“I guess I can do that. But this is a lot of pressure.” I stroked her arm to comfort her because it seemed like the thing to do. She looked down at my hand on her arm, so I stopped doing it.
“Ten books,” she said under her breath as she scanned the shelves. “This one,” she said, pointing to a young adult book. I took a picture of the spine with my phone. It was one I had definitely seen on her shelves. She searched and came up with eight more books that I took pictures of. I was going to read every single one of them.
“I’m stuck on the last one, because there are two,” she said with a whine in her voice.
“So make it eleven books. Ten was an arbitrary number.” I saw her shoulders relax and she picked the last two books.
“And this is just books that are out. There are a bunch that I know I’m going to love that haven’t come out yet.” My head was spinning. She really was good at this.
“So, tell me what you want in a book.” She snapped her attention back to me.
“Oh, I don’t know. I think I’m feeling like I want to read something sweet and fun. Not really dark and serious.” Chase thought about that. I could see the wheels turning in her head.
She walked away and I followed her. I waited as she muttered under her breath until she pulled a book off one of the young adult shelves.
“This one.” It had a cute cover illustration and I flipped to the back to read the cover copy. It was about three best friends in their first year of college trying to figure out what they wanted to do and find love at the same time. Sounded good to me. Plus, one of the girls was fat, so that was nice to see too.
“Cool,” I said, looking up at her.
“It’s really good. It’ll make you feel like you’re eating cotton candy and blowing bubbles at the same time.” That made me chuckle and I knew exactly what she meant. I hugged the book to my chest. I hoped it was everything that I hoped it would be. Especially for the fat character. She had to get a happy ending. A really good one.
“Now I have to find one for you ...” I said, trailing off and looking around. The shelves were so numerous that staring at them made me more anxious. I needed to just ... pick something. Not think about it too much.
I looked at Chase and then started wandering around the store. No particular destination. I just walked where my feet led me, which was to a display of new books near the front.
I walked around the table and looked at the covers.
“This one,” I said, picking up one that looked good. I didn’t even read the back cover. I just handed it to her.
“You’re judging this book by its cover,” she said, taking it from me. I nodded.
“Yup. If people didn’t judge books by their covers, no one would put any effort into cover design. It’s a lie that people don’t judge covers. And I think we should be allowed to sometimes. Like right now.” I tapped her book.
“Come on, let’s pay and then get a giant pretzel with tons of salt on it.” Chase just shook her head at me.
“You are an interesting person, Cordelia Scott.” That felt like the best compliment I’d ever received. I beamed at her.
“Thank you.”
Five
Chase
To my great surprise, the book that Cordelia picked out for me was actually amazing. No wonder, since it was a bestseller. I started it when we got back and stayed up a bit too late reading and was exhausted the entire next day, but I didn’t even mind. It had been a while since I’d been so captivated by a book. And she’d just grabbed one that had a cover she liked. It went against almost everything I believed in when it came to books.
She seemed to be engrossed in hers as well. It was a book I’d read over the summer and had re-read about four times since. It was an interesting choice, but it was one that had comforted me a lot when I’d been nervous about school. Of the three girls, two of them actually end up together, and the third hooks up with a guy she initially hated. It had all sorts of good tropes and fluffiness in it and I figured Cordelia would dig that, and apparently she did.
“I hate you,” she croaked at me two days later when I tried to wake her up. I figured it was just her usual morning grumpiness.
“Any particular reason?” I asked as I pulled out the coffee pot.
“I was up so freaking late. I had to finish.” She pointed to the book that was at the foot of her bed. I had fallen asleep and she must have stayed up reading with her phone as a light.
“Did you finish?” I asked as she threw some breakfast sandwiches into the microwave. I liked having breakfast in the room with her instead of going to the dining commons. Having those early moments be just the two of us was the best way to start my day. Plus, I didn’t have to worry about other people seeing my hair all over the place.
“Yeah, I had to. I had no choice. I can’t believe Pearl and Ana ended up together! I didn’t see that coming, but it was so sweet and I’m so happy they’re happy. Yes, I know they’re not real people.” She wiped her hands under her eyes and blew her curls out of her face.
“I know. It was unexpected, but then it made total sense. They’re perfect for each other,” I said. “You might want to have a second cup.” She nodded and groaned.
“I don’t want to go to classsssss.” I didn’t know what to tell her. It was way too early in the semester to skip class, even though staying up late reading was a completely valid excuse.
“You’re just gonna have to suck it up, buttercup. At least it’s Friday.” She nodded and poured creamer into her coffee.
“I wish I didn’t care about school so I could just ditch. But I’m scared of not going to class. Even though a lot of my classes are huge and the professors don’t even know my name. Like, they’re not even going to know. Still. I’m scared that they’ll assign something that I’ll miss and then I will fail and then my dad will give me the disappointed face and shake his head and make noises about how I should have gone to class and not skipped.” She took a breath and sipped her coffee. Sometimes when Cordelia got agitated, she rambled without even taking a breath. I’d learned a lot about her in such a short period.
“Think of it this way: you’ll get through it today and then wonder why you made such a big deal of it in the first place.” She made a face at me and I laughed.
“No, it’s fine. I just need some more coffee. And maybe a nap this afternoon.” A nap sounded amazing, but I was always too anxious for naps. I usually just ended up laying there and thinking about too many other things until I gave up and just did some more homework.
I bustled around getting ready and eating my breakfast sandwich with one hand.
“Shit,” Cordelia said, and I turned around to find her paler than I’d ever seen her, sitting on the floor with her eyes wide. She put one hand on her chest and closed her eyes.
“What’s wrong?” She just shook her head and I dove to the floor. She was breathing in and out way too fast.
“What’s happening, Cordelia?” I asked, trying not to flip out. Was she having some sort of medical emergency? Did I need to call for an ambulance? What was happening?
“Cordelia?” She gasped another breath and her eyes flew open.
“I’m having,” gasp, “a panic,” gasp, “attack.”
Fuck. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do to help her or make it better and I’d never felt more helpless in my entire life. I reached out and grabbed her hand and started massaging the back of her knuckles.
I felt like I was going to cry because I was scared and I wanted to help her and didn’t know how. So I just sat next to her and watched her breathing and held her hand.
After about ten minutes, she started to breathe more normally and her eyes opened. She turned to focus on me and her face went from scary pale to red with a blush.
“I’m sorry,” she said, looking down at our entwined hands.
“What are you sorry about?” I asked, still running my thumb across the back of her knuckles. It felt like more than comfor
ting her.
“For that. I’m usually better about hiding them, but that one just snuck up on me. I’m sorry if I scared you.” I wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her tight and tell her that she had nothing to apologize for, but I didn’t want to overwhelm her.
“Don’t ever apologize for something like that, especially not to me. Are you okay? Do you need me to get you anything?” She shook her head and slowly got to her feet.
“No, I’m fine. They only last a few minutes. It’s probably the combination of not sleeping, the caffeine and just ... thinking too much. Sometimes I know when they’re coming and I can head them off, but this one just sort of tackled me. Phew.” She had a sheen of sweat on her forehead and even though she said she was fine, I didn’t really believe it.
“Maybe you should take today off. Just in case.” Cordelia shook her head.
“No, I don’t want to. I can’t let that crap stop me. Now I’m mad and I’m even more determined to get through today. Fucking panic attacks.” She shook her hands out and stretched her neck.
“Seriously, I’m okay. I’ve had them for years. I have pills I can take that can sometimes stop them if I take them enough in advance. And sometimes they just fucking happen and I have to stop and deal with them. I’m fine, Chase, I swear.” She put her hands on my shoulders and now she was the one comforting me.
“I’ve never seen someone have a panic attack before. Is there anything I can do to make it better?” Cordelia pulled some clothes out of her dresser and I turned around so she could change.
“Not really. Sometimes having something to hold onto helps ground me. And I have to try hard not to breathe too fast because then I can faint.” I almost turned around and gave her a look because fainting? That didn’t sound good.
“I’ve had them for years. It’s just a thing I deal with. I’ve been to therapy and stuff and I have meds. I’m doing all I can do. Just a quirk in my system. They’re worse when I’m under stress or in a new environment, like college.” That made sense.
“Do you have them a lot?” I took a risk and turned around and she was fully dressed in a pair of cute jeans and a flowy black top with bright flowers on it. She looked amazing, but she always did.
“Um, it depends? Like, I’ve had them more often since I got here, just because of the high stress and so forth. And then there are times when I can go weeks or months without having one, and then sometimes I get them several times a week. I never really know.”
I didn’t really know what else to say to that, so I said, “That sucks.”
She laughed a little and put on her backpack.
“Yeah, they do. And thank you. For not like, flipping out. It was nice to have something to hold onto.” She touched my shoulder and I just leaned forward and gave her a hug. It felt like the thing I needed to do.
I held her close and stroked her hair.
“I was scared. I was really scared.” Her fingers dug into my back.
“I know. But you did it anyway, and that’s what matters.” She pulled back and we stared at each other for a second.
So quickly, before I even knew it was happening, I leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. It wasn’t a conscious decision. It was just a thing I wanted to do, and I did it.
She blinked at me and then smiled.
“I’ll see you later?” She had an earlier class than I did on Friday, but I still was always the first one up and I got a few chores done before I walked down.
“Yeah,” I said, and swallowed past a lump in my throat. She slid by me and left the room and I felt like my legs were going to give out on me. I somehow made it over to my bed and collapsed on it.
This had been ... some morning.
CORDELIA
So, the panic attack part wasn’t great, but after had been pretty great. Having Chase there to hold my hand was honestly the only thing that helped bring me back from that particular spiral. I was completely and totally drained after the attack, and I didn’t want to do anything but take a nap, but I had said I was going to class, so that was what I was going to do. Plus, it was Friday. I could sleep in tomorrow.
The rest of the day was even more draining than I thought it would be. I fell asleep three times, which wasn’t good. My notes were a complete fucking mess. My brain was like a sieve, all the stuff I tried to put in it leaking out everywhere. Oh, well. It was just one day.
And when I wasn’t trying to stay awake and present, the rest of my brain was thinking about how Chase had kissed me. I mean, she had kissed me on the cheek. Like friends did. It wasn’t earth shattering.
So why did it feel like it was?
Friends did things like that all the time. I mean, I’d never done anything like that with friends before, but I knew other people did. It was an intense morning. It was a friendship kiss. A kiss of comfort. That had to be it. Chase wasn’t ... I mean, she didn’t ...
It wasn’t like that. I mean, she was looking for a boyfriend. I was reading way too much into it. My brain had a tendency to do that. It spun in five different directions at once and most of them were usually wrong. This was definitely a dead end.
Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling I’d had when her lips had pressed against my skin. I’d kissed boys, but it had never felt like that. Whenever I’d kissed a boy, it felt like ... I was pressing my mouth parts against his mouth parts. There was real spark or need or want. Just ... two mouths smushing against each other.
With Chase it was something else, and I had no idea how to define what that something else was.
That “something else” sat in my stomach and swirled in my skull for the rest of the day, and even when I tried to take a nap before Chase came back to our room, I couldn’t sleep even though I was exhausted.
I just couldn’t stop thinking about it, so when Chase walked through the door, I felt my face heat. If I had been smarter, I would have pretended I was asleep when I’d heard her key. Of course I didn’t, and she walked in to find me all red-faced.
“Hey, are you doing okay? I was worried about you today.” She set her bag down and I thought she was going to rush over to me and put her hand on my forehead or something. As if I had a fever instead of a panic attack.
“I’m fine. Just tired. It takes a lot out of me. Some Friday night.” She sat on her bed, but the worry was still stamped on her forehead.
“Do you want to take a nap? I can leave if you need me to.” Sweet. Chase was so sweet sometimes it was painful. It hit me right in the chest and sometimes it made me want to cry. She was too much sometimes. Too good, too nice to me. Too good of a roommate for me, that was for sure.
“No, you don’t have to do that. I’m not going to kick you out of your room, Chase. Do whatever you want to do. Maybe see if Ti wants to do something?” I couldn’t believe the words came out of my mouth, but I said them and instantly wanted to take them back. Reel them in and destroy them.
“I don’t want to leave you all alone. And I’m still pretty sure he just wants to be friends and isn’t interested in me that way.” I wanted to roll my eyes. Of course he was interested in her, if he liked girls that way. She was gorgeous and sweet and funny, once you got her to open up. Chase was also smart as fuck. She was the ideal girl in every way.
“It’s fine. Go, have fun.” I wanted her to have fun, even if it wasn’t with me. I could handle my jealousy. I didn’t own her. She was just my roommate. Not even my best friend, although, she felt like she had become my best friend in just a few short weeks. Things went fast in college.
“But I’d rather have fun with you,” she said, giving me a little smile that made me feel like I was going to burst into a million pieces. She was just so sweet.
“Okay, but my idea of fun involves eating a lot of popcorn and watching a fuckton of Steven Universe. I’m all about the self-care tonight.” Self-care was something that I was trying to be better at. I couldn’t just keep pushing sometimes and I needed to slow down and stand still and just breathe for a moment. It was
okay, and I needed it.
“That sounds great,” she said and came to sit on my bed next to me. I waited, holding my breath as she brushed some of my curls back.
“I’m glad you’re okay.”
“I’m okay,” I said.
THE DAY HAD STARTED off like complete shit, but ended perfectly. Chase and I sat together and ate too much popcorn and ate marshmallow fluff out of the jar and laughed and cried about Steven and his little alien family.
“I’m so glad you made me watch this,” Chase said with a happy sigh. She leaned her cheek on my shoulder and I looked over at her. I was happy she liked it. I would have been pretty sad if she hadn’t.
I ran my fingers through her hair and she looked up at me.
Energy buzzed between us and before I could guess or question anything, I leaned over and kissed her on the mouth.
I don’t know what made me do it. I just wanted to, so I did. Shock jolted through her, but she didn’t pull away. I didn’t even know what the fuck I was doing, or what was happening, but I was kissing Chase and after a few seconds of surprise, she was kissing me back.
Chase was kissing me back.
Chase.
Was.
Kissing.
Me.
Back.
Six
Chase
I was kissing Cordelia? Like, on the lips? I didn’t know why or how it was happening, but it was happening and it was ...
I didn’t have words for what kissing Cordelia was. Words hadn’t been invented to explain the way her mouth felt against mine. She tasted like salt from the popcorn and something sweet. I trembled, and my breath stuttered in my lungs. I pulled myself closer to her, because nothing had ever felt as good as this. Kissing Cordelia was better than anything else.
I gasped in a breath and felt her tongue dart into my mouth. I felt a moan escape from the back of my throat and I put my hand on the back of her neck to pull her closer. I wanted her tongue in my mouth. I wanted my tongue in her mouth. I wanted her teeth on my bottom lip. I wanted to be completely overwhelmed by her. I was never going to recover from this kiss and I didn’t want it to end.