LETTER XXXIII
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE [IN CONTINUATION.]
Mr. Lovelace told me, that on the supposition that his proposal inrelation to my cousin Morden might not be accepted, he had been studyingto find out, if possible, some other expedient that might be agreeable,in order to convince me, that he preferred my satisfaction to his own.
He then offered to go himself, and procure my Hannah to come andattend me. As I had declined the service of either of the young MissesSorlings, he was extremely solicitous, he said, that I should have aservant in whose integrity I might confide.
I told him, that you would be so kind as to send to engage Hannah, ifpossible.
If any thing, he said, should prevent Hannah from coming, suppose hehimself waited upon Miss Howe, to desire her to lend me her servant tillI was provided to my mind?
I said, your mother's high displeasure at the step I had taken, (as shesupposed, voluntarily,) had deprived me of an open assistance of thatsort from you.
He was amazed, so much as Mrs. Howe herself used to admire me, and sogreat an influence as Miss Howe was supposed, and deserved to haveover her mother, that Mrs. Howe should take upon herself to be so muchoffended with me. He wished that the man, who took such pains to keep upand enflame the passions of my father and uncles, were not at the bottomof this mischief too.
I was afraid, I said, that my brother was: or else my uncle Antony, Idared to say, would not have taken such pains to set Mrs. Howe againstme, as I understood he had done.
Since I had declined visiting Lady Sarah, and Lady Betty, he asked me,if I should admit of a visit from his cousin Montague, and accept of aservant of hers for the present?
That was not, I said, an acceptable proposal: but I would first see ifmy friends would send me my clothes, that I might not make such a giddyand runaway appearance to any of his relations.
If I pleased, he would take another journey to Windsor, to make a moreparticular inquiry amongst the canons, or in any worthy family.
Were not his objections as to the publicness of the place, I asked him,as strong now as before?
I remember, my dear, in one of your former letters, you mentioned Londonas the most private place to be in:* and I said, that since he made suchpretences against leaving me here, as shewed he had no intention to doso; and since he engaged to go from me, and leave me to pursue myown measures, if I were elsewhere; and since his presence made theselodgings inconvenient to me; I should not be disinclined to go toLondon, did I know any body there.
* See Vol. II. Letter XXXVII.
As he had several times proposed London to me, I expected that he wouldeagerly have embraced that motion from me. But he took not ready hold ofit: yet I thought his eye approved of it.
We are both great watchers of each other's eyes; and, indeed, seem to bemore than half afraid of each other.
He then made a grateful proposal to me: 'that I would send for my Nortonto attend me.'*
* The reader is referred to Mr. Lovelace's next letter, for his motivesin making the several proposals of which the Lady is willing to think sowell.
He saw by my eyes, he said, that he had at last been happy in anexpedient, which would answer the wishes of us both. Why, says he, didI not think of it before?--And snatching my hand, Shall I write, Madam?Shall I send? Shall I go and fetch the worthy woman myself?
After a little consideration, I told him that this was indeed a gratefulmotion: but that I apprehended it would put her to a difficulty whichshe would not be able to get over; as it would make a woman of her knownprudence appear to countenance a fugitive daughter in opposition toher parents; and as her coming to me would deprive her of my mother'sfavour, without its being in my power to make it up to her.
O my beloved creature! said he, generously enough, let not this bean obstacle. I will do every thing for Mrs. Norton you wish to havedone.--Let me go for her.
More coolly than perhaps his generosity deserved, I told him it wasimpossible but I must soon hear from my friends. I should not, meantime, embroil any body with them. Not Mrs. Norton especially, from whoseinterest in, and mediation with, my mother, I might expect some good,were she to keep herself in a neutral state: that, besides, the goodwoman had a mind above her fortune; and would sooner want than bebeholden to any body improperly.
Improperly! said he.--Have not persons of merit a right to all thebenefits conferred upon them?--Mrs. Norton is so good a woman, that Ishall think she lays me under an obligation if she will put it in mypower to serve her; although she were not to augment it, by giving methe opportunity, at the same time, of contributing to your pleasure andsatisfaction.
How could this man, with such powers of right thinking, be so fardepraved by evil habits, as to disgrace his talents by wrong acting?
Is there not room, after all, thought I, at the time, to hope (as he solately led me to hope) that the example it will behove me, for bothour sakes, to endeavour to set him, may influence him to a change ofmanners, in which both may find our account?
Give me leave, Sir, said I, to tell you, there is a strange mixture inyour mind. You must have taken pains to suppress many good motionsand reflections as they arose, or levity must have been surprisinglypredominant in it.--But as to the subject we were upon, there is notaking any resolutions till I hear from my friends.
Well, Madam, I can only say, I would find out some expedient, if Icould, that should be agreeable to you. But since I cannot, will you beso good as to tell me what you would wish to have done? Nothing in theworld but I will comply with, excepting leaving you here, at such adistance from the place I shall be in, if any thing should happen; andin a place where my gossiping rascals have made me in a manner public,for want of proper cautions at first.
These vermin, added he, have a pride they can hardly rein-in, whenthey serve a man of family. They boast of their master's pedigree anddescent, as if they were related to him. Nor is any thing they know ofhim, or of his affairs, a secret to one another, were it a matter thatwould hang him.
If so, thought I, men of family should take care to give them subjectsworth boasting of.
I am quite at a loss, said I, what to do or where to go. Would you, Mr.Lovelace, in earnest, advise me to think of going to London?
And I looked at him with stedfastness. But nothing could I gather fromhis looks.
At first, Madam, said he, I was for proposing London, as I was then moreapprehensive of pursuit. But as your relations seem cooler on that head,I am the more indifferent about the place you go to.--So as you arepleased, so as you are easy, I shall be happy.
This indifference of his to London, I cannot but say, made me inclinethe more to go thither. I asked him (to hear what he would say) if hecould recommend me to any particular place in London?
No, he said: none that was fit for me, or that I should like. His friendBelford, indeed, had very handsome lodgings near Soho-square, at arelation's, whose wife was a woman of virtue and honour. These, as Mr.Belford was generally in the country, he could borrow till I was betteraccommodated.
I was resolved to refuse these at the first mention, as I should anyother he had named. Nevertheless, I will see, thought I, if he hasreally thought of these for me. If I break off the talk here, and heresume this proposal with earnestness in the morning, I shall apprehendthat he is less indifferent than he seems to be about my going toLondon, and that he has already a lodging in his eye for me. And then Iwill not go at all.
But after such generous motions from him, I really think it a littlebarbarous to act and behave as if I thought him capable of the blackestand most ungrateful baseness. But his character, his principles, are sofaulty! He is so light, so vain, so various, that there is no certaintythat he will be next hour what he is this. Then, my dear, I have noguardian now; no father, no mother! only God and my vigilance to dependupon. And I have no reason to expect a miracle in my favour.
Well, Sir, said I, [rising to leave him,] something must be resolvedupon: but I will postpone this subject
till to-morrow morning.
He would fain have engaged me longer: but I said I would see him asearly as he pleased in the morning. He might think of any convenientplace in London, or near it, in mean time.
And so I retired from him. As I do from my pen; hoping for better restfor the few hours that remain of this night than I have had of a longtime.
CLARISSA HARLOWE.