She pondered as to whether she would have stayed with Stephanie if she’d found out at a younger age that she was not her mother. Then she recalled that her father had left her as well as Stephanie. She would not have been able to go to him. She didn’t want to think about that, it made her feel as though she didn’t belong anywhere.
She lay awake for hours, unable to close her eyes; almost as if she thought that by closing her eyes she would be losing control of an already turbulent situation. She wanted to keep a tight grip so that nothing else would change.
Alice wished that she had never thought about looking for her father. Her life had been so much easier before. She had opened a door into a world which had been left abandoned for years. There were secrets, dark shadows and uncertainties behind the door. Alice was gripped by fear. She knew she could not go back now. She needed to find out about her father. It had changed from a want to a need. She would have to face her fears...
Chapter Nine
Tuesday 19th August 1997
When Alice awoke, her thoughts immediately went back to the night before. She could not escape the memory that entered her mind, like a heavy weight landing on top of her. The strongest emotion she could feel was helplessness as if she were floating in a vast empty space with no control over where her life was going. Anxiety consumed her, and she felt afraid to face the day.
I’m not your mother... I’m not your mother... the finality of those words, the absurdity of the words; they circled around in her mind, taunting her. But how could that be? Surely it had been a dream?
Forcing herself out of bed, she went to the wardrobe and opened it trying to concentrate her mind on doing the normal things; getting dressed, having breakfast—but those words were still there. Stephanie’s eyes, red from crying, were clear in her mind. Maybe it was a dream, hope battled against hope. Maybe I’m still dreaming? Turmoil raged through her mind. What is real? Who am I?
Looking through her wardrobe, but not really looking, her hand touched the soft velvet of her favourite black dress, and suddenly a memory sprang to mind, waking her from her semiconscious state. She remembered that she had agreed to go to Frank’s friend’s birthday party this evening; she had planned to wear this dress. Walking over to her dressing table mirror, the only thing she could think of was that she had hardly slept... I’ll look terrible. Thoughts of Andrew appeared in her mind—perfect, handsome Andrew. She sat in front of the mirror and saw that she looked pale and tired. Her eyes were red and puffy with dark circles surrounding them.
Up until yesterday evening, she had been looking forward to the party... to seeing Andrew again. Now, she wanted to hide away. He can’t see me like this. Depression overwhelmed her. Through her eyes, the ghosts of her feelings were transparently gazing out at the world. The shock, disillusionment and disappointment were obvious and etched into her face. She was a portrait of her anguish.
She stood up and approached the phone at her bedside table. She resolved to call Jenny and tell her she was too ill to attend the party. It would help that she had been crying so much; her voice would sound suitably croaky.
‘Hello.’ Jenny answered the phone in her jovial voice.
‘Oh, hello, Jen, it’s me.’
‘Alice, hi! Have you just woken up? Your voice sounds different!’
‘Er... I’m not feeling well—’
‘Oh, no! You’re not phoning to say you can’t come to the party, are you? Please, don’t say that!’
Alice felt weak, as though she would cry if she spoke further. Staying in this flat would not help her get over the pain. She wanted to see Jenny. Jenny always had a way of lifting her spirits.
‘Allie?’
Alice took a deep breath. ‘Um... I’ll come to the party.’
‘Great! So, are you looking forward to seeing Andrew again?’
‘Yeah!’ said Alice, trying to sound enthusiastic.
‘So, what were you phoning about?’
‘Er... just wanted to check what time you’d be picking me up.’
‘Oh. I think we agreed about eight, didn’t we?’
‘Oh, yeah, I forgot.’
‘Okay, well, I’ll see you tonight! And remember to dress up!’
‘Yeah, see you later.’
Alice hung up the phone and walked back to the dressing table. Taking another look at her reflection, she began to cry.
Trying to focus her mind on the upcoming party, she told herself: It’s what I need; to take my mind off everything. She spent the rest of the day tidying up her flat, whilst listening to loud music, in an attempt to stop herself thinking too much.
As the time came closer for Jenny and Frank to collect her, she began to feel increasingly nervous. She worried that if she had a few too many to drink, she might accidentally tell Jenny—or even someone else at the party—what Stephanie had revealed to her. The last thing she wanted to do was to tell anyone; it felt like a dark, embarrassing secret that she wanted to keep locked away.
At 8.05 p.m., the doorbell rang. Jenny was standing outside. As soon as she saw Alice she jumped forward and gave her a hug: ‘Hi Allie! Wow! You look great!’
‘Thanks,’ said Alice, surprised at the compliment. When she’d looked in the mirror a few moments before, she’d let out a sigh and wished she owned some make-up so she could try to cover up the signs of her sorrow.
‘Come on!’ said Jenny, ‘Frank’s waiting in the car.’
‘I’ll just get my jacket.’ Alice played nervously with the string of fake pearls she wore around her neck. Walking towards the coat rack, she took one last look in the mirror by the door and noticed the sadness in her eyes. Frowning, she smoothed her hand along a crinkle that had formed in her velvet dress when she’d been sitting down, pulled on her jacket and ran out of the door, trying not to think.
Once inside the car, Jenny began to talk enthusiastically about the party and the people they would be likely to see there. Surprising herself, Alice joined in with the chatter and began to feel almost normal again.
They arrived at the party at about 9 p.m. There were already many people at the house, and loud music was blaring from large speakers in the front room. The atmosphere was smoky in the living room. Alice looked around her at the people who were laughing and dancing. There were a few faces she recognised from university.
A tall, attractive dark-haired boy approached them. ‘Frank! Glad you made it, mate! Jen! Hi, how are you?’ He leaned forward and kissed Jenny on the cheek.
‘I’m great!’ shouted Jenny, over the music.
‘Tony,’ said Frank, to the boy who had greeted them, ‘this is Alice; Jen’s friend.’ He put an arm around Alice.
‘Hello, Alice, pleased to meet you,’ said Tony extending a hand to shake hers. ‘I’m Tony! It’s my party—’
‘And I’ll cry if I want to,’ said Frank, teasing.
‘Oh, shut up, Frank,’ said Tony, laughing.
‘Nice to meet you,’ said Alice, shaking his hand, although she was not sure her voice was heard above the sound of the music blaring. ‘Happy Birthday!’ she said, almost shouting the words.
‘Thanks!’ Tony smiled, then he looked into her eyes as if trying to remember something. ‘Have we met before?’
‘Um... I don’t think so,’ said Alice, unsure.
‘You old charmer,’ said Frank, laughing.
‘No, seriously, Frank; I thought I recognised her.’ He paused. Then it was as if a light bulb sparked in his eyes. ‘Oh! I know! You look like one of my sister’s friends: Jane. She’ll be at the party. You might see her; then you’ll know what I mean. Blimey, you two could be sisters!’
Alice froze. Jane? Jane Forester? Is she coming to the party? She watched as Frank handed Tony the bottle of wine they had brought with them, and the two boys disappeared into the crowd of people dancing in the middle of the room. Alice looked around the room, frantically searching for the girl who looked like her. Then, she sighed; the whole point of coming to this party had been to try
to stop thinking about everything her mother had said, and about looking for her father. All she had wanted to do was enjoy herself. She felt someone poke her in the arm. It was Jenny.
‘Look,’ said Jenny.
Alice had to read her lips because the music was now even louder. Then Jenny said something else, which Alice didn’t catch.
‘What?’ she said, leaning closer to her. ‘I can’t hear a thing.’
She then saw Jenny pointing towards the door. Andrew had arrived. Alice smiled at Jenny, but when she looked back at Andrew, she saw that he hadn’t arrived alone. He was with a very attractive girl: she was tall and slim with long, wavy brown hair. Andrew said something to the girl and they both laughed. They seemed happy. Alice frowned. When she looked back at Jenny, she could see the disappointment in Jenny’s eyes. Alice could not help taking one more look at Andrew. When she looked again, she saw him kiss the beautiful girl on the cheek, and then gave up hope of anything happening between herself and Andrew.
In the past, she had wondered whether Andrew had a girlfriend. Somehow, she’d imagined she would be devastated if she found out he was already in a relationship. She began to wonder why she didn’t feel more disappointed now; after all, she had spent the past few months thinking about him and what it would be like if they were together. It was a dream that she had hoped would come true; but right now she felt nothing. It didn’t seem to bother her.
‘I’ll get us a drink,’ said Jenny, during a rare quiet time between songs. ‘The night is still young. There are lots of boys at this party. Forget about Andrew.’
Alice smiled at her friend as she watched her walk away. She began to ponder the reasons why she no longer seemed to care about finding love. Perhaps what Stephanie had told her had affected her in more ways than she had suspected. It was as though her feelings and emotions were switched off. Maybe last night’s revelation had turned a page in her life, so she was now a different person. The old Alice had been in love with Andrew, she had been Stephanie’s daughter, she knew who she was. The new Alice had no identity; this new Alice had never known Andrew or had any dreams about him. Her past life had been wiped away and now she had entered an undiscovered world where she would have to find her way alone.
Jenny returned with the drinks. She handed Alice a plastic cup of red wine. ‘Drink up, and forget!’ she said smiling. ‘Andrew’s not that great anyway. There are plenty more fish in the sea!’
Alice sipped on her wine. Somehow, she could not agree with Jenny’s statement. She had never seen Andrew look better than he did tonight.
Jenny leaned closer to her and said: ‘What do you think of Tony? He’s nice, isn’t he? And, he’s single.’
Alice smiled, whilst thinking that she didn’t really want a relationship at the moment.
‘Oh, I can see Frank calling me. I won’t be long,’ said Jenny, disappearing off to the other side of the room.
Alice stood alone feeling like an alien as she watched the crowd of partygoers. Everyone here seemed so happy; she didn’t feel that she belonged. She drank her cup of wine quickly and went to get another drink. Perhaps with a few more drinks inside her, she would be able to stop thinking so much. She found a table at the side of the room that displayed bowls of crisps and other snacks, along with bottles of wine, cheap champagne, beer cans, etc. She found a bottle of wine that was almost full and poured some into her cup. After drinking it all in one go, she felt foolish, realising that she was in no fit state to get drunk. What if she then started to tell everyone about what Stephanie had told her? It was on the tip of her tongue as it was; all the thoughts flooded her mind, until it felt that they could almost fall out if she didn’t keep her mouth shut. She placed the bottle of wine on the table, but then decided to fill up her cup again as the warm feeling of daze began to fall upon her after the first couple of cups of wine. Her mind was beginning to feel hazy, just as she wanted it to feel. She needed more wine, to keep up that trancelike state. This time, she promised herself she would sip the wine, rather than downing it at once. She turned around on her heels and that small movement made her worry that perhaps she had already had enough alcohol. It had gone straight to her head as she had hardly eaten a thing all day. She tried to focus on the crowd of dancers, and steadied herself by holding on to the table top. She almost spilt her cup of wine. A few drops found there way onto her skirt. As she wiped them away with her hand she felt glad she was dressed in black; hopefully the stains would not be so obvious.
She looked around the room that was still slightly spinning from the effects of the alcohol. She couldn’t see Jenny anywhere. Then, from the corner of her eye she noticed a face she thought she recognised. She turned around ignoring the dizzy feeling, and saw Jane Forester. Am I actually drunk, already? I must be hallucinating, she thought. Then, she remembered something Tony had said about a girl called Jane being his sister’s friend. She could not help staring at Jane. She felt pleased that at least Jane was not facing in her direction, so she couldn’t see her stare.
Jane was talking to another girl, they seemed to be having fun. Alice decided to drink the rest of her wine, for courage, and then to go and speak to Jane. She wanted to find out more about her; find out if her suspicions were correct. She downed her wine and placed the cup on the table behind her.
Just then, she felt a hand on her arm. It was Jenny. ‘Oh, hi, Jen.’
‘Hi, I was just coming to get you.’ She pointed to somewhere on the other side of the room. ‘I’m over there with Frank and Tony, come and join us.’ She took Alice by the hand.
‘Er... wait, Jen.’ Alice stood still. ‘Do you know many people at this party?’
‘No, not really; they’re mainly Tony’s friends.’ Then, smiling, she said: ‘Oh, I like this song,’ as the intro to a dance track began to play. She shook her hips. ‘Let’s dance, Allie!’
‘Wait. Do you know that girl over there with the red dress?’ She turned around to point at Jane, but she could not see her.
‘Which girl?’ Jenny looked at her blankly when she turned back to face her. ‘Look, are you coming to dance or what?’
Alice looked around frantically, trying to find Jane in the crowd. She began to walk towards the living room door. ‘Where are you going?’ shouted Jenny over the music. She followed Alice, frowning.
When Alice reached the door to the living room she noticed that Jane was standing by the front door. She was taking her jacket from a coat hook. Alice turned around sensing Jenny behind her. ‘Look!’ she said, ‘That girl. Do you know who she is?’
Jenny leaned over her to get a better look. ‘Blimey, Allie, she looks just like you!’ Jenny’s eyes were wide.
That reaction was all Alice needed to spur her on; knowing she wasn’t the only one who thought Jane looked like her. Before she knew it, she was walking towards Jane. She felt sure that the alcohol had something to do with it because she doubted she would have been so confident otherwise. There was something else though; an overwhelming feeling that she couldn’t let Jane get away without making some sort of contact—as if there were an invisible force between them, drawing her towards Jane like a magnet.
Jane glanced at her as she approached, then her eyes widened as if she were surprised.
‘Excuse me,’ said Alice. ‘Are you Jane Forester?’
‘Um... yes.’ Jane was now staring at her. ‘Wh... Who are you?’
Alice only now noticed that Jane had a plaster cast on her right arm, from her elbow to her wrist; then she remembered the plane crash. ‘I’m Alice Turnbull.’ She said, looking back at Jane, whose stare had now turned into a frown.
The short, plump girl who had been talking to Jane, said: ‘Are you two related?’
‘No,’ said Jane to the girl. ‘I’ve never met her before.’ Then, turning to Alice, she frowned again and said: ‘We haven’t met before, have we?’ Confusion was clear in her eyes.
‘No.’ Alice shook her head.
‘You look so alike!’ said the other girl.
‘Like sisters!’ She laughed.
Alice laughed nervously. Jane looked embarrassed. ‘Um... anyway,’ she said. ‘I was just leaving. Can you help me with my jacket?’ she asked her friend.
‘Did you hurt your arm in the plane crash?’ asked Alice.
Jane eyed her suspiciously: ‘How did you know about that?’
‘It was in the papers.’
Jane blushed.
‘Is your dad called Roger?’
‘No.’
‘No?’ Alice’s face dropped. ‘Roger Forester is my dad, I thought...’
‘Thanks, Susie,’ said Jane when her friend finished helping her put on her jacket. ‘Bye... uh, sorry I’ve forgotten your name...’
‘Alice.’
‘Alice,’ she repeated, nodding as she turned to leave.
‘Wait, Jane.’
Jane span around quickly to face her, but appeared irritated.
‘It’s just that... well, we look so alike. My parents divorced when I was a baby. I thought, because your surname is Forester... he might be your dad...’ As she spoke, Alice felt increasing weird, as if she were revealing secrets to a room of strangers for no reason. Jane was looking at her, blankly. She appeared more embarrassed by than interested in what Alice was saying.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ said Jane, finally. ‘My father was never married before, and his name is Ken.’ She walked towards the door and then turned back. ‘You are obviously mistaken. Sorry.’
Alice felt her face flush red. How could I have got it so wrong? She regretted drinking that wine. If she hadn’t, she would never have approached Jane. She was actually glad for the loud music now; at least there were only a couple of people who had heard her speak.
‘Sorry,’ said Alice. But Jane had already walked out of the door.
‘Are you all right, Allie?’
Alice turned around and when she saw Jenny, felt instantly mortified. She hadn’t known that Jenny was standing behind her. ‘You... Did you hear all that?’ she asked, pensively.