LETTER XXII
MR. HICKMAN, TO MRS. HOWE WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29.
MADAM,
It is with infinite regret that I think myself obliged, by pen and ink,to repeat my apprehension, that it is impossible for me ever to obtain ashare in the affections of your beloved daughter. O that it were not tooevident to every one, as well as to myself, even to our very servants,that my love for her, and my assiduities, expose me rather to her scorn[forgive me, Madam, the hard word!] than to the treatment due to a manwhose proposals have met with your approbation, and who loves her aboveall the women in the world!
Well might the merit of my passion be doubted, if, like Mr. Solmes tothe truly-admirably Miss Clarissa Harlowe, I could continue my addressesto Miss Howe's distaste. Yet what will not the discontinuance cost me!
Give me leave, nevertheless, dearest, worthiest Lady, to repeat, what Itold you, on Monday night, at Mrs. Larkin's, with a heart even burstingwith grief, That I wanted not the treatment of that day to convinceme, that I am not, nor ever can be, the object of Miss Howe's voluntaryfavour. What hopes can there be, that a lady will ever esteem, as ahusband, the man, whom, as a lover, she despises? Will not every actof obligingness from such a one, be construed as an unmanly tamenessof spirit, and entitle him the more to her disdain?--My heart is full:Forgive me, if I say, that Miss Howe's treatment of me does no crediteither to her education, or fine sense.
Since, then, it is too evident, that she cannot esteem me; and since, asI have heard it justly observed by the excellent Miss Clarissa Harlowe,that love is not a voluntary passion; would it not be ungenerous tosubject the dear daughter to the displeasure of a mother so justly fondof her; and you, Madam, while you are so good as to interest yourself inmy favour, to uneasiness? And why, were I even to be sure, at last, ofsucceeding by means of your kind partiality to me, should I wish to makethe best-beloved of my soul unhappy; since mutual must be our happiness,or misery for life the consequence to both?
My best wishes will for ever attend the dear, the ever-dear lady! mayher nuptials be happy! they must be so, if she marry the man she canhonour with her love. Yet I will say, that whoever be the happy, thethrice-happy man, he can never love her with a passion more ardent andmore sincere than mine.
Accept, dear Madam, of my most grateful thanks for a distinction thathas been the only support of my presumption in an address I am obliged,as utterly hopeless, to discontinue. A distinction, on which (and noton my own merits) I had entirely relied; but which, I find, can avail menothing. To the last hour of my life, it will give me pleasure to think,that had your favour, your recommendation, been of sufficient weight toconquer what seems to be an invincible aversion, I had been the happiestof men.
I am, dear Madam, with inviolable respect, your ever obliged andfaithful humble servant, CHARLES HICKMAN.