Accepting Jase’s proposal would be a huge risk, and she’d been raised to avoid taking chances. Her mother had told her to stay with the familiar, to keep close associations with ladies in the community, and to never, never let infatuation with a man interfere with good judgment. Mother had insisted a woman without a full social life served no purpose. If Marietta married Jase, she’d have no social life at all. Jase, Zack, the ranch hands, and possibly Mrs. Whipple if she stayed on would be the only people in her life on a daily or even weekly basis.
She began to peel the potatoes and heat the skillet in which she’d fry them.
Kathy had found immeasurable happiness in Nebraska--her letters had made her feelings crystal clear--and Amy was as happy as any woman Marietta had ever met. Was love really enough for some women? It had been for Amy and Kathy, but could it be for her?
She shook the confusing thoughts from her head. She’d made the only decision she could have made. She belonged in Chicago, and she just had to accept that and forget about Jase.
When the potatoes, side meat, and flapjacks were ready to be served, Marietta called Jase and Zack to the kitchen. The three of them feasted on fine food and loving companionship the way they would if they were a real family.
As Marietta became a momentary part of domestic bliss, she began to wonder which would be the bigger mistake, leaving Jase or staying with him.
She had to stop thinking about staying with Jase. She’d made up her mind. She was returning to Chicago where she belonged.
The rest of the day passed quickly. By the time supper was over, Zack was falling asleep in his dessert. Marietta insisted he go to bed, and she promised she’d come to his room to tell him goodnight in a short while.
When Zack left the room, Jase helped her clean up the kitchen. As he handed her a stack of dishes, their hands met, and she nearly dropped the china. He stepped next to her as she set the plates in a basin of warm soapy water.
“Marietta, I want to apologize for being so abrupt with you yesterday with my proposal, and I’m sorry I tried to bully you into accepting me. I knew before I asked you’d most likely refuse me, but I had to ask. I love you too much not to have asked.”
She turned and looked up at him. “Jase, I didn’t want to hurt you.”
He placed two fingers over her lips. “Don’t say anything. I do understand. I can’t give you the social life you need, and I don’t have anything more to offer you than my love.” He drew his fingers back. “I wish I did, but just as your life is in the city, mine is here on the ranch.” He cupped her chin. “So, you see, I do understand.”
He spoke as though he had a crystal clear comprehension of why she’d chosen to return to Chicago. As much as she’d strived to believe she’d made the only logical choice she could make, her heart had continued to confuse and contradict her. Why did life, choices and decisions have to be such a mystery to her sometimes?
“I’m going upstairs to see Zack,” he said, stepping away from her. “He’s pretty excited about tomorrow morning. I promised him we’d have Bible readings with the ranch hands when he’s finished opening his presents, but I think he’s anticipating the feast we’ll have more than anything else. That child loves to eat.”
His fondness for her nephew filled her heart. “He does for a fact. Tell him I’ll be up in a few minutes to tell him goodnight.”
Jase inclined his head toward her and left the room.
When she’d finished cleaning up, she went to Zack’s room, half expecting to find the boy sound asleep. Zack was sitting on Jase’s lap while they sat on Zack’s bed. The two of them cuddled together was the most beautiful portrait Marietta had ever seen.
“Did you get a present for Beaumont, Jase?”
He kissed the top of the boy’s head. “Beaumont’s a horse, son. He doesn’t get presents.”
A giant grin spread over Zack’s face. “But little boys do, don’t they, Jase?”
“They sure do.”
“And so do big men,” Zack said slyly.
“They do?” Jase pretended to be surprised by the boy’s statement.
Zack gave an exaggerated nod. “Yup. I saw Aunt Marietta making you a--” He slapped his hands over his mouth. “It’s a secret,” he whispered as he drew his fingers away from his lips.
Jase chuckled, and Zack threw his arms around his neck.
“I love you, Jase. I wish we could stay forever. I never want to leave you.”
Jase let the embrace linger before he pulled the boy away from him. “You know that isn’t possible. You and your aunt will be leaving in a week. You’ll have a wonderful life in Chicago.”
“If you say so. I promised I’d be good when it came time to leave if you let me stay here, and you did, so I will.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
“But I still wish I could stay, and Aunt Marietta said wishes could come true at Christmastime.”
“Little wishes can come true, Zack. I’m afraid this wish is just too big.”
Marietta hastened down the hall to her room. She couldn’t stand to listen to Zack’s shattered hopes and dreams another moment.
Was she being completely selfish? Why couldn’t she be sure of her decision? Why did so much doubt linger? She raised her eyes high above. If only she could find the answers to her questions. She had to be sure she was making the right decision.
She waited until she thought Jase was probably gone and went to tell Zack goodnight. She found him snuggled under the covers. He didn’t see her until she was next to him. “Are you ready to go to sleep?”
“Yup. I’m ready to sleep ‘cause I need to get up early in the morning. I want a long day to celebrate Christmas.”
She smiled as she leaned over and kissed him. “Goodnight, honey.”
He kissed her cheek in return. “Goodnight, Aunt Marietta.”
She tucked in his quilt and left his room.
As she lay on her bed, she closed her eyes and prayed for the strength she’d need to live with her decision to return to Chicago. It was the only realistic, sensible choice she could make for her future as well as Zack’s. And it was a decision she had to live with.
~ * ~
Jase stared at his home from his bunkhouse room. Marietta’s light had gone out an hour earlier. She was asleep by now, dreaming, resting, looking beautiful with her auburn hair strewn on her pillow around her lovely face. He was going to miss her so much he didn’t know if he’d be able to stand it. Living without her would mean terrible suffering.
Maybe he deserved the pain. He’d been a greedy man in his life, always chasing a new dream of wealth and success. He’d been blessed with a wondrous ranch in Texas, but it hadn’t been enough. He’d wanted to be a new settler in a new land making his mark. That dream had prompted him to come to Nebraska to start one of the first cattle ranches. And now that his ranch was moderately successful, he still wasn’t satisfied. He wanted to be remembered long after he was gone for both his wealth and his contributions to western growth, in the form of a new town.
He’d been greedy. He’d chosen to satisfy his thirst for new ventures when he’d left Texas, instead of marrying a woman who’d loved him deeply. He hadn’t loved Louise, but he’d liked her very much. She would have been a good wife to him, and she’d have given him wonderful children. But he’d chosen a new challenge in Nebraska over a family and the love of a good woman.
It was only fitting that now, when he’d made the decision to choose Marietta over another new venture, she would reject him. He didn’t deserve her love or the love of any other woman. He was being paid back for his selfish choices.
Now that he’d finally learned there was nothing greater in life than loving a woman, it was too late.
He stared at Marietta’s window a little longer.
“Goodbye, my love. I’ll never forget you.”
~ * ~
Christmas came and went, and nothing of its magic helped Marietta gain any peace as she tried to squelch h
er nagging doubts about returning to Chicago. She was just as confused on December twenty-sixth, twenty-seventh, and twenty-eighth as she had been on Christmas Eve.
Two days before the stage which would take Marietta and Zack on their way to Chicago was due, Jase came into the kitchen just after Marietta finished washing up the breakfast dishes.
“Good morning, Jase. Can I fix you something else to eat?”
“No thanks.” He took off his wide-brimmed hat and stepped closer until he stood next to her. He turned his hat in his hands. “I’m leaving tomorrow,” he said on half-choked words.
“You’re leaving? What do you mean? Where are you going?”
He glanced away briefly before he looked at her again. “I’ve got business to attend to. If I can’t have you, I might as well go ahead with my plans for the land development. The consortium wants to have the town open for business by the end of next summer.”
“So soon?” She was amazed at how quickly things could change in the West--from the weather to the landscape to the growth of new communities.
“Of course. Lots of folks use the Oregon Trail. People come through by the dozens needing supplies of all kinds. The sooner we can provide for their needs, the better it will be for all of us.”
She hadn’t thought about just how exciting this venture would be for a man like Jase. He had indeed been willing to make a huge sacrifice for their love.
Blast her for being so selfish and unwilling to compromise! Guilt stirred her insides.
“Miguel will take you and Zack to the fort. I’ll meet you there before the stage leaves.”
“Zack will be terribly disappointed about your departure.” Marietta could feel her heart breaking. She’d thought she would have more time with him before she had to leave.
His gaze drifted toward the parlor where Zack was making noises as he played with his new handmade toys. “And what about you, Marietta?” he said when he looked at her again. “Are you disappointed I’m leaving?”
She felt her throat tighten. She rubbed her fingers over her neck as though the motion would loosen her constricting muscles. Caught in the grip of his penetrating eyes, she found she couldn’t lie to him. “Yes, Jase. God help me, yes. I didn’t want us to part yet.”
His Adam’s apple quivered as he took a step closer to her and stroked her cheek with his fingers. “I’ll never be ready for us to part, but I can’t stand for us to be so near to each other when I can’t take you in my arms.”
“Jase, please don’t say that.” She closed her eyes and turned around, leaning against the cupboards to steady her weakening body. She wouldn’t be able to think straight if he did take her into his arms, yet she couldn’t help but wish he’d do exactly that. Her heart wanted him to hold her and never let her go.
“I’m sorry,” he said, fingering the hair she’d allowed to lay around her shoulders. “I didn’t mean to upset you. What I’m trying to say is goodbye.”
Her heart stopped beating, and she couldn’t breathe. He placed his hand on her shoulder and pressed his lips close to her ear.
“I’ll always love you, Marietta.” He kissed her cheek, stood back from her, and left the room.
Marietta couldn’t move. Cold air blew through the room when Jase opened the outside door. But it was the sound of the door closing that roused her from her unresponsive state of shock.
Jase was gone.
He’d never hold her again, never kiss her again, never share her life.
Could she live without him?
Heaven help her, she wanted him, but was it too late to have him? Now that she knew more about his land developing project and understood the dream he was willing to sacrifice to become her husband, could she change her mind and accept his proposal? If she did, she’d be asking him to make a monumental sacrifice in giving up something so important to him. If she truly loved him, how could she ask him to give up his dream?
Marietta watched Jase mount Beaumont and ride away from the house. As he moved toward the pasture, she envisioned him riding out of her life. She knew only too well the pain of losing the people she’d loved in her life; could she stand to lose love again?
Chapter Eleven
As the first light of dawn filtered into the barn, Jase saddled his steed and loaded the last of the supplies he’d need to make his trip. He’d decided to ride to James Richards’ ranch east of the fort to discuss their plans for the spring trip. It seemed like a good excuse to get away from his ranch.
No matter how much he wanted to spend more time with Zack, it was too painful to be with Marietta, knowing she’d never belong to him. He loved her more than he could have ever imagined loving anyone. If only his whole life could be as wonderful as the times they’d spent together since she’d come to his home. But it couldn’t.
He was a coward for running out on Marietta and Zack, but he couldn’t help it. The two of them would be fine without him. Miguel would take care of them until it was time for them to leave, and Jase would meet them at the fort to give them their final farewell. Their separation would then last forever, and Jase’s heart would truly be dead.
When his horse was ready, he left the barn and walked ahead of Beaumont, reluctantly tugging the loyal companion away from the house. As he prepared to mount his steed, he heard his name screeched across the yard.
“Jase, wait!”
He turned to see Marietta standing on his porch with a shawl wrapped around her nightgown.
“Jase, don’t go! Please!”
Something had to be terribly wrong. Was Zack sick? Had he been hurt? Jase jumped on Beaumont and hastened toward the house. As soon as he reached his porch, he dismounted and hurried up the stairs.
“What’s wrong?” he said, grasping Marietta’s shoulders. “Is Zack all right?”
“Zack’s fine.” She was out of breath, as though she’d just run the distance he’d covered across his yard.
“Then what’s brought you out here in your nightclothes screaming at me so early in the morning?”
She stared up at him, her eyes glistening. “I’ve made some big mistakes in my life, Jase. The worst ones have been those where I’ve thrown away opportunities at happiness because I was afraid to take chances and venture into unknown territories. I’ve never been like Kathy.”
“But what has that to do with anything? Why have you come out into the cold so sparsely dressed?” He took her arm. “Let’s go inside.”
“I’m fine, Jase. I’m not cold in the least. Please, let me explain. I have so much to tell you.”
“You can tell me inside.” He squeezed her arm and ushered her into the house.
She shivered when he closed the door. He guided her into the parlor where the embers of a fire remained aglow. “Now what is it you have to tell me? You were saying something about being afraid to take chances.”
“Yes, I’ve never had the feisty spirit Kathy had, even though we were raised the same.” She stopped and drew in a breath in an apparent attempt to calm down. “As I told you before, when Kathy left Chicago, I was devastated. She missed me as desperately as I missed her. She’d sent me dozens of letters begging me to come to Nebraska to stay with her and Clint. I didn’t come, Jase, because I was afraid. For so many years, I was afraid to risk whatever lay on the path between Chicago and Kathy, so I lived without experiencing her love or the love of Zack or Clint.”
Marietta tilted her head as she stared up at him, her eyes warmer than he’d ever seen them. “Jase, these last weeks have been the happiest of my life.”
He wasn’t sure what she was going to say next, but hope began to rise within him when he learned she’d been happy in his home. “Go on, Marietta.”
A tear slid down her cheek. Jase pulled his gloves from his hands, wiped it away, and threw his gloves on the sofa.
“I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to lose any more love because I’m afraid.” She turned away. “I couldn’t sleep last night, because all I could see was you ri
ding away from me--leaving me. All I could feel was emptiness over another lost love, a chasm even deeper than the one which had grown in my heart when Kathy left me. I needed comfort desperately, so I went to my trunk, the one which held my letters from Kathy. I took them with me as I snuggled under my covers, hoping to find the answers to my great confusion.”
She turned back to him and looked at him with tears shimmering in her eyes. “I didn’t think I could stand to leave you, Jase, but neither did I have the strength to stay.”
He’d never felt so helpless in his life. She was playing with his heart, his mind, even his life. If she didn’t make herself clear in the next two seconds, he was going to explode.
“As I read Kathy’s sisterly words, I realized how vital it is for a woman to follow her heart. Right or wrong, a woman will never have happiness if she isn’t true to herself and her heart.” She pulled her shawl closer around her shoulders. “As I read Kathy’s letters over and over, I realized I had been wrong to refuse your proposal.”
“Marietta--”
“Wait, there’s more.” She pressed her fingers to his lips. “I know I want to marry you, Jase. I know being together is the best thing that could happen to us and to Zack as well.”
He pushed her hand away from his lips and let the joy in his heart light his face with a smile. “You’ll marry me then?”
She took a step back and said, “On one condition.”
Her regression and reluctance confused him once more. “I don’t like ultimatums, Marietta, and I won’t take them from anyone, not even you.”
Despite his firm words, she grinned like a man ready to show a full house to an opponent who’d just laid down a King-high straight. “You’ll like this ultimatum, Jase. I guarantee it.”
He quirked a brow and folded his arms. “Anything’s possible, I suppose.”
“Yes! That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Until last night I never realized it, but anything is possible. It’s possible for me to live here with you, it’s possible for me to leave Chicago for good, it’s possible for the two of us to find happiness and still live out our dreams.”