I had three classes back to back my first day, and by the time I got back to my room in the late afternoon, I really wanted a fucking nap. I was regretting not having one earlier.
Chase was back when I unlocked the door.
I was really glad to see her.
“How was your day?” I asked as she put a finger in her book and looked up with a smile that made me feel like I needed to sit down. I dropped my bag and flopped over on my bed. My brain was filled with so many things that I wished I could take some of them out and put them in a folder so they weren’t taking up so much space.
“It was okay, I think? A lot of it was a blur. I don’t know how I’m going to get everything done that I need to get done. I started making my schedule and had to stop. It was too much.” Her laptop was open at her desk and I could see there was a calendar up with different-colored blocks on it. I couldn’t read what they said.
“Wait, you’re planning out your semester now?”
She nodded, as if it was no big deal.
This girl was organized in a way I would never be. She was both terrifying and inspiring.
“I have to. If I don’t plan everything out to the minute ...” she trailed off and looked back down at her book. “I’m sorry, you probably don’t care.”
“No, I do care.” I probably cared too much. But we were friends and roommates. I was supposed to care. It was a wonder that we had been complete strangers and a computer had put us together and we were getting along so well. Things could have gone so wrong.
“I need to have a schedule. If I don’t, I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything. I need structure.”
“That makes sense. Is there anything I can do to help? Other than, like, leaving you alone?” We hadn’t really gotten into the real college experience, with finals and papers and late-night studying. I didn’t know how that was going to work for both of us. We were such different people. What was it going to be like when we got stressed?
I guess we’d figure it out.
“I mean, not yet. I already finished my homework for Wednesday.” My eyes nearly fell out of my head. She was hardcore.
“Shit, I hope you influence me. I always leave things until the last minute and then finish under the gun.” It was my thing. Somehow, things always seemed to get done, but the stress wasn’t super fun.
“Some people like pressure. Maybe you’re just one of those people.” Chase made my procrastination sound like a positive trait. Huh.
“Guess we’ll find out.” I sighed, and my stomach rumbled. It was still too early for dinner, but I could definitely have a snack.
Chase went back to her book and I didn’t want to talk to her as she was reading because that was really rude, in my opinion. Instead, I grabbed a bag of chips and put my earbuds in. I lay back on my pillow and closed my eyes and did some of my breathing exercises. I was shocked that I hadn’t had a panic attack today. Or yet, I guess. So far, so good. But it was going to happen sooner or later. I just hoped it wasn’t in public and I had a place to run away to until it passed.
Someone tapped my shoulder and I opened my eyes to find Chase standing over me. I pulled out my earbuds.
“You wanna watch something?”
“Yeah, sure,” I said. She turned on the TV and flipped through the channels.
“Oh, oh, oh! Stop!” I said, and she held her hands up, one holding the remote. “What? I love this show.”
“What is it?” she asked, sort of squinting at the screen and motioning for me to move over and give her some room. I did, sitting with my back against the wall, clutching one of my pillows.
“Are you telling me you’ve never seen Steven Universe?” How was that possible?
She shook her head.
“Oh my god, I feel so blessed right now. I get to introduce you to the best cartoon ever that will also give you so many emotions, you won’t even know what to do with them.” She looked skeptical.
“You will thank me, Chase.” I knew she would. She would love it. She just had to love it.
“What’s it about?”
“Look, I don’t want to explain it. I think we should just start from the beginning and you’ll see. I want you to go into it knowing nothing. That’s the best way.” Chase still seemed wary.
“Don’t you trust me?” I asked.
“Uh, sure?” I huffed.
“Fine. Don’t watch the best show in existence. That’s your loss.” I tried to take the remote from her to change the channel, but she held it out of my reach.
“That’s not fair, you have longer arms,” I said, pouting. She stuck her tongue out at me and I went for her belly. She flinched.
“Don’t you dare.”
“Oh, are you ticklish, Chase?” I asked, wiggling my fingers with menace.
“No,” she said, in a completely unconvincing tone.
“Hmmm,” I said, tapping my chin. “This could be useful information for later.”
Her eyes narrowed and I laughed.
“I’m going to put all your stuff on the highest shelf in the closet.” She got up and I grabbed her arm.
“I didn’t tickle you! Come on!” She grinned at me and my heart flipped-flopped like a goldfish that fell out of the bowl.
I let go of her arm as if it had burned me and sat back from her.
“Fine, I won’t put all of your stuff in the top shelf of the closet. But now you know what could happen if you make me mad ...” Chase said, trailing off.
“So the truth comes out,” I said. “You’re a menace.” A cute, cute menace.
“Only on days that end in y,” she said with a smirk.
“I’m doomed,” I said, throwing my hands up in the air.
“Only a little doomed.” We both laughed and then my phone buzzed with a text from my dad asking how my first day had gone. I replied with an excessive amount of emojis, but he loved them. We could have entire conversations without actually typing words.
“How’s your dad?” she asked, as if she’d read my mind.
“I think he’s going okay. I mean, he’s got friends and he goes out, but we’re best friends, you know? I worry about him being alone.” He hadn’t had a girlfriend in ages, but I was kind of hoping now that he wasn’t sticking his nose into my business, he’d get back on the horse, or however that expression went.
“How are your parents?”
She shrugged one shoulder.
“I don’t really know. I think they’re lying to me to be supportive.” I laughed. My dad would never do that, but I wish he did.
“Sorry. I was just thinking how not like that my dad is. Parents are weird sometimes.” She nodded.
My stomach growled again.
“Do you wanna go have dinner?” she asked, and I nodded. I turned off the TV, and vowed to tackle Steven with Chase on another day.
As we were leaving our room, we happened to bump into Stella and Kyle.
“Hey, do you want to come with us to dinner? Then we won’t feel like losers if there are four of us at a table,” Stella said, and I still couldn’t get over how perfect her hair was. It didn’t seem possible.
“This isn’t high school,” Kyle said, bringing Stella’s hand to her mouth and kissing the back of it.
“Thank god,” I said with a laugh. I had been more than happy to leave high school behind.
“Seriously,” Kyle said.
There was a tiny awkward moment, but it passed as we all walked down the hall toward the elevator.
“Stairs are evil,” Kyle said. I’d noticed that she walked with a limp, but didn’t to be an asshole and ask about it. I figured she’d tell me if she felt like it and otherwise, none of my business.
“I’ll fight the evil stairs for you, baby,” Stella said, kissing her on the cheek as we waited for the elevator.
“Stab them, girlfriend,” Kyle said, and I looked away and met eyes with Chase, whose face was a little red. Maybe she was uncomfortable with Kyle and Stella? That didn’t really make sense because
she and Stella had two classes together, so they’d seen each other today. Huh.
Hadn’t read that situation well. I’d have to talk to her about it later, because we couldn’t really talk about it with Kyle and Stella standing right there. I hoped Chase wasn’t homophobic. That would be a bummer. Still, I had to remind myself constantly that we were still practically strangers.
The four of us walked across the street to the dining commons. I had only been here a few times because I’d felt weird about sitting at the long tables alone and feeling like everyone was staring at me. It felt better being in a group.
We grabbed our trays and moved along the line. I passed by the chicken and went for spaghetti, which was always a pretty sure bet no matter where you ate.
We also nabbed salads at the salad bar and then claimed the end of one of the long tables. Other groups were sitting and chatting and eating. We’d arrived at peak dinner hour.
“I can’t believe the first day is over,” Kyle said. “I thought I was going to break my neck rushing between classes. Or rushing as much as I can.” Stella rubbed her arm and they shared one of those looks that didn’t need words. They were so connected as a couple. It almost made me jealous.
I hadn’t really dated a whole lot. I’d gone out with boys and they were fine, but I guess I just hadn’t found the right one yet. Fortunately, I was diving into an entire pool of dating possibilities. There were literally guys everywhere. You couldn’t move because you’d trip over one. Surely on this campus I could find one to hang out with that might be cool enough to date?
“Did you already start the English reading?” Stella asked Chase, and that seemed to relax her. Chase was always most relaxed when she was talking about books, reading books, or standing near books. Maybe we should do a bookstore trip this weekend. I could use some new pleasure reading.
Chase nodded and they started jabbering away. Kyle looked at me.
“So, how is my fellow Undeclared doing?” she asked.
I tipped my hand from left to right.
“I mean, I guess it was fine? I only have two classes tomorrow, so that’s good. I don’t feel like I really got the full experience, because they just went through the syllabus and assignments and everything. But it’s going to be a lot of work and I’m already dreading it.” She laughed.
“I know how that is. I knew college was going to be different from high school, but the fact that you won’t get a detention if you don’t turn your homework in is still so weird to me. Like, if I don’t show up for class, they aren’t going to call my parents.” True. I could sleep through all of my classes and Dad would never know. I mean, he’d know when I failed, but no one was going to call him and rat me out.
I looked around and twirled some more spaghetti onto my fork.
“Are you going to get into any clubs or anything?” I remembered seeing the tables out on the mall on the first weekend we moved in, but I was still too overwhelmed to begin to think about joining anything.
“Um, we’re pretty sure we’re going to join the campus LGBTQ+ organization, but I’m not sure about anything else yet. I guess there’s clubs for literally everything, but I don’t want to spend all my time at club meetings, you know? I want to get the whole experience.” I nodded because I knew exactly what she meant.
I was still working on adjusting to the fact that I was living with a virtual stranger and eating food that my dad hadn’t cooked and going to classes that weren’t mandatory. It was all too much to think about adding extras.
I kept looking at Chase as she talked to Stella and I had to remind myself not to stare. It was hard. She was just so pretty. I was totally jealous of her hair and her height and a lot of her wardrobe, which wouldn’t fit or look good on me. She was just one of those girls that all the other girls wanted to be. At least I thought sought so.
At one point, Chase looked over at me and smiled just a little bit. I felt the answering smile on my face and it was like everything was going to be okay.
I hoped.
Three
Chase
“Are you uncomfortable with Kyle and Stella?” Cordelia asked me when we got back from dinner.
“No, why?” I wasn’t really sure what she was talking about. Stella and I had a lot of classes together and I was seriously hoping that we could become friends since we were going to see each other a lot over the next few years. I had hoped I’d be able to find a friend in college that was in my same major and it was looking like that might happen.
“Oh, you just seemed a little weird when they were holding hands in the elevator.” I looked at Cordelia. I hadn’t been aware of anything. Had I given off something?
“Did I?” I was starting to panic. I didn’t want Stella to think I didn’t like her because she had a girlfriend.
“Maybe I just saw something that I misinterpreted. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry.” She must have seen the anxiety on my face. I wasn’t real good at hiding it. At all.
“Okay ...” I trailed off. “Because I don’t care. If she has a girlfriend or whatever. It’s fine. I mean, more than fine because they really seem like they’re in love.” I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel something when I looked at Kyle and Stella, but that something wasn’t disgust or shame. I thought they were lucky to have found one another. I wanted something like that. With a boy, of course.
“Yeah, they do,” she said with what sounded like a wistful sigh. “I hope I can find a boyfriend here. I mean, there’s like thousands of dudes on campus.”
I nodded.
“Exactly. If you can’t find a guy here, where are you gonna find one?” I said.
“We should make a plan to find boyfriends by the end of the year,” Cordelia said, holding her hand out. “I’m always more motivated if I’m competing with someone.”
Oh. That didn’t really seem like something we should be competing at, but what did it matter?
“Sure.” I shook her hand and let go quickly. I was trying not to touch her too much.
“Cool. We’ll rock our studies and find boyfriends. We’ve got this.” I pretended that I was totally on board with this plan, but the idea of actually putting myself out there to find a boyfriend made my stomach knot up. Ugh. My limited dating experience was going to bite me in the ass. I bet Cordelia had a lot more experience. She was so cute and vivacious, I couldn’t imagine that she’d had a hard time in high school with guys. Plus, the red hair didn’t hurt either.
“Boyfriends for everyone! Well, everyone who wants one,” Cordelia said, punching her fists in the air.
“Yay!” I was trying to match her enthusiasm.
“You’re so cute sometimes,” she said, and the way she said it made my stomach do a little something. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. I hoped I wasn’t blushing.
“Hey, so since you finished your homework already, do you want to watch Steven Universe? I have all the episodes on my laptop so we can start from the beginning. You really have to start at the beginning with this show,” she said. Her curls bounced with her excitement. I honestly had no idea why this show was such a big deal, but if she loved it, I was sure I could learn to like it. Her enthusiasm was contagious.
“Uh, sure?” I said, and she made a little squeak of glee.
APPARENTLY, TO FULLY get the entire “experience,” we had to turn all the lights off, get under a cozy blanket, and have popcorn. Even though we’d just had dinner. I was trying to think of it as weird salty dessert.
She set up her laptop on her desk, and we had to sit side-by-side on her bed, and since it was so small, we were completely squished against one another. It wasn’t a big deal.
I was trying to pretend it wasn’t a big deal.
Why was it a big deal?
My right side was touching hers and that was it. Why was my heart racing and my skin prickling? Why was I noticing how warm her skin was? College was really doing a number on my anxiety.
“Are you ready?” Cordelia said as she queue
d up the first episode. It was a bright cartoon and it didn’t seem like my kind of thing, but I was going to give it a shot.
“Yup,” I said, reaching into the popcorn bowl. It gave me something to do with my hands.
Cordelia made a little squeaking noise and started to play the show. I really wasn’t sure about this. The show started with a cute and catchy opening song. I was going to give it the benefit of the doubt.
“Wait, what’s that in his belly button?” I asked. The boy with the black curly hair (who I was pretty sure was Steven) had a red stone in his belly button. Weird.
“Shhhh,” Cordelia said, squeezing my arm. “Just watch. All will be revealed in time.”
“Okay,” I said with a sigh.
SEVERAL HOURS LATER, I was hooked.
“I can’t believe I’m crying over this,” I said, as Cordelia handed me a tissue.
“Yeah, it kind of sneaks up on you. That’s how they get you,” Cordelia said, but she was dabbing her own eyes.
“Seriously, what the fuck?” I said, sniffling and blowing my nose.
Cordelia laughed and I realized I was leaning on her. We’d gotten closer as the show played and we were now practically cuddling, but she didn’t seem uncomfortable.
“I know. But it’s the greatest.” I nodded and tossed my tissue in the empty popcorn bowl.
“Wow, it’s late,” I said, looking at my phone. I should definitely get to bed ASAP. I knew Cordelia liked to stay up late, but then she slept late in the mornings so I didn’t see the point.
“Yeah, it is.” I turned to look at her and I realized how close her face was to mine. Her freckles were like little paint splatters all over her skin. I probably couldn’t count them all.
She blinked at me a few times and I felt my face get hot for some reason.
“I should take a shower,” I said, jumping up from the bed and knocking the popcorn bowl on the floor.