LETTER VII
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ. TUESDAY, WEDN. APRIL 11, 12.
You claim my promise, that I will be as particular as possible, inall that passes between me and my goddess. Indeed, I never had a moreillustrious subject to exercise my pen. And, moreover, I have leisure;for by her good will, my access would be as difficult to her, as that ofthe humblest slave to an Eastern monarch. Nothing, then, but inclinationto write can be wanting; and since our friendship, and your obligingattendance upon me at the White Hart, will not excuse that, I willendeavour to keep my word.
I parted with thee and thy brethren, with a full resolution, thouknowest, to rejoin ye, if she once again disappointed me, in order to gotogether (attended by our servants, for shew sake) to the gloomy father;and demand audience of the tyrant upon the freedoms taken with mycharacter. In short, to have tried by fair resolutions, and treat hischarming daughter with less inhumanity, and me with more civility.
I told thee my reasons for not going in search of a letter ofcountermand. I was right; for if I had, I should have found such a one;and had I received it, she would not have met me. Did she think, thatafter I had been more than once disappointed, I would not keep her toher promise; that I would not hold her to it, when I had got her in sodeeply?
The moment I heard the door unbolt, I was sure of her. That motionmade my heart bound to my throat. But when that was followed with thepresence of my charmer, flashing upon me all at once in a flood ofbrightness, sweetly dressed, though all unprepared for a journey, I trodair, and hardly thought myself a mortal.
Thou shalt judge of her dress, as at the moment I first beheld her sheappeared to me, and as, upon a nearer observation, she really was. I ama critic, thou knowest, in women's dresses. Many a one have I taughtto dress, and helped to undress. But there is such a native elegance inthis lady, that she surpasses all that I could imagine surpassing. Butthen her person adorns what she wears, more than dress can adorn her;and that's her excellence.
Expect therefore a faint sketch of her admirable person with her dress.
Her wax-like flesh (for after all, flesh and blood I think she is) byits delicacy and firmness, answers for the soundness of her health. Thouhast often heard me launch out in praise of her complexion. I never inmy life beheld a skins so illustriously fair. The lily and the drivensnow it is nonsense to talk of: her lawn and her laces one might indeedcompare to those; but what a whited wall would a woman appear to be,who had a complexion which would justify such unnatural comparisons? Butthis lady is all glowing, all charming flesh and blood; yet so clear,that every meandring vein is to be seen in all the lovely parts of herwhich custom permits to be visible.
Thou has heard me also describe the wavy ringlets of her shining hair,needing neither art nor powder; of itself an ornament, defying allother ornaments; wantoning in and about a neck that is beautiful beyonddescription.
Her head-dress was a Brussels-lace mob, peculiarly adapted to thecharming air and turn of her features. A sky-blue ribband illustratedthat. But although the weather was somewhat sharp, she had not on eitherhat or hood; for, besides that she loves to use herself hardily (bywhich means and by a temperance truly exemplary, she is allowed to havegiven high health and vigour to an originally tender constitution) sheseems to have intended to shew me, that she was determined not to standto her appointment. O Jack! that such a sweet girl should be a rogue!
Her morning gown was a pale primrose-coloured paduasoy: the cuffsand robins curiously embroidered by the fingers of this ever-charmingArachne, in a running pattern of violets and their leaves, the light inthe flowers silver, gold in the leaves. A pair of diamond snaps inher ears. A white handkerchief wrought by the same inimitable fingersconcealed--O Belford! what still more inimitable beauties did it notconceal!--And I saw, all the way we rode, the bounding heart (by itsthrobbing motions I saw it!) dancing beneath her charming umbrage.
Her ruffles were the same as her mob. Her apron a flowered lawn. Hercoat white sattin, quilted: blue sattin her shoes, braided with the samecolour, without lace; for what need has the prettiest foot in the worldof ornament? neat buckles in them: and on her charming arms a pair ofblack velvet glove-like muffs of her own invention; for she makes andgives fashions as she pleases.--Her hands velvet of themselves, thusuncovered the freer to be grasped by those of her adorer.
I have told thee what were my transports, when the undrawn boltpresented to me my long-expected goddess. Her emotions were more sweetlyfeminine, after the first moments; for then the fire of her starry eyesbegan to sink into a less dazzling languor. She trembled: nor knewshe how to support the agitations of a heart she had never found soungovernable. She was even fainting, when I clasped her in my supportingarms. What a precious moment that! How near, how sweetly near, thethrobbing partners!
By her dress, I saw, as I observed before, how unprepared she was fora journey; and not doubting her intention once more to disappoint me, Iwould have drawn her after me. Then began a contention the most vehementthat ever I had with woman. It would pain thy friendly heart to be toldthe infinite trouble I had with her. I begged, I prayed; on my knees,yet in vain, I begged and prayed her to answer her own appointment: andhad I not happily provided for such a struggle, knowing whom I had todeal with, I had certainly failed in my design; and as certainly wouldhave accompanied her in, without thee and thy brethren: and who knowswhat might have been the consequence?
But my honest agent answering my signal, though not quite so soon as Iexpected, in the manner thou knowest I had prescribed, They are coming!They are coming!--Fly, fly, my beloved creature, cried I, drawing mysword with a flourish, as if I would have slain half an hundred of thesupposed intruders; and, seizing her trembling hands, I drew her afterme so swiftly, that my feet, winged by love, could hardly keep pace withher feet, agitated by fear.--And so I became her emperor.
I'll tell thee all, when I see thee: and thou shalt then judge of mydifficulties, and of her perverseness. And thou wilt rejoice with me atmy conquest over such a watchful and open-eyed charmer.
But seest thou not now (as I think I do) the wind outstripping fair oneflying from her love to her love? Is there not such a game?--Nay, flyingfrom her friends she was resolved not to abandon, to the man she wasdetermined not to go off with?--The sex! the sex, all over!--Charmingcontradiction!--Hah, hah, hah, hah!--I must here--I must here, lay downmy pen, to hold my sides; for I must have my laugh out now the fit isupon me.
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I believe--I believe--Hah, hah, hah! I believe, Jack, my dogs concludeme mad: for here has one of them popt in, as if to see what ailed me, orwhom I had with me. Hah, hah, hah! An impudent dog! O Jack, knewest thoumy conceit, and were but thy laugh joined to mine, I believe it wouldhold me for an hour longer.
But, O my best beloved fair one, repine not thou at the arts by whichthou suspectest thy fruitless vigilence has been over watched. Takecare, that thou provokest not new ones, that may be still more worthyof thee. If once thy emperor decrees thy fall, thou shalt greatly fall.Thou shalt have cause, if that come to pass, which may come to pass (forwhy wouldst thou put off marriage to so long a day, as till thou hadstreason to be convinced of my reformation, dearest?) thou shalt havecause, never fear, to sit down more dissatisfied with the stars, thanwith thyself. And come the worst to the worst, glorious terms will Igive thee. Thy garrison, with general Prudence at the head, and governorWatchfulness bringing up the rear, shall be allowed to march out withall the honours due to so brave a resistance. And all thy sex, and allmine, that hear of my stratagems, and of thy conduct, shall acknowledgethe fortress as nobly won as defended.
'Thou wilt not dare, methinks I hear thee say, to attempt to reduce sucha goddess as this, to a standard unworthy of her excellencies. It isimpossible, Lovelace, that thou shouldst intent to break through oathsand protestations so solemn.'
That I did not intend it, is certain. That I do intend it, I cannot (myheart, my reverence for her, will not let me) say. But knowest thou notmy aversion to t
he state of shackles?--And is she not IN MY POWER?
'And wilt thou, Lovelace, abuse that power which--'
Which what, Belford? Which I obtained not by her own consent, butagainst it.
'But which thou never hadst obtained, had she not esteemed thee aboveall men.'
And which I had never taken so much pains to obtain, had I not loved herabove all women. So far upon a par, Jack! and if thou pleadest honour,ought not honour to be mutual? If mutual, does it not imply mutualtrust, mutual confidence? And what have I had of that from her to boastof?--Thou knowest the whole progress of our warfare: for a warfare ithas truly been; and far, very far, from an amorous warfare too. Doubts,mistrusts, upbraidings, on her part; humiliations the most abject, onmine. Obliged to assume such airs of reformation, that every varlet ofye has been afraid I should reclaim in good earnest. And hast thou notthyself frequently observed to me, how awkwardly I returned to my usualgayety, after I had been within a mile of her father's garden-wall,although I had not seen her?
Does she not deserve to pay for all this?--To make an honest fellow looklike an hypocrite, what a vile thing is that!
Then thou knowest what a false little rogue she has been. How littleconscience she has made of disappointing me. Hast thou not been awitness of my ravings on this score? Have I not, in the height of them,vowed revenge upon the faithless charmer? And if I must be forsworn,whether I answer her expectations, or follow my own inclinations; and ifthe option be in my own power, can I hesitate a moment which to choose?
Then, I fancy by her circumspection, and her continual grief, that sheexpects some mischief from me. I don't care to disappoint any body Ihave a value for.
But O the noble, the exalted creature! Who can avoid hesitating when hethinks of an offence against her? Who can but pity--
Yet, on the other hand, so loth at last to venture, though threatenedto be forced into the nuptial fetters with a man, whom to look upon asa rival, is to disgrace myself!--So sullen, now she has ventured!--Whattitle has she to pity; and to a pity which her pride would make herdisclaim?
But I resolve not any way. I will see how her will works; and how mywill leads me on. I will give the combatants fair play, and yet, everytime I attend her, I find that she is less in my power; I more in hers.
Yet, a foolish little rogue! to forbid me to think of marriage till I ama reformed man! Till the implacables of her family change their natures,and become placable!
It is true, when she was for making those conditions, she did not think,that without any, she should be cheated out of herself; for so the dearsoul, as I may tell thee in its place, phrases it.
How it swells my pride, to have been able to outwit such a vigilantcharmer! I am taller by half a yard in my imagination than I was. I lookdown upon every body now. Last night I was still more extravagant. Itook off my hat, as I walked, to see if the lace were not scorched,supposing it had brushed down a star; and, before I put it on again, inmere wantonness and heart's ease, I was for buffeting the moon.
In short, my whole soul is joy. When I go to bed I laugh myself asleep;and I awake either laughing or singing--yet nothing nearly in view,neither--For why?--I am not yet reformed enough!
I told thee at the time, if thou rememberest, how capable thisrestriction was of being turned upon the over-scrupulous dear creature,could I once get her out of her father's house; and were I disposed topunish her for her family's faults, and for the infinite trouble sheherself had given me. Little thinks she, that I have kept an account ofboth: and that, when my heart is soft, and all her own, I can but turnto my memoranda, and harden myself at once.
O my charmer, look to it! Abate of thy haughty airs! Value not thyselfupon thy sincerity, if thou art indifferent to me! I will not bear itnow. Art thou not in my POWER!--Nor, if thou lovest me, think, thatthe female affectation of denying thy love, will avail thee now, with aheart so proud and so jealous as mine?--Remember, moreover, that all thyfamily sins are upon thy head--!
But ah! Jack, when I see my angel, when I am admitted to the presence ofthis radiant beauty, what will become of all this vapouring?
But, be my end what it may, I am obliged, by thy penetration, fair one,to proceed by the sap. Fair and softly. A wife at any time! Marriagewill be always in my power.
When put to the university, the same course of initial studies willqualify the yonker for the one line or the other. The genius ought topoint out the future lawyer, divine, or physician!--So the same cautiousconduct, with such a vigilance, will do either for the wife, or for theno-wife. When I reform, I'll marry. 'Tis time enough for the one, thelady must say--for the other, say I!
But how I ramble!--This is to be in such a situation, that I know notwhat to resolve upon.
I'll tell thee my inclinings, as I proceed. The pro's and the con's I'lltell thee: but being got too far from the track I set out in, I willclose here. I may, however, write every day something, and send it asopportunity offers.
Regardless, nevertheless, I shall be in all I write, of connection,accuracy, or of any thing but of my own imperial will and pleasure.