The first thing I remember clearly is the white-haired doctor’s kind face as he sat down across from me, and the young chaplain’s small smile as he chose the chair to my left. Their words became a litany that I would hear in my dreams for years.
My Rachel was gone, but her son was alive and in the NICU.
“Is there anyone you’d like for us to call? Any family or friends that you’d like to be here?”
The question jolted me out of the fog that seemed to be getting thicker and thicker around me. Dear God.
“I’ll make the calls,” I answered, looking blankly at the wall. “Can I have some privacy please?”
“Of course. I’ll be right outside if you need me,” the chaplain answered, reaching out to pat my hand. “I’ll take you up to the NICU when you’re ready.”
The room was silent after they left, and I fought the urge to scream at the top of my lungs just to hear it echo around me. I understood then why people hired mourners to wail at funerals. Sometimes the lack of sound is more painful than the anguished noise of a heart breaking.
My hands shook as I pulled my phone out of my front pocket and rested it on the table in front of me.
It only took a moment before the sound of ringing filled the room, and I rested my head in my hands as I stared at the name across the screen.
“Hello? Kate? What’s wrong?”
“Shane—” I said quietly, my voice hitching.
“What? Why are you calling me?” His voice was confused, but I could hear a small thread of panic in the urgency of his words.
“I need you to come to Tri-City hospital,” I answered, tears rolling down my face and landing on the glass screen of my phone, distorting the letters and numbers.
“Who?” His voice was frantic, and I could hear him moving around, his breathing heavy.
“Rachel was in an accident.” I sobbed, covering my face to try to muffle the noise.
“No,” he argued desperately as I heard two car doors shut almost simultaneously. “Is she okay?”
I shook my head, trying to catch my breath.
“Kate! Is she okay?” he screamed at me, his anguished voice filling the room as I’d wanted mine to just minutes before.
“No,” I answered through gritted teeth, feeling snot running down my upper lip as I heard him make a noise deep in his throat. “She’s gone.”
He didn’t say a word, and less than a second later the connection was broken.
I could barely force myself to reach across the table for a tissue as I scrolled down my contact list and pressed SEND again. I wasn’t finished.
“Hello!” Her voice made me whimper in both relief and sorrow.
“Mom?” I rasped.
“Katie?”
“I—I—”
“Take a deep breath, baby. Then tell me what’s wrong,” she ordered.
“I need you and Aunt Ellie to come down here,” I cried, straightening my back and wiping the tears from my face. “I’m not—I don’t know what to do.”
“Okay, we’ll find a flight,” she answered immediately, like flying from Portland to San Diego was as easy as walking across the street. “Now what’s going on?”
“Rachel was in an accident,” I ground out, the words like gravel in my throat. “She didn’t make it, and I’m worried about Shane.”
“Oh, Katie. My sweet girl,” she said sadly. “We’ll be on the first flight down, okay, baby?” Her voice became muffled as she covered the phone and yelled shrilly for my dad.
“I just, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing,” I confessed with a sob. “Shane isn’t here yet, and I don’t think I can see her, and the baby is in ICU.”
“The baby’s okay?”
“Yeah, they said they were just keeping him under observation.” I rubbed at my forehead, trying to convince myself that it was all just a nightmare. Where was I supposed to be? What was I supposed to do now? My best friend in the entire world was there in that hospital, but not really. I couldn’t bear to see her. I couldn’t help her. Where the fuck was I supposed to go? “What do I do, Mom?”
“You go see your nephew.”
“What?”
“You go to the NICU, and you hold your nephew, and you tell him everything is going to be okay,” she told me, tears in her voice. “You go love on that baby. Where are Sage and the boys?”
“They’re with a neighbor. They’re okay.”
“Good. That’s good.”
“Yeah.”
“Dad found some flights. I’m on my way, princess,” she told me gently. “We’ll be there soon. Now go take care of our new boy.”
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too. I’m on my way.”
I made my way to the NICU as quickly as I could, and within minutes I was holding my new nephew in my arms. The nurses told me that he’d passed all of his tests with flying colors, and I was in awe as I sat down in a rocking chair, cradling him to my chest.
“You sure got a shitty beginning, little man,” I murmured against his fuzzy scalp, rocking back and forth gently. “I’m so sorry, buddy. You’re probably missing your mama and that warm bubble you’ve been in for so long. I can’t help you there.”
I sniffled, closing my eyes as tears rolled down my cheeks. My whole body ached, and even though I had that little boy in my arms, the day seemed like some sort of surreal dream, foggy in some parts and crystal clear in others. I wanted to hop up and take his sleeping little form to Rachel, to tease her about the weird Mohawk thing he was sporting and make joking comments about how men always seem to sleep through the hard parts of life. I wanted to see her smile proudly at the sturdy boy she’d produced and grumble that I was hogging him.
I wanted everything to be different.
I hummed softly with my eyes closed for a long time, holding the baby close to me. It was quiet where we sat, nothing breaking up the stillness of the room until I heard someone open the door.
“There he is,” the nurse murmured from the doorway.
My eyes popped open to see Shane’s ravaged face just feet from me. He looked like he was barely holding on. I swallowed hard as his red-rimmed eyes took in his son carefully before rising to meet mine.
“Is he okay?” he asked thickly, searching my face. I’d never seen him so frightened.
“He’s perfect,” I answered, my voice throbbing with emotion. “The nurses said he’s a rock star.”
He nodded twice, reaching up to cover his mouth with his hand, but before he could say another word, he was stumbling and falling to his knees with an almost inaudible sob.
About the Author
When Nicole Jacquelyn was eight and people asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, she told them she wanted to be a mom. When she was twelve, her answer changed to author. Her dreams stayed constant. First, she became a mom, and then during her senior year of college—with one daughter in first grade and the other in preschool—she sat down and wrote a story.
Also by Nicole Jacquelyn
Unbreak My Heart
Acclaim for Nicole Jacquelyn and
Her Previous Novel,
unbreak my
Heart
“Unbreak My Heart is a heartbreaking, heartwarming, heart-twisting love affair that proves love stands the test of time.”
—Heidi McLaughlin, New York Times bestselling author
“Top Pick! Nicole Jacquelyn has penned an emotionally provocative story that begins a new and promising series. I was hooked from page one as this amazing author put me through the wringer. I both loved and hated the hero, but kept right on cheering this main couple on towards their eventual happy ever after. It was a tumultuous ride that left this reader satisfied and craving more.”
—NightOwlReviews.com
“Unbreak My Heart is a completely engaging, sweet, devastating, heartbreaking, and angst-filled story that captivated me from the beginning. Nicole Jacquelyn takes you on a rollercoaster ride of emotional ups and downs as a fami
ly has to find their way forward after a loss.”
—HarlequinJunkie.com
“Seriously, this book. It is probably one of the most addictive books that I have read in a while.”
—LiteratiLiteratureLovers.com
“Shane and Kate’s story is not one of insta love. It’s not a love conquers all story. It’s messy, frustrating, heartbreaking, and sad. When they finally start to get things right, it’s breathtaking. Through it all, those precious children are loved, protected, and cherished. Nicole Jacquelyn has written a sensational story that will engage all of your emotions. I highly recommend this book!”
—SmutBookJunkie.com
“An emotional love story that will put your heart through the ringer in order to get that HEA, but you will feel full and happy.”
—TheBookHookup.com
“Unbreak My Heart is not an easy book to read but it demands to be read. It will consume your very being. It’s a story of love and loss—of second chances and new beginnings.”
—TotallyBookedBlog.com
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Contents
Cover
Title Page
Welcome
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Epilogue
An Excerpt from Unbreak My Heart
About the Author
Also by Nicole Jacquelyn
Acclaim for Nicole Jacquelyn
Newsletters
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Copyright © 2016 by Nicole Jacquelyn
Excerpt from Unbreak My Heart © 2016 by Nicole Jacquelyn
Cover design by Faceout Studios. Cover image © Marta Syrko / Trevillion Images. Cover copyright © 2016 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.
Hachette Book Group supports the right to free expression and the value of copyright. The purpose of copyright is to encourage writers and artists to produce the creative works that enrich our culture.
The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book without permission is a theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like permission to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), please contact
[email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
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First Edition: September 2016
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Lyrics from “Thief and a Liar” © 2012 by Jeffrey Martin. All rights reserved.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2016942582
ISBNs: 978-1-4555-3800-3 (paperback), 978-1-4555-3799-0 (ebook)
E3-20160802-DA-PC
Nicole Jacquelyn, Change of Heart
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