LETTER XVI
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.THURSDAY MORNING, FIVE O'CLOCK, (JUNE 8.)
Now is my reformation secure; for I never shall love any other woman! Oh!she is all variety! She must ever be new to me! Imagination cannotform; much less can the pencil paint; nor can the soul of painting,poetry, describe an angel so exquisitely, so elegantly lovely!--But Iwill not by anticipation pacify thy impatience. Although the subject istoo hallowed for profane contemplation, yet shalt thou have the wholebefore thee as it passed: and this not from a spirit wantoning indescription upon so rich a subject; but with a design to put a bound tothy roving thoughts. It will be iniquity, greater than a Lovelace wasever guilty of, to carry them farther than I shall acknowledge.
Thus then, connecting my last with the present, I lead to it.
Didst thou not, by the conclusion of my former, perceive theconsternation I was in, just as I was about to reperuse thy letter, inorder to prevail upon myself to recede from my purpose of awaking interrors my slumbering charmer? And what dost think was the matter?
I'll tell thee--
At a little after two, when the whole house was still, or seemed to beso, and, as it proved, my Clarissa in bed, and fast asleep; I also in amanner undressed (as indeed I was for an hour before) and in my gown andslippers, though, to oblige thee, writing on!--I was alarmed by atrampling noise over head, and a confused buz of mixed voices, somelouder than others, like scolding, and little short of screaming. WhileI was wondering what could be the matter, down stairs ran Dorcas, and atmy door, in an accent rather frightedly and hoarsely inward than shrillyclamorous, she cried out Fire! Fire! And this the more alarmed me, asshe seemed to endeavour to cry out louder, but could not.
My pen (its last scrawl a benediction on my beloved) dropped from myfingers; and up started I; and making but three steps to the door,opening it, cried out, Where! Where! almost as much terrified as thewench; while she, more than half undrest, her petticoats in her hand,unable to speak distinctly, pointed up stairs.
I was there in a moment, and found all owing to the carelessness of Mrs.Sinclair's cook-maid, who having sat up to read the simple History ofDorastus and Faunia, when she should have been in bed, had set fire to anold pair of calico window-curtains.
She had had the presence of mind, in her fright, to tear down the half-burnt vallens, as well as curtains, and had got them, though blazing,into the chimney, by the time I came up; so that I had the satisfactionto find the danger happily over.
Mean time Dorcas, after she had directed me up stairs, not knowing theworst was over, and expecting every minute the house would be in a blaze,out of tender regard for her lady, [I shall for ever love the wench forit,] ran to her door, and rapping loudly at it, in a recovered voice,cried out, with a shrillness equal to her love, Fire! Fire! The house ison fire!--Rise, Madam!--This instant rise--if you would not be burnt inyour bed!
No sooner had she made this dreadful out-cry, but I heard her lady'sdoor, with hasty violence, unbar, unbolt, unlock, and open, and mycharmer's voice sounding like that of one going into a fit.
Thou mayest believe that I was greatly affected. I trembled with concernfor her, and hastened down faster than the alarm of fire had made me runup, in order to satisfy her that all the danger was over.
When I had flown down to her chamber-door, there I beheld the mostcharming creature in the world, supporting herself on the arm of thegasping Dorcas, sighing, trembling, and ready to faint, with nothing onbut an under petticoat, her lovely bosom half open, and her feet justslipped into her shoes. As soon as she saw me, she panted, andstruggled to speak; but could only say, O Mr. Lovelace! and down wasready to sink.
I clasped her in my arms with an ardour she never felt before: My dearestlife! fear nothing: I have been up--the danger is over--the fire is gotunder--and how, foolish devil, [to Dorcas,] could you thus, by yourhideous yell, alarm and frighten my angel!
O Jack! how her sweet bosom, as I clasped her to mine, heaved and panted!I could even distinguish her dear heart flutter, flutter, against mine;and, for a few minutes, I feared she would go into fits.
Lest the half-lifeless charmer should catch cold in this undress, Ilifted her to her bed, and sat down by her upon the side of it,endeavouring with the utmost tenderness, as well of action as expression,to dissipate her terrors.
But what did I get by this my generous care of her, and my successfulendeavour to bring her to herself?--Nothing (ungrateful as she was!) butthe most passionate exclamations: for we had both already forgotten theoccasion, dreadful as it was, which had thrown her into my arms: I, fromthe joy of encircling the almost disrobed body of the loveliest of hersex; she, from the greater terrors that arose from finding herself in myarms, and both seated on the bed, from which she had been so latelyfrighted.
And now, Belford, reflect upon the distance at which the watchful charmerhad hitherto kept me: reflect upon my love, and upon my sufferings forher: reflect upon her vigilance, and how long I had laid in wait to eludeit; the awe I had stood in, because of her frozen virtue andover-niceness; and that I never before was so happy with her; and thenthink how ungovernable must be my transports in those happy moments!--Andyet, in my own account, I was both decent and generous.
But, far from being affected, as I wished, by an address so fervent,(although from a man from whom she had so lately owned a regard, and withwhom, but an hour or two before, she had parted with so muchsatisfaction,) I never saw a bitterer, or more moving grief, when shecame fully to herself.
She appealed to Heaven against my treachery, as she called it; while I,by the most solemn vows, pleaded my own equal fright, and the reality ofthe danger that had alarmed us both.
She conjured me, in the most solemn and affecting manner, by turnsthreatening and soothing, to quit her apartment, and permit her to hideherself from the light, and from every human eye.
I besought her pardon, yet could not avoid offending; and repeatedlyvowed, that the next morning's sun should witness our espousals. Buttaking, I suppose, all my protestations of this kind as an indicationthat I intended to proceed to the last extremity, she would hear nothingthat I said; but, redoubling her struggles to get from me, in brokenaccents, and exclamations the most vehement, she protested, that shewould not survive what she called a treatment so disgraceful andvillanous; and, looking all wildly round her, as if for some instrumentof mischief, she espied a pair of sharp-pointed scissors on a chair bythe bed-side, and endeavoured to catch them up, with design to make herwords good on the spot.
Seeing her desperation, I begged her to be pacified; that she would hearme speak but one word; declaring that I intended no dishonour to her: andhaving seized the scissors, I threw them into the chimney; and she stillinsisting vehemently upon my distance, I permitted her to take the chair.
But, O the sweet discomposure!--Her bared shoulders, and arms soinimitably fair and lovely: her spread hands crossed over her charmingneck; yet not half concealing its glossy beauties: the scanty coat, asshe rose from me, giving the whole of her admirable shape, and fine-turn'd limbs: her eyes running over, yet seeming to threaten futurevengeance:and at last her lips uttering what every indignant look and glowingfeature portended: exclaiming as if I had done the worst I could do, andvowing never to forgive me; wilt thou wonder if I resumed the incensed,the already too-much-provoked fair-one?
I did; and clasped her once more to my bosom: but, considering thedelicacy of her frame, her force was amazing, and showed how much inearnest she was in her resentment; for it was with the utmost difficultythat I was able to hold her: nor could I prevent her sliding through myarms, to fall upon her knees: which she did at my feet: and there in theanguish of her soul, her streaming eyes lifted up to my face withsupplicating softness, hands folded, dishevelled hair; for her nighthead-dress having fallen off in her struggling, her charming tresses felldown in naturally shining ringlets, as if officious to conceal thedazzling beauties of her neck and shoulders; her lovely bosom too heavingwith s
ighs, and broken sobs, as if to aid her quivering lips in pleadingfor her--in this manner, but when her grief gave way to her speech, inwords pronounced with that emphatical propriety, which distinguishes thisadmirable creature in her elocution from all the women I ever heardspeak, did she implore my compassion and my honour.
'Consider me, dear Lovelace,' [dear was her charming word!] 'on my kneesI beg you to consider me as a poor creature who has no protector but you;who has no defence but your honour: by that honour! by your humanity! byall you have vowed! I conjure you not to make me abhor myself! not tomake me vile in my own eyes!'
I mentioned to-morrow as the happiest day of my life.
Tell me not of to-morrow. If indeed you mean me honourably, now, thisvery instant NOW! you must show it, and be gone! you can never in a wholelong life repair the evils you NOW make me suffer!
Wicked wretch!--Insolent villain!--yes, she called me insolent villain,although so much in my power! And for what!--only for kissing (withpassion indeed) her inimitable neck, her lips, her cheeks, her forehead,and her streaming eyes, as this assemblage of beauties offered itself atonce to my ravished sight; she continuing kneeling at my feet as I sat.
If I am a villain, Madam!--And then my grasping, but trembling hand--Ihope I did not hurt the tenderest and loveliest of all her beauties--If Iam a villain, Madam--
She tore my ruffle, shrunk from my happy hand, with amazing force andagility, as with my other arm I would have encircled her waist.
Indeed you are!--the worst of villains!--Help! dear, blessed people! andscreamed out--No help for a poor creature!
Am I then a villain, Madam?--Am I then a villain, say you?--and claspedboth my arms about her, offering to raise her to my bounding heart.
Oh! no!--And yet you are!--And again I was her dear Lovelace!--her handsagain clasped over her charming bosom:--Kill me! kill me!--if I am odiousenough in your eyes to deserve this treatment: and I will thank you!--Toolong, much too long has my life been a burden to me!--Or, (wildly lookingall round her,) give me but the means, and I will instantly convince youthat my honour is dearer to me than my life!
Then, with still folded hands, and fresh streaming eyes, I was herblessed Lovelace; and she would thank me with her latest breath if Iwould permit her to make that preference, or free her from fartherindignities.
I sat suspended for a moment: by my soul, thought I, thou art, upon fullproof, an angel and no woman! still, however, close clasping her to mybosom, as I raised her from her knees, she again slid through my arms,and dropped upon them.--'See, Mr. Lovelace!--Good God! that I should liveto see this hour, and to bear this treatment!--See at your feet a poorcreature, imploring your pity; who, for your sake, is abandoned of allthe world. Let not my father's curse thus dreadfully operate! be not youthe inflicter, who have been the cause of it: but spare me, I beseechyou, spare me!--for how have I deserved this treatment from you? for yourown sake, if not for my sake, and as you would that God Almighty, in yourlast hour, should have mercy upon you, spare me!'
What heart but must have been penetrated!
I would again have raised the dear suppliant from her knees; but shewould not be raised, till my softened mind, she said, had yielded to herprayer, and bid her rise to be innocent.
Rise then, my angel! rise, and be what you are, and all you wish to be!only pronounce me pardoned for what has passed, and tell me you willcontinue to look upon me with that eye of favour and serenity which Ihave been blessed with for some days past, and I will submit to mybeloved conqueress, whose power never was at so great an height with me,as now, and retire to my apartment.
God Almighty, said she, hear your prayers in your most arduous moments,as you have heard mine! and now leave me, this moment leave me, to my ownrecollection: in that you will leave me to misery enough, and more thanyou ought to wish to your bitterest enemy.
Impute not every thing, my best beloved, to design, for design it wasnot--
O Mr. Lovelace!
Upon my soul, Madam, the fire was real--[and so it was, Jack!]--Thehouse, my dearest life, might have been consumed by it, as you will beconvinced in the morning by ocular demonstration.
O Mr. Lovelace!--
Let my passion for you, Madam, and the unexpected meeting of you at yourchamber-door, in an attitude so charming--
Leave me, leave me, this moment!--I beseech you leave me; looking wildlyand in confusion about her, and upon herself.
Excuse me, my dearest creature, for those liberties which, innocent asthey were, your too great delicacy may make you take amiss--
No more! no more!--leave me, I beseech you! again looking upon herself,and round her, in a sweet confusion--Begone! begone!
Then weeping, she struggled vehemently to withdraw her hands, which allthe while I held between mine.--Her struggles!--O what additional charms,as I now reflect, did her struggles give to every feature, every limb, ofa person so sweetly elegant and lovely!
Impossible, my dearest life, till you pronounce my pardon!--Say but youforgive me!--say but you forgive me!
I beseech you to be gone! leave me to myself, that I may think what I cando, and what I ought to do.
That, my dearest creature, is not enough. You must tell me that I amforgiven; that you will see me to-morrow as if nothing had happened.
And then I clasped her again in my arms, hoping she would not forgiveme--
I will--I do forgive you--wretch that you are!
Nay, my Clarissa! and is it such a reluctant pardon, mingled with a wordso upbraiding, that I am to be put off with, when you are thus (claspingher close to me) in my power?
I do, I do forgive you!
Heartily?
Yes, heartily!
And freely?
Freely!
And will you look upon me to-morrow as if nothing had passed?
Yes, yes!
I cannot take these peevish affirmatives, so much like intentionalnegatives!--Say, you will, upon your honour.
Upon my honour, then--Oh! now, begone! begone!--and never never--
What! never, my angel!--Is this forgiveness?
Never, said she, let what has passed be remembered more!
I insisted upon one kiss to seal my pardon--and retired like a fool, awoman's fool, as I was!--I sneakingly retired!--Couldst thou havebelieved it?
But I had no sooner entered my own apartment, than reflecting upon theopportunity I had lost, and that all I had gained was but an increase ofmy own difficulties; and upon the ridicule I should meet with below upona weakness so much out of my usual character; I repented, and hastenedback, in hope that, through the distress of mind which I left her in, shehad not so soon fastened the door; and I was fully resolved to executeall my purposes, be the consequence what it would; for, thought I, I havealready sinned beyond cordial forgiveness, I doubt; and if fits anddesperation ensue, I can but marry at last, and then I shall make heramends.
But I was justly punished; for her door was fast: and hearing her sighand sob, as if her heart would burst, My beloved creature, said I,rapping gently, [the sobbings then ceasing,] I want but to say threewords to you, which must be the most acceptable you ever heard from me.Let me see you out for one moment.
I thought I heard her coming to open the door, and my heart leapt in thathope; but it was only to draw another bolt, to make it still the faster;and she either could not or would not answer me, but retired to thefarther end of her apartment, to her closet, probably; and, more like afool than before, again I sneaked away.
This was mine, my plot! and this was all I made of it!--I love her morethan ever!--And well I may!--never saw I polished ivory so beautiful asher arms and shoulders; never touched I velvet so soft as her skin: hervirgin bosom--O Belford, she is all perfection! then such an elegance!--In her struggling losing her shoe, (but just slipt on, as I told thee,)her pretty foot equally white and delicate as the hand of any otherwoman, or even her own hand!
But seest thou not that I have a claim of merit for a grace that everybody hithe
rto had denied me? and that is for a capacity of being moved byprayers and tears--Where, where, on this occasion, was the callous, wherethe flint, by which my heart was said to be surrounded?
This, indeed, is the first instance, in the like case, that ever I waswrought upon. But why? because, I never before encountered a resistanceso much in earnest: a resistance, in short, so irresistible.
What a triumph has her sex obtained in my thoughts by this trial, andthis resistance?
But if she can now forgive me--can!--she must. Has she not upon herhonour already done it?--But how will the dear creature keep that part ofher promise which engages her to see me in the morning as if nothing hadhappened?
She would give the world, I fancy, to have the first interview over!--Shehad not best reproach me--yet not to reproach me!--what a charmingpuzzle!--Let her break her word with me at her peril. Fly me shecannot--no appeals lie from my tribunal--What friend has she in theworld, if my compassion exert not itself in her favour?--and then theworthy Captain Tomlinson, and her uncle Harlowe, will be able to make allup for me, be my next offence what it may.
As to thy apprehensions of her committing any rashness upon herself,whatever she might have done in her passion, if she could have seizedupon her scissors, or found any other weapon, I dare say there is no fearof that from her deliberate mind. A man has trouble enough with thesetruly pious, and truly virtuous girls; [now I believe there are such;] hehad need to have some benefit from, some security in, the rectitude oftheir minds.
In short, I fear nothing in this lady but grief: yet that's a slowworker, you know; and gives time to pop in a little joy between itssullen fits.