LETTER XXXVI
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.FRIDAY NIGHT, OR RATHER SAT. MORN. ONE O'CLOCK.
I thought I should not have had either time or inclination to writeanother line before I got to M. Hall. But, having the first, must findthe last; since I can neither sleep, nor do any thing but write, if I cando that. I am most confoundedly out of humour. The reason let itfollow; if it will follow--nor preparation for it from me.
I tried by gentleness and love to soften--What?--Marble. A heartincapable either of love or gentleness. Her past injuries for ever inher head. Ready to receive a favour; the permission to go toHampstead: but neither to deserve it, nor return any. So my scheme ofthe gentle kind was soon given over.
I then wanted to provoke her: like a coward boy, who waits for the firstblow before he can persuade himself to fight, I half challenged her tochallenge or defy me. She seemed aware of her danger; and would notdirectly brave my resentment: but kept such a middle course, that Ineither could find a pretence to offend, nor reason to hope: yet shebelieved my tale, that her uncle would come to Kentish-town, and seemednot to apprehend that Tomlinson was an impostor.
She was very uneasy, upon the whole, in my company: wanted often tobreak from me: yet so held me to my purpose of permitting her to go toHampstead, that I knew not how to get off it; although it was impossible,in my precarious situation with her, to think of performingit.
In this situation; the women ready to assist; and, if I proceeded not,as ready to ridicule me; what had I left me, but to pursue the concertedscheme, and to seek a pretence to quarrel with her, in order to revoke mypromised permission, and to convince her that I would not be upbraided asthe most brutal of ravishers for nothing?
I had agreed with the women, that if I could not find a pretence in herpresence to begin my operations, the note should lie in my way, and I wasto pick it up, soon after her retiring from me. But I began to doubt atnear ten o'clock, (so earnest was she to leave me, suspecting myover-warm behaviour to her, and eager grasping of her hand two or threetimes, with eye-strings, as I felt, on the strain, while her eyes showeduneasiness and apprehension,) that if she actually retired for the night,it might be a chance whether it would be easy to come at her again. Loth,therefore, to run such a risk, I stept out a little after ten, with intentto alter the preconcerted disposition a little; saying I would attend heragain instantly. But as I returned I met her at the door, intending towithdraw for the night. I could not persuade her to go back: nor had Ipresence of mind (so full of complaisance as I was to her just before) tostay her by force: so she slid through my hands into her own apartment. Ihad nothing to do, therefore, but to let my former concert take place.
I should have promised (but care not for order of time, connection, orany thing else) that, between eight and nine in the evening, anotherservant of Lord M. on horseback came, to desire me to carry down with meDr. S., the old peer having been once (in extremis, as they judge he isnow) relieved and reprieved by him. I sent and engaged the doctor toaccompany me down: and am to call upon him by four this morning: or thedevil should have both my Lord and the Doctor, if I'd stir till I got allmade up.
Poke thy damn'd nose forward into the event, if thou wilt--Curse me ifthou shalt have it till its proper time and place. And too soon then.
She had hardly got into her chamber, but I found a little paper, as I wasgoing into mine, which I took up; and opening it, (for it was carefullypinned in another paper,) what should it be but a promissory note, givenas a bribe, with a further promise of a diamond ring, to induce Dorcas tofavour her mistress's escape?
How my temper changed in a moment!--Ring, ring, ring, ring, I my bell,with a violence enough to break the string, and as if the house were onfire.
Every devil frighted into active life: the whole house in an uproar. Upruns Will.--Sir--Sir--Sir!--Eyes goggling, mouth distended--Bid thedamn'd toad Dorcas come hither, (as I stood at the stair-head,) in ahorrible rage, and out of breath, cried I.
In sight came the trembling devil--but standing aloof, from the reportmade her by Will. of the passion I was in, as well as from what she hadheard.
Flash came out my sword immediately; for I had it ready on--Cursed,confounded, villanous bribery and corruption----
Up runs she to her lady's door, screaming out for safety and protection.
Good your honour, interposed Will., for God's sake!--O Lord, O Lord!--receiving a good cuff.--
Take that, varlet, for saving the ungrateful wretch from my vengeance.
Wretch! I intended to say; but if it were some other word of likeending, passion must be my excuse.
Up ran two or three of the sisterhood, What's the matter! What's thematter!
The matter! (for still my beloved opened not the door; on the contrary,drew another bolt,) This abominable Dorcas!--(call her aunt up!--let hersee what a traitress she has placed about me!--and let her bring the toadto answer for herself)--has taken a bribe, a provision for life, tobetray her trust; by that means to perpetuate a quarrel between a man andhis wife, and frustrate for ever all hopes of reconciliation between us!
Let me perish, Belford, if I have patience to proceed with the farce!
***
If I must resume, I must----
Up came the aunt, puffing and blowing--As she hoped for mercy, she wasnot privy to it! She never knew such a plotting, perverse lady in herlife!--Well might servants be at the pass they were, when such ladies asMrs. Lovelace made no conscience of corrupting them. For her part shedesired no mercy for the wretch; no niece of her's, if she were notfaithful to her trust!--But what was the proof?----
She was shown the paper----
But too evident!--Cursed, cursed toad, devil, jade, passed from eachmouth:--and the vileness of the corrupted, and the unworthiness of thecorruptress, were inveighed against.
Up we all went, passing the lady's door into the dining-room, to proceedto trial.----
Stamp, stamp, stamp up, each on her heels; rave, rave, rave, every tongue----
Bring up the creature before us all this instant!----
And would she have got out of the house, say you?--
These the noises and the speeches as we clattered by the door of the fairbribress.
Up was brought Dorcas (whimpering) between two, both bawling out--Youmust go--You shall go--'Tis fit you should answer for yourself--You are adiscredit to all worthy servants--as they pulled and pushed her upstairs.--She whining, I cannot see his honour--I cannot look so good andso generous a gentleman in the face--O how shall I bear my aunt'sravings?----
Come up, and be d--n'd--Bring her forward, her imperial judge--What aplague, it is the detection, not the crime, that confounds you. Youcould be quiet enough for days together, as I see by the date, under thevillany. Tell me, ungrateful devil, tell me who made the first advances?
Ay, disgrace to my family and blood, cried the old one--tell his honour--tell the truth!--Who made the first advances?----
Ay, cursed creature, cried Sally, who made the first advances?
I have betrayed one trust already!--O let me not betray another!--My ladyis a good lady!--O let not her suffer!--
Tell all you know. Tell the whole truth, Dorcas, cried Polly Horton.--His honour loves his lady too well to make her suffer much: little as sherequites his love!----
Every body sees that, cried Sally--too well, indeed, for his honour, Iwas going to say.
Till now, I thought she deserved my love--But to bribe a servant thus,who she supposed had orders to watch her steps, for fear of anotherelopement; and to impute that precaution to me as a crime!--Yet I mustlove her--Ladies, forgive my weakness!----
Curse upon my grimaces!--if I have patience to repeat them!--But thoushalt have it all--thou canst not despise me more than I despise myself!
***
But suppose, Sir, said Sally, you have my lady and the wench face toface! You see she cares not to confess.
O my carelessness! cried Dorcas--Don't let my poor la
dy suffer!--Indeed,if you all knew what I know, you would say her ladyship has been cruellytreated--
See, see, see, see!--repeatedly, every one at once--Only sorry for thedetection, as your honour said--not for the fault.
Cursed creature, and devilish creature, from every mouth.
Your lady won't, she dare not come out to save you, cried Sally; thoughit is more his honour's mercy, than your desert, if he does not cut yourvile throat this instant.
Say, repeated Polly, was it your lady that made the first advances, orwas it you, you creature----
If the lady had so much honour, bawled the mother, excuse me, so--Excuseme, Sir, [confound the old wretch! she had like to have said son!]--Ifthe lady has so much honour, as we have supposed, she will appear tovindicate a poor servant, misled, as she has been, by such largepromises!--But I hope, Sir, you will do them both justice: I hope youwill!--Good lack!--Good lack! clapping her hands together, to grant herevery thing she could ask--to indulge her in her unworthy hatred to mypoor innocent house!--to let her go to Hampstead, though your honour toldus, you could get no condescension from her; no, not the least--O Sir, OSir--I hope--I hope--if your lady will not come out--I hope you will finda way to hear this cause in her presence. I value not my doors on suchan occasion as this. Justice I ever loved. I desire you will come tothe bottom of it in clearance to me. I'll be sworn I had no privity inthis black corruption.
Just then we heard the lady's door, unbar, unlock, unbolt----
Now, Sir!
Now, Mr. Lovelace!
Now, Sir! from every encouraging mouth!----
But, O Jack! Jack! Jack! I can write no more!
***
If you must have it all, you must!
Now, Belford, see us all sitting in judgment, resolved to punish the fairbribress--I, and the mother, the hitherto dreaded mother, the niecesSally, Polly, the traitress Dorcas, and Mabell, a guard, as it were, overDorcas, that she might not run away, and hide herself:--allpre-determined, and of necessity pre-determined, from the journey I wasgoing to take, and my precarious situation with her--and hear her unbolt,unlock, unbar, the door; then, as it proved afterwards, put the key intothe lock on the outside, lock the door, and put it in her pocket--Will. Iknew, below, who would give me notice, if, while we were all above, sheshould mistake her way, and go down stairs, instead of coming into thedining-room: the street-door also doubly secured, and every shutter to thewindows round the house fastened, that no noise or screaming should beheard--[such was the brutal preparation]--and then hear her step towardsus, and instantly see her enter among us, confiding in her own innocence;and with a majesty in her person and manner, that is natural to her; butwhich then shone out in all its glory!--Every tongue silent, every eyeawed, every heart quaking, mine, in a particular manner sunk, throbless,and twice below its usual region, to once at my throat:--a shamefulrecreant:--She silent too, looking round her, first on me; then on themother, no longer fearing her; then on Sally, Polly, and the culpritDorcas!--such the glorious power of innocence exerted at that awfulmoment!
She would have spoken, but could not, looking down my guilt intoconfusion. A mouse might have been heard passing over the floor: her ownlight feet and rustling silks could not have prevented it; for she seemedto tread air, and to be all soul. She passed backwards and forwards, nowtowards me, now towards the door several times, before speech could getthe better of indignation; and at last, after twice or thrice hemming torecover her articulate voice--'O thou contemptible and abandonedLovelace, thinkest thou that I see not through this poor villanous plotof thine, and of these thy wicked accomplices?
'Thou, woman, [looking at the mother] once my terror! always my dislike!but now my detestation! shouldst once more (for thine perhaps was thepreparation) have provided for me intoxicating potions, to rob me of mysenses----
'And then, thus, wretch, [turning to me,] mightest thou more securelyhave depended upon such a low contrivance as this!
'And ye, vile women, who perhaps have been the ruin, body and soul, ofhundreds of innocents, (you show me how, in full assembly,) know, that Iam not married--ruined as I am, by your help, I bless God, I am notmarried to this miscreant--and I have friends that will demand my honourat your hands!--and to whose authority I will apply; for none has thisman over me. Look to it then, what farther insults you offer me, orincite him to offer me. I am a person, though thus vilely betrayed, ofrank and fortune. I never will be his; and, to your utter ruin, willfind friends to pursue you: and now I have this full proof of yourdetestable wickedness, and have heard your base incitements, will haveno mercy upon you!'
They could not laugh at the poor figure I made.--Lord! how every devil,conscience-shaken, trembled!--
What a dejection must ever fall to the lot of guilt, were it given toinnocence always thus to exert itself!
'And as for thee, thou vile Dorcas! Thou double deceiver!--whining outthy pretended love for me!--Begone, wretch!--Nobody will hurt thee!--Begone, I say!--thou has too well acted thy part to be blamed by any herebut myself--thou art safe: thy guilt is thy security in such a house asthis!--thy shameful, thy poor part, thou hast as well acted as the lowfarce could give thee to act!--as well as they each of them (thysuperiors, though not thy betters), thou seest, can act theirs.--Stealaway into darkness! No inquiry after this will be made, whose the firstadvances, thine or mine.'
And, as I hope to live, the wench, confoundedly frightened, slunk away;so did her sentinel Mabell; though I, endeavouring to rally, cried outfor Dorcas to stay--but I believe the devil could not have stopt her,when an angel bid her begone.
Madam, said I, let me tell you; and was advancing towards her with afierce aspect, most cursedly vexed, and ashamed too----
But she turned to me: 'Stop where thou art, O vilest and most abandonedof men!--Stop where thou art!--nor, with that determined face, offer totouch me, if thou wouldst not that I should be a corps at thy feet!'
To my astonishment, she held forth a penknife in her hand, the point toher own bosom, grasping resolutely the whole handle, so that there was nooffering to take it from her.
'I offer not mischief to any body but myself. You, Sir, and ye women,are safe from every violence of mine. The LAW shall be all my resource:the LAW,' and she spoke the word with emphasis, the LAW! that to suchpeople carries natural terror with it, and now struck a panic into them.
No wonder, since those who will damn themselves to procure ease andplenty in this world, will tremble at every thing that seems to threatentheir methods of obtaining that ease and plenty.----
'The LAW only shall be my refuge!'----
The infamous mother whispered me, that it were better to make terms withthis strange lady, and let her go.
Sally, notwithstanding all her impudent bravery at other times, said, IfMr. Lovelace had told them what was not true, of her being his wife----
And Polly Horton, That she must needs say, the lady, if she were not mywife, had been very much injured; that was all.
That is not now a matter to be disputed, cried I: you and I know, Madam----
'We do, said she; and I thank God, I am not thine--once more I thank Godfor it--I have no doubt of the farther baseness that thou hast intendedme, by this vile and low trick: but I have my SENSES, Lovelace: and frommy heart I despise thee, thou very poor Lovelace!--How canst thou standin my presence!--Thou, that'----
Madam, Madam, Madam--these are insults not to be borne--and wasapproaching her.
She withdrew to the door, and set her back against it, holding thepointed knife to her heaving bosom; while the women held me, beseechingme not to provoke the violent lady--for their house sake, and be curs'dto them, they besought me--and all three hung upon me--while the trulyheroic lady braved me at that distance:
'Approach me, Lovelace, with resentment, if thou wilt. I dare die. Itis in defence of my honour. God will be merciful to my poor soul! Iexpect no more mercy from thee! I have gained this distance, and twosteps nearer me, and thou shalt see what I da
re do!'----
Leave me, women, to myself, and to my angel!--[They retired at adistance.]--O my beloved creature, how you terrify me! Holding out myarms, and kneeling on one knee--not a step, not a step farther, except toreceive my death at that injured hand which is thus held up against alife far dearer to me than my own! I am a villain! the blackest ofvillains!--Say you will sheath your knife in the injurer's, not theinjured's heart, and then will I indeed approach you, but not else.
The mother twanged her d--n'd nose; and Sally and Polly pulled out theirhandkerchiefs, and turned from us. They never in their lives, they toldme afterwards, beheld such a scene----
Innocence so triumphant: villany so debased, they must mean!
Unawares to myself, I had moved onward to my angel--'And dost thou, dostthou, still disclaiming, still advancing--dost thou, dost thou, stillinsidiously move towards me?'--[And her hand was extended] 'I dare--Idare--not rashly neither--my heart from principle abhors the act, whichthou makest necessary!--God, in thy mercy! [lifting up her eyes andhands] God, in thy mercy!'
I threw myself to the farther end of the room. An ejaculation, a silentejaculation, employing her thoughts that moment; Polly says the whites ofher lovely eyes were only visible: and, in the instant that she extendedher hand, assuredly to strike the fatal blow, [how the very recitalterrifies me!] she cast her eye towards me, and saw me at the utmostdistance the room would allow, and heard my broken voice--my voice wasutterly broken; nor knew I what I said, or whether to the purpose or not--and her charming cheeks, that were all in a glow before, turned pale,as if terrified at her own purpose; and lifting up her eyes--'Thank God!--thank God! said the angel--delivered for the present; for the presentdelivered--from myself--keep, Sir, that distance;' [looking down towardsme, who was prostrate on the floor, my heart pierced, as with an hundreddaggers;] 'that distance has saved a life; to what reserved, the Almightyonly knows!'--
To be happy, Madam; and to make happy!--And, O let me hope for yourfavour for to-morrow--I will put off my journey till then--and may God--
Swear not, Sir!--with an awful and piercing aspect--you have too oftensworn!--God's eye is upon us!--His more immediate eye; and looked wildly.--But the women looked up to the ceiling, as if afraid of God's eye, andtrembled. And well they might, and I too, who so very lately had each ofus the devil in our hearts.
If not to-morrow, Madam, say but next Thursday, your uncle's birth-day;say but next Thursday!
'This I say, of this you may assure yourself, I never, never will beyour's.--And let me hope, that I may be entitled to the performance ofyour promise, to be permitted to leave this innocent house, as one calledit, (but long have my ears been accustomed to such inversions of words),as soon as the day breaks.'
Did my perdition depend upon it, that you cannot, Madam, but upon terms.And I hope you will not terrify me--still dreading the accursed knife.
'Nothing less than an attempt upon my honour shall make me desperate. Ihave no view but to defend my honour: with such a view only I enteredinto treaty with your infamous agent below. The resolution you haveseen, I trust, God will give me again, upon the same occasion. But for aless, I wish not for it.--Only take notice, women, that I am no wife ofthis man: basely as he has used me, I am not his wife. He has noauthority over me. If he go away by-and-by, and you act by his authorityto detain me, look to it.'
Then, taking one of the lights, she turned from us; and away she went,unmolested.--Not a soul was able to molest her.
Mabell saw her, tremblingly, and in a hurry, take the key of herchamber-door out of her pocket, and unlock it; and, as soon as sheentered, heard her double-lock, bar, and bolt it.
By her taking out her key, when she came out of her chamber to us, she nodoubt suspected my design: which was, to have carried her in my armsthither, if she made such force necessary, after I had intimidated her; andto have been her companion for that night.
She was to have had several bedchamber-women to assist to undress herupon occasion: but from the moment she entered the dining-room with somuch intrepidity, it was absolutely impossible to think of prosecuting myvillanous designs against her.
***
This, this, Belford, was the hand I made of a contrivance from which Iexpected so much!--And now I am ten times worse off than before.
Thou never sawest people in thy life look so like fools upon one another,as the mother, her partners, and I, did, for a few minutes. And at last,the two devilish nymphs broke out into insulting ridicule upon me; whilethe old wretch was concerned for her house, the reputation of her house.I cursed them all together; and, retiring to my chamber, locked myselfin.
And now it is time to set out: all I have gained, detection, disgrace,fresh guilt by repeated perjuries, and to be despised by her I doat upon;and, what is still worse to a proud heart, by myself.
Success, success in projects, is every thing. What an admirablecontriver did I think myself till now! Even for this scheme among therest! But how pitifully foolish does it now appear to me!--Scratch out,erase, never to be read, every part of my preceding letters, where I haveboastingly mentioned it. And never presume to rally me upon the cursedsubject: for I cannot bear it.
But for the lady, by my soul, I love her. I admire her more than ever!I must have her. I will have her still--with honour or without, as Ihave often vowed. My cursed fright at her accidental bloody nose, solately, put her upon improving upon me thus. Had she threatened ME, Ishould have soon been master of one arm, and in both! But for so sincerea virtue to threaten herself, and not to offer to intimidate any other,and with so much presence of mind, as to distinguish, in the verypassionate intention, the necessity of the act, defence of her honour,and so fairly to disavow lesser occasions: showed such a deliberation,such a choice, such a principle; and then keeping me so watchfully at adistance that I could not seize her hand, so soon as she could have giventhe fatal blow; how impossible not to be subdued by so true and sodiscreet a magnanimity!
But she is not gone. She shall not go. I will press her with lettersfor the Thursday. She shall yet be mine, legally mine. For, as tocohabitation, there is no such thing to be thought of.
The Captain shall give her away, as proxy for her uncle. My Lord willdie. My fortune will help my will, and set me above every thing andevery body.
But here is the curse--she despises me, Jack!--What man, as I haveheretofore said, can bear to be despised--especially by his wife!--OLord!--O Lord! What a hand, what a cursed hand, have I made of thisplot!--And here ends
The history of the lady and the penknife!--The devil take the penknife!--It goes against me to say,
God bless the lady!
NEAR 5, SAT. MORN.