LETTER XXXII
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWEFRIDAY, AUG. 25.
You are very obliging, my dear Miss Howe, to account to me for yoursilence. I was easy in it, as I doubted not that, among such near anddear friends as you are with, you was diverted from writing by some suchagreeable excursion as that you mention.
I was in hopes that you had given over, at this time of day, those verysprightly airs, which I have taken the liberty to blame you for, as oftenas you have given me occasion to so do; and that has been very often.
I was always very grave with you upon this subject: and while your ownand a worthy man's future happiness are in the question, I must enterinto it, whenever you forget yourself, although I had not a day to live:and indeed I am very ill.
I am sure it was not your intention to take your future husband with youto the little island to make him look weak and silly among those of yourrelations who never before had seen him. Yet do you think it possiblefor them (however prepared and resolved they may be to like him) toforbear smiling at him, when they see him suffering under your whimsicalpenances? A modest man should no more be made little in his own eyes,than in the eyes of others. If he be, he will have a diffidence, whichwill give an awkwardness to every thing he says or does; and this will beno more to the credit of your choice than to that of the approbation hemeets with from your friends, or to his own credit.
I love an obliging, and even an humble, deportment in a man to the womanhe addresses. It is a mark of his politeness, and tends to give her thatopinion of herself, which it may be supposed bashful merit wants to beinspired with. But if the woman exacts it with an high hand, she showsnot either her own politeness or gratitude; although I must confess shedoes her courage. I gave you expectations that I would be very seriouswith you.
O my dear, that it had been my lot (as I was not permitted to livesingle,) to have met with a man by whom I could have acted generously andunreservedly!
Mr. Lovelace, it is now plain, in order to have a pretence against me,taxed my behaviour to him with stiffness and distance. You, at one time,thought me guilty of some degree of prudery. Difficult situations shouldbe allowed for: which often make seeming occasions for censureunavoidable. I deserved not blame from him who made mine difficult. Andyou, my dear, had I any other man to deal with, or had he but half themerit which Mr. Hickman has, would have found that my doctrine on thissubject should have governed my practice.
But to put myself out of the question--I'll tell you what I should think,were I an indifferent by-stander, of those high airs of your's, in returnfor Mr. Hickman's humble demeanour. 'The lady thinks of having thegentleman, I see plainly, would I say. But I see as plainly, that shehas a very great indifference to him. And to what may this indifferencebe owing? To one or all of these considerations, no doubt: that shereceives his addresses rather from motives of convenience than choice:that she thinks meanly of his endowments and intellects; at least morehighly of her own: or, she has not the generosity to use that power withmoderation, which his great affection for her puts into her hands.'
How would you like, my dear, to have any of these things said?
Then to give but the shadow of a reason for free-livers and free speakersto say, or to imagine, that Miss Howe gives her hand to a man who has noreason to expect any share in her heart, I am sure you would not wishthat such a thing should be so much as supposed. Then all the regardfrom you to come afterwards; none to be shown before; must, should Ithink, be capable of being construed as a compliment to the husband, madeat the expense of the wife's and even of the sex's delicacy!
There is no fear that attempts could be formed by the most audacious [twoLovelaces there cannot be!] upon a character so revered for virtue, andso charmingly spirited, as Miss Howe's: yet, to have any man encouragedto despise a husband by the example of one who is most concerned to dohim honour; what, my dear, think you of that? It is but too natural forenvious men (and who that knows Miss Howe, will not envy Mr. Hickman!) toscoff at, and to jest upon, those who are treated with or will bearindignity from a woman.
If a man so treated have a true and ardent love for the woman headdresses, he will be easily overawed by her displeasure: and this willput him upon acts of submission, which will be called meanness. And whatwoman of true spirit would like to have it said, that she would imposeany thing upon the man from whom she one day expects protection anddefence, that should be capable of being construed as a meanness, orunmanly abjectness in his behaviour, even to herself?--Nay, I am notsure, and I ask it of you, my dear, to resolve me, whether, in your ownopinion, it is not likely, that a woman of spirit will despise ratherthan value more, the man who will take patiently an insult at her hands;especially before company.
I have always observed, that prejudices in disfavour of a person at hisfirst appearance, fix deeper, and are much more difficult to be removedwhen fixed, than that malignant principle so eminently visible in littleminds, which makes them wish to bring down the more worthy characters totheir own low level, I pretend not to determine. When once, therefore, awoman of your good sense gives room to the world to think she has not anhigh opinion of the lover, whom nevertheless she entertains, it will bevery difficult for her afterwards to make that world think so well as shewould have it of the husband she has chosen.
Give me leave to observe, that to condescend with dignity, and to commandwith such kindness, and sweetness of manners, as should let thecondescension, while in a single state, be seen and acknowledged, arepoints, which a wise woman, knowing her man, should aim at: and a wisewoman, I should think, would choose to live single all her life ratherthan give herself to a man whom she thinks unworthy of a treatment sonoble.
But when a woman lets her lover see that she has the generosity toapprove of and reward a well-meant service; that she has a mind thatlifts her above the little captious follies, which some (toolicentiously, I hope,) attribute to the sex in general: that she resentsnot (if ever she thinks she has reason to be displeased) with petulance,or through pride: nor thinks it necessary to insist upon little points,to come at or secure great ones, perhaps not proper to be aimed at: norleaves room to suppose she has so much cause to doubt her own merit, asto put the love of the man she intends to favour upon disagreeable orarrogant trials: but let reason be the principal guide of her actions--she will then never fail of that true respect, of that sincereveneration, which she wishes to meet with; and which will make herjudgment after marriage consulted, sometimes with a preference to a man'sown; at other times as a delightful confirmation of his.
And so much, my beloved Miss Howe, for this subject now, and I dare say,for ever!
I will begin another letter by-and-by, and send both together. Meantime, I am, &c.