“Seriously. I would try and compete with them in the romance department, but I would lose every time.” I looked at Chase and she was smiling, but there was something sad in her eyes. I knew the feeling. Hearing about all these happy couples was nice, but it also made jealousy snarl in my stomach. The two of us needed to find boyfriends to do things like that for us ASAP.
Stella asked if it was okay that we watched a movie in the room and Elise said it was fine, and put on a pair of giant headphones and started bopping her head to whatever music she had going and went back to doing her homework.
“What do you want to watch?” she asked us. I had no idea and didn’t want to rock the boat, so I said I didn’t care and Chase agreed.
“Okay, I’ll scan through the movies I’ve got and if anyone sees something they want, just yell and we’ll take a vote.” She grabbed the remote and started flipping through. Honestly, I didn’t really care. I was just happy to be spending time with people that I liked. Chase was right beside me and her arm kept brushing mine. I jolted a little bit every time she did it. I couldn’t figure out why. I swear, the other night when we watched Steven Universe I could barely concentrate because she was right there next to me. And that was my favorite show. Looked like I was going to be distracted again.
In the end, Kyle was the decider that we were watching an all-lady remake of an older movie and I was on board with it. Elise softly hummed to herself and Stella started the movie.
“Anyone want popcorn?” she asked, and even though we’d just had pizza, I figured why not? She pulled out two bags of movie theater butter and I smiled at Chase.
“That’s the best kind,” she said and the way she smiled at me made my skin feel warm and prickly.
“Exactly,” Stella said as she put one of the bags in the microwave and Kyle pulled out two big bowls. Stella had everything. It was impressive. She even had a little hot plate that was definitely not allowed in the dorm.
“I don’t even care,” she said, pushing it further under the bed. “Sometimes I want to cook and those rules aren’t going to stop me.”
“You tell ‘em,” Kyle said, nodding.
The movie started and Stella passed me and Chase our own bowl of popcorn. I situated it on my lap and we both munched from it. Our hands kept colliding in the bowl and I didn’t know why it was distracting me from watching. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Kyle and Stella snuggling. Kyle ran her fingers through Stella’s hair and sighed happily. It hurt to look at them.
I looked back at the movie.
Four
Chase
It happened again. Sitting next to Cordelia made me feel all kinds of confusing things. Maybe it was just because I was seeing Kyle and Stella on the bed. They weren’t doing anything odd, just cuddling and being cute. It was sweet and it was adorable and it made me feel almost ... angry? Was that the emotion that was pacing through my brain? I didn’t know. I didn’t know what was happening to me lately. And it wasn’t just because I was scared about college.
Something else was happening to me, and I didn’t know what it was or how to get a handle on it. Whatever it was just kept slipping through my hands and darting just out of my reach.
I didn’t really watch the movie. I pretended and laughed when everyone else did, but I spent most of the time silently flipping out. I guess I wasn’t doing a good job of hiding it because at one point, Cordelia tapped me on the arm and asked me if I was okay.
“Yeah, just tired,” I whispered back. That was a valid excuse in college. She rubbed my arm a little and the strange feelings just started spinning harder. I wanted to go back to our room. I wanted to get away from it all. There wasn’t really a way to do that without just bolting and leaving them with questions, so I sat. I stayed in the chair and mechanically ate popcorn and tried to figure out what the hell was going on.
The movie finally finished and Stella yawned. It wasn’t super late, but we were all fried from studying earlier.
“Thanks for letting us come over,” Cordelia said, handing the popcorn bowl back.
“Seriously, anytime. For any reason. We’re always here if you need us,” Stella said, and Kyle nodded.
“Me, too!” Elise said, raising her hand. She’d finished her homework and had been reading a non-school book while simultaneously watching the movie. I had no idea how she was doing that, but her level of focus was impressive.
“Thanks, it’s really nice to find a few kindred spirits,” Cordelia said and looked at me. She knew the Green Gables reference wouldn’t be lost on me. I gave her a smile even though it hurt my face.
“Thanks again,” I said, and we waved goodnight to the three of them before going back to our room.
“I’m going to shower,” I said the second we got back. I must have been giving off a vibe because Cordelia didn’t say she was going to take one as well. She just nodded and pulled a book out of her backpack and put some headphones on.
Now I was worried that she was upset with me. I didn’t know why she would be, but the idea of her being mad at me made me feel sick inside. I couldn’t handle that.
Once again, I took a shower with too many things to ponder. I wished I could crack open my brain and spill some of it out. There was too much.
I changed quickly when I went back to my room, and grabbed my phone.
“I’m going to call my parents,” I said, and hoped she thought that I just didn’t want to disturb her by leaving the room to have my conversation. That was the downside of having a roommate who was just a few feet away most of the time. You could never talk about her with her in the room.
She just sort of nodded and kept her eyes on her book. I didn’t know her well enough to know if this meant she was mad at me, but I was going to find out when I got back. As soon as I figured out what was going on in my head.
“Hey, Mom,” I said and almost cried in relief. I’d talked to both my parents since I’d come to school, but for the first time I thought I might be homesick. I wished I could fold myself into her lap and have her run her fingers through my hair and tell me that any problem I had, she would help me solve. No matter what. I even missed Kate.
“Hey, kiddo! How’s school?” I almost broke down, but was able to hold it together as I leaned against the wall.
“It’s good,” I said, trying to sound as upbeat as I could.
“What’s wrong?” Well, guess I didn’t do a good job of masking my emotions.
“I don’t know,” I said, slamming my palm against the wall. Good thing I didn’t do it too hard or I might have hurt my hand.
“Talk to me,” she said, and I did. I couldn’t find shape or weight in anything that was happening, but I tried to give her an idea as best I could.
“Do you think it’s just because you’re in a new place? You know it takes you a while to settle in with your routine and getting comfortable.” That was true, but this felt like so much more than that.
“Is it that you’re not used to sharing a room? You and Kate never had to.” Maybe that was it. Maybe I was just adjusting to sharing a room with a stranger. That could be it.
“My advice would be to talk to your roommate. Tell her that it takes you a while to adjust. She sounds like a lovely girl and it makes me feel good as a mother that you’re making friends.” I didn’t make friends easily most of the time, so I knew that had been one of her main concerns. And then Cordelia had showed up. Pretty, messy Cordelia.
“I just don’t know,” I said again. It was the truth. I had never felt this way before and it scared me.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to have all the answers all the time, love. I know you don’t like that, and it makes you feel uncomfortable, but you might just have to live with it a little bit. Give it another week. See how you feel. How are your classes?” I transitioned to telling her about my professors and the other students and I even mentioned my study date with Kyle and Stella. I didn’t mention they were a couple, and I didn’t know why I did that either. My p
arents weren’t against gay people, I knew that for sure. Mom wouldn’t have batted an eyelash or made a comment about them both being girls. And still, I didn’t tell her.
“Well, look at you, my social girl! I’m so proud of you, Chase. You know that right?” I felt like I was going to cry again, and asked if I could talk to my dad for a little while. We chatted mostly about how my classes were going and Kate yelled hello and said that she’d stolen one of the sweaters I’d left behind in my closet, and I told her there was a reason I’d left it behind but that it still wasn’t hers to take. I finally hung up and felt a little bit of the chaos in my brain slow its mad swirl.
“Hey,” I said when I came back into the room. Cordelia looked up and gave me a weak smile before going back to her book.
“How were your parents?” she asked, while she continued reading. Was she trying to ignore me, but she didn’t want to seem rude?
“Are you okay?” I asked. I wasn’t normally that blunt, but I needed to know.
“Yeah, why? You just seemed like you had a lot on your mind and I didn’t want to add to that, so I was giving you space. Was that not what you wanted?” She looked so perplexed that I instantly felt horrible for thinking she was mad at me.
“No, I thought you were mad at me or something. I’m sorry.” She sprung to her feet and came over to my bed and sat down next to me.
“No, I’m sorry. I should have asked what you needed. I just ... I didn’t know what to do.” That was fair. I hadn’t known what to do either.
“It’s okay,” I said, and she put her arms around me for a hug. My heart fluttered and I hugged her back. Her hair was in my face and her body was warm up against me.
“Your hair smells really good,” she said, her voice soft.
“Thanks. So does yours.” It did. I loved her curl crème. My fingers twirled a few of her curls lightly. She held me and we just breathed together.
I knew I needed to pull back, but I didn’t want to let go. Cordelia sighed and settled even closer to me. I wasn’t letting go.
Her heart pounded against mine and I felt every single place where our bodies met. My skin started to feel hot and tight.
I finally pulled back. Cordelia’s cheeks were red and flushed. She looked deep into my eyes. Hers were a shade between green and blue and they shifted based on the lighting. I could watch them for hours. Cordelia was just so ... beautiful. Every day she seemed to get prettier. I just loved the way her body curved and how her hair was all over the place and the way her cheeks dimpled just a little when she smiled.
We sat that way, our eyes locked together until she looked away with another blush.
“We should probably go to bed,” she said, and she didn’t look at me again as she got under her comforter. I picked up the book that I’d been reading to her from the edge of my desk. My lungs were shaky as I tried to remember how to breathe.
I looked at the words on the page and shoved all that to the side and focused on just reading. Reading the words to Cordelia. Because I didn’t have the answers and reading was always where I felt safest. Even if it was reading to the person who was the source of all my questions.
IT WASN’T UNTIL A WEEK later that I settled on a potential boyfriend candidate. His name was Titan, which wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t his fault that his parents decided to name him that. He went by Ti, so that was okay. He was a sophomore in my bio class and sat a few seats away. We’d been put in a group together for a discussion and he’d been funny and sweet. I couldn’t tell if he was flirting with me or being nice, which was part of my issues finding a boyfriend in the first place.
Now every day he said hello to me and had started sitting closer, so I thought that was a good sign. When class ended the next Wednesday, I packed up slowly and watched him out of the corner of my eye.
He was packing up slowly too, and scrolling through his phone. He was cute, I knew. I mean, anyone would think he was cute. He had dark hair and brown eyes and a nice smile. What else was there?
I gathered up my courage in handfuls and smiled at him.
“Are you done for the day?” I asked as we both stood up. He was just a few inches shorter than me.
“Yeah, you?” he asked, adjusting the strap of his bag.
“Yup,” I said and then didn’t know where else to go from there.
“Do you maybe wanna grab some coffee or something?” he asked, raking some of his hair out of his eyes. It was kind of curly, which was nice.
“Sure,” I said, surprising myself. Wow, this was going really well for me. Usually I couldn’t talk very well around guys, but I was doing okay so far.
He gave me a smile and I told myself again that he was cute and nice and that was what was important in attraction.
Right?
CORDELIA
“How was your day?” I asked when I came back from a late study session that night. I’d caught dinner with Bree and Mariella, so all I wanted to do was crash and maybe watch a movie or something.
“Good,” she said, looking up from some homework. Always working, that Chase. Always. She was a professor’s dream. I knew already that she was going to beat me in the GPA department and that was fine. She was smart and she worked hard. She deserved every accolade that came her way.
“I had coffee with a guy,” she said as I dropped my backpack. I felt like my stomach dropped too. I had to fight to put a smile on my face.
“Ohhhhh, give me details.” I sat on my bed and pretended I was excited for her. I was. I guess I was just jealous that she had found someone before I did. To be fair, I hadn’t really been trying. Atticus was a friend, plus, he already had a girlfriend and he’d gushed and gushed about how wonderful she was. I had to get my head in the game if I wanted to find someone. Chase was putting me to shame.
Chase told me about Ti and how he’d opened the door for her and paid for her coffee and muffin and had asked her about her major and reading and so forth. He sounded like a great guy. His major was environmental science and he wanted to save the world. That was pretty admirable, I thought.
Everything about him sounded great, but there was something that rubbed me the wrong way. I pushed that aside and gave her my support because she deserved it and I knew how hard it was for her to approach new people and talk to them. Especially a guy.
“You can invite him over to study if you want. I’d like to meet him,” I said, but I felt like I was chewing glass shards when I said it.
“I don’t know if he even likes me like that. I don’t know.” She shook her head and closed her books.
“Do you want to do something?” I blurted out. I wanted to stop talking about the guy.
“Sure, what?” I couldn’t help but smile. She said yes before she even knew what I had in mind. I liked that. Now I had to come up with something good. I had a car, so we could go off campus if we wanted to. The only problem was our school was in such an isolated area, that there wasn’t much to drive to.
I flipped through the potential things we could do on a Wednesday evening that didn’t involve alcohol or doing something that would lead to one or both of us to end up in jail. Conundrum. I glanced around the room for inspiration and then saw the wall of books that Chase had.
“Come on,” I said, getting up and slipping into my sneakers.
“Where are we going?” she asked, but she didn’t hesitate to get her shoes on or grab her coat. It was still fairly warm out during the day, but the fall bite set in when the sun went down and before we knew it the snow would be flying. I wasn’t looking forward to slogging to class through the snow. Hopefully they cleaned the sidewalks well.
“You’ll see,” I said, winging my keys around on my finger. This was going to be good.
TEN MINUTES LATER, we were getting out of the car at the closest mall.
“The mall?” Chase said, looking at the building and wrinkling her nose. “I mean, it’s fine. I just don’t really like shopping that much.” I knew that, which was why I told her to trust me
.
I steered her through the doors and past the food court, down the right side of the mall.
“There,” I said, pointing to the bookstore. The way her eyes lit up made me feel like I was going to burst. Making her happy was just the greatest.
“Oh,” she said and then she was the one leading me toward the store.
“I shouldn’t be buying books,” she said as she plowed through the entrance.
“How about I pick a book for you and you pick one for me?” I liked the idea of making a game out of this.
Chase looked back at me and grinned.
“Okay. You’re on.” She dashed away from me and I burst out laughing before going for the opposite direction.
I knew where she was going to go, but I wanted to surprise her. I also wanted to get her something that she would unexpectedly love. That was a tall order, but I had faith in my ability to find the perfect book for her.
I went through the bargain books, and skimmed the new non-fiction before drifting over to general fiction. I scanned the shelves, but nothing was jumping out at me, so I looked to see where Chase was and smiled.
“Hey,” I said, poking her in the shoulder. She was so engrossed with reading the titles that she jumped.
“Sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you,” I said, and she shook her head.
“It’s fine. I was just in the book zone.”
“Find anything good?” She laughed.
“Only about a million things that I want. Nothing for you, yet.”
“That’s okay, I haven’t found anything for you yet either,” I said.
“We’re bad at this game,” she said, and I nodded.
“Okay, if you were to tell me the top ten books that I must read, what would they be?”
Her eyes went wide.
“Only ten?” That made me laugh.
“Yes, just ten.” She sighed and blew a breath out.