I sit down with a thud that jolts up through my body. It’s then that Tomas puts a stop to all the questions and starts giving out jobs to everyone. They all listen with no hesitation. Although I can see they still have so many questions. I am absolutely exhausted and can’t focus my mind. I have no idea how much time has passed since the explosion threw me in the air but it feels like I haven’t slept in a week. Before I realise what is happening I’m getting led away by Tomas to the cabins below deck. I have no idea what the others are doing and I don’t care, I need to lie down and sleep. I suddenly remember Max’s injured leg and turn to Tomas in a panic.
“Max’s leg, you have to help him. It could get infected”, I call out frantically.
“Don’t worry about it, Merva knows about healing and she is dealing with it, she knows what she’s doing”, Tomas reassures.
I want to argue more, having more faith in Tomas’s healing ability than Merva’s but I just don’t have the energy.
I let Tomas take me to his cabin. He says he has a few things in there that can help me. Dazed and nearly incoherent, I don’t care if he takes me to a lion’s den, I just want to sleep.
He gently lays me on his bed and I note the subtle smell that is uniquely Tomas. I turn my head and bury it in his pillow, I can sleep soundly here and start to drift off when I feel a shooting pain in my hand. I jump up and groan.
“Déjà vu hey? Just try and relax, I need to get the swelling down and reset these fingers or you could be left with a useless hand”, Tomas says smiling down at me.
I smile sleepily back at him and a question floats to the surface of my mind unbidden.
“Tomas, why weren’t you and the others at the dome when the explosion went off?”
“We saw the submarine surface at the bow of the ship and ran to have a look and see what we could do to stop them boarding. Isabella was too slow and Linton was helping her along, they didn’t make it far enough away”, Tomas answers with sadness in his voice.
All I can think is ‘thank, God’. Maybe Fiona requested the submarine act as a diversion to avoid as many deaths as she could. The last thought I have before I drift off to sleep is that it sounds like something Fiona would do. Maybe I do know her a little.