“You’re much more confident than I am.” I got up and adjusted a few of my books that weren’t quite even. I was a stickler for organizing my bookshelves, and it was the first thing I’d done when I unpacked, even before opening any other boxes. Cordelia had tried to help, but she’d quickly realized that I had a system and that system only made sense to me. I was still apologizing about it.
“You’re going to be fine. With all that reading, you’re going to run circles around everyone else.” I felt my cheeks getting hot. I didn’t take compliments well. At all. Ever. I was eighteen-years-old and I couldn’t take a compliment without blushing.
“Thanks,” I finally said.
There was a knock at the door and we both looked at each other.
“Should we answer it?” I asked, and Cordelia shrugged before getting up and peering through the peephole. She had to get up on her tippy toes to do it.
“Oh, it’s Laura,” she said before she opened the door. Laura was our Resident Assistant, aka, babysitter. We’d met her the night we moved in and she’d had a few meetings and popped in a few times already. Even though she was only a few years older, she seemed to think she was going to be our surrogate parent.
“Hey, I just wanted to let you know that we’re having a little get-to-know-you party in the study lounge right now, if you want to come.” Cordelia looked at me as if I was the one making the decision. I didn’t really want to, to be honest.
“There’s free pizza,” Laura said in a sing-song voice. Oh. Well, that changed things.
“Sure,” I said, and Cordelia nodded.
“Great!” Laura bounced off to ask the rest of our neighbors if they wanted to come.
“You can’t turn down free pizza,” Cordelia said. I agreed.
THERE WERE ONLY A FEW people in the study lounge when we got there, including one of the girls that lived in our hall. I was pretty sure her name was Stella. Of course, Cordelia went right up to her and grabbed two paper plates from the table Laura had set up.
“You’re Stella, right?” she asked, and I took one of the plates.
“Yeah, and you’re.... shit, I’m bad with names.” Cordelia introduced us and we all piled our plates with pizza before we claimed one of the couches.
Stella was one of those girls who just looked ethereally beautiful all the time. Every strand of her ash-blonde hair was in place and her eyeliner was winged perfection. I had never managed to come even close to that.
Stella pulled out her phone and then looked up at the doorway and grinned.
“Be right back,” she said, setting down her pizza plate. I watched as she walked over to a girl with her hair piled in a messy bun on top of her head with black-framed glasses.
“Hey, baby,” she said and planted a kiss on the other girl’s mouth. Oh. OH. She led the newcomer over to the pizza table and then over to us. They were holding hands and I felt like I was staring. I glanced at Cordelia, but she didn’t seem to be affected at all.
It wasn’t that it made me uncomfortable, exactly. I just ... I hadn’t really seen someone be so open before. Welcome to college.
“Hey, this is my girlfriend, Kyle, and this is Chase and Cordelia,” Stella said.
“Hey,” Kyle said as she and Stella sat down on the other end of the couch.
“Hi,” I said, my voice squeaking. Why was I being so weird? Oh, right, because I was me.
“Hey, nice to meet you,” Cordelia said. I shoved my pizza in my mouth so I wouldn’t have to talk and Cordelia did her thing, asking Stella and Kyle about themselves.
“We thought about living together, but our parents put the kibosh on that, didn’t they, babe?” Kyle said, kissing Stella on the cheek. They were pretty cute, I had to admit. Something about seeing two girls together just made me feel strange, though. Cordelia didn’t seem to have the same problem.
“Pretty much. But what they don’t know won’t hurt them,” Stella said. I nibbled on my slice of pizza and wished I could go back to my room without seeming rude.
“What are your majors?” Cordelia asked.
“English,” Stella said, pointing to herself.
“Undeclared,” Kyle said, doing the same.
“I’m English too,” I said, and relaxed a little. It would be nice to know someone in the same program. Or at least have a friendly face in some of my classes tomorrow.
“And I’m Undeclared,” Cordelia said, giving Kyle a fist bump.
“What are the chances?” Stella said. She turned to me and started asking about my classes and I found myself able to start talking a little more.
We had two classes together tomorrow, so I was going to see her a lot.
“That is so cool. If you ever want to study together, you can always come down the hall. You’re only a few doors away.” Guess we’d be spending a lot of time together.
“And we can hang out and try and figure our shit out,” Kyle said to Cordelia and they both laughed. We finished our pizza and sat around for a little bit talking. The more time I spent with them, the less I was freaking out, so by the time Cordelia and I headed back to our room, we’d made plans to hang out the next night with Stella and Kyle.
“They were really cool,” Cordelia said as I packed up my bag for the next day. I’d already gone around and mapped out all my classes and knew how long it took to get to each one. Cordelia actually had a break at the same time as I did, so we had already made plans to meet in the Union for lunch, so I had that planned out too. I’d called my parents and they’d wished me luck. All that I had to do was get up, eat breakfast, and do it.
I could do this.
“Yeah,” I said, as I ran through my last mental checklist.
“You’re going to give yourself an ulcer. Calm down, it’ll be fine.” I turned and narrowed my eyes at her.
“Don’t mess with my process. It’s worked for me all this time and I’m not going to change it now.”
She laughed and flopped down on her bed. Her textbooks were still wrapped in plastic and stacked on the floor in a haphazard pile. It was making my eye twitch every time I looked at it. I didn’t know how she could stand it, but from the way she’d organized her stuff, Cordelia wasn’t as much of a stickler for “a place for everything and everything in its place” as I was. I guess that was okay. I could just organize her stuff when she was in class. Or sleeping.
“Are you ready?” she asked, as I did a last check. I’d probably do another in the morning. I made sure my alarm was set on my phone and that I had my clothes picked out and sitting on top of my dresser. Good. I was set to go for my first day of college. Now I just had to tell my stomach to stop being upset and my brain to shut down so I could actually get some sleep.
“I think so,” I said, giving her a thumbs-up.
“You’re going to be fine, Chase. You’ve got your shit together.” I didn’t feel like I did. Most of the time I felt like the entire world was spinning out of my control and I was just barely holding on.
“Thanks,” I said, lying back on my bed. I turned and looked at my bookshelf. I needed to read to calm my mind.
I was in a young adult mood, so I scanned that shelf. I had everything from contemporary to fantasy to steampunk to dystopian to speculative fiction. All of it. I tried to read as widely as I could because I wanted to have the whole range of books in my life. Especially if I was going to be a literary agent or editor. I wasn’t sure yet. I also kept track of the bestsellers lists and what was currently selling.
I wanted something familiar and comforting, so I grabbed a Cinderella retelling that I’d had for years. I’d read it so many times that I’d had to buy another copy because mine had fallen apart. I loved the spunky Cinderella character because she actually saved the prince in this one. Plus, she didn’t take anyone’s shit, which was another great part of it.
“What are you reading?” Cordelia asked, as she stretched out. I looked away for some reason as she arched her back and lifted her arms above her head.
I
held up the book so she could see the title.
“Wanna read out loud?” Was she serious?
“Really?” She nodded.
“Oh, I mean, I guess?” It seemed kind of strange, but my parents had always read to me as a kid and I’d loved it. Sometimes I read to Kate when both of us couldn’t sleep. I guess this was no different.
“Cool,” she said, getting up and finding her pajamas and grabbing her toothbrush. “I’ll be right back.”
While she was gone, I changed into my pajamas and got settled before also going to brush my teeth. Cordelia waved when I showed up in the bathroom and I took the sink next to her. She kept making faces at me in the mirror and I had to stop myself from spraying toothpaste everywhere as I laughed.
Faces washed and teeth brushed, we went back to our room. It was so strange how, after only a few days, we’d gotten a routine down. I was more of a morning person than Cordelia, so I was the designated waker-upper every morning. She looked so grumpy when she woke up, her hair tousled and everywhere. Really cute. I knew I didn’t look that cute when I woke up. My eyes were always puffy.
We both got under the covers and I turned all the lights off except for a small lamp to read by, and started the book. I could feel Cordelia watching me out of the corner of her eye, holding onto one of her pillows that she hugged while she slept. It was a little odd at first, but then I melted into the story, and it wasn’t.
At one moment I looked over and her eyes were closed and her breathing was deep. She appeared asleep, so I stopped.
“Keep going,” she mumbled, but didn’t open her eyes.
I did.
CORDELIA
I hoped Chase liked reading me to sleep, because I was going to require it for every night that we lived together, and not just because I was a selfish bitch. When she read, she relaxed. At first, her voice wavered, but then it softened and I watched her get lost in the story. It was good for her. Good for both of us. It gave my chaotic mind something to grab onto for a little bit. And it didn’t hurt that she had a killer voice. Kind of deep and sexy. Like she knew all kinds of secrets.
Her voice wasn’t so deep and sexy when she was yelling at me to wake up the next morning.
“If you don’t get up, you’re gonna be late,” she said, and I could hear the terror in her voice. I cracked an eye open and grabbed my phone.
“Chase, it’s seven. I don’t have class until nine.” What the fuck was even happening? I raked my hand through my hair, and it got stuck. I yanked it out, along with a few hairs. Ugh. Curly hair was a curse sometimes.
“Right, but you have to shower and get your books ready and eat breakfast ...” She trailed off when she saw my face as I looked up at her.
“No,” I said, pulling the blankets back over my head.
“Will you at least have breakfast with me?” I groaned under the covers. I wasn’t going to get back to sleep at this rate. I peeked out and looked at her. She was practically vibrating with anxiety. I knew she was nervous, but I could see the absolute terror in her eyes.
I was up.
“Okay, did you want to go to the dining commons?” I asked, and she shook her head, her blunt-cut hair swinging and hitting her cheeks. She was already dressed and polished and her bag was sitting by the door. I knew she’d had it packed and had checked it repeatedly for the past few days. She’d mapped out her classes and had even peered in the doors to figure out where she wanted to sit. I’d gone along with her, but hadn’t done the same. I wasn’t that organized. Plus, thinking the way she did would stress me out. It was much better to ignore things until they became problems. Or went away. It had worked for me for nearly nineteen years. Sort of.
“Breakfast here?” I said, sitting up and stretching my arms over my head. Chase looked away and I realized that I was wearing a white shirt without a bra. Holy headlights. Oops. I crossed my arms and then got up and put a robe on.
“Yeah,” she said. We’d also gone grocery shopping, such as it was. You couldn’t really cook a whole lot of stuff in a dorm room. Technically we weren’t supposed to have a microwave, but Chase, of all people, had brought one and kept it under her bed when we weren’t using it.
“Waffles and coffee?” I asked. She nodded, her head jerking up and down. She was really on-edge. I didn’t know her that well to know what would be the right thing to say to help her.
This kind of sucked. And it was still too fucking early.
Whatever, I was going to be living with Chase for the foreseeable future, so I might as well get used to her early-bird tendencies.
I pulled out the tiny coffeepot (also against the rules) and got some water from the fountain by the bathroom. A few other students passed me on their way to class or to the bathroom for their morning showers. I showered at night. Why anyone would shower at the beginning of the day was beyond me.
I tried to stifle a yawn as Kyle shuffled by me, her eyes puffy. She gave me a wave and a nod and I gave her one back.
Another not-morning person.
I got back and Chase was microwaving frozen waffles. Gourmet.
She wouldn’t sit still as the coffee brewed and the waffles spun in the microwave.
She set up a little breakfast spot on the floor for us. We’d gotten into that routine, if we were eating in our room, we made a meal out of it by putting a towel on the floor and sitting together. I guess it was like we were at home having a family meal.
I missed Dad so much. I texted him every day and he’d called me more than a few times. But he was trying not to be too needy, which was cute. He was seriously my best friend and I almost wished that he could live next door to us. Almost.
I stirred salted caramel creamer into my coffee, but Chase had hers black. She also only put a little bit of syrup on her waffles. I drowned mine.
“I don’t know how you can eat that much sugar,” she said, shuddering as I cut my waffles into bite-size bits. I shrugged and shoved a forkful of waffles in my mouth.
Sugar. Sweet, wonderful, sinful sugar. The syrup had butter in it too. Perfection. Chase picked at her food and fiddled with her utensils.
“You doing okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. I guess I’m just nervous.”
“That’s totally understandable.” I mean, if I let myself, I’d be freaking out too. But I would rather focus on the waffles on my plate than entertain the idea that I was facing my first day of college classes that would determine my future.
“I’m just scared that I picked the wrong major. That I’m picking the wrong career, the wrong life,” she said in quiet rush. There it was. Now I had something to work with.
“Hey, it’s only the first day. You won’t know if it’s right until you actually go to your classes. And you might even change your mind after you get your degree, or halfway through. It’s not a crime to change your mind, Chase.” She pushed her waffles around on her plate.
“I know. I just ... I like knowing things. I like knowing my routine and my days and everything. Right now it’s all unknown and that scares the shit out of me.” She looked up at me with her eyes wide and I thought she was going to cry. I pushed our plates aside and leaned in.
“Can I give you a hug?” She nodded and sniffed. It was still too early, but damn, I was gonna comfort this girl.
I leaned over and put my arms around her and she put hers around me. I nestled my head on her shoulder because it seemed like the right thing to do.
Her hair smelled like mint and rosemary. I was going to have to steal her conditioner.
“It’s going to be okay,” I said, because what else was there to say? I wasn’t so great at the comfort thing, but I could give her a hug and hold her and tell her nice things.
Her head dipped and her cheek rested on my shoulder. My skin tingled, and I tried to ignore it. I nearly jumped when I realized she was running her fingers through my curls.
“Ouch,” I said when her hand hit a snag.
“Sorry,” she said into my shoulder. Her voice was m
uffled, and I couldn’t stop the feeling that I didn’t want to let go from this hug.
“It’s okay,” I said back. No one was pulling away and we had passed the acceptable hug period.
But I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to hold her and smell her hair and be like this for a long time. I hoped she couldn’t feel my heart racing. I didn’t know why my heart was racing.
Chase’s phone went off and we both lunged back like we’d been shot.
“I have to go,” she said. I raised one eyebrow. Her first class didn’t start in over an hour.
“I just want to make sure I get a good seat,” she said, standing up. I gathered the plates and tossed them in the trash, and put everything else away. Honestly, I kind of wanted to go back to sleep, but that was probably a bad idea. A nap right now would probably screw up the rest of my day.
“Whatever you need to do.” She grabbed a tissue and wiped her eyes and blew her nose.
“Do I look okay?” she asked.
“You look great,” I said, and I meant it. She looked gorgeous. I was so envious of her legs and her height and her smaller chest. Mine was just too much sometimes. They got in the way of everything. Plus, people stared, and that made everything uncomfortable.
She took a deep breath and gave me a shaky smile.
“Okay. I’m gonna go. Um, good luck to you, too,” she said. I wanted to give her another hug, but I thought that might be weird. Since I had literally just hugged her.
“Yeah, good luck! You’re going to be fine, I promise.”
“Do you?” she asked.
“I do.” It was an intense moment, much like our hug. We barely knew each other and yet we’d somehow fallen into a routine and an easy friendship. She smiled and leaned forward to give me a careless hug before she dashed out the door.
Oh.
COLLEGE WAS EXACTLY how I thought it would be and nothing like I thought it would be at the same time.
I didn’t know if I was allowed to bring snacks or water to class, and then realized that there was a guy in my Intro to Psychology class who was watching one of the Spiderman movies. I couldn’t really tell which one. He was too far away and I was actually trying to pay attention as my professor went over the syllabus and outlined what we were going to learn during the semester.