Quietly, he made his way to the kitchen. Marietta and Zack hadn’t heard him come in. He stood in obscurity watching a sight more heart-stoppingly beautiful than any he’d ever imagined. The woman and boy in his kitchen brought the entire house to life with a warmth that rivaled any known by any hearth.
“You’re putting too much butter in the icing,” Marietta warned Zack.
“You have to have a lot of butter, Aunt Marietta. I saw you sneak some carrot juice in there to make it yellow in color. If there’s not enough butter, it might taste like carrots.”
Marietta placed a hand on her hip. “It won’t taste like carrots, but it will taste like butter if you put too much in the icing.”
“I like butter.” He put another dollop of fat in the frosting bowl.
Marietta drew in an exasperated breath and smiled at Zack as she walked over to him. She hugged him and kissed his cheek. “Well, it’s Christmas, Zack. A time when wishes should come true. You make the icing any way you like it.”
He dropped his spoon into the frosting and threw his arms around his aunt. “I love you, Aunt Marietta.”
Jase turned away and leaned against the wall. He thanked God for the love Marietta shared with Zack. This could have been a miserable Christmas for Zack without a woman in his life. Little boys needed loving women in their lives.
He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. So did grown men.
The choice he’d been agonizing over was easy now. If Marietta would have him, he was going to marry her. He straightened up and walked into the kitchen.
Marietta caught sight of him the minute he entered the bright-yellow room. Her heart quickened when she saw his handsome face. “I’m glad to see you finally made it, Jase. Zack and I are icing the last of the Christmas cookies.”
Zack put down his spoon and licked icing off his hands before running to Jase. “You got here at last. I shoulda helped you with the chores then you coulda come inside to help us sooner.”
Marietta had been watching for Jase throughout the day. She wanted him with her every moment possible until she had to leave for Chicago. He was with her now, and that was all that mattered.
When the cookie baking was finished, she served the pot of stew she’d been simmering all day for supper. Jase ate heartily, but Zack only picked at his food.
“Too many cookies?” Marietta asked, teasing Zack.
The boy stirred his spoon around his plate. “I think I’m just too tired.” He looked at Jase. “I think cookie baking is as tiring as rounding up cattle. What do you think, Jase?”
Marietta noticed Jase was holding back a smile. “Judging by how tired you look, son, I think you may be right.”
“Aunt Marietta, would you mind if I went to bed?”
She reached toward Zack and caressed his cheek. “I think that might be a good idea.”
He pushed out of his chair and walked slowly out of the room.
“When we’ve finished eating, Jase,” Marietta said, “I sure would appreciate it if you’d take the rest of the stew and a basket of cookies to the men in the bunkhouse while I clean up the kitchen.”
“They’ll be grateful for your thoughtfulness. After eating with them these past weeks, I can tell you the cuisine they cook themselves leaves a lot to be desired. Although I will admit Miguel makes some excellent chili, and Stub is great with bacon and eggs.”
She pushed herself away from the table and shook her head. “It’s a good thing I’m leaving soon so you can have your house back. I don’t know why you didn’t eat with us. I told you it would have been fine.”
“I didn’t mind bunking and eating with the hands. They’re more than employees to me; they’re friends.” Jase stood and wiped his mouth with his linen napkin. “Besides, we eat at such odd hours, and I didn’t want to upset yours and Zack’s timetables.” He straightened to his full height before continuing. “Now, I’ve got something I’d like to ask you to do for me.”
She tilted her head and sent him a grin. “What’s that?”
He stepped closer to her. “Before I go to the bunkhouse, I’ll lay a fire in the library hearth. When I come back inside, I want you to join me for some reading. You suggested we read together the day you arrived here, but we’ve yet to open a book besides the children’s stories we’ve read to Zack.”
Marietta was thrilled at the idea of having an intimate evening alone with the man she loved. “That sounds wonderful, Jase.”
“Good,” he said warmly, staring at her with gentle eyes. “I’ll go tend to the fire.”
While Jase built the fire in the library she quickly filled a basket with cookies and put the remaining stew in a bowl.
A few minutes later he came to pick up the provisions for the men in the bunkhouse.
While Jase was out, she raced to her room. She loosened her hair and let it cascade over her shoulders. After washing herself and putting on a clean shirtwaist, she hastened to the kitchen to finish her chores.
By the time Jase had returned from his deliveries, the kitchen stood in enough order for Marietta to leave the unfinished work for later. He offered her his arm and escorted her to the library. They took their seats next to each other on one of the small sofas next to the wall.
“You look beautiful tonight, Marietta.”
She felt her cheeks warming due to the compliment he’d paid her. “And you look very handsome, Jase.” His fresh, dark clothes emphasized his attractive masculine features.
“What would you like to read?” he asked softly.
The nearness of him tightened her throat. She wasn’t sure if she would be able to speak clearly. “Something warm and lovely,” she said softly. “Perhaps the book there on the bottom shelf.” She pointed at one whose title she couldn’t remember at the moment. “I tried to read it the night I waited up for you, but I couldn’t concentrate.”
He reached toward her and almost touched her cheek before he drew back his hand. “I love that you waited for me, Marietta, but I am sorry I worried you.”
She smiled at him. “That’s over now, Jase.”
He moved closer to her on the little sofa and took her hand. “Marietta, I’ve loved having you here in my house. You’re a wonderful woman and an exceptional mother to Zack.”
“Thank you, Jase. You’re very kind.”
He took her other hand. “I’m not trying to be kind.”
“You’re not?”
He raised her hands to his lips one at a time and kissed her fingers. “No, I’m not. I’m trying to tell you that I’ve fallen in love with you. I’m trying to ask you to be my wife.”
Nothing had ever shocked her so absolutely. “What did you say?”
He kissed her hands again. “I want you to be my wife, Marietta.”
Even after he’d repeated his proposal, she could scarcely believe she’d heard him right. “You want me to marry you?” She closed her eyes to think. What should she say? How should she reply? Before her thoughts could clear, he pressed his lips to hers and stole what remained of her senses.
She basked in the bliss of his loving kiss. She’d never known anything so wonderful in her whole life.
After letting the kiss linger as long as she dared, she placed her palms over his smooth-shaven cheeks, pulled back and stared into the depths of his dark brown eyes. “Dear, Jase, I won’t deny I have strong feelings for you. You know I do. I couldn’t hide my feelings if I tried.”
“Then you accept?”
The eager sound of anticipation in his words and the sight of it in his eyes was more than she could bear. She left the sofa. She needed to put some space between them if she were going to have the courage to give him her reply.
“No, I can’t marry you,” she said, turning away from him and staring into the hearth. “It’s impossible.”
A moment later he stood behind her. He touched her shoulder and turned her round to face him. “But why, if you care for me?”
“Because I don’t belong here. My life is i
n Chicago. You know that, Jase.”
He stroked his fingers over her jaw. “Your life was in Chicago, Marietta. You and Zack belong here with me now. We--you and I--belong together. I feel it with every fiber of my body. I love you with all my heart.”
Marietta moved away from him, turning her head from side to side. “Jase, don’t say that. You know I belong in Chicago.”
He stepped behind her and took hold of her shoulders, pressing his lips close to her ear. “You need time to think.”
The warmth of him penetrated through her. She knew if she didn’t draw on every ounce of strength she had, she’d whirl around and press her heart next to his. If she let him hold her as she ached for him to do, she’d never leave him.
But she didn’t belong in the wilderness. She had to return to Chicago. She couldn’t let her feelings for this man cloud her good judgment. Hadn’t her mother drummed that into her head until the gospel idea was firmly planted there?
She turned around slowly and looked up at him. She opened her mouth to speak, but words wouldn’t come.
She shouldn’t have looked into his eyes. Too much hope lay in the brown circles staring down at her. Too much anticipation, and far too much love.
“I’m very tired, Jase.” She looked down briefly before lifting her gaze to meet his. She stiffened her spine and firmed her jaw. “I’m sorry, Jase. My answer is no. I can’t be your wife.”
“I’m sorry too, Marietta, because I won’t take no for an answer.”
His response to her refusal was nearly as shocking as his proposal had been.
“What?”
“We belong together,” he said, pulling her into his arms and placing a sweet kiss on her lips. “You have no reason to return to Chicago. You told me you’ve lost your job; you said you’ll have to move into your aunt’s house and depend on her for your care as well as Zack’s.”
She pushed out of his embrace. “My life, such as it is, is in Chicago. I’ll find another job, and I’ll support Zack and myself quite adequately, I assure you.”
He smiled and touched her cheek. “I have no doubt of that. I didn’t mean to imply you needed me for financial reasons. I meant to say you had a better reason to accept my proposal than to return to your life in Chicago. With me, you’ll have something you’ve yet to find in the city, something far more important than anything else in all the world. Love, Marietta. Deep, abiding, everlasting love.”
She moved away from him and wrung her hands. “You don’t know what you’re asking of me. What would I do without my social life? Mother always said a woman is defined by her place in society and her social activities.” She turned back to face him. “You don’t know the sacrifice you’re asking me to make.”
He moved toward her quickly and took her into his arms. “And you don’t know what you’re throwing away.”
“Please,” she said, fighting the desire to stay firmly planted inside his arms, “don’t hold me so tightly, Jase. I can’t think when you’re arms are around me.”
He let her go and took a step back. “Think, Marietta. Think about what you’re throwing away.”
She grasped her head with her palms and closed her eyes. “It isn’t fair. You want me to leave my life. You want me to do all the sacrificing for us to be together. Jase, you don’t know what you’re asking.” She looked at him and slowly turned her head from side to side. “I don’t think I can do it, no matter how much I care for you.”
“You think I’m not making changes in my life by asking you to be my wife?” His jaw hardened. “Consider this, Marietta. I’m in league with a consortium of nearly a dozen men to buy land near the Oregon Trail where we’ll build a new town. We investors stand to gain a fortune in funds and everlasting fame should the railroad eventually decide to come through on land near our town. It’s a dream for me, Marietta, something I’ve longed for.”
“Then why would you ask me to marry you?” she interjected. “You’d have no time for Zack and me if you were taking on such a project. Between your ranch and your land project, you’d barely have time to eat and sleep.”
He nodded and stared at her as his deep love for her returned to his eyes. “That’s right. If we were to marry, I’d have to give up a dream.” He moved closer to her and took her into his arms. “But I’ll gladly exchange a lesser dream for a greater one, Marietta. I want you to be my wife.”
She felt herself weaken. She closed her eyes and sank her cheek into his shoulder. She had to find the courage she needed to refuse him again.
“I’m sorry, Jase. My answer is no.”
He kissed the top of her head, released her, and left the room.
Chapter Ten
Marietta’s sleep was fitful after turning down Jase’s proposal.
Why did he have to ask her to stay? Surely he knew she’d turn him down. He knew she didn’t belong in the wilderness any more than a mountain lion belonged in the city.
Why had he forced her to hurt him when it was the last thing she’d ever want to do?
Yet, his proposal required sacrifice from both of them if they were to be married. Was she being selfish by refusing to give up her established life the way Jase was willing to give up his land speculation for her?
Perhaps she was.
She turned from side to side in her bed, trying to clear confusion from her mind. She needed to think, to think clearly. She mustn’t let her feelings for Jase cloud her judgment or interfere with making sound choices.
Sometimes, she wished she could be the rebel Kathy had been. No matter what Mother had taught them Kathy had always done as she’d pleased.
How she wished she had Kathy to speak with now. She needed her sister’s advice so much. Even when she’d been hundreds of miles away, Kathy had continued to comfort and advise her through her correspondence. Now she didn’t even have letters coming from her dear, sweet sister.
Marietta tossed inside her sheets and stewed in her troubles and in the teachings of childhood. In a moment of clarity she realized the only way she could have peace was by putting aside her feelings for Jase. Perhaps if she tucked emotion away and let logic and common sense dominate her thoughts she’d be able to make sound decisions.
She’d barely acknowledged the importance of eliminating emotion while making sound decisions when it occurred to her Jase had let his feelings rule the choices he made for his life. He’d let his love for her trump his plans for building a new town.
She demanded logical, emotionally-detached thinking to guide her in making decisions. Jase had let his heart steer him to the road he believed he wanted to follow. How differently two people in love could behave.
He was willing to give up a dream for her. And she was willing to give up him to return to her conventional life.
Damnation!
It was the first time such a word had ever crossed Marietta’s thoughts. Life was suddenly far too complicated, and she was going to have to find a way to uncomplicate things very soon.
~ * ~
The next morning was Christmas Eve. By the time Marietta had washed and dressed for the day, Jase and Zack were dragging the Christmas tree inside.
“Aunt Marietta!” Zack squealed as she met him in the parlor. “Look at the tree Jase and I cut down! I got up very, very early today because it’s Christmas Eve and time to get the tree. I woke Jase, and him and me went all the way out to Pine Rock Hollow to get it. Jase said that was the most special place in the whole world to him because he had a real special day there one time a couple of weeks ago.” Zack looked up at Jase, whose face was turning an odd shade of red. “Didn’t you say that, Jase?”
The cowboy cleared his throat. “I did, but, Zack, that was between you and me.”
Marietta could barely look at Jase. She loved him so much. She’d loved him the day he’d first kissed her in Pine Rock Hollow, she loved him this minute as she stared across the room at him, and she would love him every day for the rest of her life.
“It’s a beautifu
l tree, Zack.” She folded her arms across her lavender shirtwaist. “Did you help cut it down?”
“Yup, and I cut my finger too, but Jase took care of it.”
“You cut your finger? You must be very careful using tools, Zack.”
“I know, Jase told me. Right, Jase?” He looked up at the man on the other side of the Christmas tree.
“You did fine, Zack. There isn’t a man alive who hasn’t cut himself on a tool at least once in his life, but your aunt is right. We all need to be careful using tools.”
Marietta unfolded her arms and tucked away a stray hair which had escaped from the knot at her nape. “Did you two have breakfast yet?”
“I took some cookies to the bunkhouse for Jase and me, but I’m hungry again,” Zack replied. “Are you, Jase?”
“I wouldn’t mind some potatoes and side meat, or steak,” Jase said, fixing his gaze on Marietta.
“And flapjacks,” Zack added.
She smiled at her nephew, but when she looked at Jase, the smile slowly slipped away. With fifteen feet between him and his face half-hidden by the enormous fir tree he held on to, Marietta could see the love in Jase’s eyes as well as the pain her refusal had put there.
She looked at Zack again and forced another smile. “One man-sized breakfast coming up.” She quickly turned and walked out of the room.
She’d spent a lot of time in Jase’s kitchen over the past few weeks, but this time the kitchen felt different to her. He’d offered to make his kitchen her kitchen. He’d asked her to make his parlor her parlor, his ranch her ranch, his library her library, and his bedroom their bedroom. He’d plainly told her he wanted her to share his life in every way, and she’d turned him down.
Had she done the right thing? She clenched her fists and whispered, “I don’t know.”
Marietta looked out the window at the vast emptiness of the Nebraska Territory prairie. She loved Jase’s home. It was much lovelier than anyplace she’d ever lived, but there were no neighbors outside the front door except the ranch hands. Amy Carson and Mrs. Harrison, the colonel’s wife, were the only women close to her age who lived nearby, yet they were a half-day’s ride from the ranch, and Marietta couldn’t even ride a horse.