CHAPTER xi. -- A WORRY.
Cecilia continued in this private spot, happy at least to be alone, tillshe was summoned by the dinner bell to return home.
As soon as she entered the parlour, where every body was assembledbefore her, she observed, by the countenance of Mrs Delvile, that shehad passed the morning as sadly as herself.
"Miss Beverley," cried Lady Honoria, before she was seated, "I insistupon your taking my place to-day."
"Why so, madam?"
"Because I cannot suffer you to sit by a window with such a terriblecold."
"Your ladyship is very good, but indeed I have not any cold at all."
"O my dear, I must beg your pardon there; your eyes are quite bloodshot;Mrs Delvile, Lord Ernolf, are not her eyes quite red?--Lord, and so Iprotest are her cheeks! now do pray look in the glass, I assure you youwill hardly know yourself."
Mrs Delvile, who regarded her with the utmost kindness, affected tounderstand Lady Honoria's speech literally, both to lessen her apparentconfusion, and the suspicious surmises of Lord Ernolf; she thereforesaid, "you have indeed a bad cold, my love; but shade your eyes withyour hat, and after dinner you shall bathe them in rose water, whichwill soon take off the inflammation."
Cecilia, perceiving her intention, for which she felt the utmostgratitude, no longer denied her cold, nor refused the offer of LadyHonoria; who, delighting in mischief, whencesoever it proceeded,presently added, "This cold is a judgment upon you for leaving mealone all this morning; but I suppose you chose a tete-a-tete with yourfavourite, without the intrusion of any third person."
Here every body stared, and Cecilia very seriously declared she had beenquite alone.
"Is it possible you can so forget yourself?" cried Lady Honoria; "hadyou not your dearly beloved with you?"
Cecilia, who now comprehended that she meant Fidel, coloured more deeplythan ever, but attempted to laugh, and began eating her dinner.
"Here seems some matter of much intricacy," cried Lord Ernolf, "but, tome, wholly unintelligible."
"And to me also," cried Mrs Delvile, "but I am content to let it remainso; for the mysteries of Lady Honoria are so frequent, that they deadencuriosity."
"Dear madam, that is very unnatural," cried Lady Honoria, "for I am sureyou must long to know who I mean."
"I do, at least," said Lord Ernolf.
"Why then, my lord, you must know, Miss Beverley has two companions,and I am one, and Fidel is the other; but Fidel was with her all thismorning, and she would not admit me to the conference. I suppose she hadsomething private to say to him of his master's journey."
"What rattle is this?" cried Mrs Delvile; "Fidel is gone with my son, ishe not?" turning to the servants.
"No, madam, Mr Mortimer did not enquire for him."
"That's very strange," said she, "I never knew him quit home without himbefore."
"Dear ma'am, if he had taken him," cried Lady Honoria, "what could poorMiss Beverley have done? for she has no friend here but him and me, andreally he's so much the greater favourite, that it is well if I do notpoison him some day for very spite."
Cecilia had no resource but in forcing a laugh, and Mrs Delvile, whoevidently felt for her, contrived soon to change the subject; yet notbefore Lord Ernolf, with infinite chagrin, was certain by all thatpassed of the hopeless state of affairs for his son.
The rest of the day, and every hour of the two days following, Ceciliapassed in the most comfortless constraint, fearful of being a momentalone, lest the heaviness of her heart should seek relief in tears,which consolation, melancholy as it was, she found too dangerousfor indulgence; yet the gaiety of Lady Honoria lost all power ofentertainment, and even the kindness of Mrs Delvile, now she imputed itto compassion, gave her more mortification than pleasure.
On the third day, letters arrived from Bristol; but they brought withthem nothing of comfort, for though Mortimer wrote gaily, his fathersent word that his fever seemed threatening to return.
Mrs Delvile was now in the extremest anxiety; and the task of Ceciliain appearing chearful and unconcerned, became more and more difficultto perform. Lord Ernolf's efforts to oblige her grew as hopeless tohimself, as they were irksome to her; and Lady Honoria alone, of thewhole house, could either find or make the smallest diversion. But whileLord Derford remained, she had still an object for ridicule, and whileCecilia could colour and be confused, she had still a subject formischief.
Thus passed a week, during which the news from Bristol being every dayless and less pleasant, Mrs Delvile shewed an earnest desire to make ajourney thither herself, and proposed, half laughing and half seriously,that the whole party should accompany her.
Lady Honoria's time, however, was already expired, and her fatherintended to send for her in a few days.
Mrs Delvile, who knew that such a charge would occupy all her time,willingly deferred setting out till her ladyship should be gone, butwrote word to Bristol that she should shortly be there, attended by thetwo lords, who insisted upon escorting her.
Cecilia now was in a state of the utmost distress; her stay at thecastle she knew kept Delvile at a distance; to accompany his mother toBristol, was forcing herself into his sight, which equally from prudenceand pride she wished to avoid; and even Mrs Delvile evidently desiredher absence, since whenever the journey was talked of, she preferablyaddressed herself to any one else who was present.
All she could devise to relieve herself from a situation so painful, wasbegging permission to make a visit without delay to her old friend MrsCharlton in Suffolk.
This resolution taken, she put it into immediate execution, and seekingMrs Delvile, enquired if she might venture to make a petition to her?
"Undoubtedly," answered she; "but let it not be very disagreeable, sinceI feel already that I can refuse you nothing."
"I have an old friend, ma'am," she then cried, speaking fast, and inmuch haste to have done, "who I have not for many months seen, and, asmy health does not require a Bristol journey,--if you would honourme with mentioning my request to Mr Delvile, I think I might take thepresent opportunity of making Mrs Charlton a visit."
Mrs Delvile looked at her some time without speaking, and then,fervently embracing her, "sweet Cecilia!" she cried, "yes, you areall that I thought you! good, wise, discreet, tender, and noble atonce!--how to part with you, indeed, I know not,--but you shall do asyou please, for that I am sure will be right, and therefore I will makeno opposition."
Cecilia blushed and thanked her, yet saw but too plainly that allthe motives of her scheme were clearly comprehended. She hastened,therefore, to write to Mrs Charlton, and prepare for her reception.
Mr Delvile, though with his usual formality, sent his permission; andMortimer at the same time, begged his mother would bring with her Fidel,whom he had unluckily forgotten.
Lady Honoria, who was present when Mrs Delvile mentioned thiscommission, said in a whisper to Cecilia, "Miss Beverley, don't let himgo."
"Why not?"
"O, you had a great deal better take him slyly into Suffolk."
"I would as soon," answered Cecilia, "take with me the side-board ofplate, for I should scarcely think it more a robbery."
"Oh, I beg your pardon, I am sure they might all take such a theft foran honour; and if I was going to Bristol, I would bid Mortimer send himto you immediately. However, if you wish it, I will write to him. He'smy cousin, you know, so there will be no great impropriety in it."
Cecilia thanked her for so courteous an offer, but entreated that shemight by no means draw her into such a condescension.
She then made immediate preparations for her journey into Suffolk,which she saw gave equal surprize and chagrin to Lord Ernolf, upon whoseaffairs Mrs Delvile herself now desired to speak with her.
"Tell me, Miss Beverley," she cried, "briefly and positively youropinion of Lord Derford?"
"I think of him so little, madam," she answered, "that I cannot say ofhim much; he appears, however, to be inoffensive; but, indeed, were Inever to
see him again, he is one of those I should forget I had everseen at all."
"That is so exactly the case with myself also," cried Mrs Delvile, "thatto plead for him, I find utterly impossible, though my Lord Ernolf hasstrongly requested me; but to press such an alliance, I should think anindignity to your understanding."
Cecilia was much gratified by this speech; but she soon after added,"There is one reason, indeed, which would render such a connectiondesirable, though that is only one."
"What is it, madam?"
"His title."
"And why so? I am sure I have no ambition of that sort."
"No, my love," said Mrs Delvile, smiling, "I mean not by way ofgratification to your pride, but to his; since a title, by taking placeof a family name, would obviate the only objection that any man couldform to an alliance with Miss Beverley."
Cecilia, who too well understood her, suppressed a sigh, and changed thesubject of conversation.
One day was sufficient for all the preparations she required, and, asshe meant to set out very early the next morning, she took leave of LadyHonoria, and the Lords Ernolf and Derford, when they separated for thenight; but Mrs Delvile followed her to her room.
She expressed her concern at losing her in the warmest and mostflattering terms, yet said nothing of her coming back, nor of the lengthof her stay; she desired, however, to hear from her frequently, andassured her that out of her own immediate family, there was nobody inthe world she so tenderly valued.
She continued with her till it grew so late that they were almostnecessarily parted; and then rising to be gone, "See," she cried, "withwhat reluctance I quit you! no interest but so dear a one as that whichcalls me away, should induce me, with my own consent, to bear yourabsence scarcely an hour; but the world is full of mortifications, andto endure, or to sink under them, makes all the distinction between thenoble or the weak-minded. To you this may be said with safety; to mostyoung women it would pass for a reflection."
"You are very good," said Cecilia, smothering the emotions to whichthis speech gave rise, "and if indeed you honour me with an opinionso flattering, I will endeavour, if it is possibly in my power, not toforfeit it."
"Ah, my love!" cried Mrs Delvile warmly, "if upon my opinion of youalone depended our residence with each other, when should we ever part,and how live a moment asunder? But what title have I to monopolize twosuch blessings? the mother of Mortimer Delvile should at nothing repine;the mother of Cecilia Beverley had alone equal reason to be proud."
"You are determined, madam," said Cecilia, forcing a smile, "that Ishall be worthy, by giving me the sweetest of motives, that of deservingsuch praise." And then, in a faint voice, she desired her respects to MrDelvile, and added, "you will find, I hope, every body at Bristol betterthan you expect."
"I hope so," returned she; "and that you too, will find your MrsCharlton well, happy, and good as you left her; but suffer her not todrive me from your remembrance, and never fancy that because she hasknown you longer, she loves you more; my acquaintance with you,though short, has been critical, and she must hear from you a world ofanecdotes, before she can have reason to love you as much."
"Ah, madam," cried Cecilia, tears starting into her eyes, "let us partnow!--where will be that strength of mind you expect from me, if Ilisten to you any longer!"
"You are right, my love," answered Mrs Delvile, "since all tendernessenfeebles fortitude." Then affectionately embracing her, "Adieu,"she cried, "sweetest Cecilia, amiable and most excellent creature,adieu!--you, carry with you my highest approbation, my love, my esteem,my fondest wishes!--and shall I--yes, generous girl! I will add mywarmest gratitude!"
This last word she spoke almost in a whisper, again kissed her, andhastened out of the room.
Cecilia, surprised and affected, gratified and depressed, remainedalmost motionless, and could not, for a great length of time, eitherring for her maid, or persuade herself to go to rest. She saw throughoutthe whole behaviour of Mrs Delvile, a warmth of regard which, thoughstrongly opposed by family pride, made her almost miserable to promotethe very union she thought necessary to discountenance; she saw, too,that it was with the utmost difficulty she preserved the steadiness ofher opposition, and that she had a conflict perpetual with herself,to forbear openly acknowledging the contrariety of her wishes, andthe perplexity of her distress; but chiefly she was struck withher expressive use of the word gratitude. "Wherefore should she begrateful," thought Cecilia, "what have I done, or had power to do?infinitely, indeed, is she deceived, if she supposes that her son hasacted by my directions; my influence with him is nothing, and he couldnot be more his own master, were he utterly indifferent to me. Toconceal my own disappointment has, been all I have attempted; andperhaps she may think of me thus highly, from supposing that thefirmness of her son is owing to my caution and reserve; ah, she knowshim not!--were my heart at this moment laid open to him,--were all itsweakness, its partiality, its ill-fated admiration displayed, he wouldbut double his vigilance to avoid and forget me, and find the taskall the easier by his abatement of esteem. Oh strange infatuation ofunconquerable prejudice! his very life will he sacrifice in preferenceto his name, and while the conflict of his mind threatens to levelhim with the dust, he disdains to unite himself where one wish isunsatisfied!"
These reflections, and the uncertainty if she should ever in DelvileCastle sleep again, disturbed her the whole night, and made all callingin the morning unnecessary; she arose at five o'clock, dressed herselfwith the utmost heaviness of heart, and in going through a long gallerywhich led to the staircase, as she passed the door of Mortimer'schamber, the thought of his ill health, his intended long journey, andthe probability that she might never see him more, so deeply impressedand saddened her, that scarcely could she force herself to proceed,without stopping to weep and to pray for him; she was surrounded,however, by servants, and compelled therefore to hasten to the chaise;she flung herself in, and, leaning back, drew her hat over her eyes, andthought, as the carriage drove off, her last hope of earthly happinessextinguished.
BOOK VII.