LETTER XXXVII
MR. LOVELACE, TO MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE[SUPERSCRIBED TO MRS. LOVELACE.]M. HALL, SAT. NIGHT, JUNE 24.
MY DEAREST LIFE,
If you do not impute to live, and to terror raised by love, the poorfigure I made before you last night, you will not do me justice. Ithought I would try to the very last moment, if, by complying with you inevery thing, I could prevail upon you to promise to be mine on Thursdaynext, since you refused me an earlier day. Could I have been so happy,you had not been hindered going to Hampstead, or wherever else youpleased. But when I could not prevail upon you to give me thisassurance, what room had I, (my demerit so great,) to suppose, that yourgoing thither would not be to lose you for ever?
I will own to you, Madam, that yesterday afternoon I picked up the paperdropt by Dorcas; who has confessed that she would have assisted you ingetting away, if she had had opportunity so to do; and undoubtedlydropped it by accident. And could I have prevailed upon you as toThursday next, I would have made no use of it; secure as I should havebeen in your word given, to be mine. But when I found you inflexible,I was resolved to try, if, by resenting Dorcas's treachery, I could notmake your pardon of me the condition of mine to her: and if not, to makea handle of it to revoke my consent to your going away from Mrs.Sinclair's; since the consequence of that must have been so fatal to me.
So far, indeed, was my proceeding low and artful: and when I waschallenged with it, as such, in so high and noble a manner, I could notavoid taking shame to myself upon it.
But you must permit me, Madam, to hope, that you will not punish me tooheavily for so poor a contrivance, since no dishonour was meant you: andsince, in the moment of its execution, you had as great an instance of myincapacity to defend a wrong, a low measure, and, at the same time, inyour power over me, as mortal man could give--in a word, since you musthave seen, that I was absolutely under the controul both of conscienceand of love.
I will not offer to defend myself, for wishing you to remain where youare, till either you give me your word to meet me at the altar onThursday; or till I have the honour of attending you, preparative to thesolemnity which will make that day the happiest of my life.
I am but too sensible, that this kind of treatment may appear to you withthe face of an arbitrary and illegal imposition: but as the consequences,not only to ourselves, but to both our families, may be fatal, if youcannot be moved in my favour; let me beseech you to forgive this act ofcompulsion, on the score of the necessity you your dear self have laid meunder to be guilty of it; and to permit the solemnity of next Thursday toinclude an act of oblivion for all past offences.
The orders I have given to the people of the house are: 'That you shallbe obeyed in every particular that is consistent with my expectations offinding you there on my return on Wednesday next: that Mrs. Sinclair andher nieces, having incurred your just displeasure, shall not, withoutyour orders, come into your presence: that neither shall Dorcas, till shehas fully cleared her conduct to your satisfaction, be permitted toattend you: but Mabell, in her place; of whom you seemed some time ago toexpress some liking. Will. I have left behind me to attend yourcommands. If he be either negligent or impertinent, your dismissionshall be a dismission of him from my service for ever. But, as toletters which may be sent you, or any which you may have to send, I musthumbly entreat, that none such pass from or to you, for the few days thatI shall be absent.' But I do assure you, madam, that the seals of bothsorts shall be sacred: and the letters, if such be sent, shall be giveninto your own hands the moment the ceremony is performed, or before, ifyou require it.
Mean time I will inquire, and send you word, how Miss Howe does; and towhat, if I can be informed, her long silence is owing.
Dr. Perkins I found here, attending my Lord, when I arrived with Dr. S.He acquaints me that your father, mother, uncles, and the still lessworthy persons of your family, are well; and intend to be all at youruncle Harlowe's next week; I presume, with intent to keep hisanniversary. This can make no alteration, but a happy one, as topersons, on Thursday; because Mr. Tomlinson assured me, that if any thingfell out to hinder your uncle's coming up in person, (which, however, hedid not then expect,) he would be satisfied if his friend the Captainwere proxy for him. I shall send a man and horse to-morrow to theCaptain, to be at greater certainty.
I send this by a special messenger, who will wait your pleasure inrelation to the impatiently-wished-for Thursday: which I humbly hope willbe signified by a line.
My Lord, though hardly sensible, and unmindful of every thing but of yourfelicity, desires his most affectionate compliments to you. He has inreadiness to present to you a very valuable set of jewels, which he hopeswill be acceptable, whether he lives to see you adorn them or not.
Lady Sarah and Lady Betty have also their tokens of respect ready tocourt your acceptance: but may Heaven incline you to give the opportunityof receiving their personal compliments, and those of my cousinsMontague, before the next week be out!
His Lordship is exceeding ill. Dr. S. has no hopes of him. The onlyconsolation I can have for the death of a relation who loves me so well,if he do die, must arise from the additional power it will put into myhands of showing how much I am,
My dearest life,Your ever-affectionate, faithful,LOVELACE.