“Deli around the corner? I can’t be gone long, I’m slammed with everyone taking their vacations.”
“Sure, are the girls coming?” I asked distractedly as I loosened my tie and rolled up the sleeves of my shirt.
“Nah, you’ll just have to deal with looking at my beautiful face.”
I snorted and followed him down the stairs and out of the building.
“What’d you do the rest of the weekend?” he asked once we’d gotten our food and were sitting down.
I shrugged, buying myself some time as I tried to finish the bite I’d just taken. “Spent the night at Paisley’s after the party on Saturday, did our Sunday morning thing, went to the gym, then just chilled at my place the rest of the day. You?”
“Of course you did,” Jason mumbled.
“Of course I did what?”
“Spent the night with Paisley,” he answered with a challenging look. “You’re twenty-five, you don’t need to be having sleepovers with your best friend when there’s nothing else going on between you two. It’s weird.”
“Dude, you know I sleep better when Paisley is next to me.”
“It’s weird,” he repeated.
I shrugged. “It isn’t to us. She’s been sleeping next to me for years, and that’s how I prefer it. What’s weird is sleeping without her.
Jason rolled his eyes. “Whatever, I’m not getting into that with you today, but speaking of Paisley . . . thanks for being a twat block the other night, you dick.”
The change of subject caught me off guard for a second, but when I remembered the guy from Paisley’s party, I huffed. “You’re shitting me, right?”
“When was the last time she dated anyone . . . a year ago?”
Two. But I kept that to myself.
“And then Kristen and I try to set her up with someone, and you not only make her change, you won’t let her near Sean the rest of the night.”
“Okay, hold on.” I sat back in my chair and swallowed more food. “That guy was a creep. He was feeling up one girl and flirting with another at the same time when you went to get the girls.” Jason looked surprised, but I kept talking before he could. “Like I told Pay when I was making her put some goddamn clothes on—and you can let Kristen know she made her look like a hooker, by the way—I’d never try to stop Pay from dating someone as long as I thought he’d be good to her. And your pick definitely wouldn’t have been good to her. I was saving her from a douche who would’ve wanted her for all the wrong reasons, you’re welcome.”
Jason sat there for a few seconds with wide eyes. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah, where’d you find him anyway?”
“I went to college with him.”
“Nice,” I mumbled before picking my sandwich back up. “Stop trying to set Pay up. If she meets someone, she meets someone.”
“That’s a little hard to do with you around,” he argued.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
He avoided looking at me, keeping his eyes on his sandwich like it was the most interesting thing in the world. “It means you usually scare off anyone who tries to approach her.”
“Did you not just hear me? I want her to find someone, I just don’t want her to waste her time—”
“She’s your best friend, Eli, you’re never going to be okay with any of the guys. I know I’ve only known you a couple years, but I’ve heard enough stories from Kristen to know you have never let a relationship of hers last. You’ve found a way to end it.”
My eyes narrowed and I locked my jaw as I calmed myself. “Bullshit.”
“Can you name any guy she dated where you didn’t have a hand in ending that relationship?”
No. “She barely dates!”
He raised an eyebrow. “Exactly.”
I laughed agitatedly. “Whatever. I’m not stopping her from doing shit.”
“Maybe you just don’t realize it. But I know this, she’s about to be twenty-five. From conversations I’ve heard between her and my wife, she’s ready to settle down and get married. Whenever she’s out somewhere and you’re with her—which is always—the only time you’re not scaring guys away from her is when you’re too distracted by the girls you’re about to take home to fuck.”
“I don’t scare guys away from her.”
“You pull her close to your side and leave your arm around her whenever they start walking toward her!”
And? “She really wants to get married?”
Jason’s face looked like he couldn’t understand how I didn’t know that. “Yeah.”
Paisley get married? But then . . . “Damn it, I’m not ready to lose my wingman . . .”
“You’re gonna lose a lot more than just your wingman,” he grumbled, and I raised my eyebrows at him. “You really think the two of you are still going to have your Sunday mornings when she’s married? You think you’ll be sleeping in her bed, or vice versa, once she starts seriously dating someone and gets engaged?”
I didn’t say anything; I just sat there with my narrowed eyes directed at him.
“No, man, you’re not. Not only will her boyfriend . . . fiancé . . . husband, whatever, not be okay with that; she’ll no longer be okay with that. Because the main guy in her life isn’t going to be you anymore.”
My gaze dropped to the table, but I wasn’t seeing anything. There was an uneasy, hollow feeling in my chest as those words replayed in my mind. The main guy in her life isn’t going to be you. . .
“You’re not going to lose just your wingman, you’re gonna lose your best friend when some other guy realizes how amazing that girl is.”
Now that . . . I definitely wasn’t ready for that.
August 10, 2013
Paisley
“I’LL TEXT YOU her number later,” I groaned, but threw in a soft laugh at the end for his benefit.
“Where are you going again?”
“Oh my God, Eli, for the fiftieth time . . . I’m going to a bonfire with a bunch of my cousins and their friends.”
“And you didn’t invite me?”
I stopped walking and just stood there staring off at the ocean. “Talking to you is like talking to a child, Eli Jenkins! You’ve asked that in that exact same wounded voice every time I’ve told you what I’m doing today. And for the last time, I didn’t invite you because the last time you saw my cousins you pulled a Will Ferrell . . . except it worked.”
“It’s not my fault your cousins were wasted and actually thought we were going streaking, and ended up getting busted by the cops.”
“Well, that’s not how they feel about it.” I moved the phone away from my face so he wouldn’t hear me laughing. When I’d composed myself again, I let out a long, annoyed sigh. “The things I do for you. I’ll text you her number as soon as we get off the phone, okay?”
“You’re the best, Pay!”
“I know. Have a good night, don’t tell me the details.”
He huffed. “See you tomorrow morning?”
“As long as she’s not still in your apartment, I’ll be there with breakfast.”
“She’ll be gone. See you then.”
Ending the call, I bit down on the inside of my cheek and tried to ignore another fraction of my heart being broken off by him as I texted him my friend’s number.
“You’re welcome,” I mumbled.
Telling myself to not think about them together, and to have a good time tonight, I blew out a hard breath and walked down the beach to meet up with everyone. I breathed in the smell of the bonfire and felt myself already relaxing—there was nothing a good bonfire couldn’t make better.
“Little Paisley!”
I made a face at my cousin Michael, who was only a month older than me, but still almost a foot and a half taller. He launched himself at me, and I burst into a fit of gig
gles when he swung me up in his arms and turned us in really tight circles.
“I’m gonna be sick, stop!” I shrieked through my laughter, but thankfully he took it as a serious threat.
“Did you get shorter?”
My eyebrows pinched together and I tried to look behind his head. “Are you—is that—are you going bald?”
His expression deadpanned and I grinned wryly at him. “That shit’s not funny.”
“I thought it was.”
“Yeah, whatever. Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone you don’t know.” We didn’t take four steps before he turned me toward the cooler. “Want anything?”
“Just water for now.”
He nodded and slapped a guy on the back who was reaching in there. “Brett, this is my cousin Paisley.”
Brett straightened and turned, his arm already stretching out to shake mine—but the second he saw me his movements faltered, and my breath caught. Breathe, Paisley, breathe, I reminded myself as I took in his green eyes, wild hair, crooked smile, and splash of freckles on his face. But there was something about him that not only had me forgetting how to breathe, but also had me immediately forgetting about Eli and the numerous heartaches I’d endured because of him.
Chapter Three
August 23, 2013
Paisley
“HEY, BEAUTIFUL! JUST the girl I was hoping to see.”
My steps faltered at his words, and as soon as I could manage to remove the shocked expression, a huge smile crossed my face. Did he just call me beautiful?
I went into Eli’s strong arms easily, just like I’d done for the last twelve years. Breathing in his clean, masculine scent always made me feel like I was finally at home again. When I felt his lips graze my ear, my eyes fluttered shut and I melted into his chest.
“Thank God you’re here,” he whispered softly, and my heart tripped up. “The girl at your three o’clock went home with me the other night and now thinks she has some claim on me. Mind helping me out tonight?”
And there went my heart. Dropped straight through my stomach and was left lying uselessly on the floor. Was that . . . yep! That was Eli stomping on it. Again.
When I finally got my throat to work, all that came out was a breathy “Uh . . .” that was lost in the cheering throughout the bar.
“You’re the best, Pay!” His mouth brushed against my neck as he leaned back, but he pulled me between his legs where he sat on the bar stool—caging me in between him and the bar.
Like always, the ear he’d just been speaking into and the line where his mouth had dragged across my neck were on fire. Where his arm locked around my waist was burning me through my shirt, and I was having trouble breathing.
But that could have also been because I was on the verge of tears.
This wasn’t the first time this had happened, not by a long shot—and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. Yet every time I expected it to be different. I expected him to actually want me, for his touches to mean something. And just like every other time, I swore to myself that this would be the last time I let him use me to get his psychotic girlfriends or one-nighters to go away.
I almost laughed out loud. Who was I kidding? I would do anything for him.
Everyone in the bar erupted into cheers and yells of displeasure, snapping me out of my pity party, and I looked up at one of the many TVs hanging throughout the bar. Eli’s arm constricted around my waist, pulling me impossibly closer, and his lips were at my ear again.
“I’m exhausted. We had meetings all day today, but when I was about to leave here, Laura showed up and tried to come home with me. So I just need to stick it out until she goes first. Swear to God though, I’m about to fall asleep on the bar.”
A quick glance confirmed Laura was shooting daggers at me and was most likely the reason Eli was pulling me close again. To anyone else, he probably looked like he was whispering anything from sweet nothings to naughty promises in my ear.
If only they knew.
I nodded my head and grabbed the mostly-full Guinness in front of me. “This yours?” I don’t know why I asked, who else drank Guinness other than Eli?
“Of cour—”
“Great.” Without asking, I tipped the large glass back to my lips and gulped down the thick beer until there was nothing left but remnants of foam.
Eli grabbed the empty glass and set it on the counter before turning me to face him. “Christ, Pay, what was that? You hate Guinness.”
I do hate it. Like really, really hate it. Oh God, how do people enjoy that stuff? My stomach felt sick from the thick liquid, and I was still making a face as if I’d just downed a shot of tequila. Looking past his head, I contemplated how fast I could make it to the door when Eli cupped my cheeks.
“Hey, look at me. What’s wrong, did you have a bad day?”
Well, I just came to the depressing realization that I’ve been in love with you and have waited for you for twelve years—and yet I’ve done nothing about it and probably will never do anything about it because I’m a wimp. And I know you don’t feel the same since you’re using me as a shield for the umpteenth time in our friendship. So yeah, you can say it’s been a bad last few minutes.
I looked to where Laura had just been standing and scanned the immediate area when I didn’t find her there. “I have to go home I forgot I have morning . . . early—I have to get up early,” I stammered, and pushed against one knee caging me in. Eli just held me there tighter.
Brushing loose hair away from my face, his hands went back to cupping my cheeks and forced me to look at him again. His blue eyes were wide with worry and I almost forgot what I’d been attempting to do when I saw them. I loved his eyes, I could get lost in them. Against his tan skin and dirty-blond hair, they looked like dark oceans with bolts of lightning going through them.
I started to lean into his touch, but then remembered why he was touching me. When it was just us there were hugs, arms slung around shoulders, and the nights we curled up with each other in one of our beds, but nothing more. When I was acting as his way out—it was everything I’d always craved from him. My few moments of deluding myself into thinking his touches meant something . . . my few moments of pretending.
And this was the last time I would have those moments.
My vision went blurry and I blinked rapidly against the stupid traitor tears that were threatening to spill down my cheeks.
“Paisley, you’re crying?” he whispered harshly, and I felt his body go still against mine. “Tell me who they are, and what they did. Now.”
The who was making me quickly lose my will to walk away, and the what was not helping by going all hero on me and holding me closer. I pushed against his chest and he responded by sliding one of his hands from my cheek to the back of my neck, bringing my face close enough that our foreheads and noses were touching.
A quick rush of air left my body and I stopped breathing for tortured moments as I realized this was the closest our lips had ever been. He doesn’t want you, Paisley. He doesn’t want you. Closing my eyes, I tried pushing against his chest again.
“Stop trying to leave,” he gritted.
“You can stop touching me, your fuck buddy already left.”
Eli jerked back and stared at me with open shock. Using the shock to my advantage, I pushed against his strong leg and had made it two steps away from him when he caught my arm and swung me back to him.
“Pay—”
“Let me go!”
The bar was loud enough that only a couple of our friends who had been sitting near him had heard me. But in that moment, it wouldn’t have mattered if an entire city heard me yell that at him, or no one at all. I wanted to take it back. The hurt that tore through those blue eyes I loved so much caused an ache to rip through my chest, worse than the one I’d already been battling.
Instinct told me to as
k him to forgive me . . . I couldn’t stand the thought of him being mad at me or hurting because of something I’d done. But survival kicked in and took forefront. Because of my pathetic excuse for a backbone, he had been unknowingly hurting me since we were thirteen years old, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
I needed to stop waiting around for him to fall in love with me too.
I needed to stop letting him have this control over me.
I needed to start living for me. Not for Eli Jenkins.
Wrenching my arm free from his grasp, I turned and fled from the bar. I’d just opened the door to my car when Eli’s hand slapped down on the glass and slammed it shut.
“What was that, Paisley?” Before I could respond, he was talking again. “You know I don’t give a shit if Laura was still there or not. If you’re upset and about to start crying—you’re all that matters. You’re my best friend, if something’s going on with you, then you have my full attention. I’d already completely forgotten about her by the time you picked up my beer.”
I hated and loved that Eli wasn’t the kind of guy to yell. He’d always had a calmness about him, even in the most stressful of situations. To see him go off meant that whatever was wrong was wrong in an epic sort of way. But that didn’t mean he didn’t get mad. And I’d been around him long enough to pick out his emotions. It was all in his eyes and the deepness of his voice—and right now, Eli was hurt and pissed off. Knowing that, and seeing his calm exterior, was worse than just having him yell at me.
“Now I don’t know why the fuck you just went off on me, but tell me right now what happened to put you in the mood you’re in.”
“Language,” I chastised softly.
Placing his closed fist under my chin, he tilted my head back until I was looking in those hypnotic eyes again. “Paisley, you don’t cry for anything. Tell me who hurt you.”
You. It’s always been you. Tears continued to fill my eyes as I opened my car door again.
A broken exhale left him when I stepped away and climbed into my car. “Why won’t you tell me? You tell me everything. When did that change?”
When I realized I’ve been— And that’s when it hit me. Eli wasn’t hurting me. I’d been hurting myself by waiting for something I knew would never happen. I’d been hurting myself by allowing him to put us in this position.