Looking over at my best friend, and the man who had held my heart for twelve years, I wiped away tears and answered simply, “Tonight.”
August 30, 2013
Eli
I HUNG UP and threw the phone against the recliner before falling onto my sofa. What the hell was happening? Paisley and I usually didn’t go more than a day without talking, and that was if we were busy. It’d been a week since the night at O’Malley’s and she hadn’t returned any of my calls or texts. If it hadn’t been for Jason saying she was with Kristen last night, I would have already filed a missing persons report for her.
Raking my hands through my hair, I held them there as I thought back to that night. I didn’t even know how to explain what had happened with her. One second we’re watching the game and I’m trying not to pass out from exhaustion, the next she’s downing my Guinness, trying her hardest not to cry, and yelling and cussing at me.
There were a few things wrong with that picture. One, Paisley hates Guinness with a passion, and thinks German beer should be the only beer consumed. Two, I’ve seen her cry two times in all the years that I’ve known her and remembered them perfectly. When her grandpa passed, and when Johnny Gallo tried to ruin her publicly after she gave him something I wished she’d saved for someone who treated her like she was his world. Three, she has only yelled at me once and that was two days after she got her first car. We had covered her car in Post-it notes, but only after we’d finished Saran-wrapping the entire thing. And four, I have never once, in the twelve years of knowing her, heard my Paisley cuss. Ever.
I was planning another trip to her apartment when my phone went off with her ringtone, and I launched across the space from the couch to the recliner.
“Pay?” I answered, and exhaled a heavy sigh of relief when I heard her voice come through.
“Hey, Eli.”
“How’ve you been, are you okay? Goddamn, Paisley, I don’t even understand what happened last weekend.”
“Language,” she whispered, and a large smile crossed my face. “Do you think—uh, do you think we could talk?”
I was already going for my keys on the counter. “Of course, I’m on my way to your place.”
“No!”
Jerking to a halt, I paused for a few seconds before rolling my eyes and grabbing my keys. “I’m coming to see you.”
“Can you meet me at Grind?”
“You haven’t answered my calls in almost a week, and you want to talk about last weekend in a coffee shop? Are you serious?”
She sighed, and when she finally answered me, her soft voice was determined. “Yes.”
“All right, when?”
“I’m already here.”
And I was already running out my door. “I’ll be there in fifteen.”
I made it in nine.
I was trying to remain calm, but everything about this last week and her phone call had me on edge. Something had happened to her, and I needed to know what it was. I found her immediately at the table we normally sat at, and tried not to look like I was stalking over to her. She didn’t smile, and didn’t stand to meet me like she normally did, but I needed to reassure myself my Paisley was still here and okay.
Pulling her out of the chair, I wrapped my arms around her tiny shoulders and held her close—my body relaxed when I felt her arms go around my waist.
“What happened?”
She shrugged and pulled away to sit back down, and a frown tugged at my lips even as she tried to send me a reassuring smile. “I was just being dramatic. Nothing new there.”
Bullshit. “I’m going to get a coffee, how long have you been here?”
“About an hour.”
“Which means this is gone,” I assumed, and grabbed the empty cup. “I’ll get you another.”
After getting a black coffee for myself and another mocha for Paisley, I went back to the table and tried not to ask why she looked nervous as shit. Her brown eyes flickered up to mine and I felt my forehead pinch together. Was she wearing makeup? Since when does Pay wear makeup?
“So, uh, how’s work?”
The cup stopped halfway to my lips and stayed there before I placed it roughly back on the table. A week after the weirdest fucking night of our friendship and that’s what I get?
“Okay, what the hell is going on? I haven’t seen you in a week. We never have these awkward silences. You never have to ask, ‘Uh, how’s work?’ And you’re wearing makeup, for Christ’s sake.”
Her eyes brightened, and her full lips went up into a soft smile. “You noticed I’m wearing makeup?”
“Are you fucking kidding me? That’s what you’re going to go with out of all that?” When her cheeks darkened and her mouth formed a tight line, I sighed. “I’m a guy, but I still know what makeup is. I had to spend years trying to get Candice and Rachel not to wear that shit, so yeah, I noticed that you’re wearing it.”
“Langu—”
I leaned closer until I was right in front of her face and spoke low. “Language is about to get a whole lot worse if you don’t clue me in on whatever’s happening with you.”
“I met someone,” she blurted out, and I rocked back in my seat.
“What?”
“Um, I, uh—I met someone. A guy.”
“No, I got what you meant. When did this happen and do I know him?”
Her eyes were glued to her cup, but I wanted her to look at me so I could understand what exactly this guy had done to her. If he’d hurt her I was going to kill him.
“A few weeks ago, and, no, you don’t know him. We’ve gone out a lot since I met him . . .” She continued talking, but I didn’t hear anything else.
She’d met this guy weeks ago and hadn’t told me? And this entire week when I’d been trying to get ahold of her, she’d probably been on dates with him? Fuck. That. I didn’t care who this prick thought he was. Paisley was my closest friend; I wasn’t about to lose her to this guy. Especially if it meant her turning into the Paisley I’d seen the last two times we’d been together.
“Eli.” Her shaky tone finally broke through my inner brooding, and I looked up at her. “I need to tell you something—and I don’t want you to respond until the end when I ask you a question. Okay?”
He hurt her. I knew it. That’s it; he was dead.
“Eli?”
“Yeah, okay,” I growled.
Paisley’s dark eyes turned sad and she shook her head. “I don’t know what you’re mad about, but we don’t have to do this right now, we can do it later.”
When she started to stand, I grabbed her hand and held her there. “No, I want to do this now, but I need to know if he hurt you, Pay. It’s killing me thinking of everything this guy might have done to you.”
“Of course he didn’t!”
Relief surged through my body until I realized that there was still something else making her act like this. Trying to keep my tone neutral, I urged her to tell me. “Okay, I promise I’ll stay quiet until your question.”
Her eyes immediately fell back to her coffee cup as she took measured breaths in and out—and just when I was about to beg her to talk to me, she looked back up.
“This guy I met, Brett, he’s—well, he’s different. Like, he’s a game changer for me. I look at him, and I have no doubt of that. I have no doubt that I could spend the rest of my life with him.”
Oh shit. It was like Jason said. I really was going to lose my Paisley.
“And I know that sounds crazy after only a few weeks, but, honestly, I knew it the first day I met him. I don’t know how to explain it. It wasn’t like the world stopped turning or anything, there was just a feeling I had.” She swallowed roughly and looked away for a second. “But there’s this other guy, and I swear this guy owns my soul.”
There was another guy? And she hadn’t said anything? We’d
always told each other everything. Seriously, when the hell did all this change?
“Eli,” she whispered, her voice nearly inaudible. “I have been in love with you since I was thirteen years old.”
Paisley dated people about as often as the Olympics came around, and I spent nearly every day with her. How could I not have known about all these— Her declaration finally hit me, and I schooled my features before I could give away my shock.
What. The. Hell did she just say? She what? No—no way. She was my best friend. Nothing more. My mind raced as she took controlled breaths and kept up her fucked-up confession.
“I’ve kept quiet for twelve years, and I would’ve continued to if I hadn’t met Brett. These last few weeks have been casual, but I know he wants it to be more. But if there is a chance of an us, then there would be absolutely no thoughts of anything else with him.”
This couldn’t be happening to us. She was my best friend. My wingman. She was the only girl I could stand to be around for any period of time other than my sisters, Candice and Rachel. And even those two were pushing it.
“Eli, I need to know.” She exhaled slowly and waited until she held my stare. “Is there any possibility of there being an us?”
I sat there frozen as I replayed everything she’d just said over and over. Waiting, hoping for her to take it all back. As the minutes ticked by, her anxious posture slowly hunched in on itself, and I watched as the hopefulness left her eyes.
Not a joke. This was real.
As the confusion washed through me, my head began shaking back and forth. “You’re my best friend, Paisley,” I nearly whispered. “You’ve always just been my best friend.”
A heavy breath left her when she grasped there was nothing else I would be adding, and for the second time in a week—and the fourth time in a dozen years—I watched Paisley bite down on her bottom lip as her eyes filled with tears.
“Pay . . .” I started reaching across the table, but stopped short. How was I supposed to touch her? How was I supposed to comfort her? How was I supposed to do anything now that I knew how she felt?
She blinked back the tears and it hit me. The bar—her tears. Like I’d done countless times, I’d been using her to make someone else realize I wasn’t interested. I had been touching her, brushing kisses against her neck—oh God. They meant nothing to me . . . but they’d meant something to her.
My head dropped into my hands and my elbows hit the table. If Paisley was in love with me, that changed everything . . . in the worst way possible.
“At the bar.” My voice came out rough, and I tried to clear my throat. “I was the reason you were upset last weekend.” I took her silence as confirmation, and even through my fear of losing my best friend, I hated myself in that moment. “I’m so sorry, Pay.”
“Don’t be, it’s not your fault—I mean, it’s not like you had any idea.” She tried to laugh, but it sounded wrong.
All of this was wrong.
“I have to go,” she choked out minutes later, and rushed out of the coffee shop.
I was out of my chair and running outside as soon as I heard the door shut. “Paisley,” I called after her, never stopping until I had ahold of her arm and was pulling her close into my chest.
Her body shook beneath my arms, and her head stayed bent as I whispered, “I’m sorry” over and over again. Tilting her head back, I brushed at her wet cheeks. “Pay, please don’t cry . . . it’s killing me to know that I’m the reason behind these tears.”
Paisley’s eyes closed as more tears fell from them, and her jaw trembled as she clenched it tight. When she tried lowering her head again, and I wouldn’t allow the movement, her eyes opened—and they were pleading with me.
What? I wasn’t sure. I was just terrified that she was somehow letting me know that I was about to lose her. That this was my only chance, and I knew it was a chance I couldn’t take. I loved her, but not the way she wanted me to. I couldn’t give her what she was asking for.
Kissing the top of her head, I left my lips there and prayed I wouldn’t lose my best friend as I whispered, “I’m sorry I can’t be what you need.”
A strangled cry burst from her chest, and when she tried again, I let her leave my arms to get in her car. As I stood in the parking lot watching her drive away, I knew I’d just lost the only girl who’d ever meant anything to me.
Chapter Four
September 1, 2013
Paisley
“I DON’T KNOW why it hurt so bad to hear him say those words—it’s not like I didn’t know that’s how he felt. It’s not like it’d been some big question of whether or not he might love me too . . . I guess I’d just kept letting myself believe that when he found out, he’d maybe see things differently, or something, I don’t know.” Looking over at Jason, I forced out something that vaguely resembled a laugh. “I blame you for that last part.”
Jason and Kristen both sat there sharing twin looks of pity, and I hated it. All their expressions were doing was making the ache in my soul grow.
Eli wasn’t in love with me.
I’m sorry I can’t be what you need.
My lips thinned into a tight line, and tears filled my eyes as his words played over and over again in my head. They’d sounded tortured coming from him, and they were torturing me still two days later.
“Paisley,” Kristen crooned.
“I’m fine,” I lied, and tilted my head back as I blinked away the tears.
I almost never cried, but Eli Jenkins was bringing the tears out a lot lately. I didn’t want them. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to feel like nothing was right in the world. I didn’t want to be hiding out at Kristen and Jason’s on a Sunday morning because I was worried Eli would show up at my house and try to act like nothing had changed between us—while at the same time terrified he wouldn’t show up at all. I didn’t want to have a shattered soul while simultaneously having my chest tighten in anticipation at the thought of seeing Brett later. I just wanted to go back to how everything had been.
I’d spent half of my life silently loving Eli Jenkins. And up until a few weeks ago, I would have told you with one hundred percent certainty that I would have continued loving only him for the rest of my life even if he never found out—as pathetic as that sounds. I never expected to find someone who would have me reconsidering that future, and I definitely never expected to find someone who would have me falling that hard that fast.
There was no way to prepare for Brett and the impact he’d already had on my life, just like there was no way for me to prepare to lose everything I’d had with Eli. He was still my best friend, and, sure, I could have gone on with our friendship . . . but even Eli had stopped calling. He hadn’t tried to contact me once since I’d driven away from Grind on Friday morning, and Jason said he hadn’t shown up to work that day.
“I should have never told him . . . I should have just started the relationship with Brett.”
“No. No, you shouldn’t have. Because what if this thing with Brett continues? You said he’s different, and I don’t doubt it since it finally made you tell Eli your feelings. But what if somewhere down the road you two got married, and you’re sitting there wondering what would’ve happened if you had just told Eli how you felt? What if you’d gotten so deep in your relationship with Brett only to find out that Eli felt the same, and then you had to choose between two men you loved?”
My stomach churned, and I wished I hadn’t drunk that coffee. “But in telling him all that, I just pushed him away. Not only did I force him to confirm that nothing will ever happen between us, I’ve lost my best friend.”
“That’s not true,” Kristen said sadly at the same time Jason assured me, “No, you haven’t.”
“I think it was a lot of information at once,” Jason continued. “I think you probably blew his mind, and I think he needs time to think about it. You’
ve had twelve years of falling in love with him, and he just found out forty-eight hours ago at the same time of finding out about Brett. Give him time to come around; but you haven’t lost him, trust me. That guy is terrified of losing you.”
My forehead pinched together. “How do you know that?”
Kristen turned to look at Jason. “Yeah. How do you know that?”
Jason rubbed at the back of his neck before slamming his hand down on the arm of the chair he was sitting in. “I kinda talked to him about you a few weeks ago. It was the Monday after that party at your apartment when we tried to set you up with Sean.”
“Jason! You promised!”
He put his hands in the air, and looked around like I was missing something obvious. “I know I did, and I kept my promise. I don’t know why you look so freaked out, Pay, it’s a moot point now. He already knows you love him.” Kristen smacked him and he looked at her. “What?”
“What did you tell him?”
“We were talking about Sean. He was mad that I’d tried to set you up with him and told me to stop trying to set you up with anyone. Said if you found someone, then you found someone—I told him that was hard to do with him around.”
My eyes widened and my stomach dropped.
“We kind of argued over the fact that he makes sure guys don’t approach you, and that he’s always had a hand in ending whatever relationships you’ve had before. I told him I knew you were ready to get married and all that, and it kind of stunned him. He said he wasn’t ready to lose his wingman.”
I was about to cry again. I swallowed past the tightness in my throat and tried to ignore the stinging in my eyes as I waited for him to finish.
“I . . .” Jason paused, and eyed me warily before blowing out a hard rush of air. “I told him he wasn’t just going to lose his wingman. I more or less told him that your nights of sleeping over with each other, and Sunday mornings, wouldn’t be happening if you started seriously dating and got married. Then I might have told him he’d be losing his best friend.”