LETTER LXI
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.LINTZ, | NOV. 28. | DEC. 9.
I am now on my way to Trent, in order to meet Colonel Morden, inpursuance of his answer to my letter enclosed in my last. I had beenat Presburgh, and had intended to visit some other cities of Hungary:but having obliged myself to return first to Vienna, I there met withhis letter, which follows:
MUNICH, | NOV. 21. | DEC. 2.
SIR,
Your letter was at Florence four days before I arrived there.
That I might not appear unworthy of your favour, I set out for this citythe very next morning. I knew not but that the politeness of this courtmight have engaged, beyond his intention, a gentleman who has only hispleasure to pursue.
But being disappointed in my hope of finding you here, it becomes me toacquaint you, that I have such a desire to stand well in the opinion of aman of your spirit, that I cannot hesitate a moment upon the option,which I am sure Mr. Lovelace in my situation (thus called upon) wouldmake.
I own, Sir, that I have on all occasions, spoken of your treatment of myever-dear cousin as it deserved. It would have been very surprising if Ihad not And it behoves me (now you have given me so noble an opportunityof explaining myself) to convince you, that no words fell from my lips,of you, merely because you were absent. I acquaint you, therefore, thatI will attend your appointment; and would, were it to the farthest partof the globe.
I shall stay some days at this court; and if you please to direct for meat M. Klienfurt's in this city, whether I remain here or not, yourcommands will come safely and speedily to the hands of, Sir,
Your most humble servant,WM. MORDEN.
***
So you see, Belford, that the Colonel by his ready, his eveneagerly-expressed acceptance of the offered interview, was determined.And is it not much better to bring such a point as this to an issue,than to give pain to friends for my safety, or continue in suspensemyself; as I must do, if I imagined that another had aught against me?
This was my reply:
VIENNA, | NOV. 25. | DEC. 6.
SIR,
I have this moment the favour of your's. I will suspend a tour I wasgoing to take into Hungary, and instantly set out for Munich; and, if Ican find you not there, will proceed on to Trent. This city, being onthe confines of Italy, will be most convenient, as I presume, to you, inyour return to Tuscany; and I shall hope to meet you in it on the 3/14thof December.
I shall bring with me only a French valet and an English footman. Otherparticulars may be adjusted when I have the honour to see you. Tillwhen, I am, Sir,
Your most obedient servant,R. LOVELACE.
***
Now, Jack, I have no manner of apprehension of the event of this meeting.And I think I must say he seeks me out; not I him. And so let him takethe consequence.
What is infinitely nearer to my heart, is, my ingratitude to the mostexcellent of women--My premeditated ingratitude!--Yet all the whileenabled to distinguish and to adore her excellencies, in spite of themean opinion of the sex which I had imbibed from early manhood.
But this lady has asserted the worthiness of her sex, and most gloriouslyhas she exalted it with me now. Yet, surely, as I have said and writtenan hundred times, there cannot be such another woman.
But as my loss in her departure is the greatest of any man's, and as shewas dearer to me than to any other person in the world, and once sheherself wished to be so, what an insolence in any man breathing topretend to avenge her on me!--Happy! happy! thrice happy! had I known howto value, as I ought to have valued, the glory of such a preference!
I will not aggravate to myself this aggravation of the Colonel'spretending to call me to account for my treatment of a lady so much myown, lest, in the approaching interview, my heart should relent for oneso nearly related to her, and who means honour and justice to her memory;and I should thereby give him advantages which otherwise he cannot have.For I know that I shall be inclined to trust to my skill, to save a manwho was so much and so justly valued by her; and shall be loath to giveway to my resentment, as a threatened man. And in this respect only I amsorry for his skill, and his courage, lest I should be obliged, in my owndefence, to add a chalk to a score that is already too long.
***
Indeed, indeed, Belford, I am, and shall be, to my latest hour, the mostmiserable of beings. Such exalted generosity!--Why didst thou put intomy craving hands the copy of her will? Why sentest thou to me theposthumous letter?--What thou I was earnest to see the will? thou knewestwhat they both were [I did not]; and that it would be cruel to oblige me.
The meeting of twenty Colonel Mordens, were there twenty to meet in turn,would be nothing to me, would not give me a moment's concern, as to myown safety: but my reflections upon my vile ingratitude to so superior anexcellence will ever be my curse.
Had she been a Miss Howe to me, and treated me as if I were a Hickman, Ihad had a call for revenge; and policy (when I had intended to be anhusband) might have justified my attempts to humble her. But a meek andgentle temper was her's, though a true heroine, whenever honour or virtuecalled for an exertion of spirit.
Nothing but my cursed devices stood in the way of my happiness.Remembrest thou not how repeatedly, from the first, I poured cold waterupon her rising flame, by meanly and ungratefully turning upon her theinjunctions, which virgin delicacy, and filial duty, induced her to layme under before I got her into my power?*
* See Vol. III. Letter XV. See also Letters XVII. XLV. XLVI. of thatvolume, and many other places.
Did she not tell me, and did I not know it, if she had not told me, thatshe could not be guilty of affectation or tyranny to the man whom sheintended to marry?* I knew, as she once upbraided me, that from the timeI had got her from her father's house, I had a plain path before me.**True did she say, and I triumphed in the discovery, that from that timeI held her soul in suspense an hundred times.*** My ipecacuanha trialalone was enough to convince an infidel that she had a mind in which loveand tenderness would have presided, had I permitted the charming buds toput forth and blow.****
* See Vol. V. Letter XXXIV.--It may be observed further, that allClarissa's occasional lectures to Miss Howe, on that young lady'streatment of Mr. Hickman, prove that she was herself above affectationand tyranny.--See, more particularly, the advice she gives to thatfriend of her heart, Letter XXXII. of Vol. VIII.--'O my dear,' says she,in that Letter, 'that it had been my lot (as I was not permitted to livesingle) to have met with a man by whom I could have acted generously andunreservedly!' &c. &c.** See Vol. V. Letters XXVI. and XXXIV.*** Ibid. Letter XXXIV.**** See Vol. V. Letters II. III.
She would have had no reserve, as once she told me, had I given her causeof doubt.* And did she not own to thee, that once she could have lovedme; and, could she have made me good, would have made me happy?** O,Belford! here was love; a love of the noblest kind! A love, as she hintsin her posthumous letter,*** that extended to the soul; and which she notonly avowed in her dying hours, but contrived to let me know it afterdeath, in that letter filled with warnings and exhortations, which hadfor their sole end my eternal welfare!
* Ibid. Letter XXXVI.** See Vol. VIII. Letter LXIV.*** See Letter XXXVI. of this volume.
The cursed women, indeed, endeavoured to excite my vengeance, and mypride, by preaching to me of me. And my pride was, at times, too muchexcited by their vile insinuations. But had it even been as they said;well might she, who had been used to be courted and admired by everydesiring eye, and worshipped by every respectful heart--well might sucha woman be allowed to draw back, when she found herself kept in suspense,as to the great question of all, by a designing and intriguing spirit;pretending awe and distance, as reasons for reining-in a fervour, which,if real, cannot be reined-in--Divine creature! Her very doubts, herreserves, (so justly doubting,) would have been my assurance, and myglory!--And what other trial needed her virtue! What other needed apurity so angelic, (blessed with such a command in her
passions in thebloom of youth,) had I not been a villain--and a wanton, a conceited, aproud fool, as well as a villain?
These reflections sharpened, rather than their edge by time abated,accompany me in whatever I do, and wherever I go; and mingle with allmy diversions and amusements. And yet I go into gay and splendidcompany. I have made new acquaintance in the different courts I havevisited. I am both esteemed and sought after, by persons of rank andmerit. I visit the colleges, the churches, the palaces. I frequentthe theatre: am present at every public exhibition; and see all that isworth seeing, that I had not see before, in the cabinets of the curious:am sometimes admitted to the toilette of an eminent toast, and make onewith distinction at the assemblies of others--yet can think of nothing,nor of any body, with delight, but of my CLARISSA. Nor have I seen onewoman with advantage to herself, but as she resembles, in stature, air,complexion, voice, or in some feature, that charmer, that only charmerof my soul.
What greater punishment, than to have these astonishing perfections,which she was mistress of, strike my remembrance with such force, when Ihave nothing left me but the remorse of having deprived myself and theworld of such a blessing? Now and then, indeed, am I capable of a gleamof comfort, arising (not ungenerously) from the moral certainty which Ihave of her everlasting happiness, in spite of all the machinations anddevices which I set on foot to ensnare her virtue, and to bring down sopure a mind to my own level.
For can I be, at worst, [avert that worst, O thou SUPREME, who only canst avert it!] So much a wretch, so very far abandon'd, But that I must, even in the horrid's gloom, Reap intervenient joy, at least some respite, From pain and anguish, in her bliss.--
***
If I find myself thus miserable abroad, I will soon return to England,and follow your example, I think--turn hermit, or some plaguy thing orother, and see what a constant course of penitence and mortification willdo for me. There is no living at this rate--d--n me if there be!
If any mishap should befal me, you'll have the particulars of it from Dela Tour. He indeed knows but little English; but every modern tongue isyour's. He is a trusty and ingenious fellow; and, if any thing happen,will have some other papers, which I have already sealed up, for you totransmit to Lord M. And since thou art so expert and so ready atexecutorships, pr'ythee, Belford, accept of the office for me, as well asfor my Clarissa--CLARISSA LOVELACE let me call her.
By all that's good, I am bewitched to her memory. Her very name, withmine joined to it, ravishes my soul, and is more delightful to me thanthe sweetest music.
Had I carried her [I must still recriminate] to any other place than thataccursed woman's--for the potion was her invention and mixture; and allthe persisted-in violence was at her instigation, and at that of herwretched daughters, who have now amply revenged upon me their own ruin,which they lay at my door--
But this looks so like the confession of a thief at the gallows, thatpossibly thou wilt be apt to think I am intimidated in prospect of theapproaching interview. But far otherwise. On the contrary, mostcheerfully do I go to meet the Colonel; and I would tear my heart outof my breast with my own hands, were it capable of fear or concern onthat account.
Thus much only I know, that if I should kill him, [which I will not do,if I can help it,] I shall be far from being easy in my mind; that shallI never more be. But as the meeting is evidently of his own seeking,against an option fairly given to the contrary, and I cannot avoid it,I'll think of that hereafter. It is but repenting and mortifying for allat once; for I am sure of victory, as I am that I now live, let him beever so skillful a swordsman; since, besides that I am no unfleshednovice, this is a sport that, when provoked to it, I love as well as myfood. And, moreover, I shall be as calm and undisturbed as the bishop athis prayers; while he, as is evident by his letter, must be actuated byrevenge and passion.
Doubt not, therefore, Jack, that I shall give a good account of thisaffair. Mean time, I remain,
Your's most affectionately, &c.LOVELACE.